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So much negativity- is it always the end?


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I've been reading through a lot of posts, trying to learn a little. Also trying to find a little hope. It's kind of depressing.

 

It's tougher because I don't see any situations like mine. I see a lot of people talk about break ups from bad situations, or they talk about things in the relationship that were not good, things they didn't like about their ex, or things they did wrong in the relationship. It's tough because I don't have any of these issues with my ex. We seemed to be perfect until the sudden switch, which as near as I can tell has something to do with the idea of meeting my kids.

 

And then there are the responses. Almost always about letting go. Getting over it. Never contacting. You're fooling yourself. Etc. Basically, one break up and consider it the end.

 

I am not so jaded that I think this has to be the case. If there are warning signs like some I've read, sure. But I'm pretty sure I've heard of people breaking up and getting back together and living happily ever after.

 

It's killing me to have hope in my recent break up, but the alternative is to totally shut her out of my mind, move on and possibly lose out on the best relationship I ever had or ever will have.

 

Three's gotta be some happy endings out there...

:(

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Your relationship was 4 months.... give me a break... you are still in the honeymoon phase. She bailed in the middle of the honeymoon phase. It means theres no chance it was going to work out

 

You are seeing butterflies, rainbows and unicorns and she used her brain and saw something that wasnt right for her.

 

Find the next "one" and try again

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I guess I contributed to negging you out in your last post...

 

But you've got to understand this mate..

 

As always "to my knowledge"... when a girl decides shes no longer wants you and says it's over, in her mind it is over, and it's extremely difficult to convince her otherwise.

 

I never said there's no hope for you, I'm just saying that you should expect the worst in the back of your mind, because when you do decide to reach out and fight to get her back... if it doesn't work, she's gone... trust me -

 

At that stage, hope becomes your own downfall and you'll spiral into depression, hope in relationships is BAD, hope is NOT YOUR FRIEND in these situations, it often leads to more hurt and disappointment.

 

I understand how you feel and what you are saying... but love is a bitch, it's harsh and goes easy for no man.

Edited by ParadeRain
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I guess I contributed to negging you out in your last post...

 

But you've got to understand this mate..

 

As always "to my knowledge"... when a girl decides shes no longer wants you and says it's over, in her mind it is over, and it's extremely difficult to convince her otherwise.

 

I never said there's no hope for you, I'm just saying that you should expect the worst in the back of your mind, because when you do decide to reach out and fight to get her back... if it doesn't work, she's gone... trust me.

 

 

Yeah, but better to fight and lose and know it than give up and spend the rest of your life wondering.

 

As for CptSaveAho, you think that doesn't cross my mind? At 40, do you think I haven't dated enough to know the difference between this relationship and every other one I've had? The ability to see warning signs? But sure, I guess everything is the same all over.

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At 40, do you think I haven't dated enough to know the difference between this relationship and every other one I've had?

 

I'm already aware of this, that's why I chose my words carefully when posting in your threads, I fully understand what she means to you, you already know the dance when it comes to love... you've been married with kids.

 

That makes it easy to give you the harsh truth on your situation, I don't sugar coat anything... it's comforting and tormenting at the same time to have hope, but once you grasp that final straw to reach out and fight for her... if it doesn't win her back then you've got to accept it.

 

I feel sorry for you because I've just been through it all losing my first love, you're going through this now losing what may be the love of your life... I hear they are the 2 worst experiences you can have in regards to relationships...

 

I "hope" personally that she will come back to you... but I also know that when you're not what she wants... she won't be yours, all you have to do is find out whether you are what she wants... you'll find out sooner or later, there's no real reason to put a time frame on it, pick up the phone right now in my opinion.. life's too short.

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todreaminblue
I've been reading through a lot of posts, trying to learn a little. Also trying to find a little hope. It's kind of depressing.

 

It's tougher because I don't see any situations like mine. I see a lot of people talk about break ups from bad situations, or they talk about things in the relationship that were not good, things they didn't like about their ex, or things they did wrong in the relationship. It's tough because I don't have any of these issues with my ex. We seemed to be perfect until the sudden switch, which as near as I can tell has something to do with the idea of meeting my kids.

 

And then there are the responses. Almost always about letting go. Getting over it. Never contacting. You're fooling yourself. Etc. Basically, one break up and consider it the end.

 

I am not so jaded that I think this has to be the case. If there are warning signs like some I've read, sure. But I'm pretty sure I've heard of people breaking up and getting back together and living happily ever after.

 

It's killing me to have hope in my recent break up, but the alternative is to totally shut her out of my mind, move on and possibly lose out on the best relationship I ever had or ever will have.

 

Three's gotta be some happy endings out there...

