Back together success story........so far.....

[Coping Vortex]

I posted my whole story a few times here. Here's a recap, 8 weeks out from a BU some. Broke NC a few times here and there in the form of texts. She had already begun dating someone else. We had some texts over a week ago. Mostly breadcrumbs. Then she texted me she was going out of town for the weekend. Code for "I'm staying with my new BF all weekend". Ouch, I felt so stupid and continued NC for the whole next week.

 

This past Saturday I was feeling very vulnerable and was tempted break NC once again and text her "I miss you". I fought the urge. But after awhile I thought **** it I need to get this out I can't take it anymore. I know she won't respond but who cares. So I texted her "I miss you".

 

I was shocked when she texted back she missed me too. WTF??? So we started texting back and forth all night telling her I missed her and she said she missed me too etc. That night I was going out and made sure to tell her I was going to a club and partying which I did. At the club I was texting her that the place was amazing and having a blast etc. Then I threw caution to the wind I took a picture of my with three blonds partying and texted it to her. She responded back "I hate seeing them with you" She was jealous!!! Wow, the woman who care less about wanting to be with me for the past 8 weeks and who had moved on was jealous. We started texting each other that we wished we were at the club together etc. Wishing we were kissing each other. I finally saw a thawing of the ice.

 

The next day we continued to text and discussed the night before, she was defiantly jealous and missed me. So I asked If I could call her tomorrow as I would be driving to an appointment. she agreed. I was definitely surprised.

 

I called her the next day as I was driving. It was great to hear her voice again we also discussed my night out etc. Then I asked her to lunch since I was near where she lived. I did not expect her to accept,as I was assuming she was keeping her distance. Well, she agreed to go!!!! I was nervous but met her at the restaurant. It was weird to see her again part sad part elated. She looked amazing I was forgetting how beautiful she was. We ordered food and started talking small talk about her kids etc. I noticed we were holding hands the whole time. It was just natural I guess. I don't think we realized we were doing it. Talking small talk actually made me feel a little depressed as I was used to us always talking love talk not small talk. It was surreal as enough time went by that there was some distance. Its like I knew her but I didn't anymore.

 

Then all of the sudden the conversation turned, I started to discuss the money I gave her for kids for Xmas presents and then we started to discuss our relationship. Wow!! It was like an avalanche of emotions. She started to declare how much she loved me and how much she missed me and we discussed why she BU with me and what she was feeling at the time. I told her how I felt and she said she no idea that was what I was feeling. It seems we had tortured each other over bad communication when we BU. By that point we were both crying hysterically in the restaurant. I haven't cried since I thought I lost my father to a heart attack. We just let loose with all of this emotion and affection it was amazing but also a little embarrassing LOL. I thought she was gone for good and here she was telling me how much she loved me.

 

We left the restaurant, sat in my car and proceeded to talk, cry, hug, kiss and **** for 3 hours. We revealed all of our feelings that each of didn't know.

 

She finally admitted the fact that yes she was seeing someone. I told her i already knew I could tell. I assumed by now that she would be in love with him as she was staying with him every weekend. I was shocked again when she revealed that yes she was seeing someone but she did not love him. He fell for her but she just didn't feel it. And that even though she was with him she was still very much in love with me. It was a classic rebound. Classic to the tee.

 

I was stunned. Totally stunned. I figured she was long gone. She wanted us to get back together but slowly, and she would keep seeing him for now until we see where this goes. I was fine with that as I have a woman I can see as well. But I asked her point blank. If the time comes, can you let him go for me? She swore, absolutely!!!! That she really wasn't all into the relationship and she kept comparing him to me. She said our sex life was waaay better. Another big plus. I wasn't sure how to process the BF revelation, but the fact that were working our way back made me feel OK with it. Plus I get she is scared as this was all a shock to her. She was resigned to be with out me the day before. Once we talked it out the whole atmosphere changed. We were both excited to have each other back in our lives we discussed the possibilities.

 

So this story has a happy ending so far...........

 

We'll see if she will stay committed to getting our relationship working again. I am still not sure she will. I hope she does. She has a history of changing her mind and flipping the switch on me. And that is always a fear of mine. But based on what we both felt yesterday I'm thinking we will make it as a couple again. The love was still there all the time. The only thing that concerns me is her texts have been rather mundane since yesterday. When we were together before the BU the texts were much more affectionate and sexy. Not sure if she is trying to maintain a bit of distance or has just been out of our pre BU texting mode.

 

I'm also curious to see if she will make more plans to see me this week. She made no mention of it. Even though I'm hopeful, I'm not confident. But I am much happier than I was 8 weeks ago. So, this maybe one of those unique get back together success stories. Only time will tell.

[MyAngel]

Wow what a surprise! I am happy for you and I really hope it works out this time!

