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NC with clinically depressed ex


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xcrazygirl08x

Hello all! I'm new here and a first time poster, but LS was one of the sites I found when searching for answers so here I am.

 

I was with L for 10 months and knew he suffered from clinical depression, but I suppose I just thought that as long as he stayed medicated it would all be ok. Looking back on it, that was pretty stupid. Medications seem to wear off on him over time, apparently the longest they worked was for 4 years. It was inevitable that they would wear off again.

 

Things started out with me playing things cool and him doing all the chasing. From there, things heated up and I fell in love after thinking I never would again. I put so much trust in him, how could I not? But much later on he started losing interest in intimacy and talking and became ill almost every week. He had said that he thought the meds were wearing off, so he would need to see a doctor soon, but he never did. I tried to help, but I think the more I did, the more I pushed him away. Afterward, I did some research into it and I said some things that you should never say to a depressed person. I think that I unintentionally just made him feel more guilty.

 

The last few weeks I had no idea anything was wrong. He would just be cooking and would come over, kiss my hair and go back to cooking again- I took it as a sign that he cared about me. A few weeks later, I got an email spouting that god awful cliche- We need to talk. I think in my heart I knew what was coming as I walked down there. He said he thinks we should break up, that we both deserve happiness and I won't get that from im. We were both crying, but after a bad break up I was determined that THIS one at least, would be as civilised as possible. I told him that I understood and that I just wanted him to be happy. I didn't want him to get close because I knew it would send me over the edge, but he gave me the biggest hug before I left.

 

The next day, I was angry, hurt, just stunned by what happened. I sent an email saying that I didn't understand what was going on or why he was doing this. I asked if he ever loved me and if he didn't then why did he say he did? He said "i did love you i just don't think i'm in love with you :/ i dont know how to explain it but its been going around my head past few months off and on i thought maybe its just the depression and things will get better but things are still the same you will have noticed my lack of interest in sex and being ill regularly and my shrink said that could be psycho semantic i just felt it would be best for both of us :/".

 

I realised that it was too much to contact him so I said that I couldn't email right now because it hurt too much and that I'd be in contact to collect my stuff when I was ready. He said that he knew it was hard but that he promised he would go and get help for his depression and that he was so sorry. That was August 23rd, the day of the split.

 

3 weeks later, I collected my stuff, remaining cool, polite and civil. We chatted briefly, but not about the past and I pretended I had somewhere else to be so that I could end the conversation early. He seemed surprised, and gain, even though I wish he hadn't, he gave me the biggest hug and said to send a message when I could.

 

NC from then on, though we stayed FB friends. It took me a while to realise that it was just hurting me to do that, so I unfriended and blocked him. On October 15th after receiving all kinds of mixed signals, I decided to take a leap and ask him if there was a chance for us. If his depression wasn't a part of the way he felt as he was displaying classic symptoms. He said he didn't know how he felt anymore and "well i cant say if its just the depression or not or how long before i know for sure or if when i do know which way it will go :/ your best living your own life now you cant put your life on hold for me its not going to be a quick fix if i can be fixed and certain things may never go away as ive said your better off without me".

 

I said if it was I would support him, as a friend if as nothing else and said that whatever the outcome I just wanted him to be happy. NC from then on starting 17th October. On 30th October I recieved a message out of the blue with the subject line "HEY". It completely threw me for a loop. He knew I loved zombies while we were together and he had sent me two photos of him dressed up as a zombie for Halloween from the day before with the message "thought you might appreciate it hope your ok hun take care".

 

I'm proud to say that I've not replied and have been able to keep up NC. I just wish I knew what was going on, but I know that I'll probably never get the answers I want right now. If he does get better, with or without me, I hope he'll be happy. I just hope that I can fix myself too. Thank you for listening. Even if noone reads this, it helps just to write it down.

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I've suffered from depression for about ten years (I'm now 25) and it makes any decision in life extremely difficult. Relationships especially. What I have learned is, no one but myself can help me progress. It sounds like the best thing for you to do is to do what you are doing. Continue NC and work on yourself. You can't change anything and you did your best to help him. He said he didn't want to be with you, and I know you can go back and forth as to whether it was the depression talking or not, but it seems like he's moving along just fine. The e-mail he sent you, he probably just wanted some kind of ego boost.. Good job ignoring it. I'm sure there are other factors that could've caused the break up, remember those too.

 

I think in order for you to heal you can't remain friends, so just continue NC, no explaination needed. I know it's hard to go on without the answers you need, but while you are sad, he's out at halloween parties, so it sounds like he's doing better than you thought.

 

I think the best thing you can do is remember everything that contributed to the break up because I'm sure they were the same reasons he ended it. You sound like a very nice person, sometimes that makes it harder to move on too, because you feel sympathy for him. Start feeling sympathy for you now.. let go of the hope of getting back together so you can get better. :)

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xcrazygirl08x

That was very hard for me to read. But you're probably right. It as very helpful to gain your perspective so thanks, I really appreciate it.

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That was very hard for me to read. But you're probably right. It as very helpful to gain your perspective so thanks, I really appreciate it.

 

 

I'm sorry. I know I was depressed and broke up with my ex, but it was only one of many reasons. I couldn't deal with problems in the relationship on top of my own. I was probably more heartbroken than my ex about it though. I know it'll get better for you, just put your mind to focusing on yourself and enjoying each day as much as you can.

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xcrazygirl08x

I suppose what makes it hard was that we never fought or argued. Tried to talk about things and be mature about it. It sounds silly, but for me there were no problems and I never heard about any from him. Though I understand that doesn't mean there weren't any for him. I just wish we'd talked about it if there were. A few weeks before I told him "You know I love you and you make me so happy. I hope I make you happy too." He said "Of course you make me happy". I guess I was just blindsided, but it happens.

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