:(

 

 

if you are reading the negativity you wont find hope....theres no hope in break up sthats why they happen and yes some people find hope again and go back......but that is often the illusion of hope because if hope is not internal if it isnt in you and you go back to find it......you never really had hold of it in the first place if you need the validation of a past relationship that broke up ...therefore the hope wasn't there at that time. and it wont be when you go back...moving forward is scary its unknown.....but if you have hope in you....you can take those steps...unfortunately for humanity hope doesnt come on tap........you can only tap into your own reserves.God put a heap of reserves in your heart to have hope...you just have to learn to listen to your heart and not fight with it........im still learning......i hope that you find your reserves...God loves ya that hope is ;)eternal.. .best wishes....deb

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Thanks.

 

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning."

Albert Einstein

 

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

Leo F. Buscaglia

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"So much negativity- is it always the end?"

 

I don't think so. It's just that the relief of getting over the painful break-up is much more worth it than staying stuck in hoping. Reconciliations really don't have a timeframe and excising expectation from hope is very difficult for most of us. Just recently, I heard from someone whose feelings for her ex came back after 4 years since their break up. What did they both do in the meantime? They dated other people and I think the ex even dated one of her friends (they even went on double dates!). If that's not unattached, I don't know what else that can be called. :laugh:

 

I never thought of hope to be a bad thing; never thought there are "types" of hope either. Hope is hope. But take care of yourself too and just be open to anything. If your ex comes back, you want to meet her as the best possible version of yourself, don't you? You have to bring something new to the table, brother. And maybe you'll get her back, or attract a new girl who will fit you better than your ex did.

 

Think positive (and I don't mean for just your ex coming back). Think positive for everything. But for now, if you feel like moping, mope it out. It's okay to be sad. Take your time and then get yourself outta there. :)

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Yeah, but better to fight and lose and know it than give up and spend the rest of your life wondering.

 

As for CptSaveAho, you think that doesn't cross my mind? At 40, do you think I haven't dated enough to know the difference between this relationship and every other one I've had? The ability to see warning signs? But sure, I guess everything is the same all over.

 

 

Wondering what? What could have been? Look, you can do that all day long, but if the other person isn't interested, there's really nothing you can do but.....MOVE FORWARD.

 

You're coming to a site where people have been dumped or had to dump. This site is full of people that are hurting. So, there are people on here that support each other through the hurt. And do you know what? Some people come back and update on how well there lives are now that they've taken the tools that they've learned from here and applied it to their lives. Look around! You'll find them.

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I think part of the negativity is in reality most relationship shouldn't be given a second chance. A lot of ones posted on here when you're not emotionally invested into it it's so easy to see the relationship wasn't good and the person should move on. There is a few who were good obviously, but then again they ended for a reason so you never know if it will happen again.

 

I was like you, still am to a point. I knew I had a great relationship although my experience is lacking, I can look back on it and be honest with myself and say it was good for me. Unfortunately it doesn't change anything. I've tried to get my ex back, so far without any luck.

 

So i'm forced to keep moving on, like you must do. I'm not really in NC like most people here, if she reaches out to me you can bet i'm going to talk to her. I'm working on myself, and keeping myself busy and having fun as much as I can. What else can I do? Begging her or anything like that doesn't do me any good. If anything, showing her i'm doing fine is going to help me the most since we still see each other all the time. But you can bet most of the time I see her, I want to tell her how much I miss her.

 

Have you reached out? I completely agree you HAVE to try if you want her back, but do it in a good way. I could not move on knowing I never tried.

 

I didn't read any of your other threads, did she give you any reasons why? I mean, if it's something that can't be fixed or worked on, sorry to say but you have to move on.

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Have you reached out? I completely agree you HAVE to try if you want her back, but do it in a good way. I could not move on knowing I never tried.

 

I didn't read any of your other threads, did she give you any reasons why? I mean, if it's something that can't be fixed or worked on, sorry to say but you have to move on.

 

Not yet. I am waiting. Partly to let myself get into a better place. I need to be my usual self to talk to her. Not my current pathetic self. And partly to hope she has time to think and miss me.

 

She really couldn't give me a reason. She said we are too different. But that wasn't the case a few weeks earlier, when we talked about how in sync we were. Her mother told me she is scared. I think this was mistake based on fear, not on compatibility or problems.

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Not yet. I am waiting. Partly to let myself get into a better place. I need to be my usual self to talk to her. Not my current pathetic self. And partly to hope she has time to think and miss me.

 

She really couldn't give me a reason. She said we are too different. But that wasn't the case a few weeks earlier, when we talked about how in sync we were. Her mother told me she is scared. I think this was mistake based on fear, not on compatibility or problems.

