Logic Vs. Emotion

[superb]

I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around my recent break up with a man. Although it was my choice to end things (I didn't want to) but felt I had to because he was still active on dating sites and I was offended/hurt. When I confronted him with it and offered us to "friend zone" he got defensive, angry and now won't reply to ME as if I've done something wrong. Logically I know he's a jerk and I should just move on but where do the feelings go? I miss him. I thought he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now and now I'm feeling lost, really sad. I'm struggling here to not contact him again so I came here...

[Coping Vortex]

I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around my recent break up with a man. Although it was my choice to end things (I didn't want to) but felt I had to because he was still active on dating sites and I was offended/hurt. When I confronted him with it and offered us to "friend zone" he got defensive, angry and now won't reply to ME as if I've done something wrong. Logically I know he's a jerk and I should just move on but where do the feelings go? I miss him. I thought he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now and now I'm feeling lost, really sad. I'm struggling here to not contact him again so I came here...

 

You are the dumper. The ball is in your court to contact him if you want to continue. But don't mess with him. Only contact him if u are sure you want him back. Can you work through the issues with the online sites? Then contact him if not move on.

[D-Lish]

When someone isn't treating you the way you deserve to be treated, you have to do what is best for you- and that's what you did. You stuck to your boundaries despite the fact that it hurts to enforce them.

 

You can't control how you feel- you can only control what you do with your feelings. You did the right thing by walking away.

 

Now that you've made the right choice, stand by it and don't try to initiate conversations with him. You can't have it both ways- break up with him AND have expectations of further dialogue. If he's not responding- it's because he's not interested in changing things- and that should be all you need to know to move on.

 

You're right- a guy maintaining dating profiles while supposedly dating you is disrespectful. Your response to dump him was smart! I would just tell yourself that his action weren't exactly screaming that he's into you, and you deserve better than that.

[superb]

When someone isn't treating you the way you deserve to be treated, you have to do what is best for you- and that's what you did. You stuck to your boundaries despite the fact that it hurts to enforce them.

 

You can't control how you feel- you can only control what you do with your feelings. You did the right thing by walking away.

 

Now that you've made the right choice, stand by it and don't try to initiate conversations with him. You can't have it both ways- break up with him AND have expectations of further dialogue. If he's not responding- it's because he's not interested in changing things- and that should be all you need to know to move on.

 

You're right- a guy maintaining dating profiles while supposedly dating you is disrespectful. Your response to dump him was smart! I would just tell yourself that his action weren't exactly screaming that he's into you, and you deserve better than that.

 

I agree, I struggled with this for a few weeks before I brought it up...thought he'd delete them in time but didn't feel I should have to be a sitting duck in the situation because he was not ready for ME. I know what I want and if he were on the same page he'd have changed his actions.... Boundaries was exactly it in my opinion and I feel that if I'm trying to move fwd in a serious relationship with someone and he is on the same page then these problems wouldn't exist. I think some people have serious issues with the internet, the false attention from others and I'm not willing to be in a relationship or try with someone who has problems like that. I know deep down I am right. I do miss him but that will pass....I've been doing this for 6 years, I'm getting used to the patterns and the games that men sometimes play with women (unfortunately).

[superb]

You are the dumper. The ball is in your court to contact him if you want to continue. But don't mess with him. Only contact him if u are sure you want him back. Can you work through the issues with the online sites? Then contact him if not move on.

 

Ideally I'd like to be with him, I like him...he made me happy. I guess I thought he'd have seen the light and miss me by now. Humbling for sure that he doesn't. It's a new relationship (3 months in) so at this point I figured any minor problems we had we could resolve, if I meant as much as he claimed I did. Guess I was wrong.

[Coping Vortex]

Ideally I'd like to be with him, I like him...he made me happy. I guess I thought he'd have seen the light and miss me by now. Humbling for sure that he doesn't. It's a new relationship (3 months in) so at this point I figured any minor problems we had we could resolve, if I meant as much as he claimed I did. Guess I was wrong.

 

It up to you to reach out to him. He doesn't know how you feel. He thinks you dont want to be with him. You set the table. Its up to you to make the move. If you look at most posts on here the dumpee should never contact the dumper.

[na49]

Coping pretty much nailed it. When you chose to dump him, that tells him that you don't want to be with him. He probably still has feelings for you, so friend zoning him seems pretty selfish. I'd say leave him alone, unless you want to be with him. Then tell him how you feel.

[superb]

Coping pretty much nailed it. When you chose to dump him, that tells him that you don't want to be with him. He probably still has feelings for you, so friend zoning him seems pretty selfish. I'd say leave him alone, unless you want to be with him. Then tell him how you feel.

