Am I crazy?

[ananomalie]

I met my significant other 4 months after his 3 year relationship (2 years engaged) ended. We dated for almost a year and had an amazing time and shared many wonderful adventures together. We both have difficult pasts but we worked through a few rough patches and I had hopes for working on some others like in any relationship.

 

he invited me over on wednesday and mistakenly i thought it had to do with valentines day but he wanted to break up. I had no idea until the words actually came out of his mouth. We had had a talk a month ago and I had asked if he wanted to break up but he had said no. I thought everything had been resolved until he sat me down and said "remember that talk we had a month ago...".

 

He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but he says he didn't take enough time for himself after he broke up with his last girlfriend. He feels like he never had the time to find himself. He's 30, 5 years behind in his career, and is so stressed out all the time about his life. He feels like he can't catch a break and he feels guilty because he can't be there for me.

 

He get so stressed out that sometimes he can't help but think that if he wasn't in a relationship he wouldn't be so weighed down. Logically he knows it's not my fault so he feels guilty. He feels guilty because he feels like he can't invest as much as I invest in our relationship. He feels guilty because he sometimes he resents being in a relationship even though he knows it's not my fault. He feels guilty because he wants to be selfish and just focus on himself.

 

He sobbed and said that even though he'll regret letting me go he'll regret not taking the time now to find and work on himself even more.

 

He wrote me a card full of the memories he'll cherish and the little things about me he'll miss. I haven't read it. how could i read it?

 

So I gave him an alternative.

 

Here are my thoughts on this topic. I can't change his mind and I know he needs to have time to find himself. I cannot deny him that when i needed the same thing after my bad previous relationship. I think as a human being he does need to take time to do that. On the flip side, I love him. I think he's something special and I don't want to lose him.

 

So I gave him an alternative.....

 

We're taking a 6 month break. Not long enough to fix his problems but long enough for him to take inventory and figure himself out. We'll meet august 13 and talk it out but until then absolutely no contact. I'm going to take the time to improve myself and find a job. These are my rules. I don't want to lose him but I can't handle contact and false hope. I'm viewing this as a break up.

 

Even though he said he loves me and that he wants me to keep his things until I see him in August.... Even though he was so eager to accept a break as an alternative and so remorse to lose me.... All I can think about is how relieved he must be that he's no longer in a relationship with me.

 

Am i doing the right thing? or am I crazy?

 

A part of me is scared ****less and telling me to run but another part, a part of my breaking heart is telling me not to give up because he loves you.

[robaday]

Im gonna go againts the grain here (probably!). Dated a girl once for a year, she was head over heels in love with me. Problem is I wasnt 100% over my ex (who id broken up with a year prior to getting with the girl). And it killed me, I couldnt give her what she needed but I also knew she was a great catch and at another time we would have been great together.

 

I broke up with her trying to do the right thing by both of us. I went away to put some things to rest, really worked on myself, found peace in myself. 4 months later we got back together and it was better than ever, I was more commited, and we were really good for another year. We did eventually breakup, but I dont regret it one bit, that year was amazing.

 

Sometimes breaks are actually necessary. I would treat it as a breakup, but know if he does come back then its meant to be. Work on yourself, and wish for the best!

[Mack05]

Yes this is crazy. It won't work for a number of reasons. If you were both to maintain no contact for 6 months (I would be shocked if you did) , the result will very likely leave you devastated. Life is precious and to waste 6 months on a fruitless cause, is criminal IMO.

 

The only way for him (and you) to resolve your issues is not having this 6 month thing hanging over you. He is telling you clearly he wants to move on without you. Listen to what he is telling you. I don't know of ANY couple that worked in a situation similar to yours. Most times NC is broken (probably by him to tell you he doesn't want to meet in 6 months) and this leaves the dumpee in a mess.

 

He is using this 6 month things as a "just in case", while you are using it as a chance for reconciliation. Trust me you need to go and focus SOLELY on yourself. This clinging onto hope will leave you soooo hurt and broken down the line. A lot worse than now, because that 'hope' will be taken from you in the cruelest way. No one believes in 'hope' more than me, but when it's false hope you need to understand the difference.

 

You need to tell him that you have changed your mind and that you agree to the breakup and that you do not want any contact. Then you disappear from his world (even if he contacts you). Please trust me when I say that this is BY FAR the best thing to do. You can then use this time apart to try and resolve the issues that held you back in the this (and previous) relationships.

 

If he wants you back further down the line he will move heaven and earth to get you back, but the reality is if you let him go he won't be back. I personally don't think this a bad thing. Why? Because this will give you a chance in the future to find a guy that will never want to leave you no matter how hard it gets. Leaving go now is short term pain followed by long term happiness. Staying with this plan is living life in Limbo for a few weeks/months followed by long term sadness.

 

So when you look at this logically and not through a broken heart..Yes its crazy...Will you follow my advice? No. Sadly broken hearts it seems need to learn the hard way, cause don't reason with solid logic. The amount of LS posters, that I have seen post saying something like "If only I listened to the advice I got here six months ago".....

Edited February 17, 2013 by Mack05

[beyond]

So, he wanted to split up for good and you changed it into a 6 month break........

 

Oh dear.

 

Mack is spot on with his/her advice, can't really add to it except to say I'm really sorry as I know how painful this all must be.

xx

[ananomalie]

Yes, Mack. Logically, I know it is crazy. But like you said I also possess a broken heart and that broken heart doesn't want to leave when the man it loves says he loves me and he doesn't want to let me go but he can't handle a relationship right now. Especially, when it comes from a man who is very careful with the word love and has been sincere. It's also hard for my heart to accept this when he didn't challenge my suggestion and agreed to it with relief and enthusiasm.

