sendme Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 my ex cheated and cheated and cheated on me... we just went NC for what feels like the bazillionth time, but I really believe I am done with him this time, my question is... as a person, how do I recover after being cheated on, verbally abused, and put down... what did you do to rebuild your self esteem.... I'm hoping its something other than dating other people because there are people floating around my periphery, but I want to build my self esteem on my own not get it from someone else.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mike_d Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 yes time and the realization of how abusive and angry the person must have been with me in order for this to happen. she was crushed, just shattered, when she found out her ex husband before me had done this to her. so somehow she decides that stopping communication, abandoning me emotionally and physically, relying on old HS "friend" behind my back and sneaking/hiding, then decides that she is going to cheat on me "made a concious decision" was how she wrote it out in an email to "her guy", married too he is. I was so shocked, so unwilling to believe when I found out 2 days later, was the equiv of having to believe that somehow I'd grown a 3rd foot. big time denial and negotiating. all the while she is happy to have the roof that I pay for over her head, doesnt want to contribute at all financially, says 'no' outright when I ask for help. me, being of less than sound mind, decides to stay with it since it will be better 'soon'. riiiiight. for me books on self esteem, lots of reading, journaling, acceptance of the situation, I wasn't the one that made that decision, that's not a reflection on me, that's her crap and now she gets to live with it. I wasn't perfect but I was damn sure willing, and nothing that I did could ever get close enough to justify cheating. I'm still working on learning that every day. feels horrible to have someone you feel so close to betray in such a ... sick and twisted way. I almost feel sorry for her. It is affecting my current relationship, but I'm glad to have the opportunity to work through it and not be in that past mess any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 my ex cheated and cheated and cheated on me... we just went NC for what feels like the bazillionth time, but I really believe I am done with him this time, my question is... as a person, how do I recover after being cheated on, verbally abused, and put down... what did you do to rebuild your self esteem.... I'm hoping its something other than dating other people because there are people floating around my periphery, but I want to build my self esteem on my own not get it from someone else.... I have been where you are, verbal abuse is the worst. Self esteem DOES come from within although dating and interacting with others is a tool available to you. These things helped me: Spending time alone; reviving favourite hobbies, particularly reading about things that interest you; spending time with friends who make you laugh; exercise and also lots of walking; lose yourself in good music that lifts your spirits; take good care of yourself with long hot showers/baths, paint your nails, get a haircut, appreciate yourself; socialise - even if you're the only singleton, get out and enjoy meeting new people in busy, noisy places; counselling (if you can afford it) to talk through some beliefs you may hold on to tightly but which you would benefit from having challenged. Any of that of interest to you? Are you doing any of it already? Link to post Share on other sites
headsashed Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 TIME, everything will come in time. I was cheated on numerous times,probably more times than i know of too,it killed me,i was so inlove with this girl and i thought she felt the same,i was wrong. Its been 5 months since we broke up and i feel loads better,at 1st i blamed myself,thought i was ugly and all that and thats why she cheated but with time ive realised its nothing to do with us,they cheated because they are weak and nothing else. I still have small self esteem issues and sometimes i dont know if i could trust another woman again but i know deepdown that not all women are like her and none of this was my fault. Again,this comes with time,take time for yourself and better yourself,its what ive done and im close now to becoming that person i was before i met my ex. Just stay strong and your time will come when you have lots and lots of self esteem/ confidence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 (edited) Yes. My ex cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. We were together for two years when he confessed, and he only confessed because a friend of his ex girlfriend was pushing her to tell me, and he got scared that someone would rat him out. He was never going to tell me. I never even had a clue he cheated, so I know there was no guilt, no remorse, nothing. Apparently 4 months into our relationship he ran into his ex at a party and they had a week long affair of f.ucking and talking s.hit about me, and him confiding in her about how he didn't even know if he wanted to be with me or go back to her. This is hilarious to me because all he did when we got together was talk s.hit about her up and down about what a boring girlfriend she was. How he had been out of love with her for years, miserable, black-out drinking just to "tolerate her." How she was so bad in bed, how she was immature and a brat. Apparently he had wanted to go back to that. Our relationship was never the same after that. I hated him so much. He literally destroyed my world. Where I thought we had something so amazing, he then came out with all of this s.hit he had been keeping inside. It was at the 2 year mark that everything went to crap, he started emotionally abusing me, criticizing me all the time, putting anything and everything above me, confessed to cheating and then refused to even talk about it, just expected I'd "get over it." I was like, are you f.ucking kidding me? Who ARE you? :sick: Our relationship didn't last much longer than that. I wanted to stay and try to work it out because he seemed to be remorseful and swore up and down it was a huge mistake and he loved me and I believed it. Except his actions never matched those words. He acted out of convenience, never really putting much effort into us at all. If I got upset or sad and wanted to talk about it, he would shut down and get angry at ME as if I was the one who ruined our relationship. The longer I stayed with him, the worse about myself I felt. So if you're still with your cheating ex, or hoping to get back, STOP IT. He shattered my confidence, my self-esteem, and any love I had for myself. I look back on conversations we had and I'M EMBARRASSED with how weak and pathetic