He admitted fear of commitment, professed his undying love, and then left???

[broken1015]

I have no idea where to start. I feel like mywhole world just unraveled. I've been in a relationship with a man for sevenyears, we've had our ups and downs, even a few breakups for never more than twodays. We've just always been drawn together. He has Admitted a fear ofcommitment. So I was very well aware of this in the beginning. In spite ofthis, he has always been very loving, giving, and thoughtful towards me. Ibegan noticing a change when we agreed that we wanted to move in together. Hewould back away, stating that he didn't know if he loved me, I cried, and a fewdays later, he wanted to "stop this and get back together", becausehe decided that he must love me if he missed me that much. He even said that hefelt sick without me. Then, it started happening more often. And each time, hethrew out more insults. I was dumbfounded. How could a man who loved me, dothis? He blamed me for everything.... Our fights (NEVER bad ones, but in hishead, they were HUGE!), he felt trapped, he didn't know if he loved me (again)because I "forced" him into our relationship.... At one point, there wasan issue on his part with pornography, which I was very understanding about andI even helped him get through that. He admitted that wasn't what he wanted tobe... So, once again, I was there. However, during his NEXT freak out, he toldme that was my fault too. Thennnnn, it was my kids. My daughter is grown, buthe had himself convinced that my son would resent him. You'd have to know myson to understand, but he is the most easy going kid on earth.... He wouldnever resent him, the thought of that is ridiculous. After that, he decidedthat he hated the town I lived in, he's only 20 minutes from me! He said thathe felt like I was forcing him to move here. Granted, I don't want to uproot myson, who's been in the schools and sports here, his whole life. But the subjectwas not closed to discussion. I told him that I never wanted him to feel likehe didn't have a say in our lives.... After that, he decided that he didn'twant to leave his house and garage...(it's a rental home!!!!!) By now, I'mwondering if he'd do ANYTHING to contribute to our relationship! Another changeup.... Everything was wonderful for the past six months. Beyond wonderful. Hetold me that he was ready to move forward with me, that I was his best friendand that he was grateful that I never gave up. He told me how much he loved meand how I'd changed his life for the better. He even added me as a beneficiaryto his life insurance. He said that if anything ever happened, he wanted tomake sure that my son and I were taken care of. Christmas was almost magical. Iwas most impressed by the card he bought for me. He told me that he got chokedup in the store when he read it... Said that he knows he's not great withwords, but if he was, it would be exactly what he would say. He signed it"you are my baby and I'll love you forever". I told him how much thatmeant to me and cried more happy tears than I ever have. And then the bottomjust dropped out. He said more hurtful things to me, three weeks after he'dprofessed his undying love for me than I've ever heard. He told me that hewasn't in love anymore, that he stayed with me out of pity, because he didn'tlike to see me upset. That he didn't want to give up his life and that he ispositive that he would be unhappy with me. He told me that he wanted a changein his life, that he wanted to move forward, just not with me. He hoped thatsomeday we could be "friends" again, because he knows that ifanything ever happened, I'd be the first person he turned to. After that, hetold me how much he respected me and then, in the very next breath, to get overhim and to make this the last time I called him. My mind is reeling, I barelyeven know my own name at this point. I feel like the past seven years wasnothing but a lie. Yet, at the end of the day, I'm still in love and I miss himterribly. HELP!!

[destroyed4sho]

Wow, I am not sure.what is going on in his head but from what you wrote, he seems to have some severe commitment problems. He may need couseling about those fears he has. Therapy for.committment issues does wonders for the conquering that fear but that is seperate from the way he feela about you.

 

It seems that he vacillates a lot from loving you so much to not loving you. Is he bipolar?

 

NC him and move on.

[meeji]

Try reading this book

 

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships | Thriftbooks Used Books

 

I think you will have a much better understanding of his feelings.

 

A lot of people on this forum have had similar issues with this, including myself.

 

This book is a great read. I keep my copy in my purse and a highlighter so I can remind myself of whats really going on when I start feeling like crap about my failed relationship.

[broken1015]

Wow, I am not sure.what is going on in his head but from what you wrote, he seems to have some severe commitment problems. He may need couseling about those fears he has. Therapy for.committment issues does wonders for the conquering that fear but that is seperate from the way he feela about you.

