My (long) story, still feeling terrible

[jkball]

Sorry but this is going to be a long one.

 

OK so my girlfriend of 2 1/4 years broke up with me two days after Halloween, but we actually had a huge fight that was basically the end of it on Halloween. That night she called me at about 10pm and I missed the call. She left a voicemail saying she was taking a friend home from work then she would be home. Usually when she did that she would be home by 11. So by 11:15 I was getting kind of worried, I called, no answer. I kept calling her until 1 am and she never answered any time. By this time I was freaking out because she has never done anything like that before. So I didn't know what to do and her parents were actually in town visiting (we had made plans to go out to eat with them the next night) so I called her mom. She didn't know anything and she called her as well she (my gf) still didn't answer. Finally I went on her computer and found the girl she was supposedly giving a ride home to on FB and got her phone number from her profile. Finally got in touch with her (the friend) and she said she hadn't seen my gf since work, so it was a lie, she didn't take her home. Finally me gf calls, by this time I am out driving around trying to see if she's crashed her car or what. When I asked her where she had been she said she fell asleep on her co-workers couch, and I told her I knew that was a lie and I hurried home.

 

When I got there we had a shouting match, she said she felt "trapped" and I told her if that was how she felt then to just leave (which was not what I wanted). I got really pissed off and punched a hole in the door and left to go out and get a drink. When I got home she wasn't there.

 

Next day she called me at work and said she would be staying at a friends house that night and the next day we would talk. So I said OK. At this point I am thinking we are going to work it out. So when she comes over I said what I had to say which is basically "sorry I called your parents and over-reacted, but I was worried", then she said "we need to break up". So her reasons she gave were that she doesn't feel emotionally connected to me, she felt I was very controlling, and that I cut her down all the time. She also mentioned that we "never" have sex, which I guess over the last 3-4 months we had only done it like twice, terrible I know but when we first got together she had told me that she never enjoyed sex until she met me and she never seemed that into it, I always had to lead if we did anything new, and she didn't seem to take care of herself like some other girls I had dated who had a vibrator or whatever. So I thought she just had a lower libido i guess. Don't know what I was thinking it should have been a clear warning sign.

 

Anyways I am ashamed to say that much of what she says is true. When we first met we were much younger (I am 33 now she's 32) it was like 8 years ago we met in college. Then we both were hipster kids, smoked cigarettes together and study together, friends. I tried to hit on her a lot back then but she had a boyfriend back then and after college we kind of lost touch. So years later I had changed much of my lie, quit smoking, went back to school, started working out, etc. So we reconnected (I found her on FB). She was still the same, she hadn't finished school, she still smoked. So we started living together way too soon probably but everything was great for the first year. She wanted to quit smoking and start working out and she did all that, but I guess during the second year sometimes we were supposed to be on a diet together and she would go off of it sometimes and I would get mad. Or when we went out for a few drinks she would want to smoke and I would get mad about it. So I see now that this is where she thinks I am controlling and I feel guilty as hell about it. Also I am kind of a neat freak and she was kind of messy. I would bitch about it, never yelling and screaming but I would complain. I can see now that I nagged the **** out of her.

 

Also she said we never did anything together and I guess that's kind of true. I mean about 4-5 months before we broke up our roommate moved out and our bills really went up so where we used to go out to eat once a week we never did that anymore. But she would frequently go out to something with her one friend who I didn't really like all that much and she would never ask me to go, she would say "I'm going out, you don't have to go if you don't want to, you don't care right?" and I would usually stay home because I have went back to school and I usually wanted to study and get to bed because I also work 9-5. I guess towards the end there she didn't want me to go, but I feel like an ass because a good boyfriend who is into his girl would have wanted to go, but I didn't so I'm kind of confused because I am totally heartbroken and I did love her, so why didn't I try to be more involved in her life?

 

Also I guess it's complicated because even though I was 31 when we got together I had never been in an LTR for more than six months or so. This was the first girl that I felt I really loved. Another weird thing is even a week before we broke up she was acting like everything was fine, texting me "I love you" and we actually did have sex about a week before as well, so I was thinking "OK maybe we are getting over that phase". I had just helped her buy a car in August, loaned her $2600. So when we broke up I asked her how long she had felt this way and she said since a year ago when we went to her sister's wedding and we got into a fight there. So if she felt that way for a year, why didn't she ever say anything? I asked her about that and she's like "I wanted it to work, I was hoping I would snap out of it" and she one time actually said "well I did live with you", and I'm like WTF, she was using me, why didn't she say anything unless she didn't care. But she said I would have fought with her about it and she doesn;t like to fight and I do, etc.

