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A breakup diary of sorts


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So for those of you who don't know my story feel free to read my first post on this site. A quick backstory if you don't want to is that I met my ex fiance over 10 years ago, we broke up 2 years later ( long distance) and for 5 years remained in low contact while dating others. We reconciled and I relocated, lived with him for an additional 3 years, we were engaged for 18 months, and then he fell out of love, yadah yadah yadah.

 

I don't want to keep making countless threads unless there is something specific I want to address so I figured I'd take note of what others do and just post to the same one when I just need some advice or company.

 

It's been 2 1/2 months since the official break up, and 3 since we started going back and forth on it. We remained low contact for the first month and a half, with very little bread crumbs. I have been in basic NC with the occasional slip up of checking his fb (we are not friends) and having to text him about an internet bill in my name that he didn't pay.

 

This has been tough for me. Like most on this forum I have gone through a billion emotions at once. I find myself praying often, more like begging a higher power to give me strength, because I have been breaking down terribly as many other aspects of my life have fallen apart since the break up as well.

 

He lives in Texas, and I am now back home in New Jersey. Because I don't have a place to live here and can't afford one, he has a great deal of my things, and my dog (which was mine before we reconciled). I feel that my healing is a little off because I know I will eventually have to deal with him again. When we first broke up it was exciting to think that months down the line I'd have an excuse to see him, living off false hope... now its terrifying. I want to cut that pain completely off.

 

I believe I am healing, not as much as I'd like. I cry less, can watch more tv shows... music is pretty much ruined for me. I feel sick most of the time but I sleep better than I did, and in the morning it takes a little less effort to not have a heart attack when I wake up and realize that I am one day further away from the last time I saw/spoke to him, from the last time he loved me.

 

This week has been rough, the holidays took it out on me. I am exhausted and in desperate need of relief, though it seems like this wont be happening. I don't know how I'll bring in the new year... I imagine going to sleep before hand would be the smartest thing to do rather than pining over who he may be kissing at midnight or what the hell I'm going to do now with my life.

 

I got hit with a big blow today. The company I work for is opening a new store in Houston Texas (where my ex and I lived for 2 years before moving to San Antonio), and my boss wants me to go to help train the new owners and employees. I told him I couldn't. I can't imagine how painful it would be to have to go to that place this soon after the break up and be fully reminded of all of those memories... I could feel myself breaking down already... but my boss insisted I go, saying that I need to take inititive and opportunity when it's given... so I agreed. I have to leave on January 2nd and I will bring in the first few days of my new year in the last place on earth I should be when I'm still healing. I don't know what to do... how to handle it... I know it's going to make me go backwards. Any advice?

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I am so sorry that you're going through all of that :( I can relate to the "who is he going to kiss at midnight?" feeling as well. It's hard and I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this.

 

As far as going to Houston, you won't have to see your ex while you're there, right? If you have to go, then there isn't much you can do except try to stay focused on why you're there and avoid any of the places that might trigger memories?

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Sorry you are going through it too "missing him"... He wont be there, he will be 4 hours away in San Antonio, still its the closest I've been to him, and to our life together since the break up. I know there is nothing I can really do.. I guess that's why it sucks... the whole state reminds me of him.

 

As for new years, its good to know I'm not the only one worried as all hell about coping with it. I was a lot more afraid of it a week or two ago than I am today (maybe because my mind is on going there right after) but I worry that once I see everyone going out and getting dressed up that my mind will go all over the place with what he is up to, who is with, whether he is happy, and so forth... I just want it to end already... like I've said a billion times before, no matter how much I love him... NO ONE is worth this kind of pain.

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I am so glad you are on your way with healing. But I do get what you mean about music being ruined ;) there are songs I just cannot listen to or I cry and I do not want to cry anymore.

 

Try not to worry too much about the relocation for the job. It is 4 hours away from him and that is a long drive. If he doesn't know you are there then it can't bother you and he won't know to find you.