 

I told him I wanted to be with him and that if he couldn't leave the dating sites we should at least try to be friends because that was the most important element to this relationship. He went silent during the conversation. It's not like he tried to reason with me or even tell me I was wrong. I approached him hurt and upset asking him why he was on there....he was cold.

[D-Lish]

It up to you to reach out to him. He doesn't know how you feel. He thinks you dont want to be with him. You set the table. Its up to you to make the move. If you look at most posts on here the dumpee should never contact the dumper.

 

Coping pretty much nailed it. When you chose to dump him, that tells him that you don't want to be with him. He probably still has feelings for you, so friend zoning him seems pretty selfish. I'd say leave him alone, unless you want to be with him. Then tell him how you feel.

 

WHAT? The guy she was dating was disrespecting HER by actively using dating profiles while in a relationship with her- and you two believe she needs to reach out to HIM? You don't think what he was doing was disrespectful to her?

[superb]

WHAT? The guy she was dating was disrespecting HER by actively using dating profiles while in a relationship with her- and you two believe she needs to reach out to HIM? You don't think what he was doing was disrespectful to her?

 

My point exactly....I had to have the conversation with him and lay out the boundaries and HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME. I nearly begged him to speak...I wanted to fix but I had to be strong and keep true to my own standards.

[D-Lish]

I told him I wanted to be with him and that if he couldn't leave the dating sites we should at least try to be friends because that was the most important element to this relationship. He went silent during the conversation. It's not like he tried to reason with me or even tell me I was wrong. I approached him hurt and upset asking him why he was on there....he was cold.

 

Don't even consider listening to the advice of crawling back to him to tell him how you feel!

 

You did the right thing, he knows how you felt, he didn't want to take down his dating profiles- even after you told him how you felt. He showed you everything you needed to know about where his head was at.

 

It's up to him to make things right if he chooses to do so.

[superb]

Also, don't you think a grown 32 year old man who had deep feelings for a woman would actually fight for her? Try to fix? Try to make it work? Not update his page with new pics and go to a few more dating sites while he was at it. I think he is a coward and I'm pretty mad at him.

[superb]

Don't even consider listening to the advice of crawling back to him to tell him how you feel!

 

You did the right thing, he knows how you felt, he didn't want to take down his dating profiles- even after you told him how you felt. He showed you everything you needed to know about where his head was at.

 

It's up to him to make things right if he chooses to do so.

 

You're right, so I won't be texting him again asking him to talk about it. He very obviously is selfish and he doesn't care like he claimed to. He is a liar.

[Stoic44]

My point exactly....I had to have the conversation with him and lay out the boundaries and HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME. I nearly begged him to speak...I wanted to fix but I had to be strong and keep true to my own standards.

 

I had my profile up three weeks into something, but wasn't using it. I guess if I was into the girl and she saw it and questioned me, and I loved her, I would explain I wasn't using it and would take it down.

[na49]

Okay my bad. I'm probably harsh on dumpers when giving advice because I was the dumpee. I know I shouldn't be.

 

If he's on dating sites and wants to be on dating sites, then he probably feels like you did him a favor by dumping him. If that's the case. Screw him! Let him go screw other broads and eventually he'll find out what he missed. If he hasn't reached out to you, it's probably better to assume he won't. You don't need to stroke his ego by reaching out to him. He'll probably feel like a mac if he's got a girl who dumped him reaching out to him. Don't give this clown the satisfaction.

[D-Lish]

Also, don't you think a grown 32 year old man who had deep feelings for a woman would actually fight for her? Try to fix? Try to make it work? Not update his page with new pics and go to a few more dating sites while he was at it. I think he is a coward and I'm pretty mad at him.

 

 

You're right, so I won't be texting him again asking him to talk about it. He very obviously is selfish and he doesn't care like he claimed to. He is a liar.

 

I think the more you text him to talk about it, the more you are showing him that your boundaries are flexible. Essentially, you called him out on bad behaviour, and he is choosing to ignore you for calling him out. The more you ask him to talk about it, the more power you give him in the break up.

[superb]

Okay my bad. I'm probably harsh on dumpers when giving advice because I was the dumpee. I know I shouldn't be.

 

If he's on dating sites and wants to be on dating sites, then he probably feels like you did him a favor by dumping him. If that's the case. Screw him! Let him go screw other broads and eventually he'll find out what he missed. If he hasn't reached out to you, it's probably better to assume he won't. You don't need to stroke his ego by reaching out to him. He'll probably feel like a mac if he's got a girl who dumped him reaching out to him. Don't give this clown the satisfaction.

