Anyone one from the 'Darkside'?

[trevjim]

Ok so reading the posts on here, its easy to get an idea of how being dumped, left for someone else, hurt etc feels.

 

Is their anyone her who has been on the otherside of this?

 

Has anyone left someone for someone else?

 

Dumped someone and ignored them?

 

Things like that, how did it make you feel, what where your views on your ex? why did you get with your new girl/guy so soon? etc

[KatZee]

Yes. I left the guy I was dating for my most recent ex.

 

The guy I had been with was really needy. Clingy, insecure. He was constantly all over me, I never had room to breathe. He acted like the girl of the relationship. Crying, asking me about my feelings, asking if I loved him, was attracted to him, which I guess he does have the right to know as he was dating me, but at the time it came off super suppressive and I was exhausted with it all.

 

I had wanted out with him for a while and I often thought of leaving, but he really never did anything to warrant being dumped, so I felt guilty. I wasn't feeling the love that someone should feel for a partner, I was never in love with him, but I thought if I stuck it out, continued being with him that it would grow into something.

 

It never did. Lesson learned. If you don't feel that connection from the beginning, you most likely never will.

 

But at that point we'd been together two years I'd say. He still never did anything to warrant being dumped, so my guilt held me back again. We were living together and the lease was finally up on the apartment and I moved back home with my parents, very much relieved to have my space back. My plan was to basically ask for a break and ease right into the breakup. Yeah, the cowards way out.

 

As I was coming up with the game plan as to what I should do, I met a guy on the train I took to work every morning. He was charming, and good looking, and took initiative to get to know me and I fell for him very fast. We were friends for about three months, and I never cheated physically, but while I was with my boyfriend, all I thought about was this new guy.

 

I knew I had to leave at that point, and I broke up with my boyfriend. Not long after that, me and the new guy were dating. I did feel guilty for how much pain he was going through, but at the same time I had been so unhappy with him. I was having anxiety attacks, grinding my teeth in my sleep... I just needed out, and when I found that way out, I ran with it.

 

I cut my ex off because he would text, call, email, and message me non-stop. He was on that roller coaster of emotion, one day he was crying and begging me to try again, the next day he hated me.

 

I never regretted leaving him at all. I should have left him much sooner. It was only fair to let him go so he could find someone that actually loved him and desired him in that way. Despite how much he loved me, I was never the right girl for him.

 

At the end of the day, I felt bad for how hurt he was, but that's about it. I never went back to him, or really tried to maintain a friendship or gave him breadcrumbs. I got with the new guy so soon because I had been emotionally checked out of the relationship I was in for MONTHS. As in like 6-8 months or longer. I felt no attraction for him, I wasn't in love with him, he was a brother to me, nothing more. So I had gotten over the relationship before I was even out of it.

Edited January 25, 2013 by KatZee

[arrowfoot]

Yes. I left the guy I was dating for my most recent ex.

 

The guy I had been with was really needy. Clingy, insecure. He was constantly all over me, I never had room to breathe. He acted like the girl of the relationship. Crying, asking me about my feelings, asking if I loved him, was attracted to him, which I guess he does have the right to know as he was dating me, but at the time it came off super suppressive and I was exhausted with it all.

 

I had wanted out with him for a while and I often thought of leaving, but he really never did anything to warrant being dumped, so I felt guilty. I wasn't feeling the love that someone should feel for a partner, I was never in love with him, but I thought if I stuck it out, continued being with him that it would grow into something.

 

It never did. Lesson learned. If you don't feel that connection from the beginning, you most likely never will.

 

But at that point we'd been together two years I'd say. He still never did anything to warrant being dumped, so my guilt held me back again. We were living together and the lease was finally up on the apartment and I moved back home with my parents, very much relieved to have my space back. My plan was to basically ask for a break and ease right into the breakup. Yeah, the cowards way out.

 

As I was coming up with the game plan as to what I should do, I met a guy on the train I took to work every morning. He was charming, and good looking, and took initiative to get to know me and I fell for him very fast. We were friends for about three months, and I never cheated physically, but while I was with my boyfriend, all I thought about was this new guy.