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Yea music is shot for me...i dont even bother with it anymore. I know he will be far away i guess im just reading into it too much since where im going is where we lived for 2 years, and this will be my first time going there ever for reasons beyond him.

 

Im realizing i didnt stand a chance to live up to his idea of me. We were so madly in love that one can only imagine when things became comfortable or hectic he would percieve it as an issue in the relationship. Too little experience with long term expectations. The guy was crazy about me, has my initials tattooed. His company is named after me, all his passwords used to be my middle and last name. When he proposed he cried like a maniac (he's a tough guy... 6'5" tattooed the whole nine). Its obvious he is in love with beimg in love and it will take another long relatiomship to help him mature enough to see that in time it takes work and the honey moon phase ends. Im his longest relationship...both times. Hes pretty much done the same to every girl, rushed into the honeymoon phase and then when things got difficult found someone new. I thought he had matured, it was horrifying to see him go back to that nonsense.

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He rushes things. Hes been talking to me about a marriage and kids since we were 14. He loves the idea and the real thing just isnt enough i guess. I was smart holding off after he proposed but now i feel like he will rush into marriage with the next one that comes along because he will be comparing new exciting feelings to the ones he had years into our relationship. Ugh i kno its stupid to think about but i cant help it.

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NYE is just plain out depressing. I feel for everyone on the boards today that has been dealing with the loss of someone they loved like I am through this holiday season or that has had to deal with it before. I'm not sure what my plans are for tonight, friends are reaching out for mediocre parties and so forth, but I have a feeling I'll probably just pop a sleeping pill and go to bed far before that good ol' ball drops... I don't need to be tormented by thinking about the fun he's having by choice, who he is with and everything. Maybe it will signify good things if I bring in the New Year resting and asleep. NC is still hard, I find myself wanting to text him every day... sometimes I think I've thought of the absolute best thing to say to convince him I'm worthy of his love (though I don't go through with it because I have common sense and know that nothing will change his mind that I can be fully aware of) and sometimes I just want to say anything to him, even if its a comment on football, or letting him know that our favorite surf spot to sit and listen to music here in town was ruined from Hurricane Sandy.

 

I really hope it gets better. I'm getting more numb but it brings about the pain of knowing that I'm becoming numb to something I absolutely did not want to. I've been struggling with sleep a lot this past week, my mind races to the point that my heart races. I am hopeful that all of this pain will bring about a much stronger woman... but I am fearful that all this pain will bring about a bitter un-trusting hollowed out shell of a person instead. Good luck to everyone, I hope that the new year will motivate all of us to look inward, focus on ourselves, create strength and dignity we never knew existed and look back on these people that hurt us and feel nothing but gratitude for the mental and physical push they gave us to finally plan our lives according to us, rather than with them.

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Well I didn't hear from him for New Years... I didn't expect to this time like I expected it on Xmas though. Still it agitates me since we remained on good terms this whole time, it seems pretty inconsiderate after all we've been through... but again its probably for the best. I will be waking up at 2am to drive to the airport to catch my flight to Houston. I'm really nervous about my emotions when I am back in that place again... hopefully I can focus on work and not get too nostalgic, but right now I'm a mess so it's not looking good for me. I'm nervous about what will happen in the new year... this past one was the worst. I know that a lot of it is up to me to change and fix, but there is a lot that will be out of my control as well which I hate. Hopefully I can update while in TX, god knows I'll need to.

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Best of luck, hon! :love: Stay strong and remember what you're there for. It's going to be impossible not to think of him while you're there but do your best to focus on other things (I know, I know... it feels impossible.)

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Thanks missing him. Youre right it will be impossible not to think.of him. The process itself is making me nostalgic, being at the airport...all of it reminds me of times when we loved each other, when we were coming to see one another. Im really exhausted, i wish i could rush the healing process so that i could function better in situations like these.

