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Fiancee dated other men, but still loves me and needs time?


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So... My fiancee and I have been together for near 3 years now.

Backstory is that we were engaged to be married until she started acting very cold, hitting me, and saying hurtful things to me, and that is when I caught her sexting (texting sexually) another guy. Everything above caused us to postpone our wedding. We couldn't get married with this hanging over our heads, and she wanted to reearn my trust.

 

Fast forward 1 year, she had worked so hard to reearn my trust, taking me to disney land, not hitting me anymore, barely arguing.. and then.. a little over a month ago she started acting really cold.

 

She needed a lot of space all of a sudden, started going out with her friends more, going out "by herself" for alone time, password protected her phone and computer, and we started to argue all the time again. I did not trust her at all anymore, her stories of what happened when she was out kept changing.

 

I found out she had opened a dating profile, and had been texting and sexting many guys, including the previous one, and been out on dates with one guy during her "alone time". When I confronted her she broke down saying this is not the person she wants to be, and wants help to be who she was, the girl I fell in love with. During this time we broke up officially, saying we would start from square one again. But.. she kept texting other guys and pretending she was not, even when we were at a wedding together, and even went on another date.

 

We are at the point now where she has not been going on dates, and i don't think she is texting guys (at least not much) She says she loves me, and wants to be with me, and still wants to be married to me, but needs time.

 

I don't understand... why cant she just say yes or no, and not keep me dangling? I feel like this will happen again and again... That I will never be enough for her. She says its her with the problem, not me, and it may be true.. but.. im still effected by this and wish it could be clean rather than dragging it out for months with me dying a little bit inside every day as I try to make her realize why she loved me to begin with, and waiting and waiting for her to tell me she really loves me, or doesn't anymore.

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I have only read the first few lines and i had to stop.

 

Hitting you? that is not ok, This is where you need to end it.

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She didn't know how to deal with her anger, and when we finally talked about it and she tried to be a better person she stopped. The last time was over a year ago, and that, she does deeply regret. Not that it makes it okay, but she is not strong enough to hurt me physically, only my feelings. that is something I put behind me a long time ago. I need help with the new problem. :(

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Right... it is your problem because you allow her bad behavior to continue to affect your life.

 

No offense but shes a piece of crap and needs to be flushed down the toilet. Most of my friends fiances are great women, would never join a dating site or text(sext) other guys.

 

My question is why do you keep allowing yourself to be treated like this. Kick her to the curb and give her her time. Don't help her either. Shes lucky to have you but she's seriously not only hurting you but disrespecting you. As a guy, you should never allow your significant other to disrespect you in this manner. No relationship is worth it.

 

You want to earn the respect and admiration of women and your future significant other, this is how you do it. Kick her to the curb and let her fend for herself. See the world isnt as a great of place as she thinks it is right now. And let her learn her lesson

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this woman isnt going to change. She has an insatiable need for attention from other men and marriage isnt going to stop that

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Can i please have someone say something positive?

 

We very well may be at the point its over.. but what I dont have the room above to say is what a wonderful woman she is, before all this. This is not who she is, she wants her to be who she was, and so do I. When talking about a problem people have a tendency to talk about the bad and not the good. Please help me out... It would be easy to break up. Stupid, blind, nieve or not, I still do love her, and want her to come around. But.. Im scared she won't even with therapy. Or she will get better, but not be in love with me.

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There's nothing positive here... you're essentially her doormat by her previous and current behaviors towards you and you continue to allow it.

 

You yourself need space to see this.

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How about a couple of analogies?

  1. If your dog keeps biting you and you keep petting him, do you honestly believe he's going to stop biting you?
  2. If a thief finds that your front door is left open every night and he's able to come in and steal you blind every night, do you honestly believe he's going to stop stealing?

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It is this sentence that bothers me

 

and i don't think she is texting guys (at least not much)

 

The thing is, at what point are you going to be absolutely sure and positive that you are the only one?

 

the longer this goes on, the more crap you will take from her, because your self esteem just gets lower and lower. I am dealing with this problem myself, and so when i read your thread, that is what i see.

 

The only positive thing would be to let go of her. She is no different to a guy who does that. they just never ever change

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Because she promised to stop both the behaviors and the texting. Rather than being contolling and demanding to find out like I have, which doesnt make me trust her, or her want me- I am opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt, but of her showing me I can trust her, and her loving me again.

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I think she needs constant attention/validation from other men coz' it excites her. You may be her main man but she thrives on her fan club. She may love you coz' you provide her security, but she is lacking something within her. She feels empty somewhere and other men are her outlet.

 

I agree with the other poster that it's hard to change this attitude. The question is how long can you endure this? Are you willing to sacrifice your peace of mind with her indiscretions?

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She didn't know how to deal with her anger, and when we finally talked about it and she tried to be a better person she stopped. The last time was over a year ago, and that, she does deeply regret. Not that it makes it okay, but she is not strong enough to hurt me physically, only my feelings. that is something I put behind me a long time ago. I need help with the new problem. :(

 

OK so she stopped being a physical abuser, and has now resorted to emotional and verbal abuse.

 

Either way, this is where you end it. You're in an abusive relationship and your love won't save her. She's going to drag you down, and destroy whatever self-esteem, and confidence you have left, if there's any left at all.

 

If she can't handle anger well she needs to get into therapy. I'm not sure why you put up with this. And "because I love her" is not an answer. It's an excuse. You should LOVE YOURSELF.

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WOW....

 

Everything has gotten better? WHAT? No it hasnt, you're posting on this website with the same problem... Only now you are lying to yourself...

 

There's a specific type of person that dates and enters a relationship with women like her and your post here shows it. (They lack self - love)

 

Hate to tell you this, but you're relationship was over the day you made that post. If you do get married, she will eventually divorce you if you dont self suicide from the emotional bull**** you are putting yourself through.

 

Why would you allow yourself to continue to be treated like this? No woman would ever respect a guy she walks all over, the only reason she would marry you is to "SETTLE" Trust me when I say its not out of love.

 

You must have some "SERIOUS" Demons to allow yourself to be emotionally tortured for the past 3 years.

 

If you dont have the balls to break it off with her, at least get some help (therapy), maybe then you will see how ridiculous this looks.

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