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Dug myself in a deep hole


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About me...

 

I'm 30 years old and met my 31 years old boyfriend last year, and we have been together for one year and one month.

 

When I first met him, he was nothing to me. He wasn't and isn't my type at all...physically and personality wise. But we started hanging out more and more and we started develop feelings for each other. He was super sweet in the beginning. Taking me out for lunch during my lunch breaks..bringing me my favorite coffee...carrying my handbag..always wanting to spend time with me..making time to talk to me if I had a problem..etc.

 

But ever since he got a new job..things started to change around the sixth month then ongoing. He wasn't as attentive and didn't do all the things he used to do for me.

 

Then just I few weeks ago I set him aside and spoke to him..

 

I was with my boyfriend and asked him about how he felt about me. I also asked him if he was happy to be with me. He is not vocal about feelings..but I tried pulling it out of him. He struggled to say. Long story short...he told me that the "newness of the relationship" wore off and he doesn't see me as someone he'd want to spend the of his life with and that I'd be more of a friend type. He also said that I'm too similar to how his mom is.*

 

We didn't literally say that we'd break up, but it's pretty much going that route. I know I deserve better and I know he's not good for me, but I'm struggling. I'm crying like everyday.

 

A few days later, he calls me and tells me he'll out and won't be home until later. (We don't live together.) And me mentions that his patents are asking if I'll be going over for brunch. <When I was listening to him talk..he sounded normal and to him..we are still together.>

 

That caught me off guard..but my heart was already broken. I tried my best to sound normal and told him that I wouldn't be able to make it cuz I'd be going out of town that weekend. He then mentioned to call him when I arrived back in town.

 

I called him back as I was arriving back from my out of town trip..and mentioned I'd be at his place soon. When I arrived he acted as how he usually does..as if he never said what he told me the week before. I just acted normal, but deep inside I was dying.

 

This past week I received a call from him earlier in the week from when he'd usually call me. He asked if I was going to visit my family and mentioned that his family is going to have a family gathering next week. I told him that I was going away for a few days to visit my parent and to just tell me the details later and call me about it. He then mentioned that I didn't have to go cuz it'd be a far drive. We ended the convo shortly after.

 

Long story short....he'd keep calling after a day or two and ask when I'd be back in town. I said that I'm not sure..maybe Wednesday. He then said.."so I guess I'll see you after then?" I then asked him directly if he wanted me to go to his family gathering/dinner. All he said was "uuuhhh." I quickly ended the convo and told him I'll call him when I get back.

 

I didn't plan to call him back, but on my way back to town..he calls me and asks where I was at..I told him I was on my way to his place. He then asked me for a specific time cuz the family dinner was set for 7:30. I told him 5:30 and was so frustrated.

 

When we were at the family dinner.. (All his relatives/family know me and we are all close.) He acted as he usually does. He held my hand...played with my hair..etc. But despite of all of this..I was dying inside because of what he said to me a few weeks ago.

 

I bring all of this up because...we are technically still together..but to me our relationship has already ended, even though I love him very much. It's just his recent actions makes it seem as if he misses me or still has feelins for me, even though he said what he said to me.

 

I know I should officially end it before he does or if he even does. I feel like crap because I don't know if he's just using me physically, or just cuz he's used to me, or if it's because he still has feelins or who knows.

I'm his first real longest relationship. He never had a girlfriend to even come close to a year.

 

I'm super close with his parents and relatives so it's hard to cut the bond.

 

 

 

 

Please help. I feel miserable...I know I can't fix the relationship anymore, even though I love him. I plan to write him a letter with my feelings and end it like that. Plus I still need to get stuff.

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Ah, this is quite a unique situation. This sounds kind of like my ex, he's not very intuitive with his own feelings. That's odd he'd say that to you, then go and act like everything is okay. If you truely love him, I wouldn't break it off just yet. It sounds as if you're frustrated but still care about him a lot. You guys haven't officially broken up yet, if you think the relationship can still be salvaged then fight for it, loves a fight.

 

He seems to still be wanting to try with you. He's not ignoring you. I feel like at a certain point in a relatioship, you get comfortable with that person. That happens around a year. Some people take that comfortness in different ways. You said he hasn't been in a relationship as long as this, maybe this feeling of warmth and comfortness is new to him and him not being able to identify his feelings too well, concludes this as his feelings "wearing off for you." Maybe give it a week or so, if he has anything to figure out. There is obviously something there if he's not breaking up with you at this point, like I said, maybe he's just confused. Every relationship has rough patches, especially around 1 year. That's when things start to get a little more serious. I know with what happen with me, my boyfriend got scared of how close we were getting. He 'retracted' and broke up with me a week before our one year.

 

Oh, and from what you have said I don't think he's using you physically, if he wanted you just for that he wouldn't be inviting you to family gatherings, it'd just be . . . hey wanna come to my place. Haha, you know...

 

But yeah, I'd just wait it out for a week or so. Then, when you go to talk to him about it again, maybe do it over text so he has more time to think through what he's going to say. Some people that are bad communicators are much better over text, the pressure is greatly reduced when you arent talking face to face so maybe he'll feel more at ease and figure out his feelings more. Just be like "Hey, I'm just following up on what you said a couple weeks ago, how are you feeling now about that?" Don't even mention breaking up at first, keep it sweet and simple and go from there.

 

Good luck! I really hope everything works out in your favor. :)

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