 

I knew I had to leave at that point, and I broke up with my boyfriend. Not long after that, me and the new guy were dating. I did feel guilty for how much pain he was going through, but at the same time I had been so unhappy with him. I was having anxiety attacks, grinding my teeth in my sleep... I just needed out, and when I found that way out, I ran with it.

 

I cut my ex off because he would text, call, email, and message me non-stop. He was on that roller coaster of emotion, one day he was crying and begging me to try again, the next day he hated me.

 

I never regretted leaving him at all. I should have left him much sooner. It was only fair to let him go so he could find someone that actually loved him and desired him in that way. Despite how much he loved me, I was never the right girl for him.

 

At the end of the day, I felt bad for how hurt he was, but that's about it. I never went back to him, or really tried to maintain a friendship or gave him breadcrumbs. I got with the new guy so soon because I had been emotionally checked out of the relationship I was in for MONTHS. As in like 6-8 months or longer. I felt no attraction for him, I wasn't in love with him, he was a brother to me, nothing more. So I had gotten over the relationship before I was even out of it.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, you said you were with him for two YEARS? Moved in with him, even signed a lease?

 

But you never were in love with him and were intensly unhappy. Two years and this man clearly was deeply invested yet you strung him along. Just to ignore him when you suddenly broke up with him?

 

And you claim he was the needy one...

 

I hope this recent break up taught you not to play with another's emotions so flippantly. I get you said it was cowardly but, geez.

 

(I'm a girl, in your ex-ex's place and it is hell so please be more sensitive to other people's feelings for the love of all that is holy)

[KatZee]

I'm sorry, you said you were with him for two YEARS? Moved in with him, even signed a lease?

 

But you never were in love with him and were intensly unhappy. Two years and this man clearly was deeply invested yet you strung him along. Just to ignore him when you suddenly broke up with him?

 

And you claim he was the needy one...

 

I hope this recent break up taught you not to play with another's emotions so flippantly. I get you said it was cowardly but, geez.

 

(I'm a girl, in your ex-ex's place and it is hell so please be more sensitive to other people's feelings for the love of all that is holy)

 

No. I never moved in with him. That apartment was mine. Everything about it was mine. I met him when I started a new job in the area and we became friends. I had no sexual interest in him but we hung out all the time. He was cool like that, I get along better with males than I do females.

 

Unfortunately, he fell for me. In the beginning I gave him a shot. He was cool, he was nice. I didn't get into a relationship with him thinking I needed someone to stroke my ego. I thought that if things progressed that I'd feel the romantic part for him over time. In the past I had been with guys purely on looks alone. This time I decided to try something different and enter a relationship based on personality.

 

I invited him over to my apartment, and he kind of just moved in on his own. He'd stay over here and there,and before I even knew what happened, he was basically living with me.

 

I really tried to make it work. I stayed as long as I possibly could. And no, I was not the clingy one. I was the one trying to get away. Always. I would sit down and talk with him in person and say that I needed my space, I needed time away from him, and he NEVER respected that. He never left me alone, he never gave me the space and time I needed to sort things out, he just kept coming over, kept living in my apartment, kept acting as if nothing happened. I talked to him in person A FEW TIMES actually. Trying to pull the plug, but each and every single time the waterworks would start, the promises to change things, and so the cycle goes. You hear this all the time how dumpees beg and plead and eventually convince their dumper to stay or take them back. That's exactly what happened here.

 

In no way did I play with his feelings. I say we were together 2 years but I honestly don't have recollection of how long we were officially together. Could have been a year and a half. I really don't know. But what I do know is that in that period of time, I never told him I loved him. Not once. He knew these things about me, he saw there were things wrong and things missing, I tried to tell him to his face I needed to leave but he was in severe denial.

 

There was no fallacy here, there was no stringing along. I was myself. I never made him think there was something there that wasn't. I cared for him as a close friend and treated him as such. But he wanted more, and I had nothing more.

 

So before you go around saying I'm this cold cruel person who plays with others, know the story.

Edited January 25, 2013 by KatZee

[CptSaveAho]

No. I never moved in with him. That apartment was mine. Everything about it was mine. I met him when I started a new job in the area and we became friends. I had no sexual interest in him but we hung out all the time. He was cool like that, I get along better with males than I do females.