 

I'm going NC as of this morning....he lost me. His fault right? Wish it felt inspiring and motivating but it doesn't. I'm going to miss him til I don't anymore. Period.

[superb]

I think the more you text him to talk about it, the more you are showing him that your boundaries are flexible. Essentially, you called him out on bad behaviour, and he is choosing to ignore you for calling him out. The more you ask him to talk about it, the more power you give him in the break up.

 

You're also right about this. This is where I struggle with my logic vs. emotion. I need to be strong and not reach out.

[D-Lish]

You're also right about this. This is where I struggle with my logic vs. emotion. I need to be strong and not reach out.

 

We all struggle with that! You're stronger than you think, because you did the hardest thing about all of this- to stand up for yourself and walk!

 

Just focus on why you left him every time a pleasant memory comes up. That will help to keep you focused on staying on course.

 

I'm betting that if you stop contacting him, he will reach out to you- so be prepared for that.

[superb]

We all struggle with that! You're stronger than you think, because you did the hardest thing about all of this- to stand up for yourself and walk!

 

Just focus on why you left him every time a pleasant memory comes up. That will help to keep you focused on staying on course.

 

I'm betting that if you stop contacting him, he will reach out to you- so be prepared for that.

 

To be 100% honest with you and myself here...if he reaches out to me I will be happy. I want things to work between us. Seems like everyday that passes though I get more angry at him for not. If he's going to then the sooner the better for him because I don't think I should wait or be hung up on a man who isn't hung up on me.

[D-Lish]

To be 100% honest with you and myself here...if he reaches out to me I will be happy. I want things to work between us. Seems like everyday that passes though I get more angry at him for not. If he's going to then the sooner the better for him because I don't think I should wait or be hung up on a man who isn't hung up on me.

 

Just out of curiosity, when is the last time you reached out to him?

[superb]

Just out of curiosity, when is the last time you reached out to him?

 

This morning, lol. We broke up on Tuesday morning...via text even because he will not call me or answer. Two days passed, I heard nothing so I text him this morning. Saying I missed him....explaining myself and how I felt but he ignored me. Then I got angry and told him I'd never contact him again. My emotions are rollercoastering. I think it's best to say nothing more to him at this point. He's "online now" on both of his dating profiles so I'm sure I'm not a thought at this point. That SUCKS tho. Really sucks.

[superb]

Those feelings of hurt and missing him are part of a break up.

Cause you got hurt . And you where use too be with him

 

But its not something that you will feel for ever.

Cause with time if you allow yourself it will get less and less.

 

And you will get stronger and able too date again.

Just hold on, plan your days with activity's and dont sit all day thinking about him.

 

I know you're right. I've been thru this before. I didn't even sleep with this man, we were waiting, trying to do this right for each other for the right reasons. He's shown me he isn't the one. In the midst of it all I'm caught up, emotionally. Which is worse than physically for women in my opinion. This too shall pass. I know, I know. Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.

[D-Lish]

This morning, lol. We broke up on Tuesday morning...via text even because he will not call me or answer. Two days passed, I heard nothing so I text him this morning. Saying I missed him....explaining myself and how I felt but he ignored me. Then I got angry and told him I'd never contact him again. My emotions are rollercoastering. I think it's best to say nothing more to him at this point. He's "online now" on both of his dating profiles so I'm sure I'm not a thought at this point. That SUCKS tho. Really sucks.

 

Okay, so you need to start no contact with him right now- no more reaching out.

 

You broke up with him, but then told him you missed him- so he holds all the power right now because he is ignoring you.

 

That's okay though, it doesn't negate that he wasn't treating you with respect, and you can start to enforce your boundaries with that right now.

 

Stop looking at what he's doing online and try to occupy yourself by doing something else. It will make it much harder to ignore him when you're focusing all your energy on him. Start focusing on yourself and doing things that make you feel good, maybe get out of the house and away from the computer for a few hours.

[superb]

Okay, so you need to start no contact with him right now- no more reaching out.

 

You broke up with him, but then told him you missed him- so he holds all the power right now because he is ignoring you.

 

That's okay though, it doesn't negate that he wasn't treating you with respect, and you can start to enforce your boundaries with that right now.

 

Stop looking at what he's doing online and try to occupy yourself by doing something else. It will make it much harder to ignore him when you're focusing all your energy on him. Start focusing on yourself and doing things that make you feel good, maybe get out of the house and away from the computer for a few hours.

 

Good idea...I'm going to file my taxes and spend time with my kids. Is there a way to friend people on here? Or do you just follow posts? I'd like to keep in contact with you D-lish...you're a cool woman...thanks for your help today.