She broke up w/me & now I don't know what to expect

[blue4life]

It's bad to feel what I am feeling, but at least it's good to be here sharing with you.

 

I'm a 32yo and have been married for almost 10 years, and we've been together for more than 13 years. We have two beautiful daughters (4 and 9 yo).

About 2 months ago she told me that she wanted to separate from me, after she found I was looking at porn on my cell phone. She said she was tired of me, of my negativity, my poor anger management and my poor social skills, so I left home and I've been living on my own since about 1 mo. Soon after this happened I started psychotherapy and developed an interested in being more in touch with my spiritual side (I'm an atheist), so started reading about buddhism and meditation, after a couple of weeks we started talking again, I sincerely apologized to her for everything bad that I made to her and to my children, she agreed with me that it was better to be separated for some time and after a few months see how we feel and what we want, I agreed with her, it was a very warm conversation. Even though I've been in therapy for only a month I feel I can cope better with my negative emotions, and I feel much more satisfied with my emotional reactions, she's been noticing that too and said it was good, and we agreed to go out to have dinner one day and everything went ok, she said she still had doubts about our relationship, that she feels like she wants to be alone now and that she feels fine without me. Anyway, that day, she acceded to go to marriage counseling with me to see what comes out of it. To be honest,for me, our relationship wasn't going well since a couple of years, we didn't have many fights and spend some lovely vacations with the kids and the rest of the time wasn't that bad either, but sex and affection was a constant problem for me, and whenever I asked for affection or for her to be more involved in bed she gave me the cold shoulder.

A couple of days ago she asked me take care of our daughters after work because she was going to be late at home (because of work), I cooked something she liked and we had dinner together, and everything was fine until I started talking about our relationship, then she turned bitter, said she didn't see anything good in me, that she was going to counseling just to be absolutely sure about her feelings and that I shouldn't be having many hopes about our relationship because she's not sure if she wants to try again.

 

I know that I have made many mistakes in the past, but I also know that I can't do nothing to change the past, my main worry now is to make the future a better place, to assure my well being and the well being of my daighters, I'm pretty sure now that I love her (I've been doubting for some time), but I also realize that if we ever become a couple again, the two of us have to be 100% in it. What confuses me, and makes me feel very hurt sometimes, is that some of her actions seem to imply that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she has also said terrible words to me (even though she apologized later by mail) and seems to prefer to be alone than with me again.

 

Thank you to everyone that participates in the forum because it makes me feel less pain to read your experiences and advice, and because it makes me realize that I'm not going to feel like this forever and I sometimes I feel the certainty that there will be one day when this won't have the importance it has now, and everything is going to be all right.

[yoman38]

I understand your pain, but now is the time to keep focusing on that inner journey and working on yourself. It'a time to take two more steps back from this relationships and step into your heart

[blue4life]

Thank you for your kind reply, I'll keep trying to improve myself while I'm at this, I'll start a meditation course in a couple of weeks and feel very excited about it.

Tomorrow we're going to therapy and I wish everything goes fine. Thank you again!

[blue4life]

It's so hard to live this moment right now.

 

We went to therapy today and she said she doesn't believe we can be a couple again, and that confuses me a lot, because I just don't see the reason to go to therapy together if she believes that... I think she's so confused she doesn't see things clearly, but in the meanwhile I can't go on with my life because I'm forced to see her at therapy, and I keep hoping we go back together and also I've got to maintain some contact with her because of our children.

 

I know that I'm doing things to improve myself and firmly believe that I've got to do it, that's why I see a chance in coming back and be a better couple, but on the other side, I can't do it if she doesn't give me a chance. I'm just confused on what to do, how much contact should I have with her?

[blue4life]

Just a follow up after a few months, we went to therapy for about 4 months, then I moved back into the house, we went on vacation together, everything seemed OK, not great but our relationship was a lot better.