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Thanks missing him. Youre right it will be impossible not to think.of him. The process itself is making me nostalgic, being at the airport...all of it reminds me of times when we loved each other, when we were coming to see one another. Im really exhausted, i wish i could rush the healing process so that i could function better in situations like these.

 

Hi ,

 

I really understand the emotions and upset your going through , Im going through it myself . I find it hard going to places that I knew we had been and had some great times , holidays , meals , walks with the dogs , I'm struggling to even be in FB , I have even copied you some nights and prayed to god and asked for some amazing answer to why me ? . My friends tell me that things all happen for a reason , that the true one is out there being pushed closer abd closer everyday , I found it easier by looking at my past relationship like having a car , I had the best mileage out of it and it's now time for an upgrade , believe me your not in your own , and there are some amazing , supportive people on here that will help you through this :) x

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Thanks Ginger, I'm so sorry you are going through this as well, I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I know that in time, I will hollow out to it all, and even if I hold him on a pedastal, eventually it'll be a cloudy and vague version of him that wont sting... at least I hope.

 

I'm worried this whole thing will make me very bitter. When I imagine someone proposing to me, I literally feel sick. I hope this doesn't hinder my ability to enjoy a future relationship. I know after dating him the first time I was much more reserved and practical in my relationships, even my 3 year one in between I rarely acted childlike or playful... yet when he came back its like he brought that childlike innocence with him... I felt alive and giddy again... I was happy to be gushy and mushy... something I don't seem to share with anyone else..

 

As for an update. The past few days back from tx have been worse than when I was there which shocked me. Maybe because I have more time to sit and think, who knows? I've been having horrible dreams about him too, which puts a damper on my day. I've been dreaming of him this whole time, but the past weeks have really messed with me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. In the next few days it'll be exactly three months since our official break up, and 4 since we started really falling apart.

 

I can't lie and say that I am not getting better... I don't know if I am or I'm not, but if anything I'm learning how to keep my emotions in check in order to be able to get what I absolutely need to do done, though still inside I feel like I'm dying. I signed up for a gym membership, took up knitting, started going to the gun range, I've been hanging out with friends once or twice a week, coming to this forum. I've been eating healthier, cutting back on cigarettes, and taking care of appointments and other obligations I need to. I've joined plentyoffish not to actually meet potentional rebounds, but just because it was suggested to remind me that I am desired by others (ive found that its hindering me wondering why 750 people want to meet me and yet my ex fiance doesnt even want to ask how I am doing). Any advice I've gotten I've tried to do and to continue to do despite getting no real emotional satisfaction from it. I've taken on more hours at work, I've been reading books more often, learning sign language, journaling, praying, doing positive affirmations, yoga and meditation techniques. I keep my house as clean as can be, I try to keep myself presentable... I'm not sure what else to do except keep riding this miserable wave.

 

 

I miss him. I miss the story I almost could have told of "us" that no longer really exists as a fairytale but more like a tradegy. I wont marry my first, he wont be my last... I found an old letter of his the other day when he was 14, almost 11 years ago, where he said that he couldnt wait to spend the rest of his life with me, that I was perfect for him.... and so forth and so on, the same things he said 9 years later when he proposed to me. Yea, its a miserable day.

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NC has been difficult for me... I would say its not difficult not to contact him, because I wouldnt know what to say anyway, but it hurts my heart that its gotten to that point. To try and sidetrack myself I allowed myself to message back one of the guys on a dating website I signed up for that lives out of state. He was attractive but didnt keep conversation going like what I'm used to with the ex. However it was a nice change for a little. Then he seemed to take less and less time to actually get back to me or get to know me, he asked me for my number and we went from texting all day on Monday to literally nothing today. The thought of losing him doesn't bother me, I don't know him... I think it just conjures up that feeling of rejection and abandonment yet again where I can't even entertain someone who messaged me for christ sake. It makes me miss my ex as he used to be so thrilled to hear anything from me. I feel like I have to jump through hoops for this guy, and I find myself feeling like a jerk because I kind of am on principle alone that the few days we were consistently talking helped me take my mind off my ex a little bit... I still dreamt of him, and felt it... but it was more dulled. I know rebounding is not a good idea, I just need relief... now I'm stressing out more it seems.

