Break up, and staying best friends after it?

[Qwerty996]

Hey there guys,

I have read quite a few threads on here, but I thought I'd make my own to see what you think.

 

About a month and half ago my ex of 9 months broke up with me. I'm a 21yo student, she's a 19yo student in the same uni.

The relationship was great, we'd spend a good amount of time together, not too much, not too little. The sex was great aswell, she had a higher sex drive. However that's where the things started to go wrong.

 

As I didn't do much sleeping around in my first 2 years of uni, my casanova/sleeping around phase kicked in right in the middle of our relationship. I really wanted to have one night stands, hence when I had sex with my ex it would not be as much of a thrill anymore, which she started to notice as I wasn't enthusiastic about it anymore.

 

Other than that, we were a great couple, we would hang out and do cute things together, but in the end my sleeping around instinct overpowered my senses and I didn't show as much passion towards her as I did before.

 

So after going on a break, she broke up with me. She was very sad about it, crying, telling me how much of a great person I am and how much I meant to her, she wants to remain as best friends etc.

 

To which I thought, you know what, that is probably the best solution for both of us.

However, bring the time 2 weeks forward and now I'm the one who's crying like a baby because I miss her like hell. I mean, we still talk a lot, and see each other from time to time. But I can't help to want her back in my life as a girlfriend. I told her that straight, hoping she might take me back. She on the other hand has said it bluntly, "I need time to move on, and your texts are not helping. I don't want to hurt you, but you have to accept that the decision I made, I will stick by it."

 

I would stay normal for 2 weeks but as soon as I have a bad day or see her in a nightclub, assuming she's going to get with someone, which just ruins my night, and it starts again.

 

I don't know what to do, I mean I still love her, and she clearly loves me as a best friend, however I don't think I'm taking it well.

We soend some time together occasionally, and she has honestly said that she is not looking for a rebound or any other guy, but she does also admit that one day she will get with people.

Hypocrytically enough, I have been sleeping around with people after breaking up with her but still want her comfort.

 

Sorry for such a long text, hope it made sense.

[CC12]

She on the other hand has said it bluntly, "I need time to move on, and your texts are not helping. I don't want to hurt you, but you have to accept that the decision I made, I will stick by it."

 

Read between the lines. She basically said, "Please stop contacting me. I'm trying to move on." Try to respect that.

 

I would stay normal for 2 weeks but as soon as I have a bad day or see her in a nightclub, assuming she's going to get with someone, which just ruins my night, and it starts again.

Hypocrytically enough, I have been sleeping around with people after breaking up with her but still want her comfort.

Leave her alone. You can't be friends with her. Just break it off.

[Qwerty996]

My bad for not being clear enough in my first post, but she's the one who wants to be friends with me. Not the other way round.

 

 

Read between the lines. She basically said, "Please stop contacting me. I'm trying to move on." Try to respect that.

 

Leave her alone. You can't be friends with her. Just break it off.

[CC12]

My bad for not being clear enough in my first post, but she's the one who wants to be friends with me. Not the other way round.

 

Thank you for clarifying. I don't think it changes my advice that much, though. I still think you can't be friends with her.

 

I would stay normal for 2 weeks but as soon as I have a bad day or see her in a nightclub, assuming she's going to get with someone, which just ruins my night, and it starts again.

 

What does that mean?

[Qwerty996]

I start sending her texts in which I'm being emotional.

What does that mean?

 

 

She broke up with me on good terms, and stated that she wanted to find herself. So, no contact for me was an option which I was considering. But she wants to be friends with me as she doesn't want to lose me.

 

 

I don't want to be the bad guy who's going to end all sort of the contact, but at the same time I'm the only one who wants to have that relationship back...

[CC12]

I start sending her texts in which I'm being emotional.

 

If you're going to be just friends with her, you can't do stuff like this. Friends don't behave that way.

 

I don't want to be the bad guy who's going to end all sort of the contact, but at the same time I'm the only one who wants to have that relationship back...

 

Yeah, it seems that you are the only one who wants that kind of relationship. So it would be more than okay for you to be the "bad guy" and say, "Look, I can't be just friends. Let's not talk for a while, maybe forever." That's not being the bad guy. That's doing the best thing for both of you and keeping yourself emotionally healthy.

 

Just curious. Did you ever cheat on her, or did you just have urges to?

[Qwerty996]

Yes, I guess you are right. It's just hard to accept it, even though I was the one to instigate the whole break up with my urges.

 

 

It was just urges. But they were having a big impact on my behaviour.

 

 

If you're going to be just friends with her, you can't do stuff like this. Friends don't behave that way.

 

 

 

Yeah, it seems that you are the only one who wants that kind of relationship. So it would be more than okay for you to be the "bad guy" and say, "Look, I can't be just friends. Let's not talk for a while, maybe forever." That's not being the bad guy. That's doing the best thing for both of you and keeping yourself emotionally healthy.

 

Just curious. Did you ever cheat on her, or did you just have urges to?

[CC12]

It's just hard to accept it

 

I know. I'm sorry.

 

 

It was just urges.

 

That's good. At least you didn't act on them. Now you won't have to have the guilt of cheating on your shoulders. But it seems like you still have those urges to sleep with a bunch of people, so maybe a traditional relationship isn't right for you right now.

 

Anyway, good luck.

