Do ultimatums ever work?

[sedona]

Just issued one. Two weeks for him to decide if he wants to continue our 4+ year relationship. A simple yes or no decision, to replace the limbo we've been experiencing.

 

He says he loves me, but something is 'wrong' - and 'it' (something undefinable) has been wrong for almost two years.

 

We have talked. We have tried breaks. We have talked some more...but nothing changes.

 

I love this man, we have tried everything we could...this is the last resort option. Not a frivolous ultimatum - not about stupid little details. And one I will do my best to follow through on. And not a threat, just an acknowledgment of the fact that we both need change, one way or the other.

 

He understands this, and thinks it's a good idea. But I am in lots of pain! Maybe he is too; he hides it better.

 

So...any similar stories? Advice? Encouragement?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think it's counterproductive to view an ultimatum as working or not working.

 

The way it really "works" is that it puts YOU in a position to either have what you feel you need, or to move on. It really doesn't have anything to do with getting someone else to do what you'd like.

 

I honestly don't think that a person who commits to a relationship where they've been feeling something is "wrong" because an ultimatum has been issued will be making a good choice for themselves. If he chooses to stay with you, I imagine that you will always have doubts.

 

From what you wrote about your relationship, it seems to me that the only way it would ever really be right would be if you broke up, for real (not a "break," which I can't comprehend anyway) and both moved on with your lives as 100% single people. If someday he decides that your relationship was the best thing to ever have happened in his life and you still feel like you want to be with him, then you might make it work.

[veggirl]

An ultimatum is nothing other than telling the other person what you want and what you will accept--and obviously what you won't. Nothing wrong with that at all.

 

2 years of something "wrong" ??? Jeeeeez. It's time to move on gf....

[sedona]

I realized as I wrote it that asking whether an ultimatum will work is the wrong question. By 'work', of course, I meant a happy ending where he becomes a pro-active partner in our relationship. Where the thought of losing me forces him to actually do something for real.

 

And yes, I am in that painful position where I can't imagine not having him in my life, where I can't imagine moving on. I don't believe in the refinding-old-love scenario.

 

An ultimatum is a way of pushing this pain into the future, but knowing that there really is nothing more I could've done. He has to want to save this too.

 

And yes...two years!! (More than) ENOUGH! But still incredibly difficult.

[mammasita]

Ultimatums NEVER work. Action does.

 

Instead of giving him a "choice"....you need to take action. Tell him what will happen and follow through.

 

Ultimatium: You need to decide whether you want to be with me or I am leaving

 

Action: I am leaving/moving/breaking up because you don't know what you want and havent known what the problem with our relationship is for the past two years.

[LostOne1]

Ultimatums NEVER work. Action does.

 

Instead of giving him a "choice"....you need to take action. Tell him what will happen and follow through.

 

Ultimatium: You need to decide whether you want to be with me or I am leaving

 

Action: I am leaving/moving/breaking up because you don't know what you want and havent known what the problem with our relationship is for the past two years.

What happens when she leaves him and after he finds out he wants her back?

 

Or she leaves him and he goes NC thinking SHE needs to be the one to contact and reach for him back.?

 

Then nothing will happen, because she leaves him and assumes he will come back to her. He thinks she dumped him and she has to reach for him.

 

Neither will reach out and things go no where....

[Mme. Chaucer]

But she's been reaching out to him for over 4 years, and he thinks "something is wrong" for at least 2 of them.

[NoMoreJerks]

OP, in my view, you should just cut your losses and move on. Do not contact him and do not let him know that you have moved on. I don't think he deserves an explanation at this point, when he has given you none. I know you care, but you can't change his mind about how things "feel" for him, when he can't do it for himself.... really, I think that's just a poor excuse on his part not to commit.. At this point, I'd just start acting like you're no longer with him.... I am a very patient person, but I can't tolerate this sort of behaviour and stringing-along.

[Treasa]

Am I the only one thinking back to Wayne's World? "You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me."

 

This guy is unsure about you, is making little to NO effort, isn't sleeping with you, is prioritizing everything above you.. It's already over.

 

The best thing you can do at this point is have dignity and just walk away. No explanation or breakup required.

Edited December 28, 2012 by Treasa

[sedona]

Thank all of you for your responses. I can't talk to anyone about this because my friends all think the same as most of you and have long since given up on me. I think the same as you too, but just haven't been able to tear myself away from him -- or maybe the dream I once had before he told me there was a problem.

 

I should've just cut all ties then, but there's no way in the world I could've at that point. I had been so happy and trusted him completely. And I've been living off of that ever since. These past two years, he's given me just enough to make me keep hoping but not enough to make me happy.

 

I'm just so sad and I miss him and I'm lonely. And afraid that I will never find anyone ever.

 

Anyway, he texted me today saying my 2-week suggestion was a good idea, and that I'd get a more complete response later, but he was eating just then with his son & granddaughter. Nothing since. Not a lot of effort, no. From a man who says he loves me.

 

Aargh!! I am an idiot.

[Svet74]

They dont work,

 

I did it with my ex. we were so called friends. I wanted to get back together. I told him we either get back together and work on our relationship, or im moving on for good. that means blocking your number, switching churches and you will never see me again.

 

He choose to get back together

But He didnt work on the relationship and everything stayed the same.

I ended up breaking it off. And we never got back together after that

[mammasita]

What happens when she leaves him and after he finds out he wants her back?

 

Or she leaves him and he goes NC thinking SHE needs to be the one to contact and reach for him back.?

 

Then nothing will happen, because she leaves him and assumes he will come back to her. He thinks she dumped him and she has to reach for him.

 

Neither will reach out and things go no where....

 

meh, i think two years of her reaching out is more than enough. He's lost his chance.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP, I just looked at some of your posting history. Is this the same guy you were trying to be N/C with back in 2008? After 7 months of things being fine?