[Coping Vortex]

Wow what a surprise! I am happy for you and I really hope it works out this time!

 

Me too. It was extremely emotional. It was so good to hold her once again. We have long way to go but I know for a fact the love is still there. It even survived her seeing someone else.

[hudson701]

Wow...what a story! Really jealous but happy for you.

[Coping Vortex]

Wow...what a story! Really jealous but happy for you.

 

Thank you. But I want to see where we are in a week or two. I'm hopeful.

[cavalier99]

I don't mean to rain on the parade but this is a total train wreck waiting to happen. I really hope it works out for you.

 

Seems to me like you just gave her closure she wanted and she is still with this guy and you are heading for another heart break. Im just calling it like i see it. Hope I'm wrong.

 

Cav

[Coping Vortex]

I don't mean to rain on the parade but this is a total train wreck waiting to happen. I really hope it works out for you.

 

Seems to me like you just gave her closure she wanted and she is still with this guy and you are heading for another heart break. Im just calling it like i see it. Hope I'm wrong.

 

Cav

 

I hear you. I hope you are too. Could be, but we talked about it endlessly about what she wanted. She swore to me up and down she did not love him and that the relationship is only "bare bones" they don't see each other that much and she does not feel she loves him at all. She said she only got with him to force herself to get over me. And to have someone to date and go out. Classic rebound. That being said I am wary that this does not guarantee we are fully "back". But she was pretty clear what she wanted. Like I said we'll see. I am keeping my eyes wide open for now. She has had months to assess her feelings. If it was a few weeks I would have felt less confidant. But I know nothing is written in stone. I will have a better feel by the end of this week when we get a chance to talk more.

[cavalier99]

I didn't mean to sounds harsh but you need to be REALLY REALLY careful. Your opened yourself up again and i know this is what you want but it might not happen. She either drops this other guy like.. now.. and comes back or she doesn't.

 

Otherwise she is just stringing you along. Maaan this is a tough one. I feel for you bud you opened Pandora's box....be strong is all i can say ..and we are here for you whatever happens.

 

If it doesn't work out will you stick with NC next time?

[Stoic44]

What was the reason for the breakup, initially and how long had you two been going out?

[Coping Vortex]

What was the reason for the breakup, initially and how long had you two been going out?

 

We dated off and on for years. She went through a separation and tried to reconcile for her kids. (her husband was the coldest person I ever met she should have divorced him years before. Very verbally abusive) but she tried for the kids. She eventually gave up trying to make it work with him and we got back together.

 

We had some long standing issues. She wanted me to move in right away, she had just got her final divorce done, she has three kids, a new place to live etc. It was a lot to process and I told her I needed her to get settled and I needed to figure out fiances etc. She also had a stalking ex husband (he was following us). She felt I should have came running to her as soon as her divorce was final. I wanted her to get her life stabilized a little more. She took offence and left. But when we talked it out this time she understood. I wanted to make sure she was ready for another relationship after a messy divorce.

[Coping Vortex]

I didn't mean to sounds harsh but you need to be REALLY REALLY careful. Your opened yourself up again and i know this is what you want but it might not happen. She either drops this other guy like.. now.. and comes back or she doesn't.

 

Otherwise she is just stringing you along. Maaan this is a tough one. I feel for you bud you opened Pandora's box....be strong is all i can say ..and we are here for you whatever happens.

 

If it doesn't work out will you stick with NC next time?

 

Yes I will. Trust me my eyes are wide open.

[Missing Him]

So you two aren't actually back together yet? Just in talks of getting back together?

 

Good luck! This sounds like a really dangerous situation though, like she could decide all of the sudden that she doesn't want you back? I hope that that isn't the case and that this works out for you, though.

[na49]

Gotta feel for the guy who is getting played in all of this. I wish you the best though. Just remember, if she was capable of having you out of her life like that. She's capable of doing it again. She sounds very confused in what she wants.

[Stoic44]

We dated off and on for years. She went through a separation and tried to reconcile for her kids. (her husband was the coldest person I ever met she should have divorced him years before. Very verbally abusive) but she tried for the kids. She eventually gave up trying to make it work with him and we got back together.

 

We had some long standing issues. She wanted me to move in right away, she had just got her final divorce done, she has three kids, a new place to live etc. It was a lot to process and I told her I needed her to get settled and I needed to figure out fiances etc. She also had a stalking ex husband (he was following us). She felt I should have came running to her as soon as her divorce was final. I wanted her to get her life stabilized a little more. She took offence and left. But when we talked it out this time she understood. I wanted to make sure she was ready for another relationship after a messy divorce.

 

Sounds messy, with some of it circumstantial, which can be fixed, but other things owing to personality issues which may not be able to be fixed.