 

So at first right after we broke up she still had all her stuff at my house and I was thinking I could get her back if I apologized. Oh I forget to add that she had just started nursing school in August. So she was coming home from work, this was like the 2nd day after the BU, and we talked on the phone and I was like "can I cook dinner for you", and she said OK, but I need to study. So I bought flowers and made a really nice dinner. I also put some of her things that were in a bedroom out in the living room because that was one of the things she complained about, that I always was negative about how she wanted to decorate or things she bought for the house. God, and I guess I did, I am an ******* I guess. See one time she bought a jar for our dog cookies (we also got two dogs together, pit-bull rescues, that she wanted and I am stuck with now, I love them though but it's difficult to take care of them by myself) and I was like "it's a waste of money, the cookies come in a bag" I guess because I felt like she wasn't good at managing money because she doesn't have a bank account and keeps her cash in her panty drawer. Also she bought me shorts one time and I was like "thanks but I don't like these there too short, etc." and looking back I guess I would always be negative about things, what the **** is wrong with me, why couldn't I just say "thanks babe".

 

So when we were breaking up I asked if there was someone else, which I suspected, but she said no, she was going to be alone for awhile, but that was a lie because she is on FB hanging out with this guy all the time. I know she was with him that night and they were probably doing something and that was why she didn't answer the phone. Since we have been having contact I went off about this guy once but I have tried to be nicer since then. I guess I keep trying to get her back, I let her watch the dogs over Christmas when I went out of town, and I offered to let her come help walk them sometimes but I think it's a mistake because when she comes over I feel like **** again and she'll be like "I am so excited about nursing school and I am so happy blah, blah, blah" while I am feeling like ****.

 

Also she is supposed to be paying me back for the car, so far all I have gotten is $1000 her mom sent me, but she did help me buy dogfood and flea medicine once.

 

She has also sent some mixed signals, such as when she came over to give me the money for the dogfood I left a key for her so she could see the dogs while she was here. So she went in the house and left the money on the table, and she called me at work while she was there and was like "I left the money and thanks for leaving a key" and I was like OK. So i got home that day and got the money, then she called again that night and was like "did you get the money?" and I was like yeah, it's where you left it. Also the night of my work Christmas party she came to pick up the dogs to walk them because I had been at work all day. So I called to make sure she got them and she was like "I'm asleep on your couch with the dogs, I'm getting up now" then when I got home she was still there, and she continued to sleep on the couch while I showered and got dressed and then stayed until after I left. I guess it doesn't mean **** but I wanted to believe that it meant she missed me, our dogs, our life, etc.

 

So anyways the last time she came over to walk the dogs was Jan. 9th. I haven't contacted her at all since then and she called this Thursday but I didn't answer, and she didn't leave a message. I think NC is the way to go from here on out, don't even really care if I get the rest of the money. But in my heart I want to keep in touch because I still love her.

 

I have been feeling extremely depressed and borderline suicidal since this happened. I have been doing some counseling but I still am having a really hard time with this. I am getting to the point where I can't talk about it to friends or family any more because I know they are tired of hearing about it and no one gets why I am not over it yet since it's been almost three months now. I think I have to go no contact but in my heart I still want her back so bad, I would try anything to make it work but also in my heart I know it's not going to happen and if it did it probably wouldn't work. At the same time I just can't seem to move on and I just feel miserable, afraid, etc. I am in my last semester at school and I am barely scraping by. Normally I am an A student but I can barely summon the focus and effort to do my work. I still cry every day and wake up every morning like it just happened all over again.

 

So that's it. Actually there's more but it's long enough. I just would like to see what people think and it feels good to write it all out like this. I appreciate anyone who took the time to actually read all this and I welcome any insight that anyone could add. Thanks all.

[Downtown]

Jkball, welcome to the LS forum. I'm sorry you are still hurting so badly 3 months after the breakup. But you are doing the right thing by going NC -- it gives you the best opportunity to heal. If you've not already done so, I strongly encourage you to see a therapist for at least a visit or two.

 

Doing so can help you deal with the emotional pain and also with the anger and controlling issues you describe as occurring during the relationship (e.g., punching a hold in the door and trying to control her behavior). Because you are still in a university, you likely will find the school has therapists that are available at little or no cost to students.

[jkball]

Thanks Downtown, I have been to the therapist at the school. I guess the reason I am still hurting so bad 3 months later is that all those behaviors, I did do them, but at the time I couldn't see what I was doing. Now, I am like, how could I be so stupid, I hate myself for doing those things because I know I did love her. Why would I act that way, I feel like I don't understand anything.