 

If this is the same guy, you really, really need to move on. It has been four whole years of problems. Please, I know it hurts a lot, but I believe you will feel better than you have been feeling with a boyfriend who's not really "all in" if you let the whole thing go. I don't know how you've stood it the past 4 years.

[sedona]

No, this is another man who I met soon after I broke i off with that first guy. Man #2 was absolutely amazing for two years. Loving, steady. I couldn't believe my luck.

And then things changed, literally overnight. He itold me late one nigh hat he had some probe, with us, but couldn't explain it. I've benn strugling with that ever since. He has been struggliing with my reaction, but hasn't done much to fix things.

[TaraMaiden]

Anyway, he texted me today saying my 2-week suggestion was a good idea, and that I'd get a more complete response later, but he was eating just then with his son & granddaughter. Nothing since. Not a lot of effort, no. From a man who says he loves me.

 

Aargh!! I am an idiot.

 

Oh brilliant. That's him regaining control of the situation.

No contact him again, and tell him you don't require a more complete response later.

What you DO require, is the two weeks, with no further contact, and to establish then, what the next step is.

Thank him for his reply, but tell him you are now on No Contact, and you'll expect to hear from him on <Whatever the date> with a firm decision.

 

On - or off.

 

That's all.

 

Brace yourself, go NC and wait.

 

Hope for the best, plan for the worst - and start being a bit more independent.

Anyway.

 

It never hurts.

[sedona]

I haven't replied to that last text message. Nothing to say. Then late last night, I deleted all messages in my phone's inbox and sent folder, and then deleted his number. I can still get the number back (both a blessing and a curse), but this means I can't just send him a frivolous message.

 

I am trying to find something to do on New Year's Eve because our plans no longer include me. I don't know if I want to be with people - assuming anyone will invite me - but I don't know whether that evening in front of the TV would be good for me either. This weekend I am alone, my only contact with people being at the gym.

 

I really miss him.

[Minadee]

Nope. Not in my experiences anyway. We were together for three years. I told him he had two weeks to decide, two weeks later we are still acting like any other couple in love, then two days later he drops a bomb that he wants to move on with his life. Find out about a week later that he is seeing someone else and he f*cked me when he introduced her to his parents. Unfortunatly I still have to stay in contact because i'm pregnant with his child. I think he was immature and my nagging was a way out. He phoned up drunk on the 1st asking for phone sex and sending me rude photos, and then he went on about how happy he was that I challenged him. It was utterly heartbreaking. So think carefully before giving him all the power because it leaves you very very vulnerable.

Edited December 29, 2012 by Minadee

[sedona]

Thanks everyone for your input. I'll update this in the future if anything changes.

[eleve82]

that is similar to what my ex did to me, and I broke up with him after almost 5 years of waiting around for him to grow up, decide if he wanted to make a commitment. While it still hurts, it's the best thing I have done to give myself a real chance at happiness with someone else.

 

Sometimes, distance is the best way to make someone reflect on his own actions. During this time, if this man shares the same principles and values as you do, he will eventually find his way back to you. If not, then it was for the better. Either way, leaving him will give you the best outcome you can ask for. Please do not fall into the trap of waiting around - men do not start reflecting if they can get away with status quo.

[D-Lish]

Ultimatums NEVER work. Action does.

 

Instead of giving him a "choice"....you need to take action. Tell him what will happen and follow through.

 

Ultimatium: You need to decide whether you want to be with me or I am leaving

 

Action: I am leaving/moving/breaking up because you don't know what you want and havent known what the problem with our relationship is for the past two years.

 

I agree with the above. An action is more powerful than an ultimatum, and it restores your own power. If you give an ultimatum, you find yourself waiting for an answer- but if you take action- you control the situation.

 

It's tough to leave someone you love- but if you're not getting what you need from the relationship- you're making a really good decision for YOU to leave it. That may not feel like power- but it is.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[sedona]

Thank you both. This is a good man. We share the same values and we enjoy being together. Now I just have to hope that bond is strong enough, that he realizes I'm too good to give up. I see that giving him time gives him power, because I just sit and wait. But this is my last resort. If his answer is no, then I leave. If it's yes, bt with no suggestions for real change, then I leave ( this one is much harder). Hope I am strong enough; I haven't been so far.

 

But he is soooooo good at NC! Drives me nuts that he can do this. Irrational of me, I know...

[sedona]

Turns out the BF is not so good at NC after all. He called me on NYE, leaving a message on voicemail (I had left my phone behind) wishing me a happy NYE in spite of everything and saying that we have to work things out. I answered this morning with an SMS, telling him that he had to decided what he needed + could actually manage & then talk to me on Jan 11, or before if he had something to say.

 

Then this evening I get a message telling me about his day, adding that something is missing when we don't meet, feels strange. No response from me.

 

He sounded miserable in the voicemail. Good.

 

Hope he misses me. I certainly miss him.

[mary0027]

Dear Sedona,

I've been reading your story and my heart goes to you... I can only imagine how painful the last couple of years must have been, as I can relate to you.

 

May I ask you, what happened in the end? Are you happy now?

[sedona]

Dear Sedona,

I've been reading your story and my heart goes to you... I can only imagine how painful the last couple of years must have been, as I can relate to you.

 

May I ask you, what happened in the end? Are you happy now?

 

Two and a half years later, and here's the end. It turns out he had been cheating on me all the time, since 2011. He led a double life. All the time I was writing this thread, he was with her, the OW. I now know that they spent that New Year's together, and them went off to Italy on vacation. My suggestion for two weeks off was perfect for him. He then came back to me to pick up our relationship. This continued until August 2014, when he was finally outed. He is a manipulative monster. I trusted him.