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Thanks Ginger, I'm so sorry you are going through this as well, I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I know that in time, I will hollow out to it all, and even if I hold him on a pedastal, eventually it'll be a cloudy and vague version of him that wont sting... at least I hope.

 

I'm worried this whole thing will make me very bitter. When I imagine someone proposing to me, I literally feel sick. I hope this doesn't hinder my ability to enjoy a future relationship. I know after dating him the first time I was much more reserved and practical in my relationships, even my 3 year one in between I rarely acted childlike or playful... yet when he came back its like he brought that childlike innocence with him... I felt alive and giddy again... I was happy to be gushy and mushy... something I don't seem to share with anyone else..

 

As for an update. The past few days back from tx have been worse than when I was there which shocked me. Maybe because I have more time to sit and think, who knows? I've been having horrible dreams about him too, which puts a damper on my day. I've been dreaming of him this whole time, but the past weeks have really messed with me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. In the next few days it'll be exactly three months since our official break up, and 4 since we started really falling apart.

 

I can't lie and say that I am not getting better... I don't know if I am or I'm not, but if anything I'm learning how to keep my emotions in check in order to be able to get what I absolutely need to do done, though still inside I feel like I'm dying. I signed up for a gym membership, took up knitting, started going to the gun range, I've been hanging out with friends once or twice a week, coming to this forum. I've been eating healthier, cutting back on cigarettes, and taking care of appointments and other obligations I need to. I've joined plentyoffish not to actually meet potentional rebounds, but just because it was suggested to remind me that I am desired by others (ive found that its hindering me wondering why 750 people want to meet me and yet my ex fiance doesnt even want to ask how I am doing). Any advice I've gotten I've tried to do and to continue to do despite getting no real emotional satisfaction from it. I've taken on more hours at work, I've been reading books more often, learning sign language, journaling, praying, doing positive affirmations, yoga and meditation techniques. I keep my house as clean as can be, I try to keep myself presentable... I'm not sure what else to do except keep riding this miserable wave.

 

 

I miss him. I miss the story I almost could have told of "us" that no longer really exists as a fairytale but more like a tradegy. I wont marry my first, he wont be my last... I found an old letter of his the other day when he was 14, almost 11 years ago, where he said that he couldnt wait to spend the rest of his life with me, that I was perfect for him.... and so forth and so on, the same things he said 9 years later when he proposed to me. Yea, its a miserable day.

 

Be careful on pof it's good to get your confidence back but there are some real *******s on there :) ,

 

It's very strange I feel the same about new relationships as you just can't seem to find the spirit to try again or even think it's possible to find the happiness ?, my ex was very child like when around me , kidding around , messing around , and yet when it came to splitting up she became a monster !!

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ginger, I know it really is absurd... I have no energy for another relationship... After spending years and years with someone only to see such a disgusting side of them I never even thought possible, I just can't fathom how I'm going to heal enough to not punish the next person I'm with assuming eventually they too will show some pretty ugly colors.

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Today is his birthday. I told myself that for my best interest i wouldnt say anything. I know that whether he responds or not itll upset me and i know it will leave me wondering whether he will say anything on my birthday a month from now. It hurts me because he was my best friend and in my heart i know he isnt undeserving of a simple birthday text...if only he knew that it genuinely has nothing to do with him and more to do with my healing and coping.

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So I successfully avoided texting him on his birthday or in general. No contact works in some respects I'm slowly starting to learn, and in others I find it hinders me. I have been doing a lot better as time goes by, but I still feel a constant pain in my bones. Its like I think about him so often that I don't, he is just there, and I've somehow adapted to it where I can put thoughts on top of it that pertain to my everyday life, but by the end of the day my brain still feels exhausted, almost like I had been thinking about it all day without realizing it.