 

That's a good answer, definitely wait until you think it through and are doing better to reach out.

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She said we are too different.

 

DUR DUR DUR ........................... Jesus... she told you

 

you are in your 40s and talking to her mother... really?

 

Do you not see how childish this is. Asking her mom why she doesnt want to be with you after she told you..... (final answer anyone)?

 

Id be scared of you too if you were asking my mom questions about my feelings and why i didnt want to date you anymore

Edited by CptSaveAho
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DUR DUR DUR ........................... Jesus... she told you

 

you are in your 40s and talking to her mother... really?

 

Do you not see how childish this is. Asking her mom why she doesnt want to be with you after she told you..... (final answer anyone)?

 

Id be scared of you too if you were asking my mom questions about my feelings and why i didnt want to date you anymore

 

You sure shoot your mouth off when you don't know the circumstances. You apparently are just a bitter, unhappy person with nothing worthwhile to contribute. Please go away.

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Am I wrong? I quoted your own words

 

Facts 4 month relationship. You fell, she didnt. She told you why, you dont believe her, asked her mom.

 

This is what 16-20 year olds do on the forum. Not 40 year olds

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Are you always an *******? Do you troll these pages because you are such a pathetic pile of pissy personal issues that you make your self feel better by insulting people through making half baked assumptions from a couple lines of text that can not possibly tell the whole story? I don't need to explain myself to you. I don't want your input. I can see you are probably going to be on this site for a long time.

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Am I wrong?????

 

Ive only quoted your words minus the fluff...

 

The relationship is over, she said it, her mom said it. Yet you have this magical belief that she wants to be with you.

 

I dont understand... move forward... no one on this thread is going to disagree

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Seriously, yes, you are wrong and f-in retarded. You make ASSUMPTIONS based on things that are only hinted at. You do not know the full story. You do not know the circumstances of the conversation. You do not know exactly what was said. Can't you take a hint? Go the flip away. I'm sure every ex you ever dealt with has said the exact same thing because you are such a jackhole.

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I'll bite. I personally know of 7 married couples between family members and friends that have had some of the most bitter and dramatic breakups. These 7 couples are currently married (ranging from 3 years to 25).

 

Here's the thing. Most relationships people get into do not deserve a second chance. Having said that, sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people aren't ready to settle down at the same time as their partners. Sometimes circumstance leads to an unwanted breakup by both parties.

 

Sometimes breaking up is just what a couple needs to be able to reflect back on their actions without being blinded and make the logical jump that their hearts made a long time ago. If you take a moment to read through the topics on this very forum, you can see that a breakup has caused everyone here to learn something new about themselves or their partners that they were blind to - even after being with them for 5 years and upward.

 

So why is it taboo to talk about it on this forum? Well, here's the trick. When you want someone back after a breakup, the most important thing you can do is move on. Not to play mind games, and not to try to get your ex back, but to get back the you that was lost (See the second link in my signature on that one). Moving on properly from a failed relationship requires that you let go even if you don't want to.

 

If you refuse to let go of the failed relationship, and then reconcile while holding onto it guess what happens? You return to the same relationship. You don't want to do that. You have to give up the ghost on that relationship. It's dead. It's gone. And since it led to a breakup you better damn well keep it in the dirt. Second chances that lead to a happily ever after story require a new relationship, not a battered and beaten one with one foot in the grave. Don't be a grave digger.

 

You see? It's dangerous to tell people here that second chances exist because it just prolongs the healing process and really cheats people out of a potential happy ending. In the end, second chances do exist. Things are never as black and white as they seem, and anyone who tells you otherwise is crazy. Having said that, I wouldn't dare rob someone of their chance to heal by telling them a second chance is just around the corner.

 

It's a dangerous concept. Once you believe you can get them back you forfeit any chance at actually getting them back. Life is strange in that way.

Edited by dreamstate83
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I'll bite. I personally know of 7 married couples between family members and friends that have had some of the most bitter and dramatic breakups. These 7 couples are currently married (ranging from 3 years to 25).

 

Here's the thing. Most relationships people get into do not deserve a second chance. Having said that, sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people aren't ready to settle down at the same time as their partners. Sometimes circumstance leads to an unwanted breakup by both parties.

 

Sometimes breaking up is just what a couple needs to be able to reflect back on their actions without being blinded and make the logical jump that their hearts made a long time ago. If you take a moment to read through the topics on this very forum, you can see that a breakup has caused everyone here to learn something new about themselves or their partners that they were blind to - even after being with them for 5 years and upward.

