Guilty over cheating and about how things ended, one year later

[Driver]

Background...I am 22.

 

My ex, M, and I were in a relationship for 3.5 years. We even got engaged. Although I felt rushed into the engagement, I was CRAZY about him. We spent about two years of our relationship apart much of the time because it was long distance...but we talked daily and would fly/drive to see each other for several days each month. There was a period of time when I didn't see him for four months, and I was aware that he wasn't reading letters that I was sending him. I was feeling disconnected...and the feelings led me to do something incredibly immature. I got drunk at a party with a coworker I had been extremely drawn to for months, and we ended up sleeping together.

 

I called my ex the very next morning and told him what I had done. It was the worst conversation I had ever had, and the worst pain I had ever felt, knowing that I had done such a disgusting thing to hurt someone. I initially wanted to work things out, but I was so drawn to this other guy and couldn't understand my feelings. Instead of sticking it out and working on my relationship, I had the mentality that I was young and needed to explore my feelings for this other person.

 

After I cheated and decided to pursue things with the other guy, I went through an identity crisis. I started to hate myself and question myself. I started to think I was crazy. Here I was, someone who really loved M and had a good relationship with him, but I was consciously walking away because of the desire to explore things with this other guy. I was watching myself check out of a relationship I had once treasured and did not get why.

 

As my relationship with "the other guy" progressed, I also began to see MANY elements of my relationship with M that were bad. Things that hurt me greatly during the relationship, but never caused me to leave. The way he proposed to me even after I discussed with him that I WAS NOT ready, just because HE wanted to rush things and get married. I remember he would get angry whenever I'd tell him I wanted to wait, even though we were only 21 at the time. How he had issues with literal pathological lying in the past, before we had met...a red flag. The way we would fight all of the time. He would get upset at me over the smallest things (like as small as buying a hat or choosing what movie to watch) and turn into a huge jerk or shut down, and the day would be ruined. How he would drink...even when I'd drive seven hours to see him, he would sometimes get upset at me and drink himself into oblivion while I sat alone. And how we had major religious differences...I am agnostic and he was raised hardcore Christian. Anyway, realizing these things sort of made me see him and our relationship from an objective view...and it caused the feelings for him to die down...allowing me to enjoy my relationship with "the other guy," who I realized made me feel calm and at peace for the first time in my life.

 

When M finally came home after being away, he wanted to get back together and work things out, but my feelings had changed. At this point I didn't feel like I was leaving him FOR "the other guy," because I wasn't sure about the other guy. I was just leaving him because I no longer felt anything, even after not seeing him for seven months.

 

I am still with "the other guy," one year later. I am very content and secure with him, and I feel like he is my companion, but I don't have the same out of control passionate, desperate feelings that I had for M. It's a very different relationship and it causes me to think about HOW long term relationships really should be and IF I really made the right choice by walking away from M.

 

I guess I still feel pain because I am confused...HOW did this happen? HOW was I so madly in love with M and then do what I did regardless? WHY didn't I fix things...and could things have even been fixed? I sort of "logic-ed" my way out of my relationship with him...However, those things never bothered me or affected my view of the relationship when I was in it. I seriously felt like I was in it for good and loved him unconditionally. Things just changed. I guess it hurts that I can't make sense of everything.

[Chi townD]

As my relationship with "the other guy" progressed, I also began to see MANY elements of my relationship with M that were bad. Things that hurt me greatly during the relationship, but never caused me to leave. The way he proposed to me even after I discussed with him that I WAS NOT ready, just because HE wanted to rush things and get married. I remember he would get angry whenever I'd tell him I wanted to wait, even though we were only 21 at the time. How he had issues with literal pathological lying in the past, before we had met...a red flag. The way we would fight all of the time. He would get upset at me over the smallest things (like as small as buying a hat or choosing what movie to watch) and turn into a huge jerk or shut down, and the day would be ruined. How he would drink...even when I'd drive seven hours to see him, he would sometimes get upset at me and drink himself into oblivion while I sat alone. And how we had major religious differences...I am agnostic and he was raised hardcore Christian. Anyway, realizing these things sort of made me see him and our relationship from an objective view...and it caused the feelings for him to die down...allowing me to enjoy my relationship with "the other guy," who I realized made me feel calm and at peace for the first time in my life.

 

 

 

Well, I don't know exactlly what you're looking for here...But, I can give my two cents on your above statement.

 

You cheated on your Ex and you moved on with your affair partner. You listed the above of all the bad things that your Ex was doing to justify cheating on him in your head. That your actions were okay because he was a Jackass and " After the way he treated me, he deserved to be cheated on." Basically, your post is blameshifting. You're putting the demise of the relationship that you had with your Ex squarely on his shoulders. You do this to help you cope and justify your behavior.

 

But, just to let you know. Your current relationship probably won't last. Stats show that less than 14% of relationship at start out from infidelity make it for the long haul.

 

Sorry if this post is....blunt....but it is what it is.

[Driver]

Mmm, no... I never once thought my ex deserved to be cheated on. I thought he was the person who deserved that kind of pain least and that's why I still feel like crap about what I did to him. Thought I clarified the remorse part... Getting comments about how I should feel even worse about myself even a year after everything and trying to learn about the situation doesn't really seem helpful or productive. I see what I did as a very short sighted and immature mistake, also a very selfish one.

[Chi townD]

I'm not saying you OUTRIGHT cheated for this, that and the other and that you conciously THOUGHT he deserved this treatment. But, subconciously you're trying to find those answers of why you did what you did. It's human nature and a natural coping mechanism. If you didn't feel guilty, you wouldn't be on this forum in the first place.