 

It's hard to imagine my life without him, but as the days go by its becoming difficult to imagine my life with him without it feeling completely falsified.

 

I'm trying to find a purpose, or the silver lining in all of this. Feeling kind of low tonight :/

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This week has been a hard one for me. I only really post when I'm feeling pretty low so I don't want the new and fresh dumpees on the forum to assume that nothing changes nearly 4 months on for any lengthy relationship, this is not the case. Everyone heals differently but I'd say by 3-4 months nearly everyone has progressed in some way or another, after this time it's mainly a battle of mind over matter.

 

I do miss him. I hurt a great deal when I think of the good times, and even more so now when I think of my humiliation and rejection during the break up process, and how he treated me afterwards.

 

Like so many others in the forum I am slowly waking up to the fact that a great deal of this pain is harbored from fear. Fear that my life will never live up to the one I imagined with him. Fear that I will never meet anyone I could love that much, enjoy the company of on a consistent basis. I fear that no one will ever bring out the childlike innocence he brought out of me, and more importantly I fear that he took that innocence from me in general.

 

It's a frightening thing really. There are several major milestones or questions that we are taught at a very young age about what defines a persons life. In vague terms its, who will you marry? Where will you live? Graduation... purchasing the home you'll spend the majority of your life in, having children, and what you career will be. I think I took solace in the fact that I thought with every fiber of my being that some of those huge questions or milestones had been figured out with great joy. I found someone I would marry, have children with, and in return the other serious factors that come into determining your path become much less stressful to think about.

 

You don't have to go at it alone... that's the best part. No longer do you feel like every decision you make for your life could lead you leaps and bounds away from the ultimate goal of happiness and contentment, because in a very dependent way, you found that within the other person already, therefore anything else is just a plus, or something the two of you can fix together if it isn't what you'd hoped it would be.

 

I struggled this week seeing his social networking sites because I realized what I already knew, his life continues without me despite the fact that in my heart my life feels like it has been in a standstill since he left, no matter what I have done to try to find my own way.

 

The following day after posting on this thread about almost breaking no contact (which I did not, thank god) I found out that one of my other ex boyfriends, the one in which I left and hurt a great deal some years back, is moving to California with his girlfriend. I was deeply upset by this, not because I want to be with him, but I think because of my circumstances I began to wonder if I had already peaked in my life... if all that excitement of traveling the country to be with the one I loved, of finding my own had already occurred and gone up in flames. I was upset that it seemed like the second I was done running around and forced to return home and resume the life I haven't since I was a teenager, everyone else finally began living their lives.

 

When I was with my ex I was homesick often, friends and family and even my other ex begged me to come home... now they all have moved away and moved on with their lives. They all are getting married, going to great schools, starting amazing careers, and hitting those huge milestones I discussed earlier, most of which are in serious relationships and have support through it. I feel like I'm in purgatory. This may be why I struggle so much to get over him.

 

Of course most of my having a hard time with losing him has to do with the fact that I absolutely loved him, more so then I loved myself towards the end. I am just beginning to realize that other things are playing a significant role in hindering my healing, and that has to do with how I view my life now versus how I viewed my life with him previous or what it could have been. While being with him had its ups and downs, there was a joy, comfort and ease in having something in this utterly confusing life figured out, having a companion.

 

I have never met anyone I was as compatible with as I was with him. Whomever the next person is they have big shoes to fill. I don't want to settle, and don't intend on rebounding at all. I am not that kind of girl. Everyone keeps telling me to go out and have fun with other guys, but I am just too uncomfortable whenever I try to these days. I am bruised and battered, bitter and still unable to see anyone for who they are, but rather what they are not... they are not my ex-fiance, therefore they are not what I am looking for at the moment.

