She wanted a break, I broke-up, but I don't really want to...

[shredordie]

Think I posted this in the wrong section before:

 

We were dating nine months. Things seemed great. We did have our issues, specifically I put off meeting her best friend, which was partially subconscious, partially related to my stresses about grad-work (I'm a writer), but bottom line I should have just bit the bullet and met him. Regardless, things still seemed OK and we'd even discussed meeting her friend and I thought that was going to happen. But then she asked for a break.

 

She's 28, I'm 27. Neither of us have a ton of relationship history. This was her longest relationship. There was never any kind of jealousy on my part, nor was there any real enmeshment that I perceived. We spent quite a bit of time apart actually because of our artistic pursuits. I have some social anxieties that she knew about, but I mean things generally seemed healthy.

 

She asked for a one-week break because she said she was feeling severely depressed. She started counseling. I started counseling for my social anxiety. Basically we said we'd both work on each other during the break.

 

I have a TREMENDOUSLY DIFFICULT time dealing with the break. This is something I've actually been working on with my therapist: impulse control. I talk to her several times during the week, including one text message I sent that made her think I wanted to break up. She immediately calls me and we have an emotional discussion and decide that we're not going to do the break. We're supposed to see each other that Friday (or so I think). Friday rolls around, we don't see each other. Her memories of our conversation are different and she says we're still on a break but that she'll see me on Sunday.

 

We see each other Sunday. It's sad. She wants more time and says that she really needs me to respect her need for space. I agree.

 

I have a hard time during the week. IMPULSE. CONTROL. I don't text or phone her excessively or anything, but there are a couple of days where I do text her and tell her I'm having a hard time and I would like to see her. No response.

 

Break extends into third week. I email her apologizing for breach of space (I know this is space-violating itself, but I couldn't just let well enough alone).

 

The next day she sends me a very stern email that DEMANDS one month of space with no contact whatsoever.

 

This seems like a very disproportionate response to me based on what's been happening and I'm blown away. I'm hurt. How can someone who supposedly cares about me impose something like that. Doesn't she realize how that would affect me?

 

I send her a text saying that I think we need to end things. I send her an email the next day reaffirming as much, with more details. It was melodramatic, but I broke it off. I said that one month was too much. I do say that I want to talk to her about all this.

 

At the time I meant it, and it might even be the right decision, but I do love this girl and I think that we've regrettably been caught up in a little bit of drama. Ultimately, I do not want to break up with her.

 

It's been 4 days and she hasn't acknowledged my break-up messages, although she has expressed anger to a mutual friend and asked him if she could give him some of my stuff to return to me.

 

I want things to settle down before I reach out to her again, but I also want her to know that I don't want this to be the end of things. Trying so hard not to text her right now

 

Thanks for reading this long message, I appreciate any advice.

[NavyAirTraffic]

The problem is you never listened. She asked for space, you didn't give. She asked for more space and you didn't give. This time LISTEN TO HER! Anything you say at this point won't work, you know how I know that?? It hasn't so far! Each attempt has pushed her farther away, 1 week/3weeks/1month, if you do it again do you think it will be less time?

 

Ok, that was a bit harsh but it sounded like you needed to hear it. Disappear! She wants space for a reason, that reason you'll never know and if you did find out it wouldn't make you feel better. This time sucks I know, we are/were in your shoes at one point. Don't believe me, read all the post on how people didn't listen. I read several today "I called until they changed their number", "I texted so much that she just stopped responding", even restraining orders.

 

I know it's againsts your instincts right now "must fight for what I love", but that's your heart talking and not your head.

[NavyAirTraffic]

I want things to settle down before I reach out to her again, but I also want her to know that I don't want this to be the end of things.

 

It sucks I know but you've already shown how much you care, and she didn't react. Also breaks are kinda breakups. Think of someone you've loved, have you ever said "oh god I love them so much I need to not see/talk to the for a while"??? Listen to your head right now not your heart.

 

What are you going to tell her? "Uhhhh what I said the other day I didn't mean". She already knows you want to be with her and talk to her because you've tried it before. Sorry to tell you this but she doesn't care right now, if she did she wouldn't want more time apart.

 

Also, sombody correct me if I'm wrong but if you say "I didn't mean it" you come off as indecisive, weak, she might lose respect for you "he couldn't even last a week".

[shredordie]

Hey Navy,

 

No, I gotcha, it doesn't sound harsh. I've had a break situation occur before, but this just feels different in a way, with her depression. To be honest, it almost feels like she's messing it up just to mess things up (not that she doesn't have some legitimate issues she needs to work through).