 

So why is it taboo to talk about it on this forum? Well, here's the trick. When you want someone back after a breakup, the most important thing you can do is move on. Not to play mind games, and not to try to get your ex back, but to get back the you that was lost (See the second link in my signature on that one). Moving on properly from a failed relationship requires that you let go even if you don't want to.

 

If you refuse to let go of the failed relationship, and then reconcile while holding onto it guess what happens? You return to the same relationship. You don't want to do that. You have to give up the ghost on that relationship. It's dead. It's gone. And since it led to a breakup you better damn well keep it in the dirt. Second chances that lead to a happily ever after story require a new relationship, not a battered and beaten one with one foot in the grave. Don't be a grave digger.

 

You see? It's dangerous to tell people here that second chances exist because it just prolongs the healing process and really cheats people out of a potential happy ending. In the end, second chances do exist. Things are never as black and white as they seem, and anyone who tells you otherwise is crazy. Having said that, I wouldn't dare rob someone of their chance to heal by telling them a second chance is just around the corner.

 

Excellently put. Two of my girlfriends at work are currently married to the men they dated off an on for years. Went to hell and back with them. And HAD to go through those times apart in order to come back together and be in strong relationships with them today. That's not to say it happens all the time, but I definitely believe that you have to move on, on your own, from a failed relationship. If the core that made it good in the first place is still there, then maybe there's a chance.

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Thanks for an actually well thought out reply.

 

I can see how the idea might be taken poorly here. It's probably not the best site for what I am looking at.

 

I have no illusions. I know that the chances are we will not be together. But I also can look back over the lessons of many relationships and see where they've gone wrong. And I know enough about my current situation to know how it is different. Obviously I can't list every conversation or explain everything.

 

So if people want to go straight for the "it's over" decision for everyone else, without knowing the full story, I probably shouldn't be looking here. Especially when you have unhappy little trolls like a pimply faced kid with a name like cptsaveaho who have nothing worthwhile to contribute.

 

As for me, I said it before. I know what was. The pieces don't fit for what happened. I will try to save what was the best relationship of my life. I will not beg, I will give her time. If we get back together, it will all be worth it. If we don't get back together, it will still be worth it because I won't have regrets of not trying.

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Thanks for an actually well thought out reply.

 

I can see how the idea might be taken poorly here. It's probably not the best site for what I am looking at.

 

I have no illusions. I know that the chances are we will not be together. But I also can look back over the lessons of many relationships and see where they've gone wrong. And I know enough about my current situation to know how it is different. Obviously I can't list every conversation or explain everything.

 

So if people want to go straight for the "it's over" decision for everyone else, without knowing the full story, I probably shouldn't be looking here. Especially when you have unhappy little trolls like a pimply faced kid with a name like cptsaveaho who have nothing worthwhile to contribute.

 

As for me, I said it before. I know what was. The pieces don't fit for what happened. I will try to save what was the best relationship of my life. I will not beg, I will give her time. If we get back together, it will all be worth it. If we don't get back together, it will still be worth it because I won't have regrets of not trying.

 

Before you make any decisions, have a read of the second link in my signature. It may be enlightening (or hey, it may even be a complete waste of time, I'll let you decide!)

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Before you make any decisions, have a read of the second link in my signature. It may be enlightening (or hey, it may even be a complete waste of time, I'll let you decide!)

 

I did. Well written. It isn't applicable to my situation. I've got a great life. I am happy with who I am. And since the majority of people here seem to think that they know everything from tiny little bit of information posted here, like assuming I went to speak to her mother, then I think I need to dump this toxic place. Best of luck to everyone.

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I did. Well written. It isn't applicable to my situation. I've got a great life. I am happy with who I am. And since the majority of people here seem to think that they know everything from tiny little bit of information posted here, like assuming I went to speak to her mother, then I think I need to dump this toxic place. Best of luck to everyone.

 

You can't really judge a book by the first 2 pages in most cases. No matter where you go looking for your answers, you are going to be confronted with a lot of bitter and heartbroken souls. My best advice is to take the bits of information that do apply to you and ignore the rest (but make sure you swallow the tough pills that you know are true). Best of luck to you in your situation!

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I did. Well written. It isn't applicable to my situation. I've got a great life. I am happy with who I am. And since the majority of people here seem to think that they know everything from tiny little bit of information posted here, like assuming I went to speak to her mother, then I think I need to dump this toxic place. Best of luck to everyone.

 

I can agree with that, I got the same responses when I first posted here. Like you, my situation is different to. As much as I have no proof, I can pretty much guarantee that my ex wants to be with me quite bad, but it's just not ready to happen yet, and still might never happen.

 

But the advice that you need to move on is right. Regardless of what the future holds either with or without her it's for the best to not just wait around for her. And trying to contact her too much will just push her away.

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