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Hi everyone. Sorry this is SO long and I totally understand if you don’t read it all or respond, but it feels so good to get this all down.

 

Aside from a few random freak out posts on here, I haven’t posted much or told much of my story. It’s been 4 months since my ex and I broke up (we are both 28 btw) and even though I was more heart-broken than I ever have been and thought I’d never get over it, I am much better these days. I’ve been seeing a therapist since June who has been helpful to wrap my mind around everything that happened and everything I’m feeling. I still get upset and cry probably twice a week, but that’s worlds of a difference than how I was over the Summer.

 

My ex and I met last year over Labor Day, through a friend who had no intention on setting us up. While we got along great and I definitely felt something the day we met, he didn’t pursue anything initially, and being a pseudo “Rules” girl, I wasn’t about to ask him out. About a month later he emailed me out of the blue and we started an online/texting situation and I invited him to my birthday party. A week after that he asked me out. He did all the work the first couple of months and I totally fell for him. Everything started so organically and I was thrilled I was able to meet someone I actually liked and had so many things in common with without having to go to Match.com or something (online dating makes me VERY uncomfortable, btw).

 

Things were progressing at what I would consider a normal rate over the next several months - we slowly met each other’s friends, I met his family when they were in town for his birthday and we had plans for him to meet mine. He was always telling me how pretty I am, how he would brag to his work friends about his awesome girlfriend, how happy he was with me, etc. I was elated, I felt the same way about him and didn't hide it.

 

When we first settled into the relationship, after month 2 maybe, we were together 6 nights a week. This gradually became less since he is one of the busiest people I’ve ever met. I didn’t mind not seeing him as much because I have other things to do too - I didn’t feel like I needed to see him every day. But then I started noticing that on days we didn’t see each other, I would usually be the one to check in to say hi, whether it was a text or phone call. Then even on nights that we would see each other, he would still be in work mode, on his computer or on the phone, while we ate dinner. Then we would have sex, then he would be on his iPad until we went to bed. Sometimes I would get frustrated and say something to him about this, but I honestly am not good at communicating and being honest about my feelings, and I never really pressed any issues. I should note, though, that the weekends were the exact opposite. We would go on dates, on trips out of town, and he would be totally engaged and awesome. He also did a lot of those little things that showed me he loved me, things that I always thought were lacking in other relationships I’ve been in. This is why I saw so much potential and kept things up despite not being 100% happy all the time.

 

Around the 6 month mark I had a health scare and he totally dropped the ball - never really engaged when I would talk about it, didn’t really offer any words of support or encouragement, and was 45 minutes late to pick me up for dinner the night of the minor procedure I had. I hate causing drama, and realize now that I should have made a bigger deal out of this, but at the time I just rationalized it like I did everything else. But he could tell something was bothering me so we had a conversation, I told him it didn’t really seem like he cared about me, he made excuses, of course he cares, etc. In my head while we were having this conversation I KNEW I should have broken up with him. I knew it. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I did. Things kind of got better, but six weeks later we had a weird conversation about love (we had kind of starting saying it to each other (he is the one who started it) but it wasn’t often) and he said he didn’t know how he felt about me. I asked if he saw a future with me and he said yes, he just didn’t know how he felt.

 

After this, we didn’t talk for three days, during which all my friends were convinced he was just freaking out and needed space to think. So I gave it to him, then he called me one night to talk about things. He came over and said he didn’t think he was as into it as I was, felt like I was always pissed because he didn’t have enough time, he didn’t see a future with me. He told me I’m awesome and it’s nothing personal, he just wants to have fun right now (seriously dude? It’s been 7 months. F*ck you). I made him go to his apartment and bring me back my stuff, I wasn’t about to stand there and tell him how he’s wrong (even though he is). This is the thing I’m most proud of - he wanted to break up, so I let him. I didn’t cry, beg or plead... I feel like I left the relationship with my dignity.