 

Unfortunately, he fell for me. In the beginning I gave him a shot. He was cool, he was nice. I didn't get into a relationship with him thinking I needed someone to stroke my ego. I thought that if things progressed that I'd feel the romantic part for him over time. In the past I had been with guys purely on looks alone. This time I decided to try something different and enter a relationship based on personality.

 

I invited him over to my apartment, and he kind of just moved in on his own. He'd stay over here and there,and before I even knew what happened, he was basically living with me.

 

I really tried to make it work. I stayed as long as I possibly could. And no, I was not the clingy one. I was the one trying to get away. Always. I would sit down and talk with him in person and say that I needed my space, I needed time away from him, and he NEVER respected that. He never left me alone, he never gave me the space and time I needed to sort things out, he just kept coming over, kept living in my apartment, kept acting as if nothing happened. I talked to him in person A FEW TIMES actually. Trying to pull the plug, but each and every single time the waterworks would start, the promises to change things, and so the cycle goes.

 

In no way did I play with his feelings. I say we were together 2 years but I honestly don't have recollection of how long we were officially together. Could have been a year and a half. I really don't know. But what I do know is that in that period of time, I never told him I loved him. Not once.

 

There was no fallacy here, there was no stringing along. I was myself. I never made him think there was something there that wasn't. I cared for him as a close friend and treated him as such. But he wanted more, and I had nothing more.

 

So before you go around saying I'm this cold cruel person who plays with others, know the story.

 

Right.... you stayed with a guy because you couldnt be alone, only left when you found someone else...

 

The fact is you never said NO.... you let it happened and played dumb

 

Don't change the plotline, after it happened

[destroyed4sho]

I understand not having feelings for someone and having to let them go. But the fact that you admit you checked out long before breaking up with him is a fallacy and down right deceitful. This person went through hell these months trying, hoping and praying it would work out. You were on another mission though. What you were doing instead, was buffering an imminent break up and trying to separate yourself from him with all the ease and comfort possible at HIS expense. Not the right thing to do. Live and learn though.

[KatZee]

Right.... you stayed with a guy because you couldnt be alone, only left when you found someone else...

 

The fact is you never said NO.... you let it happened and played dumb

 

Don't change the plotline, after it happened

 

I couldn't be alone? That's all I WANTED was to be alone. He suffocated me half to death. It was guilt that kept me with him. Nothing more. He is a good person, and he would cry to me. And beg, and plead, and ask for chances, and stupidly I thought something could grow from what we had.

 

I wasn't with him because I was lonely, or bored, or looking to screw with someone. Nor did I change any plot line. Nice try there though. You can sit here and try to attack what happened in my past relationship but you, nor are any of you here one's to judge when you've done things like this in your own lives.

 

And I said NO more than once, if you actually read what I said. I said I sat down with him a number of times. At least three times to tell him that I didn't feel it was working. I wasn't happy. I needed space. I need time alone. I most certainly did not play dumb. Not even in the least. It was always me trying to figure out what to say to him, how to end it.

 

And EVERY single time I was pulled back in. Am I dumb for staying when I should have just ripped the bandaid off? Yes. But I never went into this looking to intentionally hurt him, string him along, or use him. At the end of the day, I cut him off for HIS SAKE.

[KatZee]

I understand not having feelings for someone and having to let them go. But the fact that you admit you checked out long before breaking up with him is a fallacy and down right deceitful. This person went through hell these months trying, hoping and praying it would work out. You were on another mission though. What you were doing instead, was buffering an imminent break up and trying to separate yourself from him with all the ease and comfort possible at HIS expense. Not the right thing to do. Live and learn though.

 

I really don't think what went on is something that is new to the dating world. What do you think HAPPENS when dumpers dump their dumpees? They've checked out. They don't dump them when they're so madly in love. They dump them when they've exhausted all avenues of choices, and when they realize things aren't going to change, things aren't better, and the feelings are gone.

 

MOST DUMPERS are officially checked out before the end. I'm sorry if that is deceitful to you but that is the reality of dating. You will find that the case in 90% of all breakups; dumper is done.

 

And it's not as if I had this hidden agenda. I was very verbal with him. He knew I wasn't happy. We were fighting. I was asking for breaks. Asking for space. Asking for him to leave my apartment.