I made myself look to him. Begging. Pleading. Crying. Asking to work it out, and asking if we were still together. Meanwhile I should have punched him in the face, spit on him, and dumped him right there. I can only imagine how stupid I looked. The longer we remained in NC, the better I felt about myself. I spend a lot of time with myself these days, reflecting, learning about myself, reading self-help books, and understanding why I'd stay with someone who treated me so poorly. I take care of myself, I do things when I want to do them. I don't believe in the saying, "The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one." I think that's horrible advice and it only leads to rebounds and more broken hearts. Go out with your friends, spend time with your family, get a pet to take care of, pamper yourself at the spa or nail salon. Get a new wardrobe... do a makeover. Really connect with yourself. The more you know yourself and understand what you deserve, is when you'll start to love yourself, and your confidence will come back. It's a process and it doesn't happen overnight. Edited September 27, 2012 by KatZee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calico Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Yes, my ex cheated on me for half a year before I learned of it (nearly 4 years of a relationship), and then she strung me along for another few weeks because she couldn't decide who she wanted to be with -- and I was too addicted to her and the relationship to walk away sooner than I eventually did. How to cope with it? It still gets to me often, but what helps a little is to focus on two thoughts: 1) It's good that it's over, because that's preferable to being clueless and getting strung along. It happened, it's over, it's not looming in your future. It also made it very clear what type of person your ex is. The true colors. The action that trumps the meaningless words. It provides clarity, so use it to propel yourself forward. 2) The advantage is that you don't have to fret about your ex getting together with someone else after the breakup. You won't need to obsess over them possibly dating someone else and you won't feel any time pressure to get them back "before it's too late" (this messes up a lot of people). It all already happened and you get the pain upfront, all at once, and not in smaller doses. That makes it harder at first, but in the long run you are much less likely to get pulled back when the ex does date someone else. If you shift your thoughts to this line of thinking, you'll find that the cheating becomes more manageable and makes you feel less powerless. There's always a positive side even to the worst crap that happens to us, and finding that aspect and emphasising it in your mind is the work you have to do to get better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 my ex cheated and cheated and cheated on me... we just went NC for what feels like the bazillionth time, but I really believe I am done with him this time, my question is... as a person, how do I recover after being cheated on, verbally abused, and put down... what did you do to rebuild your self esteem.... I'm hoping its something other than dating other people because there are people floating around my periphery, but I want to build my self esteem on my own not get it from someone else.... Lots of meaningless (safe) sex and countless hours in the gym lifting weights. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JayL Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 If someone cheats on you = walk away. If you gave him/her a chance and they did it again = never look back. Save yourself from these kinds of people. You deserve better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted September 27, 2012 Author Share Posted September 27, 2012 Thank you! This all helps... He's spending tonight with one of the women he cheated on me with, that kills..... But tomorrow I'm leaving for Hawaii so here's to hoping the next 36 hours fly by!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Yep! I got cheated on. And after I caught her, she called me lazy, no goals in life and a loser that is never going to college and will be stuck working dead end jobs for the rest of my life. Then, she informed me that she was going with someone that had a future. That pretty much killed my self esteem and my male ego. But, then I did get motivated. I was determined to prove her wrong. I did go to college and a lot of it. I discovered I loved the challange. I finished college and started my career and exceled in my field. I met my wife (who was a professional woman herself. SO, she didn't NEED me. She WANTED me. Big difference). I've traveled the world. Seen different countries and cultures. Own my own home in the Suburbs and leading a happy life. THAT'S how you get revenge. Lead a damn good life. So, you need to make positive changes in your life. New clothes and new hairstyle will help your self esteem. Go to the gym, run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. That will help you work off your stress and frustrations all the while, giving you a new toned, sexy, rock hard body that will also help your self esteem. Go back to school. If you've finished your undergrad, then go to grad school. Higher degree means more money. Which means a nice townhome and a kick ass ride that you can afford. Then travel!!! Go see the world! Think of a place that you've always wanted to go to. Save your money (talk a girlfriend into going with you) and GO!!!! You meet so many interesting people out in the world. Go meet them!!! Look, sitting around feeling sad and angry. It's normal at first. You're mourning the loss of the relationship. But, you need to get moving. Make those positive changes in your life. TRUST ME!!! You'll feel 10x better when you make positive changes. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