 

A few days later I sent him a long email that I had started drafting during those days we didn’t talk. Like I said before, I rationalized a lot and ignored a lot of red flags, so I knew there were things I was thinking that he had no idea about. I thought it was important to get it all out there. Not to make him come back to me or anything, but for my own peace of mind. He responded, but there were a lot of non-answers and non-apologies. It showed me how emotionally unavailable he is, and how he is unwilling to take actual responsibility, and that’s not someone I want to be with.

A week later we exchanged the rest of our things, which was a very polite, business-like meeting, and that was the last time I saw him or had any contact with him. That was 4 months ago tomorrow.

 

I think the health scare was what made him realize he isn’t ready for something serious, even though he told me several times he was serious about me. I think he liked having a girlfriend to have someone to go on double dates with his married friends, show off to his co-workers, and have sex with whenever he wants. But as far as having a partner, someone else who you have a responsibility for - he is not ready for that.

 

So, like I said, I still have my moments (like now!) when I cry over him, and I definitely wish things were different. I wish he were different. But he’s not, and I can’t make him be. I’d like to think that he’s taking this time to work on himself like I am, and that in a year or whatever, when he’s grown up, we’ll find our way back to each other. But I honestly don’t think that’s the case. I don’t think he thinks he has anything to work on.

 

So for all of you who are fresh out of a relationship, there is hope that it won’t always feel like this. I’m probably only 80% there right now, but every day I think about him less and I’ve gotten to a point where if he were to show up at my door right now and ask for another chance, I don’t think I’d say yes.

 

It sucks, but it will suck less, and eventually everything will be fine.

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JustALittleBit

Your post resonated with me... the part about wanting a girlfriend but not a partner, ultimately not being emotionally unavailable...

 

This part - When we first settled into the relationship, after month 2 maybe, we were together 6 nights a week. This gradually became less since he is one of the busiest people I’ve ever met. I didn’t mind not seeing him as much because I have other things to do too - I didn’t feel like I needed to see him every day. But then I started noticing that on days we didn’t see each other, I would usually be the one to check in to say hi, whether it was a text or phone call. Then even on nights that we would see each other, he would still be in work mode, on his computer or on the phone, while we ate dinner. Then we would have sex, then he would be on his iPad until we went to bed. Sometimes I would get frustrated and say something to him about this, but I honestly am not good at communicating and being honest about my feelings, and I never really pressed any issues. I should note, though, that the weekends were the exact opposite. We would go on dates, on trips out of town, and he would be totally engaged and awesome. He also did a lot of those little things that showed me he loved me, things that I always thought were lacking in other relationships I’ve been in. This is why I saw so much potential and kept things up despite not being 100% happy all the time.

 

Not really sure I have anything to say, although I like that you didn't beg or plead. I think you acted really well and that's all you can get out of this. I think maybe people do just go through life at their own pace, it's just a pity that him not being ready had to impact upon you. I really hate that :/ also I read someone once about how if you're in a relationship for its potential you're in it for the wrong reasons, so maybe something to keep in mind for the future.

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Great summary. Now though my curiosity about his career? I work a lot too.

I'm always interested in female opinions & experiences with this.

 

Sorry for your loss and pain but you come across as having recovered well.

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I read someone once about how if you're in a relationship for its potential you're in it for the wrong reasons, so maybe something to keep in mind for the future.

 

I totally agree. And there are a lot of things I'm keeping in mind for the future. I honestly think that this relationship was a huge learning experience for me. I hadn't been with anyone on this level in years, and I learned that I have a lot of growing to do.

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Great summary. Now though my curiosity about his career? I work a lot too.

I'm always interested in female opinions & experiences with this.

 

Sorry for your loss and pain but you come across as having recovered well.

 

He is a teacher - he leaves his apartment by 7AM, works all day, then tutors at night. We wouldn't see each other until 8:30PM, at which time is usually too late to go on a "date" so we would just get take out and watch TV.

I definitely understand that everyone needs their unwind time, and that's what he was doing when he would be on his computer or iPad instead of actually hanging out with me. But this is fixable, he could cut back somewhere. It wasn't just that he worked a lot - it was his priorities.

