Hopeful30 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I broke up with my ex back in July, but I still cry over him sometimes. I haven't dated anyone new or slept with anyone else. In the past, when I did that (had a rebound) then I bounced right back to being myself and never cried over my exes again. This is the first time i'm not rebounding and i'm crying more and more because I feel lonely (i'm really horny too). Don't some of you find it easier to move on when you just have a rebound for a short period of time? I don't mean a full fledged relationship with a rebound, but some casual dating and casual sex. My friends told me to be alone for a while. That THAT is the best way to get over someone. I took their advice and now regret it. Isn't it normal to have or want a rebound? I don't see why it's so bad if it helps you move on and doesn't hurt the other person... Link to post Share on other sites
crashvector Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 At least if u stay alone, you arent using someone else to make yourself feel better. That assinine and immature imo...hurting someone else to assuage your own pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopeful30 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 But i just said "if the other person doesn't get hurt" did you even read my post? Link to post Share on other sites
d0620 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 In these situations, people always get hurt because emotions are bound to happen. I believe that rebounds help you to get past the relationship but it's never good for you because you really didn't feel the loss and its possible that you are taking the baggage and emotional pain to the next relationship or even the next booty call and thats not healthy. Sometimes rebounding make you have feelings for the next person that you really might not have because you are looking for someone to cling to. I think you did the right thing by not rebounding. What have you lost by waiting to date after your emotions are clear and you have reflected on what went wrong in your past relationship? If you want to date now, are you ready? I don't think so if you are still crying over your ex. It's your call at the end of the day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I say DEFINITELY get out there. Date. Hook up if you want. Its been since July. It is time to force yourself to get out some. It may feel strange at 1st but it will probably help you get some distance from the old memories. Time to make some new memories and deal with life without your ex. Cav 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 I get it, "when the other person is not hurting". I tried dating about 60 days after my separation and gave up when I realized that I needed to focus more on myself (healing). It sucks because I am lonely, but I feel that adding someone else at this point in my life will only complicate things. This is despite the fact that my EW seems to be carrying on with her life as it is better than ever. Rebounding only made me feel better for a short time, then reality kept setting in. Glad I didn't get super involved with anyone or physical. Just my thoughts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 So long as you're clear with who you are seeing that your interest is short term and causal, what's the harm? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BarbecueMan666 Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 Hmm, probably different for girls - I'm a 23 year old male and recently went through a breakup. Still going through the motions - breakup was 6 weeks ago, new years day. Immediately after I felt ok - about a week later I heard she was doing totally fine, cut her hair, straight A's at grad school etc etc. I was pretty gutted. Anyhow - I ended up chatting to a girl online, who was very attractive and the interaction was great. - Just knowing that she liked who I was, what I looked like and what I did. - The experience was cool getting to know somebody else, so as a guy I strongly recommend that part of the process. BUT the big but here for me was, I was not ready for physical intimacy what so ever. We met up - she kissed me and I immediately knew this wasn't the same. I stayed with the young lady a few nights and we had sex, it was great and normally I'd have walked away from the situation with a great, memorable story and experience, but instead going through the actions I felt really horrid. A friend then told me after the experience after I was really upset - "You can't replace love with sex BarbecueMan666." Which as soon as he said it, I was just like wow. So, there's no answer as to what you should do. I know now from that mistake If presented with the same situation - I'd take things a lot slower. You learn about yourself during times of Woe more than any other time. But if you're ready to try out things, I think the affection and appreciation that people show towards you is irreplaceable and very valuable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OJ loved Nicole Posted February 16, 2013 Share Posted February 16, 2013 My friends told me to be alone for a while. That THAT is the best way to get over someone. I took their advice and now regret it. Isn't it normal to have or want a rebound? WORST ADVICE EVER GIVEN!! You are human, you have wants and desires, why suppress any of that and live in isolation trying to get over someone who doesn't want to be with you? Also, who says the next guy will be a rebound?? He might be the man of your dreams, but you'll never know by putting your life on hold and passing on opportunities. Relationships fail... you meet a new guy, you don't fall in love, you leave, he gets hurt..... well life hurts, life is unfair (direct him to this forum, we'll help). I'm not saying do it maliciously, but while it last I'm sure he'll love pounding away at you (you'll love it too). Main