 

It seems that he vacillates a lot from loving you so much to not loving you. Is he bipolar?

 

NC him and move on.

 

Well, I can honestly say, that his head is a train wreck.... And yes, he does have some pretty severe commitment issues. With good reason in my opinion.... His best friend died years ago in an accident and at the funeral found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him with his now deceased best friend.... A few years later, his father committed suicide, and a few years after that, his sister committed suicide. I'd say he has reason, but he isn't the type of person to reach out for help. He does not like confronting extremely difficult issues that cause him pain, so he internalizes it.

Oddly enough, I am the one with bipolar disorder. It's been under control for years, and for me, facing it head on and becoming an advocate for others with the disorder, is how I deal with it. This is one major difference between he and I... I deal, he hides.

BUT, when he DOES have an issue that's beyond him to understand, he comes straight to me. I'm very self aware, and for as long as I can remember, can't move past anything unless I understand the psychology behind it.

I do understand, unfortunately, the psychological reasons behind his actions, but I DO have emotions, and I'm truly hurt. He and I are, well.... WERE best friends. We talked four times a day, for seven years...... Unless of course we were together. His parents, friends and co workers all know and love me.... In fact, it's very difficult right now because everyone is upset about his actions, and because he closes himself off, they all come to me. I spent an hour on the phone with his mom listening to her cry.... Then there's MY mom, I won't even get into that one!

In any case, I don't think he'll seek help. He isn't good at asking for help from anyone but me.

I just hate the empty feeling that I wake up to every day. No matter how much I understand the how's and whys of the situation, I struggle to remember that I was worth something to him. Not that it matters now, and I know it's not where my focus should be, but I haven't felt this alone for so long. It hurts just to get through a day, and at the end of it, I'm exhausted. I've spoken to him once, out of necessity, in two weeks.... At this point, I'm not sure what I'd say to him if he DID call. I feel lonely, but safer, if I DON'T talk to him. He could put me in a horrible place if I took the chance of letting him say one more hurtful thing to me. I don't understand how so much time, such an amazing friendship, so much laughter and love can disappear over night. I hate feeling like this!!!!!!

In any case, like I said, I spoke to him five days ago, but have had NC since then. I'm functioning, kind of in a cloud, pretty tired, but functioning. I just want to wake up happy, like I used to, and I just wish I didn't have so much love for him.

[broken1015]

Try reading this book

 

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships | Thriftbooks Used Books

 

I think you will have a much better understanding of his feelings.

 

A lot of people on this forum have had similar issues with this, including myself.

 

This book is a great read. I keep my copy in my purse and a highlighter so I can remind myself of whats really going on when I start feeling like crap about my failed relationship.

 

Thank you so much! But yes, I read that book right away!!!! It did make me understand, and it helped.... I was grateful beyond belief because that book exists.

HOWEVER, I still, in the back of my head, am waiting for him to call, for him to apologize, for him to make it all okay again.

Unrealistic? Absolutely!

I'd just like to get past those underlying feelings.... That book isn't a "hang on and have hope" piece of fluff.... Which is good. I guess I don't need fluff..... But how do you stop wanting it????

I'm just like you by the way.... That book is on my iPad, with me, wherever I am, ALL the time.

I'm trying, I just want to make the "sad" go away.

[meeji]

Thank you so much! But yes, I read that book right away!!!! It did make me understand, and it helped.... I was grateful beyond belief because that book exists.

HOWEVER, I still, in the back of my head, am waiting for him to call, for him to apologize, for him to make it all okay again.

Unrealistic? Absolutely!

I'd just like to get past those underlying feelings.... That book isn't a "hang on and have hope" piece of fluff.... Which is good. I guess I don't need fluff..... But how do you stop wanting it????

I'm just like you by the way.... That book is on my iPad, with me, wherever I am, ALL the time.

I'm trying, I just want to make the "sad" go away.

 

 

I kinda still have some hope that he will get his **** together and come back to me but I am working on getting rid of that. Just give it time. Eventuatlly, you will take your rose colored glasses off or you will just become numb to those feelings.