3 year relationship, taking a break

[zah]

Hi everybody. First post! I've decided to give anonymous therapy a shot I'm sure someone out there can empathize.

 

So here it goes. Sorry if its too long.

 

My gf and I started dating in college a little less than 3 years ago. We're both 23 years old. She graduated a year before me, and so we did the long distance thing while I finished up my last year (and studied abroad (faithfully)). She got a job straight out of college in a suburb area (boring as hell, and isolated). When i graduated I moved in with her and found a job in the area (in her father's profession), because I wanted to strengthen our relationship while we started our professional careers... Turns out that didn't work too well!

 

I hated the area, had no friends, was isolated from my family and friends back home, and worked at a real creepy company where it was impossible to network with anyone my age. I got depressed, and inevitably took it out on my gf. It got to the point where we were both miserable. We always knew we wanted to have our own lives, our own space and hobbies, like back in college (together but not co-dependent). We were happy then.

 

Eventually she confronted me and said, "get your own place or get out" in so many words, "we need more space". I didn't take it too well. After all, I had made so much effort to be with her and make her happy. Regardless, I moved back to my hometown, where life is even more mundane. We had decided to "take a break", and see what happened. We said it was OK to go out and meet people and be young, but if we wanted to start seeing someone else, we would break up for real. She, however, is the only one who has the opportunity to go out, as I'm stuck in this little hick town applying for new jobs (yes i quit that other job), and going to therapy sessions to try to rationalize everything.

 

About 2 and a half months have gone by at this point. I initiated contact (texting and calling her) over the break far more than she has with me... I also made 2 sporadic trips to go visit her (3 hours away). Writing this now makes me realize how desperate I must've seemed! Also, I got her an Xmas gift (maybe inappropriate on break), but she did not get one for me.

 

So by this point, I've clearly realized that she's just not that into me anymore. It seems like great sex is the only thing holding us together! So i asked her for a naughty photo, which to me is a demonstration of interest, but she said, "no you have enough photos of me," and "i don't feel right sending photos while we're on break" (regardless of the fact that we had sex a few weeks ago). So I can tell something is up; no photos, less conversation, less interest. I figured maybe she's seeing someone else? Maybe she's meeting new people (which is OK on a break??). But she wasn't telling me anything, so I did the unspeakable... I snooped around her email (knew the password), and found an email (from her sister) of a picture of her, somewhat drunk, at a bar, wrapped in the arms of some stud. So basically, she went out with her sister, danced with this guy who bought her drinks, and then had her sister send her a photo of the two of them. Kinda makes me sick. I wonder, why would she want the photo if he doesn't mean anything to her?

 

I bit the bullet and confronted her. She said he's just a guy she met at the bar. Supposedly, she didn't give him her number, and they didn't make out. IDK if i can believe her... I mean, why would she want to keep the photo? She said she wanted it cuz she looked good, but then admitted she found him attractive and wanted to send the photo to a friend (what???), but then got defensive, saying "i thought you didn't want to know, you said it's not your business." She was obviously upset that I snooped her email, but I think she understands why I did it (not to play gotcha-games, but because I was suspicious because she stopped communicating with me).

 

We talked later that night and she cried. I told her that the point of a break isn't to be single for a little bit and have your fun--I'm not some safety net; if you want to do that, don't string me along. She said that she had taken me for granted. I realize that I've poured my heart into her even while we were on break, and didn't really give her time to miss me, to appreciate me... (They only want you when you don't want them! Stupid logic, but I ignored it...) So I ended it by saying, "you're not gonna hear much from me for a while." I'm trying to give her a taste of her own medicine, and not care for a bit. It's so hard... but it must be done, right? I didn't do "taking a break" right the first time, so I've got to now.

 

The next day she texted me, saying she was sad that my status on facebook was 'single,' and couldn't i just set it blank? I set it to single because she was acting like she was single. I feel violated, like she broke the rules of taking a break (did she?), or maybe broke the rules of not finding me attractive anymore . I set it to blank, but haven't responded to her text.

 

Incidentally, I may have just gotten a great job with a great company in NYC, which is 2 hours closer to where she lives. Our plan was to get back together when I landed a job in NYC. I wish we could get back together... I just don't see how it could happen. I'm heartbroken that she's having fun with other men. Maybe it's me being jealous/paranoid, but the feeling of seeing her with another man in that photo... Does she love me anymore? We're both young, I know... But we had a beautiful connection. I just wish it could be like it used to be.

 

If you've read this far, thank you very much for taking the time to hear my story.

[zah]

If anyone has any opinions or similar experiences, I'd be glad to hear them.

 

Yes, I know I was a total a**hole for snooping... It's inexcusable. But if the ends justify the means, then what I found proves my feelings to be justified, no? All is fair in love and war, no? I feel bad for having done that, but at the same time, it only proved me to be right in the end.

Edited January 25, 2013 by zah