 

At no point was ANY of this a surprise to him. At all. And when I met that new person, he in fact knew about HIM as well because I mentioned it. There were no secrets at all, but as I said, my ex was very needy. He even went the route as to say, "Go date this new guy, get it out of your system and then I'll take you back."

 

It was BAD. He just wasn't getting it that I was done with the relationship.

Edited January 25, 2013 by KatZee

[arrowfoot]

Right.... you stayed with a guy because you couldnt be alone, only left when you found someone else...

 

The fact is you never said NO.... you let it happened and played dumb

 

Don't change the plotline, after it happened

 

This.

 

And I didn't claim you to be "clingy", I said "needy". There's a difference. It's not an attack on you. No one who is emotionally healthy would stay with someone who they only had platonic feelings for, for more than a month, let alone a year (or two). They just don't. We attract and stay with the people who compliment us in someway.

 

Furthermore, it was you, ironically, who offered the explanation "...I wasn't using him to stroke my ego." That is actually a pretty understandable reason as to why you'd stay with him. Which equates to being needy. But not having the courage to face your own needs.

 

I'm just asking you to look in the mirror. Maybe you can reflect on this relationship a bit more and then yourself. To a third perspective, its pretty obvious what happened here.

 

Poor guy. I hope he's giving all that love to someone who deserves it now.

[trevjim]

ask questions of course but please don't attack people on here.

 

Katzee is just being honest and I for one found her post informative and helpful.

 

hindsight Is a wonderful thing and I'm sure Katzee would of got out sooner if she had to do it again. its not always as black and white as just dumping someone.

[KatZee]

This.

 

And I didn't claim you to be "clingy", I said "needy". There's a difference. It's not an attack on you. No one who is emotionally healthy would stay with someone who they only had platonic feelings for, for more than a month, let alone a year (or two). They just don't. We attract and stay with the people who compliment us in someway.

 

Furthermore, it was you, ironically, who offered the explanation "...I wasn't using him to stroke my ego." That is actually a pretty understandable reason as to why you'd stay with him. Which equates to being needy. But not having the courage to face your own needs.

 

I'm just asking you to look in the mirror. Maybe you can reflect on this relationship a bit more and then yourself. To a third perspective, its pretty obvious what happened here.

 

Poor guy. I hope he's giving all that love to someone who deserves it now.

 

I cared for him. Plain and simple. I did treat him like a boyfriend on an emotional level in the beginning. I cared for him in that way. There are a lot of things which contributed to me not going further romantically with him.

There are a lot of things he did, the ways he acted, and things about him which turned me off. Those things he knew, that's where his begging and pleading for me to stay came in.

 

After a while there was just no more intimacy. No sex. We went from bf/gf to basically roommates. So again, there is just way too much involved with this story to be so black and white as to say I stayed because I was needy and needed someone. Not the case.

 

Something about him did pull me towards him in the beginning. Although I wasn't SUPER attracted, I still was like, OK lets give it a shot. As I said in the past I was with people based purely on looks alone and I had been screwed over a lot. I didn't go into this thinking I needed him, I went into it thinking, "I'm done picking a.ssholes, I'm going to choose the nice guy, and I'm going to see where it goes."

 

I never kept one thing from him. He was well aware of the unhappiness, and I felt too bad for him to just cut him loose. I gave him chances to change, to work on things, and gave it a chance to make it work. I don't think that makes me "needy" or a "bad person" at all.

 

And I'm not sure how you can say I was using him to stroke my ego, when all I wanted was to just have it end. It became burdensome--- not something that kept me feeling amazing about myself. I felt horrible every single day, the guilt on staying, the fear of staying.

 

Again, way too much about this to just make such black and white statements about "what clearly happened."

 

And one last thing about me, is that I'm always worried about everyone else, and not myself. I stayed because I felt I wasn't give it enough time, enough chances for it to work out. It was never about me at all, and that's a personal character flaw I've been trying to get out of. I need to focus on me, and my happiness and not stay with someone to keep THEM happy.

Edited January 25, 2013 by KatZee

[arrowfoot]

I cared for him. Plain and simple. I did treat him like a boyfriend on an emotional level in the beginning. I cared for him in that way. There are a lot of things which contributed to me not going further romantically with him.

