Need mature

[h-e-l-p]

Hi im new here and have never done anything like this before so dont bite .....

Well as you know I have a relationship problem big time, Im going to start with the root of the problem well about a month ago I came off a weeks holiday and went to see my gf only to find when eaten at the table that she said she was not sure if she wanted to be with me so I was not really bothered as I didnt think it was serious, but then she broke up with me for a week complete shock as I have never had this with her (been together for 5 years) So when she got back I spoiled her rotten as I thought (wake up call maybe I have been a bit mean over the last year and got caught up in a routine) and we got back together.

 

Now since then she has not been the same , sex drive has died completely , she has not put no effort in the relationship as I have , I feel im carrying all the weight of the realtionship on my shoulders, (I feel as if the tables have turned and she is in controll a bit) and the other night I spoke to her on the phone and shes been going out with friends more and wanting to see them more etc, So I broke up over the phone due to stress and hung up on her, Now its been a couple of days and have not heard a thing , I dont know what to do please help need mature sensiable advice. Appreciate it x

[h-e-l-p]

So what do you think I should do ? I do miss her, but she has changed so much in the space of a month? Anyone ???

Edited October 4, 2012 by h-e-l-p

[Chi townD]

Sorry you're going through this. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

 

Sounds like she has a case of the G.I.G.S. (Grass Is Greener Syndrome). She goes out partying with her friends a lot and is a a cold fish with you. Unfortunately,she's craving that right now and you're nothing more than an after thought or thorn in her side that was keeping her from going out and partying. And to be completely honest, these "friends" that she's going out with? It wouldn't shock me in the least if one of these "friends" is a guy.

 

Here's the deal. You deserve better. You don't need to be treated like a second hand citizen. Trust me when I say this, but there are girls out there that aren't into the party lifestyle 24/7 and would appreciate a night home with her man curled up on the couch; cuddling and sharing a tub of popcorn and enjoying a movie.

 

One day, your Ex is going to wake up and realize that the party scene might be fun for a while, but then it leaves you feeling more alone and hollow at the end of the night and she's going to start thinking about you. That's probably when she'll try and reach out to you. But, I pray when and if that happens you would have already moved on and she'll be the one that feels rejected.

 

Start NC, time to heal and move on. She made her choice and unfortunately (and sad for your Ex when you think about it) she chose a party over you. How sad is that? How shallow is that? One day, she'll wake up and realize what she lost.

[Calico]

So what do you think I should do ? I do miss her, but she has changed so much in the space of a month? Anyone ???

 

The thing is, most people don't actually change so quickly. They start changing sooner already, detach slowly, process their thoughts, sort quietly through everything, maybe talk to friends or your eventual replacement -- and when the change manifests visibly or shows in form of altered behaviour, it's much like the tip of an iceberg. You just didn't notice it before.

[h-e-l-p]

Sorry you're going through this. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

 

Sounds like she has a case of the G.I.G.S. (Grass Is Greener Syndrome). She goes out partying with her friends a lot and is a a cold fish with you. Unfortunately,she's craving that right now and you're nothing more than an after thought or thorn in her side that was keeping her from going out and partying. And to be completely honest, these "friends" that she's going out with? It wouldn't shock me in the least if one of these "friends" is a guy.

 

Here's the deal. You deserve better. You don't need to be treated like a second hand citizen. Trust me when I say this, but there are girls out there that aren't into the party lifestyle 24/7 and would appreciate a night home with her man curled up on the couch; cuddling and sharing a tub of popcorn and enjoying a movie.

 

One day, your Ex is going to wake up and realize that the party scene might be fun for a while, but then it leaves you feeling more alone and hollow at the end of the night and she's going to start thinking about you. That's probably when she'll try and reach out to you. But, I pray when and if that happens you would have already moved on and she'll be the one that feels rejected.

 

Start NC, time to heal and move on. She made her choice and unfortunately (and sad for your Ex when you think about it) she chose a party over you. How sad is that? How shallow is that? One day, she'll wake up and realize what she lost.

 

Thank you so much for being understanding, everything you say is on point, Im just not the type to be out partying all the time and feel unappreciated, I know your right but obviously as my first love I feel it will be hard and I do think of her all the time its crazy I know but I dont know, I think weird thoughts of her sleeping with other men and this makes me angry and hurts to think of this. Will I ever fall in love again will I ever fall out of love with her??? Really want to know the answer to this??

[h-e-l-p]

The thing is, most people don't actually change so quickly. They start changing sooner already, detach slowly, process their thoughts, sort quietly through everything, maybe talk to friends or your eventual replacement -- and when the change manifests visibly or shows in form of altered behaviour, it's much like the tip of an iceberg. You just didn't notice it before.

