Wanting her back

[Sydney1985]

Hello there,

 

I really need a relationship advice. I'll try and summarise my life story, without going too much into details but not missing out on anything important. So apologies in advance for a long post.

 

We've been together for almost 6 years. We've gone through a lot of very important life experiences together such as college graduation, first job, first promotion, first real stress at work, first trip overseas and a lot more. I was her first and she always used to tell me that she would never love anyone else in her life as much as she loved me. She admitted having a massive crush on me in college for quite some time, before we even met. We were genuinly very happy together.

 

In the last year of our relationship we've had issues. Our relationship has become very turbulent. She really wanted us to go onto the "next level", i.e. engagement/ marriage. She really-really wanted it. I must admit I wanted it too - it was the right time after all. However, I didn't want to do it simply because she asked me for it. I wanted to come up with this "decision" on my own and suprise her. But she was running out of patience, which started making her very insecure and jealous towards other people around me. At one stage it has almost reached the point of being ridiculous, where she started being jealous towards just about any female around me at work.

 

She cried in front of me a lot and asked if she needed to see a counsellor. I always talked to her and managed to persuade (at least that's what I thought) to just calm down, be her happy self and not think too much into it and the rest would come when the time is right. However, this only worked for a few weeks, maybe a month, before another arguement would pop up out of nowhere on the same topic.

 

I started getting second thoughts, I've become very depressed in life and stressed about work (something that never happened to me before as I am normally very ambitious and motivated in life). There were two occasions when I wanted to buy a ring, but then the "storm" would hit again and make me think more about it. Its not that I didn't want it. I really had big plans for us. Gosh, I even had numerous spreadsheets with different scenarios over starting our life together, i.e. buying a house, saving for different goals together, etc. Its almost like my heart was fully committed but my head was confused.

 

This dragged for almost a year. Until one day, when we had another fight. She resigned from her job, packed her bags up and moved to a different city. I begged her to stay. I promised her to work everything out. She only wanted one thing. But somehow I was just too stubborn about it. I didn't want to give in just because of the circumstances.

 

Two weeks before she left. Before leaving we still hung out, we slept together, we did a lot of things together like we were still dating. In fact, we even still talked during her first two weeks in the new city. Then we had another fight. And thats when I've made a call to have a break. Time away from each other to think about our lives, to understand what we really wanted out of each other. Ive cut all the communication. I used this time away to really think about my character, things I've done and things I should have never done.

 

Two months later, after really putting a lot of effort into thinking about it all, I've realised that I simply couldn't live without her. I was too stubborn about this whole situation, and completely unfair on her. I wanted to explain it all to her and ask for another chance. I had a plan in my mind and I wanted to completely sweep her off her feet. I was going to propose to her. I then heard she was coming to see her parents. I've made a move and contacted her (after having zero contact for 2 months). But what she told me hit me like a ton of bricks. She met a new guy. She's been with him for over a month. She told me she got over me and, though she still cared about me a lot, she told me it was too late. She was happy with the new guy. I didn't expect this at all.

 

I started panicking. I literally couldn't find myself in my life. I couldn't focus at work, sleep or eat. I called her and spent 3 hours talking to her just to explain how I felt and what plans I had for the two of us. I asked her to really think about it all and give me a chance. I then met her in person. She said she wanted to give this new guy a fair chance.

 

I spent another few days in a state of disbelief. I had another week or so before she went back to another city. And then I've decided to do something completely unbelievable. I've decided to propose to her. I felt like if I didn't do it then, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. I bought a ring and at that moment I actually felt very happy. For the first time in months, I felt peace inside of me. I felt confidence. I then talked to her mum (my girl has a single parent). My move really surprised her, but she understood me and felt good about it. I turned up to their place the following morning and proposed. She was really surprised, but said no. This completely killed me. But I respected her decision and left the house with no further discussion.

 

I haven't spoken to her ever since. It has been a bit over a month now.

 

It was really tough, but I've managed to get on with my life. But not a single day goes by without me, even for a few minutes, thinking about her. There are just too many things in my day to day life that remind me of her.

 

People say that we never fully appreciate things in life until we lose these things. I can fully relate to this. I've been selfish and unfair. I've learnt this lesson at a very high cost and work every day of my life to change this in my character.