Then, suddenly, she started to be cold again, didn't want to talk to me, and after a month or so of this crisis, we decided that it was enough, said she didn't loved me anymore, that she wasn't able to forgive me and that she couldn't change everything I wanted her to change.

To make a long story short:

 

1. I still love her, but I know we are still very inmature and I have difficulty coping with bad emotions or loneliness

 

2. I can see that she doesn't love me as she used to, but I talked to her and she wasn't completely sure about her decision.

 

3. We were planning a trip for the next month (to celebrate my birthday) and I told her what my expectations were (that I wanted us to be back together). She said we should try it and see what happens.

 

4. I feel that in order to grow up, both of us need to be on our own for some time. And in order to be back for good she has to decide for herself that she wants to be with me and be sure of it, because everytime we face a problem she gets overwhelmed by it all.

 

I am very confused, what's right in a situation like this? How much time should I wait until she makes her mind?

 

Thanks everyone.

[andre84]

Blue4life - I feel for you and your situation is very rough because you have kids involved and 13 years under your belt. I'm coming out of a 3 year relationship (5 years knowing the person who was one of my best friends) and I moved across country for her. In a lot of ways reading your story reminded me of what my ex expressed over the last few months... At this point I'm 28 and shes 25.

 

Because of the life you have built together you have to make sure and give her space but also fight like theres no tomorrow when the time comes. But I think she needs to be the one to come to you... If you have made all your feelings known to her at least.

 

I basically poured my heart out to my ex 6 days ago and like you, I was guilty of neglecting/some bad times over the last year. But at the end of the day even with all the information I gave her, she could not see us working out. At this point I'm still hopeful for a future with her, but I also know that if she REALLY loved me... then she would find a way to work things out. Of course the guilt is what gets to me... That I ruined the best thing that had happened to me. I also know that I deserve someone that loves me as much as I love her. So when people say this is a rollercoaster, it really is true!

 

At this point I don't know if a timetable works... You should just move on in terms of trying to find things to make you a better person and give her as much time as she needs.

 

At this point one of my buddies is going through the same thing I'm going through. GF of 4 years who he has lived with for the last 2-3 just left him. (He's not perfect by any means) but I think women tend to start checking out early and once they are ready to take the plunge they drop all this on you and you are left like crap and didn't have a chance to do anything.

 

Now I have to say that I take a lot of the responsibility from my side, because I was seriously depressed most of last year and I let it affect our RS without seeking help. She almost walked away many times and I felt numb and did not care... My problem is that somehow after the year ended, I started feeling 100% better and I was in love once again like the 1st day. But by this point it was too late and a month later she still broke up with me.

 

Anyways you have a lot to fight for but remember that it takes two to tango.

 

Good luck.

[DreamLost]

Hi blue4life,

 

It all boils down to how much you are willing to give and it is important that you keep the family together for the kids. I suggest not thinking about what you want for a second and think about what is important to your wife - is it the kids? Is your reaction to some of the things putting her off?

 

I think you will need just as much time thinking things over as she does.

 

DreamLost

[Infnitysign]

Self improvement is the best way to show someone you care about yourself and by improving yourself it shows you respect yourself. When you respect yourself your wife won't disrespect you with harsh words and cold body language. She will eventually learn to love you again.

 

Well thats how I did it when I was a negative and unmotivated person.

[Chi townD]

You need to start doing the 180.

 

Here's the list.

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
   
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
   
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don't schedule dates together.
   
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
    
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
    
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
    
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
    
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
    
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
    
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
    
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
    

This will show her that you're not such a bad guy to hang around with; however, that you're planning on moving on WITHOUT her. That may scare her and possibly want to come back.

 

But, if it doesn't work, then by doing the 180, you've already started to disconnect from the marriage and separation will be a little easier on you.

[blue4life]

Thanks everyone for your words, even though I rationally can perceive what it's wrong, somehow I let my emotions get in the way.