[candie13]

you're transitioning, it is tough to be single, even if you want it, after you've had a nice relationship. It's tough to be alone, after you've had intimacy, I know. You may also miss the emotional closeness when having sex. Or maybe it's just what you've said before "you miss her comfort". A relationship isn't a turn off/ turn off button, you aren't out of it, only because you've decided to. It takes time to die off, and even if it is the right thing to do, it will hurt both parties involved, for a while.

 

Can't have your cake and eat it too. Accept that your relationship is behind you and move on. Don't think about her, she is out, focus on your future, on meeting new people. You have an itch and you have to scratch it. Acknowledge this, and be fair to yourself and to her, as well. I think you should stop all contact, despite whatever she may have said before. Just move on .

[Qwerty996]

It makes perfect sense, but you know how it is when you're in love, heart always manipulates your thoughts.

I will however follow up on your advice.

 

 

Thanks for taking your time to write this.

 

 

you're transitioning, it is tough to be single, even if you want it, after you've had a nice relationship. It's tough to be alone, after you've had intimacy, I know. You may also miss the emotional closeness when having sex. Or maybe it's just what you've said before "you miss her comfort". A relationship isn't a turn off/ turn off button, you aren't out of it, only because you've decided to. It takes time to die off, and even if it is the right thing to do, it will hurt both parties involved, for a while.

 

Can't have your cake and eat it too. Accept that your relationship is behind you and move on. Don't think about her, she is out, focus on your future, on meeting new people. You have an itch and you have to scratch it. Acknowledge this, and be fair to yourself and to her, as well. I think you should stop all contact, despite whatever she may have said before. Just move on .

[Droplet]

she wants to remain as best friends etc.

 

To which I thought, you know what, that is probably the best solution for both of us.

 

Accepting to be friends is actually "settling for friendship".

 

You know this, and she knows this.

 

It's weak and a decision inspired by your fear of loss. She knows it and that's also the reason why she asked you to remain friends in the first place : she doesn't want to lose you, or, at least, not until she has moved on.

 

She wants you to go along with her plan so she can contact you whenever she feels alone so she doesn't have to face the consequences of her decision to break up with you.

 

You should never accept a demotion when you actually want a promotion. It's weak and as you probably know, women are repelled by weak men.

 

Besides, don't let her fool you : guess what will happen to your wonderful one-sided friendship when she meets someone new ? How likely is it for this new guy to be pleased by the fact that you two are still in contact ? Will your ex even want to put at risk her new relationship for your sake ?

 

You need to be very strong and tell her that you made mistakes but you want the relationship to work, that you still like her ( don't say love... ) but if she is not interested then so be it, to give you a call if she changes her mind, but otherwise you are moving on. Then you dont' contact her. You move on with your life.

 

She will respect you for growing some balls and I can assure you that she will at least doubt her decision. Maybe she will not act upon it, maybe she will, it depends on how much she still likes and respects you and on how strong she is in general but believe me : if you settle for friendship, there is no chance at all that you are getting in her pants again.

[Qwerty996]

Strong words, but its exactly the sort of 'slap' in the face I need right now tbh.

 

 

Her decision to stay friends is definitely because of fear of loss. I'm certain she's not the type to find a guy any time soon, as she is a very emotional person, and it will take her quite a bit of time to get over me.

 

 

I can definitely see the cons of staying in the post break up friendship, but just out of curiousity, are there any pros to it at all?

 

 

 

 

Accepting to be friends is actually "settling for friendship".

 

You know this, and she knows this.

 

It's weak and a decision inspired by your fear of loss. She knows it and that's also the reason why she asked you to remain friends in the first place : she doesn't want to lose you, or, at least, not until she has moved on.

 

She wants you to go along with her plan so she can contact you whenever she feels alone so she doesn't have to face the consequences of her decision to break up with you.

 

You should never accept a demotion when you actually want a promotion. It's weak and as you probably know, women are repelled by weak men.

 

Besides, don't let her fool you : guess what will happen to your wonderful one-sided friendship when she meets someone new ? How likely is it for this new guy to be pleased by the fact that you two are still in contact ? Will your ex even want to put at risk her new relationship for your sake ?

 

You need to be very strong and tell her that you made mistakes but you want the relationship to work, that you still like her ( don't say love... ) but if she is not interested then so be it, to give you a call if she changes her mind, but otherwise you are moving on. Then you dont' contact her. You move on with your life.

 

She will respect you for growing some balls and I can assure you that she will at least doubt her decision. Maybe she will not act upon it, maybe she will, it depends on how much she still likes and respects you and on how strong she is in general but believe me : if you settle for friendship, there is no chance at all that you are getting in her pants again.

[candie13]

my first LTR was when I was 19 and it lasted for 3 years. We were very close and I think he was my best friend and I was def his best friend. I was studying abroad and finally took the courage to break up with him. But he still was important to me, still was the most important man in my life, I used to share everything with him an vice versa.

 

Of course I wanted to keep him in my life, he was and is an amazing man. No manipulation from my part, no "wanting him there until I get better", as a safety net. No contact was the best thing he could have done to move on.

 

Dear OP, you are NOT inlove. If you were inlove, you wouldn't have let her go to begin with. You'd be at her door, you'd be finding ways to get her back, you wouldn't be thinking about her and other men without vomiting.

 

I am sure you may think you are inlove... there is an ocean of feelings out there that you are not even aware of. Let go of this one and get ready for what's ahead. It's quite a ride !