 

Before I went no contact we were civil. I'm still struggling with the fact that I haven't heard a peep out of him since going no contact, it was a rude awakening that maybe he was counting the days till I got a clue so that he didn't have to be bothered... far cry from his "You know me better than anyone, you are my family and best friend , I never want to cut you out of my life speech"... but I expected this to happen.

 

I'm rambling a bit. Perhaps it's loneliness... I'm not sure. I struggle with how mediocre and depressing my life has been. I keep trying to come up with exciting dreams and goals that can keep me going day to day imagining establishing my own life, but they get me overwhelmed too in feeling like I can't obtain them without him, or feeling like if I did obtain them without him after all of the hard work and struggle that I would still be unhappy or unfulfilled, which is mortifying.

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I haven't spoken or heard from him in a while. I've lost count of the days but it's def been over a month now. At this point I can't tell if this whole thing is killing me or making me stronger, which is upsetting

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Today is my birthday. I don't expect him to say anything because I said nothing on his birthday, and because he doesn't seem to care whether I'm dead or alive, but a part of me is still angry that he wont say anything knowing damn well its my birthday. I know its hypocritical but he hurt me, I had a reason to not go out of my way to contact him... its upsetting that his only reason for not having the balls enough to say happy birthday to me after 10 years of knowing one another and a pretty civil break up is that he is a coward and selfish as can be. It takes two seconds to write out the text, and he wont bring himself to do it. I can't believe I love someone like this. It was even more upsetting when I got a happy birthday from my other ex that I had a falling out with, broke his heart, and was so undeserving of the text, yet I can't get it from someone I actually deserve it from. Disgusting I say.

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This week has been a hard one for me. I only really post when I'm feeling pretty low so I don't want the new and fresh dumpees on the forum to assume that nothing changes nearly 4 months on for any lengthy relationship, this is not the case. Everyone heals differently but I'd say by 3-4 months nearly everyone has progressed in some way or another, after this time it's mainly a battle of mind over matter.

 

I do miss him. I hurt a great deal when I think of the good times, and even more so now when I think of my humiliation and rejection during the break up process, and how he treated me afterwards.

 

Like so many others in the forum I am slowly waking up to the fact that a great deal of this pain is harbored from fear. Fear that my life will never live up to the one I imagined with him. Fear that I will never meet anyone I could love that much, enjoy the company of on a consistent basis. I fear that no one will ever bring out the childlike innocence he brought out of me, and more importantly I fear that he took that innocence from me in general.

 

It's a frightening thing really. There are several major milestones or questions that we are taught at a very young age about what defines a persons life. In vague terms its, who will you marry? Where will you live? Graduation... purchasing the home you'll spend the majority of your life in, having children, and what you career will be. I think I took solace in the fact that I thought with every fiber of my being that some of those huge questions or milestones had been figured out with great joy. I found someone I would marry, have children with, and in return the other serious factors that come into determining your path become much less stressful to think about.

 

You don't have to go at it alone... that's the best part. No longer do you feel like every decision you make for your life could lead you leaps and bounds away from the ultimate goal of happiness and contentment, because in a very dependent way, you found that within the other person already, therefore anything else is just a plus, or something the two of you can fix together if it isn't what you'd hoped it would be.

 

I struggled this week seeing his social networking sites because I realized what I already knew, his life continues without me despite the fact that in my heart my life feels like it has been in a standstill since he left, no matter what I have done to try to find my own way.

 

The following day after posting on this thread about almost breaking no contact (which I did not, thank god) I found out that one of my other ex boyfriends, the one in which I left and hurt a great deal some years back, is moving to California with his girlfriend. I was deeply upset by this, not because I want to be with him, but I think because of my circumstances I began to wonder if I had already peaked in my life... if all that excitement of traveling the country to be with the one I loved, of finding my own had already occurred and gone up in flames. I was upset that it seemed like the second I was done running around and forced to return home and resume the life I haven't since I was a teenager, everyone else finally began living their lives.