 

Your right!! I trusted her too much I never wanted to face any problems which did occur in the past maybe this is where i went wrong? ( Such a bummer really wanted her to be the one First love dead after 5 years its killing me to think im going to be alone)

[Calico]

Your right!! I trusted her too much I never wanted to face any problems which did occur in the past maybe this is where i went wrong? ( Such a bummer really wanted her to be the one First love dead after 5 years its killing me to think im going to be alone)

 

It happened to me too, after four years (wasn't my first love, but the most intense so far). Don't beat yourself up over it. It's really about her, not about you, and there is probably nothing you could have done anyway. People sometimes change even without anything actually being wrong.

 

You cannot be 24/7 alert and try to make life as perfect as possible for a partner. If she didn't communicate with you if she felt that things weren't the way she would have liked them, then that's on her and not on you. (But it doesn't matter because it doesn't change the situation how it is now. And you have to deal with what is "now".)

 

No point in blaming yourself. If you think there were things you could have done better (but nothing as extreme as giving up yourself and your own needs), then remember those lessons for your next relationship. You'll love again, and you'll see that the next woman will be fantastic.

[h-e-l-p]

It happened to me too, after four years (wasn't my first love, but the most intense so far). Don't beat yourself up over it. It's really about her, not about you, and there is probably nothing you could have done anyway. People sometimes change even without anything actually being wrong.

 

You cannot be 24/7 alert and try to make life as perfect as possible for a partner. If she didn't communicate with you if she felt that things weren't the way she would have liked them, then that's on her and not on you. (But it doesn't matter because it doesn't change the situation how it is now. And you have to deal with what is "now".)

 

No point in blaming yourself. If you think there were things you could have done better (but nothing as extreme as giving up yourself and your own needs), then remember those lessons for your next relationship. You'll love again, and you'll see that the next woman will be fantastic.

 

Thank you I really appreciate the help just so exhausted from this is all you have been a great help to me thank you again, Lets hope I find someone normal and mature even at a young age lets hope this is possible. Life is hard when stuff like this happens.

[h-e-l-p]

Its been a couple of days and shes already trying to ring me any advice on what to do ? Shall I answer ignore I just dont know what to do???

[h-e-l-p]

Its been a couple of days and shes already trying to ring me any advice on what to do ? Shall I answer ignore I just dont know what to do???

 

Really need to know??

[NavyAirTraffic]

Its been a couple of days and shes already trying to ring me any advice on what to do ? Shall I answer ignore I just dont know what to do???

 

Read the treads. From what I have heard, anything less than "I'm sorry, I want you back, biggest mistake ever" is just breadcrumbs, just leading you along. I'm not in a good place right now either, so maybe someone else has better advice.

[Calico]

Its been a couple of days and shes already trying to ring me any advice on what to do ? Shall I answer ignore I just dont know what to do???

 

It's a decision you need to make for yourself.

 

I can tell you what I did, though. My ex contacted me on the second and third day of NC, telling me she missed me, wanting to know how I was, and she was worried. I gave in and called her up, all hopeful and full of wishful thinking. Nothing had changed, though, and surprisingly, she was even more distant than before. And she still was with the new guy. Really the opposite behaviour of what I felt her reaching out had implied. I ended up hurting more for it, but it also gave me a stronger sense of closure.

 

I haven't broken NC since (been a month) because that experience was traumatic enough to drive the lesson home. But I also had exposed myself to a couple of weeks of torture before that, of begging, pleading, arguing, trying to "sell" myself. So, I was definitely ready for NC and very badly needed it for myself. Whether you are at this point or need to talk more to her (and hurt a bit more) before you are ready to let go, only you know.

[h-e-l-p]

It is crazy isn't it, hahaha how the hell did we end up in this position im actually laughing at how ridiculous this is , I feel as if I will be happier on my own now just had enough , mate all you can do is laugh and you will feel better hope you get to that better place you seek, dont worry there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[h-e-l-p]

It's a decision you need to make for yourself.

 

I can tell you what I did, though. My ex contacted me on the second and third day of NC, telling me she missed me, wanting to know how I was, and she was worried. I gave in and called her up, all hopeful and full of wishful thinking. Nothing had changed, though, and surprisingly, she was even more distant than before. And she still was with the new guy. Really the opposite behaviour of what I felt her reaching out had implied. I ended up hurting more for it, but it also gave me a stronger sense of closure.

 

I haven't broken NC since (been a month) because that experience was traumatic enough to drive the lesson home. But I also had exposed myself to a couple of weeks of torture before that, of begging, pleading, arguing, trying to "sell" myself. So, I was definitely ready for NC and very badly needed it for myself. Whether you are at this point or need to talk more to her (and hurt a bit more) before you are ready to let go, only you know.

 

Funny enough I have already had this hurt thing happen then she was worse I felt unwanted no effort was being made etc but She keeps ringing and i dont know if i should just ignore or answer , man the choices that are put in front of us are crazy , you just dont know what route is the right way.