 

I do think you love each other, but the chief minefields I see are:

 

(1) Codependency. Sounds like she wanted to move fast. Now she is taking it slow with you, but is still with the other guy. Can this girl ever proceed without someone in her life, stand on her own two feet? Or is she looking for a guy to solve all her problems, a white knight to her recurrent damsel-in-distress syndrome? What does she give to the relationship? Does she come over and make you dinner? Care for you when you're sick? Inspire you when you're down? Or are you just a source of physical intimacy and financial stability? Who's the giver in the relationship?

 

(2) Trust. Related to (1). She seemed to have moved on pretty fast when you did not come running to her divorced whistle. How is this going to work out in the future? What happens if you lose your job and the finances go under? Or if you have to be away from her for a month or two for something job-related or work related? Is she going to stand by you or bolt for greener pastures when the going gets tough?

Edited January 15, 2013 by Stoic44

[Stoic44]

Gotta feel for the guy who is getting played in all of this. I wish you the best though. Just remember, if she was capable of having you out of her life like that. She's capable of doing it again. She sounds very confused in what she wants.

 

Yep. I've been that guy. Just a lousy thing to do to someone, especially if he's really into her as described.

[thefooloftheyear]

Seems like everyone is raising the caution flag on this one..I dont know how I would react or how to judge this....

 

That said, under which conditions would it be "all good" on a second chance with a relationship? How might things have been different in this case to make it more probable that the outcome will be a happy one?

 

Just speculating here, but because the OP indicated they were intimate in their make up encounter, is it at all possible that she was doing it solely for the sex?? I certainly hope thats not the case...

 

Educate me here...

 

TFOY

[cavalier99]

Did you read this thread Coping?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366944-hurt-n-cert-n

 

Proceed with EXTREME caution.

[TopCat22]

Not to sound negative, but I think you need to be really careful. If she really wanted you back then why does she still want to see the other guy? And are you really OK with that? You two are going to try and work things our will she's sleeping with him on the side? I hate to say it but I think you are being played. She can't decide between the two of you so is keeping you both on the hook.

 

I really hope you work it out, but judging by her actions, I think you need to look after yourself here.

[Stoic44]

I don't think he's being played but the rebounds are. They've already conspired to jettison the rebounds once the directive to pull the trigger is issued.

 

As for what would make this a better story:

 

The OP correctly intuited that she was moving too fast after the divorce. Because he wasn't moving fast enough, she went off and quickly found a rebound. That hardly allays any fears that she knows how to take it slow. I would feel more positive about the reconciliation if, after the initial break, she didn't see anyone else and spent time working on herself and came back as a person who does not always need a guy in her life to fill some kind of void. She seems co-dependent and needy.

 

The ideal reconciliation story is all circumstantial: The personalities are compatible. Both give to the relationship. But for instance, someone moves away and comes back. There's a medical or financial issue that is overcome. Or someone wasn't ready to commit, there was a communication misunderstanding, but a small break and introspection and a good talk paved the way forward.

 

And, in the interim, they don't become heavily involved with somebody else. (I could forgive a one-night fling on a break, just fulfilling a physical need, but when you're consistently having sex and talking with someone else, you're forming an attachment. That cheapens the attachment you had for your former partner, and it causes trust issues, because how can you trust someone who will run into the arms of another at the first whiff of trouble, or use someone as a pawn?

 

And if the partner uses someone, are they capable of using you?

 

Overall, the key question is this: They broke it off with you once--why wouldn't they do so again? Circumstances can change...behavior is a bit harder, it can be modified/tempered...but personalities really don't change short of some kind of trauma. I'm not sure in this case--I question if this girl has a damsel-in-distress character flaw.

 

Though, I do wish you luck in the reconciliation, and hope all is for the best.

Edited January 15, 2013 by Stoic44

[LostOne1]

To summarize.. we are ROOTING for you, but we also don't want to see you get HURT again.

[Stoic44]

Yes, I am as well and just giving things to think about. A rushed reconciliation could head for disaster. If they love you, they wait and work through issues together.

[Simon Phoenix]

Seems like everyone is raising the caution flag on this one..I dont know how I would react or how to judge this....

 

That said, under which conditions would it be "all good" on a second chance with a relationship? How might things have been different in this case to make it more probable that the outcome will be a happy one?

 

Just speculating here, but because the OP indicated they were intimate in their make up encounter, is it at all possible that she was doing it solely for the sex?? I certainly hope thats not the case...

 

Educate me here...

 

TFOY

 

Her not dating someone currently would make me feel a little more optimistic for the OP.

[KatZee]

I don't mean to rain on the parade but this is a total train wreck waiting to happen. I really hope it works out for you.

 

Seems to me like you just gave her closure she wanted and she is still with this guy and you are heading for another heart break. Im just calling it like i see it. Hope I'm wrong.

