mammasita Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Well, I thought things were going well with my BF......but I realized yesterday that I was being somewhat strung along. He broke up with me and moved out back in September but then rescinded and said he still wanted to be in a committed relationship, but have some independence. I went with it. The last week or so I started to feel like I wasn't getting what I wanted nor what I deserved from this set up. About an hour ago I went to have a "talk" with him, I ended it. I want an adult relationship - he was having his cake and eating it and then playing relationship on the weekends. Like high school. I want marriage to be a possibility - he recently said he NEVER wants to get married. This is one of the hardest things I've had to do. I hope I can stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Yes, you did the right thing. You want equality in your relationship. A partner that can fulfill your needs and desires within the relationship and for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Ouch! Sorry to read that you had to let it go. Good for though that your personal boundaries are firmly in place. Tough decision for you I can tell. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Yes, IMO, you did the right thing. He was stringing you along and wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Playing "relationship" on weekends , or when he felt like it, etc -- it all sounds so familiar.. Typical of emotionally unavailable and commitment phobic men who want the benefits ( companionship and sex ), but not the responsibilities of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 My ex said it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do when he split with me. I'm curious as to whether he meant it....did a part of you want to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 He basically wanted you to think you were in a relationship (because he knows that is what you want), when in fact he thought of it as a friends with benefits arrangement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammasita Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 My ex said it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do when he split with me. I'm curious as to whether he meant it....did a part of you want to stay. Of course I did, a part of me wanted to stay and wait it out and HOPE that he came around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammasita Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 He basically wanted you to think you were in a relationship (because he knows that is what you want), when in fact he thought of it as a friends with benefits arrangement. yes. He swears he's not (wasn't) stringing me along....but its plain as day. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 yes. He swears he's not (wasn't) stringing me along....but its plain as day. Of course he swears he wasn't. No one comes out right and says, "Yes, I was stringing you along honey." Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 How long have you two been in a relationship for, in total? How long ago did this behaviour of his start? He may have broken up as a way of gaining some control and keeping you at a distance that felt comfortable for him. He is emotionally unavailable. This is the way such men behave, unfortunately. Mine was the same. He did not even want to call or talk to me... just texting, every now and then... a few days before he broke up with me (for the 2nd time) he even got super-irritated by the fact that I had been texting him every day... Whateverrrrrr. These people are unstable and are into mind games. Do not waste one more second of your time on this man. Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Of course I did, a part of me wanted to stay and wait it out and HOPE that he came around. Hopefully my ex meant it when he said it then. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 yes. He swears he's not (wasn't) stringing me along....but its plain as day. haha, well, of course he's going to claim innocence.... mine was using me as a f*ck buddy all along and then ended up blaming me during the break-up..... seriously, f*ck what they say! That's called gaslighting... making you think that you were the one to blame for the relationship going downhill, when in fact htey never wanted the relationship to begin with!!! They just wanted the sex + companionship with as little hassle as possible and when it turned out that it was too much hassle, they just checked out! They just weighed the costs and benefits of being in this pseudo-relationship and decided that the costs (for them) outweighed the benefits! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammasita Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 How long have you two been in a relationship for, in total? How long ago did this behaviour of his start? He may have broken up as a way of gaining some control and keeping you at a distance that felt comfortable for him. He is emotionally unavailable. This is the way such men behave, unfortunately. Mine was the same. He did not even want to call or talk to me... just texting, every now and then... a few days before he broke up with me (for the 2nd time) he even got super-irritated by the fact that I had been texting him every day... Whateverrrrrr. These people are unstable and are into mind games. Do not waste one more second of your time on this man. Its been 2 years. He started acting this way in august-september when he moved out. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Its been 2 years. He started acting this way in august-september when he moved out. IMO, he just likes the single life (with pseudo-relationship/FWB arrangement-type thing "on the side") better than being in an actual relationship. So now he's treating you as a side gig , pretty much... when in fact he really thinks of himself as being "single" for all intents and purposes... You did the right thing, IMO, despite the fact that you had feelings for this man. At the end of the day, we must look out for our needs, and not let others trample on them. I don't mind compromise, but some people are just not interested in that, and don't give a sh*t about your needs at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammasita Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 So he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. His compromise is to move back in with me. Sounds more like me compromising again and him winning. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 So he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. His compromise is to move back in with me. Sounds more like me compromising again and him winning. Huh? When? Where? What? So he has moved back in with you? Did he suggest moving in back with you? Or has he already moved back in ?? Or are you saying that moving back in would've been a compromise on his part, but he didn't make that compromise? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammasita Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 Huh? When? Where? What? So he has moved back in with you? Did he suggest moving in back with you? Or has he already moved back in ?? Or are you saying that moving back in would've been a compromise on his part, but he didn't make that compromise? He suggested moving back in. this is his compromise and his proof he doesn't want to lose me. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 When did he suggest this? When you broke up with him? Or before that, when you got back together after he first broke up? Also, what more are you expecting of him? What needs of yours are not being satisfied? If he moves back in with you , how can he just play relationship on weekends? it would be very hard for him to avoid relationship responsibilities and satisfying your needs, if you guys are living together... The only probelm I can see is him saying he does not want to ever get married. That indicates that you two might just not be compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammasita Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 When did he suggest this? When you broke up with him? Or before that, when you got back together after he first broke up? Also, what more are you expecting of him? What needs of yours are not being satisfied? If he moves back in with you , how can he just play relationship on weekends? it would be very hard for him to avoid relationship responsibilities and satisfying your needs, if you guys are living together... The only probelm I can see is him saying he does not want to ever get married. That indicates that you two might just not be compatible. He suggested this today after I told him I wasnt happy with how this "relationship" was going. We just spoke and I pretty much told him that I won't accept anything less than marriage from him. I know it sounds like an ultimatum, but I won't take anything less and am ok with him walking away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammasita Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 We spoke yesterday and he says he is going to seek counseling because he doesn't want to lose me and wants to prove that he does love me...... On the other hand his sister, who knows him well and his is confidant, says that I need to move on. I'm so torn, his words to me seem so sincere, yet hers are so adamant about me moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
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