 

And this means that ultimately it probably would be better for me to walk away...

 

I guess what I'm really curious about is how she might be feeling now that I've ended things. I don't really know. It felt right when I said it, but I was acting out of some pretty raw emotion. I think both of us have been.

 

Gah, who knows! I'm gonna give it some time. I think maybe I am just worried that breaking up with her screwed things up for good.

 

Thanks for the comments.

[foreverastone]

I think she just wants to see if you can follow instructions.

How about you not contact her for 1 month like she asks and then at the end of the month you can start contacting her again.

[shredordie]

Ha, that's some advice. Do you think that's what a mutually loving relationship should be about? Following instructions? That's perhaps a bit cynical.

 

My own mental well-being ultimately does come first, and I'm not about to wait around for that long. I muddied things up a bit, sure, and I regret that, but no.

[NavyAirTraffic]

I don't know brother, just read my signature I guess. It just makes sense to me. You didn't break up but contacted her and it got worse. Now you broke up with her and are thinking about contacting her. What do you guess might happen? Take a step back and answer your own question. Whatever you do, good luck to you!

[moveONorStay]

 

My own mental well-being ultimately does come first, and I'm not about to wait around for that long. I muddied things up a bit, sure, and I regret that, but no.

 

Good on you for being strong! It will help you during this ordeal.

 

Focus on your writing, primarily...worry about the other stuff if it comes back to you. Right now you are free to be you.

 

Good luck

[foreverastone]

Ha, that's some advice. Do you think that's what a mutually loving relationship should be about? Following instructions? That's perhaps a bit cynical.

 

My own mental well-being ultimately does come first, and I'm not about to wait around for that long. I muddied things up a bit, sure, and I regret that, but no.

 

Whatever's best for you

[TopCat22]

If there was a loving relationship there then she wouldn't need a month without seeing/speaking to you. She wanted to break-up but didn't have the guts to do it herself, so strung you along with "breaks" until eventually you had to end things. This happened to me. Women don't like hurting people and many of them find it hard to break-up with you because they don' want to be the ones hurting you.

 

You did the right thing. As for the contacting her, well excuse you for wanting to talk to the person you love. Asking for space is BS. It means they feel differently about you or there is someone else, or likely both.

 

Go NC with her now and try and move on. It will be tough and you are bound to relapse (we all have), but the only way she comes back is by herself. Nothing you do will persuade her. Leave her be and let her have as much time and space as she wants.

[Influence]

Think I posted this in the wrong section before:

 

We were dating nine months. Things seemed great. We did have our issues, specifically I put off meeting her best friend, which was partially subconscious, partially related to my stresses about grad-work (I'm a writer), but bottom line I should have just bit the bullet and met him. Regardless, things still seemed OK and we'd even discussed meeting her friend and I thought that was going to happen. But then she asked for a break.

 

She's 28, I'm 27. Neither of us have a ton of relationship history. This was her longest relationship. There was never any kind of jealousy on my part, nor was there any real enmeshment that I perceived. We spent quite a bit of time apart actually because of our artistic pursuits. I have some social anxieties that she knew about, but I mean things generally seemed healthy.

 

She asked for a one-week break because she said she was feeling severely depressed. She started counseling. I started counseling for my social anxiety. Basically we said we'd both work on each other during the break.

 

I have a TREMENDOUSLY DIFFICULT time dealing with the break. This is something I've actually been working on with my therapist: impulse control. I talk to her several times during the week, including one text message I sent that made her think I wanted to break up. She immediately calls me and we have an emotional discussion and decide that we're not going to do the break. We're supposed to see each other that Friday (or so I think). Friday rolls around, we don't see each other. Her memories of our conversation are different and she says we're still on a break but that she'll see me on Sunday.

 

We see each other Sunday. It's sad. She wants more time and says that she really needs me to respect her need for space. I agree.

 

I have a hard time during the week. IMPULSE. CONTROL. I don't text or phone her excessively or anything, but there are a couple of days where I do text her and tell her I'm having a hard time and I would like to see her. No response.

 

Break extends into third week. I email her apologizing for breach of space (I know this is space-violating itself, but I couldn't just let well enough alone).

 

The next day she sends me a very stern email that DEMANDS one month of space with no contact whatsoever.

 

This seems like a very disproportionate response to me based on what's been happening and I'm blown away. I'm hurt. How can someone who supposedly cares about me impose something like that. Doesn't she realize how that would affect me?