Look, nothing is going to change the fact that you hurt him in the worst way possible and cheated on him. But, you compounded his pain with leaving him for your affair partner. You're just going to have to look at this as a lesson learned.

 

If you loved your Ex at all. The best thing you can do is just let him go....I'm sure you want the best for him and I think the best thing for him to do is find his own road to travel on so he can find a girl that will love him for who he is. Don't you think he deserves that?

 

So, you need to block his calls, his texts, block him on Facebook. You made your choice and.....it wasn't him. So, there's no reason for you to communicate with him ever again. You don't want to strike a friendship up with him and fill him up with any false hope. That isn't fair to you and certainly isn't fair to him.

 

And finally, I think you need to seek indivdual counciling so you can work through this feelings and for you to find a way to forgive yourself. You can't change what happen.

[Toddbt12y1]

Agree with Chi Town. Seek help. Learn from this, and do not see it as a mistake. Cheating is a personal choice in which one knows the consequences..as long as its brushed off lightly as a mistake it weakens the overall effect. Move on and learn. Gl

[Driver]

I HAVE sought help. I have done a nauseating amount of counseling and have analyzed myself extensively... I have apologized and explained... And still the confusion about how things happened exists. How can you just stop loving someone like that...

[Toddbt12y1]

Things happen. Emotions change. I know how it feels to want answers to confusing subjects like why...but sometimes the reason why is a simple "just because." People change. Maybe the emotions aren't as you thought. Doesn't have to be a reason for everything - it just happens

[Chi townD]

I HAVE sought help. I have done a nauseating amount of counseling and have analyzed myself extensively... I have apologized and explained... And still the confusion about how things happened exists. How can you just stop loving someone like that...

 

 

So, maybe I'm just confused. Are you in love with your Ex or are you in love with your affair partner?

[Jono85]

I HAVE sought help. I have done a nauseating amount of counseling and have analyzed myself extensively... I have apologized and explained... And still the confusion about how things happened exists. How can you just stop loving someone like that...

 

 

because you obviously didn't love him enough. otherwise you wouldn't have cheated on him. you even tried justifying things a little bit by prefacing your cheating admission by saying you guys were in a lull, and he hadn't read your letters for a while, etc etc etc. instead of talking to him about it, or breaking up with him b/c you were obviously not happy, you cheated. the end. you didn't love him or respect him as much as you thought you did, otherwise you wouldn't have allowed things to come even close to progressing with your co-worker as they did.

 

you say it was a great relationship and how much u can't understand how it deteriorated, yet go on to give several reasons as to why it was a bad relationship in the next breath. you obviously weren't happy. your needs were not being met. it doesn't excuse what u did in the slightest (obv u probs know u should have ended things or tried to fix things much sooner) but it doesn't appear to be rocket science, based on what you've written.

[Toddbt12y1]

The best way to rid of your guilt anyhow, probably would be to admit first to yourself that it is indeed all of your fault...every bit. He didn't force you to cheat,no mistake, that is all you. Sucks. But that's how it is. As long as you shift even a tiny bit to your ex...it will not go away. He might have not met your needs...but cheating was not his choice. Freedom from guilt often requires one to accept the full guilt.

[Driver]

I am not in love with my ex. The feelings changed soon after I met my affair partner. I just don't get how that happens... I was going to MARRY the guy.

[Toddbt12y1]

Oh I see now. Emotions just change. You are deceived by them at times...it wasn't strong for your ex. Your love. Simple as that.

[Chi townD]

So.........Your question is why did your feelings change and why did you cheat on him if he was such a great guy?

[Driver]

Exactly, Chitown. I guess it's just sad because I WAS happy even thought there were a lot of red flags... I guess I just feel confused and feel like I

am weak.

[Chi townD]

Girl, no one can answer that question but you.

 

We weren't in your relationship. The only thing we know is what you've told us.

 

You're coming to a site where a lot of us are the victims of infidelity and you're talking to one of them right now.

 

I was suppose to marry my Ex and she cheated on me. But, she did it in the most vial, cruel and humilating way possible. never had a speck of remorse. And never looked back.

 

I was crushed and devistated. But, that was many years ago and I got my revenge. When I think of her it's nothing more than with indifference. I let go of the pain. I let go of the saddness and the hardest one to let go of was the hate that I felt toward her. And I was supposed to marry her and I actually hated her! But, I had to learn to let go. I discovered that life is too short to hate. Did I ever forgive her for cheating on me? I don't think you can ever really forgive something like that. Now, I look at it as ....something that just happened. I had to move on. I had to go forward. There's a lot more to my story and the steps I had to take along the way........

 

But, now you have an idea on what someone on the other side of the coin felt. I don't bash on you like some could do, because I see that you are DEFINATELY not like my Ex and that you seem truely sorry for what happened. You're actually human. I can't tell you WHY you did what you did. Only you can answer that. You caused someone a great deal of pain and yeah...okay, he wasn't boyfriend of the year...but, as someone else mentioned, you made a choice. And people got hurt by those choices. Whether your Ex chooses to forgive you for those choices....well, that's up to him. You were in the driver's seat when you decided to cheat on him. Now, he's in the driver's seat on whether to forgive you or not. You have no say in that matter.

 

But,if he does or doesn't you have to fingure out how to come to terms with your actions. You have to figure out a way to forgive yourself. I mean, come on! I was cheated on massively by my Ex and I'm trying to give advice to a cheater. I could be tearing into you right now because I KNOW the pain that your Ex is going through quite intimately. But, I'm able to look past all of that because I'm able to let go!

 

You can't change the past. But, you can change your present and your future by learning from this. The was a Philosopher by the name of George Santayana that once said, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it".

 

Learn, heal, and let go.