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JustALittleBit

I think the learning experience is true... I hope to get to that stage at some point too. It's funny because all the bad experiences eventually fade and can be seen as learning experiences, but at the moment I'm mostly just hurt, a bit reflective.. confused. I think my guy was "emotionally unavailable" as well.

 

Is there anything you did after the break up to help you get back on track? I really don't like the amount of time I'm spending thinking about it. I'm not crying anymore, and the really intense emotions have gone, but I'm stuck on the 'what if' 'but maybe...' I just want to accept it and be done with it.

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I think the learning experience is true... I hope to get to that stage at some point too. It's funny because all the bad experiences eventually fade and can be seen as learning experiences, but at the moment I'm mostly just hurt, a bit reflective.. confused. I think my guy was "emotionally unavailable" as well.

 

Is there anything you did after the break up to help you get back on track? I really don't like the amount of time I'm spending thinking about it. I'm not crying anymore, and the really intense emotions have gone, but I'm stuck on the 'what if' 'but maybe...' I just want to accept it and be done with it.

 

Honestly I think the best decision I made was starting therapy. It's helped me deal with issues from my past that I ignored for years, along with figure out this current situation. It's scary at first, but I want a normal fulfilling relationship and I want to get married some day, so I need to figure this stuff out.

I also get really annoyed at myself with how much time I spend thinking about him and reflecting. I think I'm done analyzing the relationship and what went wrong, but I still get sad more than I would like. But when I do, I let myself be sad. I don't fight it. Even if I'm in public or with friends. I cried at a bar a couple of weeks ago, and the night turned into a heart to heart with 3 of my best friends about relationships and feelings.

One thing I accepted almost immediately is that I can't change him. I think this is all him and his issues, and he needs to fix that himself. On paper things were pretty perfect, but deep down it isn't what he wants, and I don't think that has anything to do with me.

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hey in regards to the email you sent, im in a similar position in that i have written a letter to my ex saying how i felt about the BU and things im sorry for and happy memories. but im in 2 minds as to whether to send it or not. everyone always says write a letter and dont send it, but i dont feel as though i got a chance to tell her what i thought.

its a struggle cause one day ill want to send it then the next day i wont. so any advice on how to act?

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hey in regards to the email you sent, im in a similar position in that i have written a letter to my ex saying how i felt about the BU and things im sorry for and happy memories. but im in 2 minds as to whether to send it or not. everyone always says write a letter and dont send it, but i dont feel as though i got a chance to tell her what i thought.

its a struggle cause one day ill want to send it then the next day i wont. so any advice on how to act?

 

I would suggest you hold until you know for sure you want to send it. In my situation, I had no idea what he was thinking during those days we didn't talk, and I had some things I wanted to talk about too. I started writing the email sort of just as talking points, but when he came over it was pretty clear he had no interest in working things out so I didn't bring up any of the things I wanted to. A few days later, I still wanted to say the things to him, so I did. But I did it for me, not to make him change his mind or come back.

I hope that helps!

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todreaminblue
Hi everyone. Sorry this is SO long and I totally understand if you don’t read it all or respond, but it feels so good to get this all down.

 

Aside from a few random freak out posts on here, I haven’t posted much or told much of my story. It’s been 4 months since my ex and I broke up (we are both 28 btw) and even though I was more heart-broken than I ever have been and thought I’d never get over it, I am much better these days. I’ve been seeing a therapist since June who has been helpful to wrap my mind around everything that happened and everything I’m feeling. I still get upset and cry probably twice a week, but that’s worlds of a difference than how I was over the Summer.

 

My ex and I met last year over Labor Day, through a friend who had no intention on setting us up. While we got along great and I definitely felt something the day we met, he didn’t pursue anything initially, and being a pseudo “Rules” girl, I wasn’t about to ask him out. About a month later he emailed me out of the blue and we started an online/texting situation and I invited him to my birthday party. A week after that he asked me out. He did all the work the first couple of months and I totally fell for him. Everything started so organically and I was thrilled I was able to meet someone I actually liked and had so many things in common with without having to go to Match.com or something (online dating makes me VERY uncomfortable, btw).