 

Cav

 

Gotta agree with this. Sorry. But if she's so in love with you still and misses you, WHY is she still seeing this other guy? She should be ending it. Now. If she truly didn't love him and didn't feel it and wanted it to work with you, there would be no problem doing this.

 

Your ex sounds like my current ex & HIS old ex... (phew). Basically she dumped him a couple times and after each time she dumped him (and was single looking for something else) she would come back to him because she didn't feel the connection with anyone else the way she did him. Unfortunately her reasons for leaving would creep back around and she dumped him again. And the same thing happened. She still didn't find anything else, and came back.

 

There was no happy ending. Just a mess of an on/off relationship. She's most likely looking back with rose glasses. Unhappy because this new guy doesn't measure up. That doesn't mean if she does get back with you, and once the honeymoon wears off again that she won't go running again once she realizes why she left the first time around.

 

I think the fact she's staying with the current guy is a huge red flag.

[NoMoreJerks]

Gotta agree with this. Sorry. But if she's so in love with you still and misses you, WHY is she still seeing this other guy? She should be ending it. Now. If she truly didn't love him and didn't feel it and wanted it to work with you, there would be no problem doing this.

 

Your ex sounds like my current ex & HIS old ex... (phew). Basically she dumped him a couple times and after each time she dumped him (and was single looking for something else) she would come back to him because she didn't feel the connection with anyone else the way she did him. Unfortunately her reasons for leaving would creep back around and she dumped him again. And the same thing happened. She still didn't find anything else, and came back.

 

There was no happy ending. Just a mess of an on/off relationship. She's most likely looking back with rose glasses. Unhappy because this new guy doesn't measure up. That doesn't mean if she does get back with you, and once the honeymoon wears off again that she won't go running again once she realizes why she left the first time around.

 

I think the fact she's staying with the current guy is a huge red flag.

I think this is what we call the "yo-yo" people...

[Coping Vortex]

Hey guys I appreciate all the feed back and I want you all to know that my original post sounded a bit optimistic I think I was still head over heels with waves of endorphins at the time I wrote it. In reality I feel like many of you and I'm not convinced we will get back to that place where we once were.

 

Here is a list of the negatives I have identified items that could derail this reconciliation:

 

1. She has flipped the switch on me more than a few times and ended the relationship. She could wake up and decide that she just got caught up in it and she is thinking more clearly now.

2. She decides that even though she loves me, going back with me will feel like going backwards in her life.

3. She doesn't think I will really be with her and move in.

4. Its easier to stay with the new guy maybe love will grow eventually. Why go backwards to me.

5. She felt caught up in the emotion of yesterdays encounter and that maybe it was just a flushing of built up emotions and now that they are released that maybe she wants to move forward. Not go back.

6. Maybe she has a talk with the new guy and she feels guilty about what she is doing to him and wants to give him a chance.

7. Maybe being with me is just too emotional for her to deal with and its easier to stay with the new guy and and even though she doesn't love him it makes easier to just have fun without drama of love.

 

We texted a few times today and nothing regarding our encounter yesterday. It was weird she didn't address anything. It was just some idle chit chat. She had gone to Baltimore with some friends and she texted me here and there but again nothing affectionate, nothing substantial. I expected at least a "hey it was great seeing you yesterday and I look forward to our relationship moving forward" Something like that or at least "I miss you" "I love you" (like she said a million times yesterday.) I was shocked there was no mention of it all. That is a red flag for me right there.It definitely wasn't like it was before. Our texts were much more intense and meaningful.

 

I do feel with her track record she could up and tell me "it was great seeing you but I don't want to continue the relationship". (She did tell me that 6 weeks ago when I met her to talk after two weeks post BU, but of course it was too early for us to reconcile at that point. Plus I think her current relationship developed into a rebound since then) she has not said so but she could be stalling because she feels embarrassed. Just putting that all out there because yes she has done that in the past. I tried by my best to head that off with the conversation we had yesterday. One major difference then the last time is, we talked about how we felt about what caused us to break up and we both had a new understanding of what we felt and why.

 

The reasons were both different than we thought.

 

We need to have a follow up talk:

1. Where do we go from here?

2. When do I see you again?

3. What is the frequency?

4. If I am in the top spot will you cut down the time you are seeing the other guy?

 

The lack of real communication last night and today concerns me. I still think the conversation should have been acknowledged and discussed. Red flag???

 

She has not texted me since her dinner in Baltimore.Nothing to say good night etc. Again 9 weeks ago she would have definitely sent me something. Hmmmm.....does not bode well. I guess we'll see. I will prepare for some excuse to end it. It would have been nice to get through the week.

Edited January 16, 2013 by Coping Vortex