There are a lot of things he did, the ways he acted, and things about him which turned me off. Those things he knew, that's where his begging and pleading for me to stay came in.

 

After a while there was just no more intimacy. No sex. We went from bf/gf to basically roommates. So again, there is just way too much involved with this story to be so black and white as to say I stayed because I was needy and needed someone. Not the case.

 

Something about him did pull me towards him in the beginning. Although I wasn't SUPER attracted, I still was like, OK lets give it a shot. As I said in the past I was with people based purely on looks alone and I had been screwed over a lot. I didn't go into this thinking I needed him, I went into it thinking, "I'm done picking a.ssholes, I'm going to choose the nice guy, and I'm going to see where it goes."

 

I never kept one thing from him. He was well aware of the unhappiness, and I felt too bad for him to just cut him loose. I gave him chances to change, to work on things, and gave it a chance to make it work. I don't think that makes me "needy" or a "bad person" at all.

 

And I'm not sure how you can say I was using him to stroke my ego, when all I wanted was to just have it end. It became burdensome--- not something that kept me feeling amazing about myself. I felt horrible every single day, the guilt on staying, the fear of staying.

 

Again, way too much about this to just make such black and white statements about "what clearly happened."

 

*sigh*

 

I never said you were a "bad person". Never did I once claim you to be anything close to that. You are not a bad person at all. A lot of the things that you have misquoted me as saying seem to be very telling of how you (may) actually feel about yourself.

 

Is that a possibility?

 

The fact that you felt burdened by his neediness, and suffocated, say a lot about you. That you were willing to, in a sense, torture yourself and someone else just for what? The possibility of a relationship with a "nice guy"? This guy sounds like a doormat, not a nice guy.

 

Please, please, don't get defensive. Take it from someone who's been on the planet longer. (I assume; I'm in my mid 30s, feels like everyone is getting younger than I!) PEOPLE CHOOSE THE PEOPLE THEY THINK THEY DESERVE.

 

Most of the time, people have no idea that they are doing this until they've chosen the wrong person many times already. As you said, you were tired of picking *******s. I'm sure you weren't getting into the first couple relationships thinking "An *******! He's a dreamboat!" No, you were thinking, "Wow this guy turns me on and I want to be with him."

 

This man you speak of as being incredibly clingy, I believe you, and he is partially responsible for sticking around and letting himself be walked all over. He probably thought he didn't deserve anything more than what little you were giving him.

 

But, I still do believe that you were needy to stay with a man who just worships you. You have all the control. You have the safety of knowing he will never leave. You staying with him despite your feelings evokes the same lack of self-respect and accountability he had by staying with someone who doesn't love him.

 

You don't just enjoy hurting people, and you're not a "cold" or "bad" person which is exactly why the only reason you would stay with him is if it served you in someway. The admiration felt good. I understand.

 

That's human nature, that's life.

 

 

And there is no black and white reasoning afoot here. I'm going by the information you've submitted which, even upon your elaborations, still echo the same message.

 

All I'm saying is that maybe it's time for some introspection. Possibly?

 

 

Take care.

[KatZee]

The fact that you felt burdened by his neediness, and suffocated, say a lot about you. That you were willing to, in a sense, torture yourself and someone else just for what? The possibility of a relationship with a "nice guy"? This guy sounds like a doormat, not a nice guy.

 

This is essentially what I agree with in your post. I said it in my last one. I care more about others than I do myself and I allow myself to remain in bad situations for the sake of others. Apparently that's a negative Libra trait and I'm Libra to the core.

 

He loved me, he wanted me to stay, I stayed. I should have left. I should have done what was right for both of us long before I actually did. I was naive, and thought things would grow between us. That's the only thing I really thought while staying with him. That eventually one day I'd wake up and desire him the way others desired their significant others. I was young though. Like 23, so it's only normal I'd make this mistake.

 

Now I know... if you don't feel it pretty much immediately, you never will. And these days (almost 29 so not much younger than you!) I don't get involved with, or lead anyone on that I'm not 100% attracted to.

 

But yes I did beat myself up for a while about being a bad person. I never go to intentionally hurt others, I've been hurt and screwed over way too many times to go out looking to do that to someone, or to use someone for my own gain.