 

Things were progressing at what I would consider a normal rate over the next several months - we slowly met each other’s friends, I met his family when they were in town for his birthday and we had plans for him to meet mine. He was always telling me how pretty I am, how he would brag to his work friends about his awesome girlfriend, how happy he was with me, etc. I was elated, I felt the same way about him and didn't hide it.

 

When we first settled into the relationship, after month 2 maybe, we were together 6 nights a week. This gradually became less since he is one of the busiest people I’ve ever met. I didn’t mind not seeing him as much because I have other things to do too - I didn’t feel like I needed to see him every day. But then I started noticing that on days we didn’t see each other, I would usually be the one to check in to say hi, whether it was a text or phone call. Then even on nights that we would see each other, he would still be in work mode, on his computer or on the phone, while we ate dinner. Then we would have sex, then he would be on his iPad until we went to bed. Sometimes I would get frustrated and say something to him about this, but I honestly am not good at communicating and being honest about my feelings, and I never really pressed any issues. I should note, though, that the weekends were the exact opposite. We would go on dates, on trips out of town, and he would be totally engaged and awesome. He also did a lot of those little things that showed me he loved me, things that I always thought were lacking in other relationships I’ve been in. This is why I saw so much potential and kept things up despite not being 100% happy all the time.

 

Around the 6 month mark I had a health scare and he totally dropped the ball - never really engaged when I would talk about it, didn’t really offer any words of support or encouragement, and was 45 minutes late to pick me up for dinner the night of the minor procedure I had. I hate causing drama, and realize now that I should have made a bigger deal out of this, but at the time I just rationalized it like I did everything else. But he could tell something was bothering me so we had a conversation, I told him it didn’t really seem like he cared about me, he made excuses, of course he cares, etc. In my head while we were having this conversation I KNEW I should have broken up with him. I knew it. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I did. Things kind of got better, but six weeks later we had a weird conversation about love (we had kind of starting saying it to each other (he is the one who started it) but it wasn’t often) and he said he didn’t know how he felt about me. I asked if he saw a future with me and he said yes, he just didn’t know how he felt.

 

After this, we didn’t talk for three days, during which all my friends were convinced he was just freaking out and needed space to think. So I gave it to him, then he called me one night to talk about things. He came over and said he didn’t think he was as into it as I was, felt like I was always pissed because he didn’t have enough time, he didn’t see a future with me. He told me I’m awesome and it’s nothing personal, he just wants to have fun right now (seriously dude? It’s been 7 months. F*ck you). I made him go to his apartment and bring me back my stuff, I wasn’t about to stand there and tell him how he’s wrong (even though he is). This is the thing I’m most proud of - he wanted to break up, so I let him. I didn’t cry, beg or plead... I feel like I left the relationship with my dignity.

 

A few days later I sent him a long email that I had started drafting during those days we didn’t talk. Like I said before, I rationalized a lot and ignored a lot of red flags, so I knew there were things I was thinking that he had no idea about. I thought it was important to get it all out there. Not to make him come back to me or anything, but for my own peace of mind. He responded, but there were a lot of non-answers and non-apologies. It showed me how emotionally unavailable he is, and how he is unwilling to take actual responsibility, and that’s not someone I want to be with.

A week later we exchanged the rest of our things, which was a very polite, business-like meeting, and that was the last time I saw him or had any contact with him. That was 4 months ago tomorrow.

 

I think the health scare was what made him realize he isn’t ready for something serious, even though he told me several times he was serious about me. I think he liked having a girlfriend to have someone to go on double dates with his married friends, show off to his co-workers, and have sex with whenever he wants. But as far as having a partner, someone else who you have a responsibility for - he is not ready for that.