 

But I really do know what you're saying. I've been thinking those same things over and over ever since this has happened. Maybe in 6 months I'll have grown into someone different and we won't be good together anymore. Maybe in 6 months he'll have forgotten me.

 

All I know is at this time, he is sincere in his desire to work on himself and sincere in his efforts to work on himself.

 

I will be taking this 6 months of improve myself for myself and switch careers. And while I will not be committing myself to anyone because I know I will not be ready for a while, I will not be turning down the opportunity to get to know people.

 

I'm not much of a christian and i'm not trying to impose my views on anyone but I went to church this morning and opened myself to god for the first time in 13 years. Not to ask for help or to blame him but just to open myself. This wasn't even my darkest hour. I have felt worse pain before but I just felt like I had to go today.

 

Today is the first Sunday of Lent and the sermon was on temptation. The minister said that the choice of temptation is not always between good and bad but between what is good and what is best. We must choose what to do is best and I made a choice. I understand that it's a painful choice and may result in more pain for me but I have done what I could and I can't do anymore or any less.

[ananomalie]

Sorry! That was not meant to be argumentative. I completely respect your opinion and you are most likely right, in 6 months I'll have my heart broken again.

 

But I don't think 6 months of self exploration and improvement on my part is a waste of time especially since I won't be able to sincerely commit to anyone during that time with or without the break.

[Mack05]

Ananomalie you have every right to be argumentative. Some stranger on a forum doesn't believe you are taking the right action with your life. Argue away. I've been wrong before and I will be wrong again, but sadly (will explain below) I am usually right on these matters.

 

Firstly good for you to going back to church. I think this is a positive step. No matter what your views are on religion, bringing spirituality into your life is always a positive move in my opinion.

 

Let me tell you were I am coming from. I have suffered my fair share of broken hearts over the years. The experiences have made me wiser. I have learnt the rules are rarely different for most people. We may think our relationships are 'different' or 'special' compared to others, but as I said most times the same rules apply for all.

 

In my past two relationships I have learnt one pretty sad lesson. You can't focus too much on the 'words' emotionally unhealthy people say, or the promises that they give you. I was told that I was "the one" amongst many other special things. Now do I think those girls were insincere? Not at all. But when those relationships unravelled, the special words like "I love you" didn't matter. I kept my focus on their words (which severely set me back) and not their actions. Their actions were clear. They both no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me.

 

Emotionally unhealthy people like everyone want to be loved. Like everyone believe they are in love, BUT they have no idea about what the word 'Love' truly entails. They have no idea what making a relationship work truly entails. When the tough times come or they see things that are in anyway complicated, they bolt. They bolt because they can't handle strife within themselves, so how can they handle strife in a relationship? They can't.

 

Sadly these days the word 'Love' gets banded around too easily. Even if your ex says he doesn't say it much, you simply can't trust him. The dumpee focuses on all the nice things that were said like 'Love'. When the dumper turns cruel (because they no longer want the dumpee in their lives) this leaves the dumpee with loads of unanswered questions and total devastation.

 

The negative side to becoming 'wiser' is that I have become more cynical in my attitude to love. It may cost me meeting the right girl in future, as I have no idea how to change this mindset. I would like nothing more then to be proved wrong here by you. That both of you work on yourselves and come back six months later ready to move forward. Sadly that just tends to happen in the movies. In real life there is a HUGE chance he will break NC. Two things will then occur. He will tell you he doesn't want to wait 6 months to talk. He just wants to make a clean break or he will use you as an emotional crutch (you get back together) and break your heart further down the line.

 

If you really love someone and they want a clean break you have to let them go. That's all you should be focusing on. He wants to go. Yes your heart doesn't want to let go, but it is the best thing to do. That is the point you should have gotten from the ministers speech. He only agreed to a six month thing for just in case. When people are working on themselves it can be very lonely, so they go back to their ex for comfort only for the same problems or worse problems to arise in the relationship. The dumper then leaves again, but this time there is no hope and more pain.

 

When the heart hurts sadly you can't separate the forrest from the trees. Your reasoning is not the correct reasoning. It doesn't matter what I or other posters tell you, you will still plough ahead because you truly believe this is the right course of action. I've been there too (ignoring the right advice) and had to learn the hard way. You will too. Of that I am 99% sure. I guess I need a LS member to prove me wrong to make me believe again. Now that would be cool. I hope you are that girl and I wish you well.

Edited February 17, 2013 by Mack05

[ananomalie]

Hi everybody. I have updates and you guys help me think things out.

 

He came back. It took a month and a half but he broke the no contact rule and emailed me. He says it's the biggest mistake he has made in his life and that he's very sorry that it took my absence for him to realize how much I meant to him...

 

Unfortunately, I never make life easy. I'm angry and upset. Maybe I should have been angrier earlier but I was too hurt to notice. Right after he emailed me I read the card he gave me when we broke up and it listed all the things about me that he would miss. I guess in my naivety a part of me had hoped that he had forgotten the good times and that time apart would remind him. The card proved otherwise... He was aware of everything when he tried to break up with me. From the way I crinkle my nose to the trips we took. He had pretty much taken stock of everything and decided I wasn't worth it.

 

He says it's simple. He wants a second chance to prove himself. To prove that he is a different person who is ready for another chance. He says all that as long as I miss him that's all we need for another shot but I don't think it's that simple. I was happy before but I need more now. I miss him but that doesn't mean this is the best idea.

 

It's a scary world. I'm scared and confused. I don't know if I can trust him. I don't know what I'm doing.