points: you're single now, you must embrace it from the moment your ex left you. Passing on opportunities/suppressing your desires is a shameful way to live..... essentially wasting your life away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 WORST ADVICE EVER GIVEN!! You are human, you have wants and desires, why suppress any of that and live in isolation trying to get over someone who doesn't want to be with you? Also, who says the next guy will be a rebound?? He might be the man of your dreams, but you'll never know by putting your life on hold and passing on opportunities. Relationships fail... you meet a new guy, you don't fall in love, you leave, he gets hurt..... well life hurts, life is unfair (direct him to this forum, we'll help). I'm not saying do it maliciously, but while it last I'm sure he'll love pounding away at you (you'll love it too). Main points: you're single now, you must embrace it from the moment your ex left you. Passing on opportunities/suppressing your desires is a shameful way to live..... essentially wasting your life away. Ha love the no punches pulled post. Lol I agree. I think some down time is OK but that being said if you don't get out and try eventually, especially after months, you don't even know if your ready or not. Plus the OP's BU was last July. Time to take off the trainings wheel and push thru! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OJ loved Nicole Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Ha love the no punches pulled post. Lol I agree. I think some down time is OK but that being said if you don't get out and try eventually, especially after months, you don't even know if your ready or not. Plus the OP's BU was last July. Time to take off the trainings wheel and push thru! "Some" is a relative word, 3 months for you, 8 months for the OP, 2 weeks(ish) for me. The way I see it, the sooner the better. I have my own GIGS..... -G- Grieve -I- Improve -G- Grab the world by its ears and f*ck it in the face -S- Syndrome 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newsbug Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 My friend told me the best way to get over one guy is to get under another. With that said, just make sure you're not using sex or being with another person as a way of ignoring your feelings. If you don't let the grieving happen, then those feelings will never get a chance to truly go away. Or at least that's what people keep telling me. But I'll probably be going out with guys again fairly soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 To each their own. I know if I woke up under a stranger or someone I didn't really know or want to be with I'd feel like absolute shi* This is exactly why there are so many problems with relationships these days...because everyone is so casual with who they bang. I said it before and I'll say it again, what ever happened to building sexual INTIMACY between two people? Feel bad...bang a stranger Have a bad day...bang your neighbor Go on a date....bang bang bang Get bored w your GF or BF...Bang someone else....Just for the hell of it. And when they break up with you, just go out and bang again and repeat the process above as you sit and wonder why you can't find a meaningful relationship with someone who will hang around longer then a meaningless bang. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
OJ loved Nicole Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 To each their own. I know if I woke up under a stranger or someone I didn't really know or want to be with I'd feel like absolute shi* This is exactly why there are so many problems with relationships these days...because everyone is so casual with who they bang. I said it before and I'll say it again, what ever happened to building sexual INTIMACY between two people? Feel bad...bang a stranger Have a bad day...bang your neighbor Go on a date....bang bang bang Get bored w your GF or BF...Bang someone else....Just for the hell of it. And when they break up with you, just go out and bang again and repeat the process above as you sit and wonder why you can't find a meaningful relationship with someone who will hang around longer then a meaningless bang. Who says it has to be a stranger and she can't get to know them first? Who said she should start banging someone just to bang someone? She stated in her OP "I'm really horny". Is she not allowed to get sexual fulfillment (by stranger or otherwise) if SHE chooses? Some people don't want relationships, they just want to bang. Also, what's wrong with banging people to just bang people? Just because you have a different set of values doesn't make you right and people who like to bang wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 People can do what ever they choose and I wasn't directing my comments to any one poster. Again, PERSONALLY, I think that all of this promiscuity has led to a break down in lasting relationships and fundamental morals. But again, its only my opinion. And again I ask...what happened to physical intimacy? I'm all for a good time but I think all this casual crap is out of hand....Again, only MY opinion. Will you (anyone) be comfortable living with the thoughts and visuals of settling down with a significant other who has banged tons of others...since that is all you (anyone) will get since its no big deal these days? Do you (anyone) feel comfortable swaping body parts, fluids and possible STD's with hordes of other poles, holes and mouths that have been pokin in and out of countless orifices? Sorry to sound so blunt, but really if sex is so casual these days...let's just ax the idea of relationships all together because there is no need except for the mundane things such as kids, companionship, etc. Maybe nobody should expect monogamy. My ex cheated on me...not once several times. Reason? Casual sex. And yes, I was devastated. My friend is being used constantly and allows herself to be. Reason? Casual sex. My best friend's daughter is pregnant, awesome girl. The father cheated on her. Before he cheated her he cheated on his ex wife. Again....why? To have casual sex. I can go on and on with the stories such as these. Not really my idea of a relationship. Lets all become porn stars! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RR1 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 To each their own. I know if I woke up under a stranger or someone I didn't really know or want to be with I'd feel like absolute shi* This is exactly why there are so many problems with relationships these days...because everyone is so casual with who they bang. I said it before and I'll say it again, what ever happened to building sexual INTIMACY between two people? Feel bad...bang a stranger Have a bad day...bang your neighbor Go on a date....bang bang bang Get bored w your GF or BF...Bang someone else....Just for the hell of it. And when they break up with you, just go out and bang again and repeat the process above as you sit and wonder why you can't find a meaningful relationship with someone who will hang around longer then a meaningless bang. I just can't do it, i think casual sex takes away everything that is special about being intimte with someone. It's not just about the sex, personally i would say the sex is onlt about a quarter of what makes intimacy so special. The other 75% comes from the feelings and emotions and bond you have with the other person, i don't see how you get that with casual sex. Each to their own but it would never work for me. I told my last g/f that nobody would ever touch me except for her, i just loved the exclusivity of belonging to one person and just being hers. It wasn't just empty words either, i truly meant it. Unfortunately she decided she didn't really want a r/s with me anymore but that didn't, and couldn't change my feelings overnight. I still can't get my head around the thought of anyone else touching me, how could my words have any meaning if i just hop into bed with the next person that comes along. It would just makes my words meaningless, i said no-one else would ever touch me because i didn't want anyone else to touch me or try and be intimate with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OJ loved Nicole Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 People can do what ever they choose and I wasn't directing my comments to any one poster. Again, PERSONALLY, I think that all of this promiscuity has led to a break down in lasting relationships and fundamental morals. But again, its only my opinion. And again I ask...what happened to physical intimacy? I'm all for a good time but I think all this casual crap is out of hand....Again, only MY opinion. Sorry to sound so blunt, but really if sex is so casual these days...let's just ax the idea of relationships all together because there is no need except for the mundane things such as kids, companionship, etc. Maybe nobody should expect monogamy. My ex cheated on me...not once several times. Reason? Casual sex. And yes, I was devastated. My friend is being used constantly and allows herself to be. Reason? Casual sex. My best friend's daughter is pregnant, awesome girl. The father cheated on her. Before he cheated her he cheated on his ex wife. Again....why? To have casual sex. I can go on and on with the stories such as these. Not really my idea of a relationship. Lets all become porn stars! All the above (what you explained) is not casual sex..... it is cheating. I'm guessing you didn't read the OP? This is not a thread about cheating, it's not even a thread about casual sex. This is a thread to discuss weather to start dating after a breakup, and yes..... dating does include sex sometimes. Will you (anyone) be comfortable living with the thoughts and visuals of settling down with a significant other who has banged tons of others...since that is all you (anyone) will get since its no big deal these days? Do you (anyone) feel comfortable swaping body parts, fluids and possible STD's with hordes of other poles, holes and mouths that have been pokin in and out of countless orifices? Having multiple partners doesn't make you a bad person. I've had "tons of partners", what does that even mean? If I've had 19 I'm ok but when I hit 20 then I'm sub-human in your eyes?!? I'm 100% committed to my GF, I will never cheat on her, I will never gets GIGS (I've been there, done that). I don't have any stds (I've always been safe). I'm I a horrible person because of my sexual past?? No...... So yes, I'd feel comfortable with someone who's had "tons of partners". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Dude...I ain't gonna argue with you. Do what you want. I'm only voicing MY OPINION. But, just an FYI the definition of "casual sex" is sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship. And in so far as my stories...it IS cheating...but its ALSO casual sex because all these cheaters had the "IDEA" that to casually bang others while they are in a relationship is an ok thing to do. Not to mention the other parties who participated knowing that there were significant others involved. If that isn't casual...I don't know what is. Sure dating involves sex. And I've had my share as well..all I'm saying is too many people seem too casual these days. MY OPINION. Shi* before I was with my ex I couldn't even go on a date without every dude trying to get in my pants. That game gets a little old. Many in this thread mentioned going out and getting laid to get over an ex..which is CASUAL, dating or what ever you want to call it....so excuse me for my response. Wonderful you claim to not be cheater, have gigs, etc. That makes you an anomaly, these days...not sub-human. And lastly, most people don't feel comfortable with people who have had tons (whatever that may be to them) of partners. As a matter of fact, if a woman has tons (subjective) of partners she is usually labeled a whor*...and is used for casual. If nobody cared about this info believe me...people would be openly bragging about their number of sexual encounters on dates. Be well! Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I broke up with my ex back in July, but I still cry over him sometimes. I haven't dated anyone new or slept with anyone else. In the past, when I did that (had a rebound) then I bounced right back to being myself and never cried over my exes again. This is the first time i'm not rebounding and i'm crying more and more because I feel lonely (i'm really horny too). Don't some of you find it easier to move on when you just have a rebound for a short period of time? I don't mean a full fledged relationship with a rebound, but some casual dating and casual sex. My friends told me to be alone for a while. That THAT is the best way to get over someone. I took their advice and now regret it. Isn't it normal to have or want a rebound? I don't see why it's so bad if it helps you move on and doesn't hurt the other person... my longest relationship was a rebound relationship, and I had never been single since my teens i have taken several years for myself, i tried in th efirst year to date....big mistake...i wasn t ready, i put a lot of who i am into a relationship and i did need time to heal and reassess what i really wanted .....i was confused and vulnerable....the vulnerability hasnt changed......still that way....i know now its just in me, but i am not putting my heart on the line for just anyone, they have to be pretty special...your friends are right....take some time to know what you need and want in your life...when you meet soemone special follow yoru heart but take your time...casual sex isnt the answer not fro a permanent long lasting relationship.......doesnt heal you....confuse the crap out of you....yes.......best of luck.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OJ loved Nicole Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) But, just an FYI the definition of "casual sex" is sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship. Cheating is having sex with someone else while INSIDE the context of a romantic relationship, hense NOT "casual sex". You don't know how to read and decipher information, there is no argument here because I can't argue with misinformed people. And as I said before.... This is not a thread about cheating, it's not even a thread about casual sex. This is a thread to discuss weather to start dating after a breakup Start a thread about casual sex and cheating, I'll help you stay ON TOPIC there. Edited February 17, 2013 by OJ loved Nicole Link to post Share on other sites
radinna82 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I think as long as you are straightforward about your intentions then a rebound is a good thing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 NO FOOLIN recommended hooking up. I consider his recommendations and posts just as good as Caliguys. So I'm just going with his advise. Seems to help. Maybe it is different for women but for me i like to go out and flirt and maybe hookup etcetera. I'm not going to lead anybody on but I'm also no going to advertise I'm 4.5 month out of a RS unless i need to clarify my situation and discuss what I'm ready for. Sh*t i don't even know what I'm ready for unless i try. Rock on! Cav 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shadow15 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I literally just had sex for the first time in 2 years last night, me and my ex didnt have sex, but at the time had a great emotional connection and that made everything more special. Anywho im over her, its been 5 months since bu, and this chick wanted to hook up. I was feeling awkward at first, but i was physically attracted to her, but besides that nothing else. I personally didnt wanna do it, but i felt as if i deserved it cause its been 2 years, and the chick was practically begging me, and i felt i sorta had a right too. Anyways while sex, i could barley look at the chick in the eyes, i felt disgusted to myself, because i know that aint me. It was meaningless to me, sex or anything sexual just feels right with someone you care for. Luckily me and the chick both stated we aint looking for anything, so im clear cut for that, looks like im just going have to forget this happened. My best advice, dont do anything your not comfortable with and that goes against your values. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coltsfan1 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I'm with shadow, when I was a teenager and in my early twenties I would screw girls. It was just something to do. However now that I am older and know how making love feels I would prefer that. IME when I have a committed relationship and we love each other the sex is 100 times better. Maybe I have been lucky but both my previous EX's have made love with me and have f@cked me as well. To me that's where its better, when you both feel safe, secure, & comfortable then the other things you both may want to do but haven't can be done if you agree to it. I will say this, when my last EX left my self esteem was shattered. I had a few rebounds that were casual, all were clear and in agreement, and it helped to build my self esteem, and pride back. Now that I am me again I choose to forgo casual relations and look for a deeper more permanent relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
marklarsson Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I think yes having a rebound can help you feel better but the issues or feelings from the old relationship are still there that's why it's called a rebound. It's best to fully concentrate and heal. Having said this, Anyone got back with their ex after having a rebound? Link to post Share on other sites
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