 

So, like I said, I still have my moments (like now!) when I cry over him, and I definitely wish things were different. I wish he were different. But he’s not, and I can’t make him be. I’d like to think that he’s taking this time to work on himself like I am, and that in a year or whatever, when he’s grown up, we’ll find our way back to each other. But I honestly don’t think that’s the case. I don’t think he thinks he has anything to work on.

 

So for all of you who are fresh out of a relationship, there is hope that it won’t always feel like this. I’m probably only 80% there right now, but every day I think about him less and I’ve gotten to a point where if he were to show up at my door right now and ask for another chance, I don’t think I’d say yes.

 

It sucks, but it will suck less, and eventually everything will be fine.

 

 

Not fresh out of a relationship but I will let you know the crying stops......you are grieving right now for what you perceived to be your future with your ex.....don't feel bad about grieving....all people with heart grieve ....unless you are cold - hearted and then you don't grieve you just don't care.....you will go through many emotions anger ....being one......normally comes after the grieving is over....you have to let yourself go with it....the worst time for me was when i thought i wanted to get back with him.....that is the biggest mistaken feeling that i had to go back would have been a death for me.......everything that i am would have died...sounds dramatic but true.......you might get those urges......my advice is don't follow through with getting back with your ex if you do get them try and remember the break up and how you felt then....i wish you luck this is just your new life and grieving is part of you having a new life without your ex...............you will move on I am not saying it is easy or that it happens quickly....it didnt for me.....mine was a fifteen years plus relationship....you had seven months so you will maybe recover a little quicker than what i did maybe.....people feel heart ache at different levels......i should be used to it....i never am...take it easy on yourself....i wish you hope and a shining new life.......deb

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Not fresh out of a relationship but I will let you know the crying stops......you are grieving right now for what you perceived to be your future with your ex.....don't feel bad about grieving....all people with heart grieve ....unless you are cold - hearted and then you don't grieve you just don't care.....you will go through many emotions anger ....being one......normally comes after the grieving is over....you have to let yourself go with it....the worst time for me was when i thought i wanted to get back with him.....that is the biggest mistaken feeling that i had to go back would have been a death for me.......everything that i am would have died...sounds dramatic but true.......you might get those urges......my advice is don't follow through with getting back with your ex if you do get them try and remember the break up and how you felt then....i wish you luck this is just your new life and grieving is part of you having a new life without your ex...............you will move on I am not saying it is easy or that it happens quickly....it didnt for me.....mine was a fifteen years plus relationship....you had seven months so you will maybe recover a little quicker than what i did maybe.....people feel heart ache at different levels......i should be used to it....i never am...take it easy on yourself....i wish you hope and a shining new life.......deb

 

Wow.. 15 years. I can't imagine that. That's really building a life together. Part of me feels silly that it was only 7 months and it's had this big of an impact on me. I spent the majority of my 20's single (dated and had flings here and there, but no boyfriends) because I have a hard time trusting people. But when my ex and I got together, he seemed different so I let my guard down and let him in. And he broke my heart. And this was the first relationship I've had that ended not on my terms. The lack of control here is frustrating too.

I can't ever see myself approaching him to get back together. Many things would have to change and even if he promised to change, I don't think I would trust it. I said this on another post somewhere, but if we were to get back together, it would have to be him contacting me, him putting in the effort. If we were to reconcile because of my action, I would always wonder if it's what he actually wanted. And I don't want to go through life second guessing if someone genuinely wants to be with me.

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todreaminblue
Wow.. 15 years. I can't imagine that. That's really building a life together. Part of me feels silly that it was only 7 months and it's had this big of an impact on me. I spent the majority of my 20's single (dated and had flings here and there, but no boyfriends) because I have a hard time trusting people. But when my ex and I got together, he seemed different so I let my guard down and let him in. And he broke my heart. And this was the first relationship I've had that ended not on my terms. The lack of control here is frustrating too.

