Rushing Marriage/Living Together

[YellowButterflies]

I fell in love with someone who is pressuring me way too soon to get married - I am not ready. He wanted to live together shortly after we started dating and I said no way. Six months later he wants to get married - I'm not ready.

 

His last relationship was fast and furious and lasted six months. He met someone, proposed a month later - she immediately moved in then six months later he kicked her out - she kept the ring. He said the relationship was wrong he was just trying to "fill a void"

 

Now he's bought me a ring, wants to get married - I'm saying NO, NO, NO and he's getting really pissed about it. I said we need to wait. We've known each other for years so he thinks there is no need to wait.

 

I think he's selfish and just wants a woman in his house taking care of him and his kid. He's in his upper 40's and I think he's ready to be married and settle down - which is not the problem.

 

The problem is I don't trust him yet (he has drastic mood swings and is rushing all of this way too soon). I'm not worried about him being with other women - he's just rushing everything - I don't feel his love for me is real - how can it be?

 

You don't really know a person until a year or so and I don't trust him enough to marry him and live with him yet. I need to get to know him better. We were doing great until he started pressuring me to commit.

 

I'm not afraid of committment - I just hate being RUSHED!!!!

 

When I tell him I'm not ready to get married yet he then wants me to "set a date" as to when I will be. He says "Can you give me a timeframe as to when you will want to get married and move in?".

 

When I refuse to "set a date" he goes ballistic. We've broken up many times over arguments about this.

 

Why can't he respect the fact I'M JUST NOT READY!!!!!!! He's driving me friggin nuts over this and killing our relationship.

 

He's a fun guy and I could truly love him but his track record concerns me. For someone to move this quickly into what he thinks is love and wanting to live together and get married - and especially after his previous relationship ended in disaster when he rushed it - I don't understand why he's so anxious to dive in to something so quickly.

 

Can anyone explain this to me? I don't have anything against getting married and settling down but I can't breath being forced to rush into all of this - we were dating and have a blast but this is ruining how I feel towards him. I just want to enjoy dating and let love happen naturally.

 

I really question whether he cares about me or if he's just looking for a wife.

 

Any thoughts? Men please respond and give me some insight. Isn't it usually more the women who pressure for a committment?

 

I've already been married twice. I was widowed the first time and the second man I married four months after I met him. We divorced two years later for exactly the reasons I'm stating above - we rushed it!

 

I refuse to rush into anything again - I was younger and learned my lesson that lust is not true love.

[moimeme]

This is a red flag. The ones who try to get you hooked rapidly want to have you stuck before you figure out what about them is not that great. Does he exhibit this behaviour other ways, for instance does he buy impulsively? Is he any good at anticipation or must he always get what he wants when he wants it?

 

He could have impulse control issues or issues of being controlling. That he gets angry when he can't get his own way is really not good, and if it happens in other situations, too, I'd rethink marrying him at all.

[Thinkalot]

Listen to your gut instincts. Take your time, Maybe as a compromise you could agree to revisit the subject in another 6-12 months or something and see how you BOTH feel then.

 

Otherwise, it does seem to signal some warning signs. The love might be true and real....but as you say, time will tell.

[lovesongssuck]

well, I don't have nearly the relationship experience that you do, but I would wager to say that getting married seems to be a way for him to secure some sense of safety. Perhaps he feels like things can too easily fall apart, and the only way for him to feel safe (and therefore loved) is to make a big commitment. I think it's pretty clear that this behavioral pattern is working the same way for him in your relationship as it was for his previous marriage. It doesn't sound healthy. If he can't understand and respect your desire to wait until your ready, then he doesn't really respect you.

[Debster]

I think deep down, you already know what you have to do.

It's not going to be easy, but it seems like it is the best decision for you.

[YellowButterflies]

Thanks everyone for your replies - they are truly appreciated and Moimeme - you opened my eyes because he does tend to "buy impulsively" and is impatient about everything.

 

I've decided to end the relationship altogether because it's just not what I want and if I continue in it he will smother me to death. I'd like more of a casual relationship with someone - not something so intense and suffocating. And I especially don't want marriage.

 

Thanks for listening - this is a great forum to ask for advice - all of you seem very sincere.

 

It's nice to be able to seek anonymous advice when you don't want to turn to friends or family. Thanks everyone!

[moimeme]

because he does tend to "buy impulsively" and is impatient about everything.

 

Then you've dodged a bullet. This is a wretched way to live. Trust me, I tried it for a couple of years. I definitely think you've made the right decision. Good luck in your future!