Is it possible to go from committed relationship to something less?

[Helluva]

After almost a month of not being together (but remaining friends and talking everyday), my ex has literally begged me to see me when he's in town for the two days he's here.

 

At first, we were planning on exchanging belongings and him giving me part of the money he owes me for medical bills, but I told him that I would like it if he left the stuff/money at my or his house and I would pick it up. But he told me that he really misses me, wanted to see me and refused to listen to my reasoning that it's too soon and that I don't think I'm ready for it.

 

When he revealed that he doesn't have the money yet the other day, but would have it in less than a month, I told him that that was the only reason I really wanted to exchange things, so we don't have to worry about meeting up. He said he really wants to see me and he will. He's willing to call out of work on Friday, come by my job if to see/talk to me for just a moment, or swing by my house with my family here to spend time with me. But what he really wants to do, is for me to come over to his house, watch a few movies, and for me to stay the night.

 

So...after his excessive begging and not letting go of the subject, I agreed to come over Thanksgiving night and probably stay the night since my brothers are visiting and kicking me out of my room. We'll be staying on the pull out bed on the couch in the living room, right next to his mom's room, so no chance of any funny business.

 

But - I'm still confused as to why he wants to see me. I know his feelings haven't changed about not wanting a relationship and needing to find and better himself before getting involved again, and his wanting me to find other guys, but why else would we be hanging out Thursday night if it's not to see if things can go back to the way they were? With me spending time with him and his mom, watching movies, and staying the night?

 

I refuse to set myself up to be hurt again, and I told him that if I feel like I will be then I wont come, and that I had to evaluate my feelings before I came to the decision to come. So...I don't want to get my hopes up to be let down. But, I feel like he wants something more from me than to just be his ex. I feel like he wants to still be with me (maybe to just make sure I don't move on) but not in a relationship and without any commitments. Is that silly?

 

Can you guys tell me what you think his motives may be?

[movingon12]

I'm assuming he broke up with you originally?

 

Either he wants to get back together (though I'm surprised he hasn't actually said he want's to try again) or he just wants to keep you in his pocket in case he needs something from you in the future (though he's going to quite some extreme here) or he wants to make sure you don't move on, because he likes the feeling that you'll always want him.

 

Whatever the case: if you don't want to meet him, he has to respect that. The fact that he's completely disregarding what *you* want doesn't say much about him.

 

If you don't want to meet him, don't meet him: he doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore.

 

I think you should flat out ask him if this meeting is his attempt at reconciliation. If he says yes, you need to decide if you want to get back together; if he says no you need to decide if 'being friends' is helping *you*.

[Helluva]

I'm assuming he broke up with you originally?

 

Either he wants to get back together (though I'm surprised he hasn't actually said he want's to try again) or he just wants to keep you in his pocket in case he needs something from you in the future (though he's going to quite some extreme here) or he wants to make sure you don't move on, because he likes the feeling that you'll always want him.

 

Whatever the case: if you don't want to meet him, he has to respect that. The fact that he's completely disregarding what *you* want doesn't say much about him.

 

If you don't want to meet him, don't meet him: he doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore.

 

I think you should flat out ask him if this meeting is his attempt at reconciliation. If he says yes, you need to decide if you want to get back together; if he says no you need to decide if 'being friends' is helping *you*.

 

Yes, he broke up with me one month ago.

 

My biggest issue is the fact that he's disregarding what I want. He's even said that he's being selfish, but that he'll do whatever it takes to see me.

 

But - after much consideration, I realized that part of me does want to see him and that I'm tired of arguing with him about it. I'm hoping that by doing so, I can figure out why exactly he's so determined in seeing me, what it will do for him, and move on from the situation. I'm also hoping that next time he's in town he wont be so persistent in seeing me.

 

But from everything that he's said, this isn't a scheme to reconcile. It's just a way for him (who misses me soo much) to see me once again.

[Cutiepie1976]

He broke up with you, and from what you say, he's being very selfish and insisting he see you when you don't really want to meet. He's going to be in town for two days and wants you to spend the night, although he doesn't want to reconcile.

 

I think you're rationalizing what your heart wants rather than accepting the situation at hand. Call me cynical, but he's hoping to get lucky. You'll be sharing a bed for the night. Yes, his mother will be in the other room, but at some point the door will close, and she's going to sleep. Having sex with him is not going to bring a dead relationship back to life. He knows you're emotionally vulnerable right now, hence his persistence. A stand-up guy would let you recover from the break-up before trying to turn you into a friend with benefits or a booty call whenever he happens to be in town.

 

If having sex with him and then having him disappear would be hurtful to you, I would NOT go. Ignore what he's saying and look at what he's doing. This is not going to end well for you based on what you've said so far. Stay home and deal with your brothers invading your room at Thanksgiving instead. You'll be in a better place emotionally on Monday morning.

[Helluva]

He broke up with you, and from what you say, he's being very selfish and insisting he see you when you don't really want to meet. He's going to be in town for two days and wants you to spend the night, although he doesn't want to reconcile.

 

I think you're rationalizing what your heart wants rather than accepting the situation at hand. Call me cynical, but he's hoping to get lucky. You'll be sharing a bed for the night. Yes, his mother will be in the other room, but at some point the door will close, and she's going to sleep. Having sex with him is not going to bring a dead relationship back to life. He knows you're emotionally vulnerable right now, hence his persistence. A stand-up guy would let you recover from the break-up before trying to turn you into a friend with benefits or a booty call whenever he happens to be in town.

 

If having sex with him and then having him disappear would be hurtful to you, I would NOT go. Ignore what he's saying and look at what he's doing. This is not going to end well for you based on what you've said so far. Stay home and deal with your brothers invading your room at Thanksgiving instead. You'll be in a better place emotionally on Monday morning.

 

Truth be told, we still flirt and still talk about sex occasionally. We have since we first became friends (a few months before we started dating last year), and he's the only guy I ever have done that with, so it's actually kind of normal for us, as silly as that sounds. But - I've set the record straight with him already by telling him that we have not moved from a relationship to friends with benefits, and he says he understands. Even before I said that he said that he's not coming here to pressure me into having sex with him - though he wouldn't stop me if I initiate it (I initiated the breakup sex a few weeks ago), but he's not expecting anything. Plus, I would never disrespect his mom that way by having sex mere feet from her bedroom, especially since she keeps the door open when she sleeps.

 

But I have thought of that as a possible motive for his wanting to see me. But since I killed that idea, and since he was willing to meet anywhere I chose to (his house, my house, restaurant, mall, my job, etc...) I know it's not his reasoning. At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself looking at everything that's been said between us. I'll be devastated if that is all he wants from me.