 

I can sometimes feel that some part of her wants to try again, but I'm not sure about her reasons being the best ones, I can see (because she barely speaks to me about it) that she's having second thoughts 'cause she doesn't want our daughters to suffer about this, or because we were going to buy a house next year and were planning a life together. But it has to be love the reason, if she doesn't have the strength to keep fighting for our relationship it will still be a bad deal for both of us.

 

andre84, it was so nice to read your words because you took the time and strength to say something to me even though you're going through an internal turmoil that's tearing you apart. I think sometimes one is better at giving advice than receiving it because emotions are so difficult to deal with. I wish you the best and I hope someday all of these will be nothing more than a nice memory from your young days, just like I like to think for myself.

 

Hugs for everyone

Edited April 27, 2013 by blue4life

[TheFriend]

i am just like you blue, i was a heavy athiest or maybe agnostic, but now due to this breakup i have really found this spiritual side, it is nice knowing that we are meant for so much more then nothing....

 

i dont know if this will help you or not but look in to this book. it is really helping me get through my break up.

 

Soul Mastery by susann taylor shier

[zendon73]

It's bad to feel what I am feeling, but at least it's good to be here sharing with you.

 

I'm a 32yo and have been married for almost 10 years, and we've been together for more than 13 years. We have two beautiful daughters (4 and 9 yo).

About 2 months ago she told me that she wanted to separate from me, after she found I was looking at porn on my cell phone. She said she was tired of me, of my negativity, my poor anger management and my poor social skills, so I left home and I've been living on my own since about 1 mo. Soon after this happened I started psychotherapy and developed an interested in being more in touch with my spiritual side (I'm an atheist), so started reading about buddhism and meditation, after a couple of weeks we started talking again, I sincerely apologized to her for everything bad that I made to her and to my children, she agreed with me that it was better to be separated for some time and after a few months see how we feel and what we want, I agreed with her, it was a very warm conversation. Even though I've been in therapy for only a month I feel I can cope better with my negative emotions, and I feel much more satisfied with my emotional reactions, she's been noticing that too and said it was good, and we agreed to go out to have dinner one day and everything went ok, she said she still had doubts about our relationship, that she feels like she wants to be alone now and that she feels fine without me. Anyway, that day, she acceded to go to marriage counseling with me to see what comes out of it. To be honest,for me, our relationship wasn't going well since a couple of years, we didn't have many fights and spend some lovely vacations with the kids and the rest of the time wasn't that bad either, but sex and affection was a constant problem for me, and whenever I asked for affection or for her to be more involved in bed she gave me the cold shoulder.

A couple of days ago she asked me take care of our daughters after work because she was going to be late at home (because of work), I cooked something she liked and we had dinner together, and everything was fine until I started talking about our relationship, then she turned bitter, said she didn't see anything good in me, that she was going to counseling just to be absolutely sure about her feelings and that I shouldn't be having many hopes about our relationship because she's not sure if she wants to try again.

 

I know that I have made many mistakes in the past, but I also know that I can't do nothing to change the past, my main worry now is to make the future a better place, to assure my well being and the well being of my daighters, I'm pretty sure now that I love her (I've been doubting for some time), but I also realize that if we ever become a couple again, the two of us have to be 100% in it. What confuses me, and makes me feel very hurt sometimes, is that some of her actions seem to imply that she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she has also said terrible words to me (even though she apologized later by mail) and seems to prefer to be alone than with me again.

 

Thank you to everyone that participates in the forum because it makes me feel less pain to read your experiences and advice, and because it makes me realize that I'm not going to feel like this forever and I sometimes I feel the certainty that there will be one day when this won't have the importance it has now, and everything is going to be all right.

 

I can certainly feel your pain as you can probably read from my 4 years down the drain thread.

 

The thing that stinks the most is the age I know you said you are 32 which is young but when you think you are ready to finally be done with dating these situations become a harsh reality. I am 38 and it stinks.

 

Good luck to you I hope you are on your way to recovery.