I can't ever see myself approaching him to get back together. Many things would have to change and even if he promised to change, I don't think I would trust it. I said this on another post somewhere, but if we were to get back together, it would have to be him contacting me, him putting in the effort. If we were to reconcile because of my action, I would always wonder if it's what he actually wanted. And I don't want to go through life second guessing if someone genuinely wants to be with me.

 

 

15 years was a long time....i feel pretty stupid actually about staying so long considering i knew that he cheated multiple times.....it got to the point where i wasnt me anymore.....just functioned for my family that's who i was......i thought about going back i really did....that's because i have issues with intimacy.......takes me quite a while to open up in a relationship, i have a tribe of kids and i feel unfair in dragging someone into my life....with what has been my life.......i dont trust my ex.....I cant ever trust him with my heart again...i Prayed for that answer a long time ago and got given it....by feeling ill about the whole situation....so i took control.....you said you don't think you can trust your ex...you cant....and you wont.......took me quite a few years to listen to the answer i got..........i have been plodding on my turtle pace dealing with things as i feel them, accepting how i feel, sad bad blue and glad......just letting my heart feel what it wants to feel ....without medication to numb it......i have also felt attraction for someone else....i would have avoided this before...i am not avoiding it....and i am allowing myself to feel this desire i have....its difficult.....i actually told him i had feelings for him.....that was a first i dont do that for years and even then i have always had that person I had an attraction for move first....but i am different to how i used to be ....haven't been like this for a long time....so accepting of what i feel......normally i would numb it with medication or alcohol...i am not doing this...im relying on the church i joined my heart my family good friends new friends and just me straight......i am insecure straight......the majority of the time...i just pray to give me strength and hold my head up.....i am better than i have been since i was a teen.......in fact even before......

 

 

i am sticking to what i believe in..ill not change back..so should you.....trust your heart.......i send my hope for you...i have plenty to give.......hugs to ya.....deb

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Thanks for the hope and the hugs Deb (that's my mom's name btw)

It takes me a while to open up too, and before I met my ex I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't be able to, ever. It's hard to be vulnerable like that. But I was (kind of) able to with him, so at least I know I can. And being in therapy has taught me how to be more honest about my feelings, even if it's just with myself or with my friends. Like the night at the bar where I cried - a few months ago I would have just gone home if I could feel the tears coming. So that's progress I suppose.

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todreaminblue
Thanks for the hope and the hugs Deb (that's my mom's name btw)

It takes me a while to open up too, and before I met my ex I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't be able to, ever. It's hard to be vulnerable like that. But I was (kind of) able to with him, so at least I know I can. And being in therapy has taught me how to be more honest about my feelings, even if it's just with myself or with my friends. Like the night at the bar where I cried - a few months ago I would have just gone home if I could feel the tears coming. So that's progress I suppose.

 

It is progress anything every step you take forward is progress.I find it especially hard to put myself in vulnerable positions with my heart and that is what it is leaving your heart open.When i do leave myself vulnerable like that i often get hurt.I just pray for peace after and strength to get over that hurt......i have let down my barriers lately all my fears i have left them out there....

 

 

what happens happens...i dont have control over who will hurt me or who wont.......i cant control how other people are with me or how they feel about me....I can however control what i do after.....i recently prayed for the strength to let things happen and for me to be able to show how i feel....without being a freak....lol....i had a really peaceful feeling come over me.....i suffer from chronic shyness when i have feelings for people or something is important to me ...i become insecure....scared.....so i prayed for strength to handle my own emotions and not worry about how i am perceived....as far as crying goes.....i can be a sook...so dontcha worry i have cried oceans of tears......normally in private......had one public situation myself.....

 

recently....that was due to actual physical pain and residual memories...had to sit there and let the tears fall because i didnt want to get up as my leg would maybe not have held my weight and couldnt risk it so i sat there and let them come....trapped.the more i wanted to get up and leave the more the tears fell..and maybe i just needed it out.....dont be hard on yourself you are making progress......you will find your day in the sun....seek and ye shall find.....heres another hug for your journey dont forget the vegemite...vitamin b is the best..xxdeb

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