 

When I was with my ex I was homesick often, friends and family and even my other ex begged me to come home... now they all have moved away and moved on with their lives. They all are getting married, going to great schools, starting amazing careers, and hitting those huge milestones I discussed earlier, most of which are in serious relationships and have support through it. I feel like I'm in purgatory. This may be why I struggle so much to get over him.

 

Of course most of my having a hard time with losing him has to do with the fact that I absolutely loved him, more so then I loved myself towards the end. I am just beginning to realize that other things are playing a significant role in hindering my healing, and that has to do with how I view my life now versus how I viewed my life with him previous or what it could have been. While being with him had its ups and downs, there was a joy, comfort and ease in having something in this utterly confusing life figured out, having a companion.

 

I have never met anyone I was as compatible with as I was with him. Whomever the next person is they have big shoes to fill. I don't want to settle, and don't intend on rebounding at all. I am not that kind of girl. Everyone keeps telling me to go out and have fun with other guys, but I am just too uncomfortable whenever I try to these days. I am bruised and battered, bitter and still unable to see anyone for who they are, but rather what they are not... they are not my ex-fiance, therefore they are not what I am looking for at the moment.

 

Before I went no contact we were civil. I'm still struggling with the fact that I haven't heard a peep out of him since going no contact, it was a rude awakening that maybe he was counting the days till I got a clue so that he didn't have to be bothered... far cry from his "You know me better than anyone, you are my family and best friend , I never want to cut you out of my life speech"... but I expected this to happen.

 

I'm rambling a bit. Perhaps it's loneliness... I'm not sure. I struggle with how mediocre and depressing my life has been. I keep trying to come up with exciting dreams and goals that can keep me going day to day imagining establishing my own life, but they get me overwhelmed too in feeling like I can't obtain them without him, or feeling like if I did obtain them without him after all of the hard work and struggle that I would still be unhappy or unfulfilled, which is mortifying.

 

This is the exact way I feel right now. I went from having a partner that I shared this life with and now I'm alone. I have friends and family and coworkers...I have people on this site, but it's not the same thing as the person that I was spending my life with. I miss going home after work and snuggling with him and venting to him about all the junk going on and we would eventually have each other laughing so hard we would be almost puking. I'll never get this again. I'm a shell and my insides just hurt. Even though we didn't actually make it to the alter before he left, in my heart we were already married. He told me the same thing. When people keep telling me to cheer up and that I'll find someone better and will forget about this guy...it makes me mad. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to share my life with someone else. How can I find someone else when I have already given my heart away? I have nothing to give another person. How could I ever want to try to do this again? It's so sad. I know it will supposedly get better, but I can't image when. How does a person go from wanting to spend their life with you to thinking they don't think they should "date" you any longer? I will never have answers to all of my questions. I just hope they will quiet down one day.

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Thank you for the birthday wishes. He did eventually text me happy birthday from him and the dogs and that he hopes I was doing well. I probably shouldnt have said anything, but I caved trying to be polite and said "thank you, I'm doing good, hope you and the dogs are as well"... an hour later he replied saying "we are doing good thank you! How's mom and grandma?"... I hate that he didnt say "your" beforehand, talking like they were his family upset me. I said "they are ok, how is your family?" to which he chose not to respond. This is why no contact is crucial.. why the hell would he even bother asking me a question, I responded politely and with a conclusion not to be drawn out on, why would he feel the need to ask a question to continue a conversation just to not answer when I politely ask back?

 

I have work in the morning so I'm not going out tonight. I tried to brush it off as best as I could, I went and did some archery and soaked up the brisk 16 degree weather, and I went to the gym and grocery shopping... but I can't shake the depression today. It's my first birthday without a relationship since I was 13 with the exception of one year and I was seeing someone then. I feel like I've lost all the charisma in my life. I know it's not like a movie, but my relationships up until this point have kind of played out that way... I'm afraid of a stagnant and boring life like the one I'm leading now. I miss everything about being in love and being loved back.

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