 

I send her a text saying that I think we need to end things. I send her an email the next day reaffirming as much, with more details. It was melodramatic, but I broke it off. I said that one month was too much. I do say that I want to talk to her about all this.

 

At the time I meant it, and it might even be the right decision, but I do love this girl and I think that we've regrettably been caught up in a little bit of drama. Ultimately, I do not want to break up with her.

 

It's been 4 days and she hasn't acknowledged my break-up messages, although she has expressed anger to a mutual friend and asked him if she could give him some of my stuff to return to me.

 

I want things to settle down before I reach out to her again, but I also want her to know that I don't want this to be the end of things. Trying so hard not to text her right now

 

Thanks for reading this long message, I appreciate any advice.

 

Women are moody critical selfish creatures that always look for their own advantage. We as men think we can make them happy. It's a joke. They use and look, use and look and when they see something better then you are trash and it's the next guy that gets used. Eventually as the woman ages she realizes beauty is fleeting and comes to the realization that it's time to settle because something better is not gonna come at some point in the near future. So she settles and is unhappy and most likely the relationship or marriage will be miserable. Women are decietful and can not be trusted. I know some will take offense for me putting this truth out there but oh well because guys need to know. Don't get me wrong, there are some truly decent women out there, but it is like one hundreth of one percent that can fit that bill. The rest only think of themselves. Sorry girls but inside you know it's true. Let her go and you will ultimately be happier. Look at the full scope of your life. Does she really matter? Any girl can give you some sex man.

[KatZee]

It's been 4 days and she hasn't acknowledged my break-up messages, although she has expressed anger to a mutual friend and asked him if she could give him some of my stuff to return to me.

 

I want things to settle down before I reach out to her again, but I also want her to know that I don't want this to be the end of things. Trying so hard not to text her right now

 

Thanks for reading this long message, I appreciate any advice.

 

You need to stop. Seriously, STOP.

 

Do NOT reach out to her again. She doesn't find it endearing. She's not contemplating taking you back. You've pushed and prodded long enough for her to now get angry.

 

My ex did this same thing to me, and I had to get angry as well. It was the only way to make him stop. So I'm going to tell you from the "anger dumper's" perspective... STOP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

 

You've pushed her so far away that any chance you MAY have had for reconciliation in the future is so far gone. It's blown away like dust in the wind. I promise you that the next time you hear from her, it's going to be her cursing you out, and saying things you really don't want to hear.

 

In my case, I had to tell my ex that I was with someone new, that I didn't want to be with him, didn't see a future with him, never had, wasn't in love with him, etc etc. Are you prepared for that? If not, then keep your fingers off the phone.

 

Everyone here gets it. The needy, clingy, desperate ex act has been done over and over again. You don't want it to be over. Unfortunately, SHE DOES. And you can't force someone into being with you. You can't convince someone to love you or want to make it work out, you can't convince someone to try. She needs to want it for herself.

 

Right now, all she wants to do is be away from you. She doesn't even want to return your belongings in person, but through a third party. If she had ever wanted you back, she knew exactly where to find you.

 

If you want any and I mean ANY hope from this now dismal situation, you will leave her alone. And I truly say this in the nicest way possible. You need to realize what you're doing.

 

I did the same thing your ex did. I was unsure about my bf at the time. I asked for space. He didn't give it. We just fell back together. I asked for space again. Just time to think and get my thoughts straight. He didn't give it to me. The final straw was when I just exploded and dumped him.

[Chi townD]

Rule of thumb.

 

Taking a break = breaking up.

 

It's just that the one person is too much of a coward to pull the trigger. Another thing about taking a break is sometimes means that there's someone else in the picture. Someone that she's interested in and she can't make a move with you in the picture. I'm a little concerned about her best friend and that she wanted you to meet HIM.

 

Sometimes, a person wants a break to pursue another interest and see if it's going to pan out. If it doesn't, well she's only on a break with you. So, you're the backup plan. ANd if you find out that she dated during this time. You can't get mad, because "we were on a break!" Don't you love technicalities! Did you even discuss the terms of the "break" i.e. if dating other people was on the table?

 

One week now turns into a month. Now, she's getting angry with you. Well, it's easier to date someone else when you're mad at your boyfriend or girlfriend. They're getting mad at you to give themselves permission and to blame you for it. "Well, if he wasn't such a douche rocket, I wouldn't be going out with 'John'. So it's his fault!"

 

If she wants space, then give it to her....permanantly. Time to heal and move on.