I hate being an emotion-over-logic type.

[TragicAlliance]

I'm one of those who listens to her heart first, head second. The classic emotional type who does what her feelings say before she listens to her brain. And look where it's gotten me.

 

As much as I don't want to be depressed, I am. At the surface, I am shredded and hurt. Below the surface, down deep where my common sense and logic lie, I'm livid and want the insanity to stop. Because that's what my relationship has been for the majority of its near 5 years - insanity.

 

He wants me to temporarily move to be with him. Yet he has sat on his hands and not helped me with a single aspect of it... except to daily remind me "I wish you were here" and "It'll all be better when you're here." This week's excuse was that he was ill. But not so ill that he couldn't skip his routine weekend away kayaking. Told me before he left "I'll try to talk to you if I have signal where I'm at... I want you to do [insert a list of several tasks related to me moving over there, plus proofreading/writing a letter for one of his jobs] for me while I'm gone, okay?"

 

I said "no." And he didn't like it. But he didn't snark off or anything, he simply left. Sent me a few messages late Saturday asking if I'd done anything and how I was feeling. So I told him the truth - no, I had done nothing... and I was angry, annoyed, and very stressed out and needed to talk to him about things. Guess his signal dropped out - he responded an hour or so later saying such. Then vanished again. But the signal returned enough for him to post on Facebook the next day all about the great night he'd had.

 

This morning I unloaded. Informed him that he had become careless with my feelings, had shown no respect for my feelings or requests of him, and that because of this, I had nothing more to say to him. So what did he do? He replied, "You know I care about you." So apparently I know this? I told him that I didn't know it, I couldn't believe it, and that he needed to fix it.

 

"It'll all be better when we're together." His normal response. I told him he needed to fix it now or let me go and leave me alone. I got back, "I can't fix it right now. I have to drive home. But I'll message you when I get home. Should be three or four hours."

 

That was at 11:45 this morning. It's now 10:00 PM and guess what never happened.

 

And here's what I expect - I won't message him in the morning, and he'll blow up my phone with "Where are you?" and "Why haven't you messaged me yet?" texts. Because I guess I'm supposed to jump whenever he snaps his fingers.

 

I am so sick and tired of it. I really am! Yet I am one of those damn emotional responders so my heart wants to say "Nooo, you can make this work!" while my brain screams, "You idiot! RUN! Run away FAST! This is WRONG on SO many levels!"

 

Can someone PLEASE tell me how to stop thinking with my heart before I let this joke of a relationship cause me to do something stupider than staying in it? I would love for nothing more than this to work out and be all "happily ever after" and whatever... but logically I can see that it will probably never be what I wanted it to be. I'm at the end of my sanity. I don't know what to do.