 

I've recently learnt from our mutual friends that she had a number of fights with the new guy. They broke up and got back together a few times. They've been together for a couple of months and they already have these issues?

 

So here are some questions. Can one really go from a 6 year relationship, deep feelings, memorable experiences to be "fully in love" with someone new in just a matter of one month?

 

She is a very tough lady with a very strong character. Could it be that she is just playing it really hard with me and paying me back for being so selfish in the past?

 

I am really committed on winning her feelings back. Any advice? Or am I just being pathetic and I should just hit the hard ground of reality?

 

Has anyone been through something similar? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

[HaveFaithxx]

Hi,

 

I am sorry about what you are going through. I went through a similiar thing with my ex many years ago. I lost him in the end. So, I really feel for you. The regret was killing me. I felt like I lost everything and it was all my fault. It's really hard, but you will get through it and be very happy again.

 

The thing is when you first get together with someone it is so new and exciting, the infactuation stage. So, if she compares what she was feeling in the beginning with the new guy with how it felt to be with you in the end of the relationship. It probably feels better with the new guy. But, now that they are having fights.....I couldn't say obviously.

 

It could be that she doesn't trust you anymore. If I were in her shoes, I would not understand why someone wouldn't want to propose after all that time. I couldn't really understand your reasons for not proposing at all to be honest. Maybe that's because I'm a girl.

 

I would give her space and let this relationship with the guy run it's course. Let her contact you first, and always be kind positive around her. Don't bring up your relationship unless she wants to talk about it.

 

Take care xx

[denxnis]

How old are you guys?

[Sydney1985]

We are both 26.

[denxnis]

Well to make a long story short my ex and I were together for 6 years as well. You cannot reason or persuade your ex. Nothing you say will cause her to go, "Oh wow you are so right, let's get back together". I learned this the hard way.

 

• I did not treat my ex very well, I became very busy with school and work like you.
  
• We did not go out as often as I'd like to have.
  

The list goes on...

 

Point is, you and I both tried to reconcile and our ex's took the easy way out and said no thanks, I'll take the easy way out.

 

I don't know about you but I could never get back together with a woman that left me to **** some other guy. It sounds harsh but it's the hard truth.

 

It's unfortunate but it happens. Count your blessings. Think of all the things you still have, great job? A degree? Good looks? It's time to move on and let these woman learn the hard way. I know the next relationship I get into I will treat the girl much better and not take things for granted like in my last relationship; I'm willing to bet you will do the same.

 

I'm 24 by the way, she is 22.

[wilmanelson76]

It's true that we do take things for granted and only realise its value when its gone. I am sure its not possible to just break a 6 yr relationship like that. Good that you have learnt from your mistakes. I still feel there is hope and you can take steps to reach out to her. People mature, thinking changes, anything could happen.

[Sydney1985]

Thanks guys. Appreciate your responses.

 

The thing is that, appart from the fights we've had over the same issue, I've always treated her really well. I helped her out a lot at uni, with work and her family issues. Always was there when times were tough. And this is exactly something that really bothers me. I always wished her well.

 

I know I was too selfish in the way that I never really fully understood how much she wanted the next step. And I am not going to lie here, she wanted it a lot more than I did. I was just that stubborn immature idiot that was so career focused, I couldn't simply stop for just a few minutes, block everything out of my life and realise that something that trully mattered in life was right in front of me.

[Sydney1985]

I really feel like I need to be part of her life. I heard nothing from her for more than a month. I know nothing about her life anymore other than random things I hear from the mutual friends. I'm not talking nagging her about our relationship or analysing the past. What's done is done. I only try and remember the good things from my past and learn from bad experiences. What I'm talking about is staying in touch with her and sharing our life experiences again.

 

Is it a bad idea??

[na49]

I think it's a bad idea. I know you miss her and not being a part of someone's life who used to be a part of your life for a long time is hard. The reason why I think it's a bad idea is because I don't know if you're ready to know what's going on in her life. I guarentee you it's nothing that will help you to get over her. How does her f*cking other guys sound? How would you feel when she calls you whenever she is having guy troubles and goes to you for a sympathetic ear?

 

I know you think you won't analyze the past or anything. but given the opportunity, you'll feel different about this than you do right now. So save yourself the trouble. If she hasn't reached out to you, you don't need to reach out to her.