JayL Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Yep! I got cheated on. And after I caught her, she called me lazy, no goals in life and a loser that is never going to college and will be stuck working dead end jobs for the rest of my life. Then, she informed me that she was going with someone that had a future. That pretty much killed my self esteem and my male ego. But, then I did get motivated. I was determined to prove her wrong. I did go to college and a lot of it. I discovered I loved the challange. I finished college and started my career and exceled in my field. I met my wife (who was a professional woman herself. SO, she didn't NEED me. She WANTED me. Big difference). I've traveled the world. Seen different countries and cultures. Own my own home in the Suburbs and leading a happy life. THAT'S how you get revenge. Lead a damn good life. So, you need to make positive changes in your life. New clothes and new hairstyle will help your self esteem. Go to the gym, run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. That will help you work off your stress and frustrations all the while, giving you a new toned, sexy, rock hard body that will also help your self esteem. Go back to school. If you've finished your undergrad, then go to grad school. Higher degree means more money. Which means a nice townhome and a kick ass ride that you can afford. Then travel!!! Go see the world! Think of a place that you've always wanted to go to. Save your money (talk a girlfriend into going with you) and GO!!!! You meet so many interesting people out in the world. Go meet them!!! Look, sitting around feeling sad and angry. It's normal at first. You're mourning the loss of the relationship. But, you need to get moving. Make those positive changes in your life. TRUST ME!!! You'll feel 10x better when you make positive changes. Exactly what I'm doing now. GF didn't want to be with me because according to her, me being too proper turns her off. She did not cheat on me, but now she's seeing someone else days after she cheated on me. I have a strong feeling she's always been talking to this dude the whole time she was with me. I'm 26, I finished my undergrad years ago, I have a career and lucky enough to land on one a month after graduation. Since we broke up 3 weeks ago, I immediately signed up for post grad and now pursuing my designation. Years from now when she's still with that "bad boy slob" who doesn't turn her off, she will realize what kind of gem she let go of. She can enjoy getting treated like crap while I treat my future girlfriend/wife like a gem. I suggest to OP to do the same. The sweetest revenge is to show them in the future what they've missed out on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 Look, sitting around feeling sad and angry. It's normal at first. You're mourning the loss of the relationship. But, you need to get moving. Make those positive changes in your life. TRUST ME!!! You'll feel 10x better when you make positive changes. Thank you for this for all of this... he's been contacting me all day and I finally responded... I was about to call him which would give him my new number but thanks to your encouragement I won't... I'll keep moving forward... this breaking up and cheating has been a cycle that's been going on for a while... I'm already in grad school, I'm actually a second year med student... and I'm very fit, but could always work towards a six pack... so I'll definitely be hitting the gym harder moving forward... and traveling is on the to do list... I went to Vegas two weeks ago with some of my class mates, had a great time... actually had a super time, I was at this concert and a high roller friend of a friend handed me $2,000 told me to go to the black jack table beside me throw it down and say "money plays".... I then proceeded to play over $5,000 of HIS money on the table... it was such a fun "I-can't-believe-this-is-my-life" moment... who does that happen to?.... and this weekend I'm going to Hawaii with some more of my friends from school.... it's just today, tonight, when I know he's with this other girl... that's hard... that hurts.... thank you for the love and support please keep it coming.... I really need to hear it now... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 Exactly what I'm doing now. I suggest to OP to do the same. The sweetest revenge is to show them in the future what they've missed out on. Thank you for the encouragement! Link to post Share on other sites
JayL Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) Thank you for the encouragement! You're welcome. We're all here to support each other through these tough times. By the way.....this probably will make me sound creepy... but, are you that girl on the picture? That ex of yours is pretty stupid, I must say. Edited September 28, 2012 by JayL Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) my ex cheated and cheated and cheated on me... we just went NC for what feels like the bazillionth time, but I really believe I am done with him this time, my question is... as a person, how do I recover after being cheated on, verbally abused, and put down... what did you do to rebuild your self esteem.... I'm hoping its something other than dating other people because there are people floating around my periphery, but I want to build my self esteem on my own not get it from someone else.... I am still dealing with it. I read self help books. That helps alot. That kept me from not going back to him. He was psychologically abusive. I got invovled in humanitarian projects, went back to school, started walking. I get my anger out by posting on LS instead of contacting ho,. I just keep in mind that my ex is very dysfunctional and sick in the head and that keeps me away from him. Edited September 28, 2012 by CopingGal Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Girl, you are doing all the right things. And enjoy life now because once you start your intership, your new home will be the hospital for a while and sleep will be a foreign concept. But, the pay off in the end will be well worth it. You need to be in complete NC with this guy. NC sucks. It really does because of all the emotions involved with ending what you once considered a loving and caring relationship. But, if you stay NC, I promise that one day you're going to wake up and he won't be the first thing on your mind in the morning. THAT'S when you know you're healing. That's your first step with moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 But, if you stay NC, I promise that one day you're going to wake up and he won't be the first thing on your mind in the morning. THAT'S when you know you're healing. That's your first step with moving on. it's not so much the first thing in the morning as it is all day throughout the entire day... I wish he wouldn't just seep into the corners of my day... and I wish he lived further away from me... I have to drive by his place to get to mine... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 my ex cheated and cheated and cheated on me... we just went NC for what feels like the bazillionth time, but I really believe I am done with him this time, my question is... as a person, how do I recover after being cheated on, verbally abused, and put down... what did you do to rebuild your self esteem.... I'm hoping its something other than dating other people because there are people floating around my periphery, but I want to build my self esteem on my own not get it from someone else.... i feel verbal abuse is harder to recover than physical abuse or cheating.....my ex cheated on me numerous times......and the ex before that too......i take responsibility in the sense i stayed with them....the truth is i cut off the caring side of me after a couple of times with my ex it go tto the point where i expected him too......that is until i relocated interstate to make the relationshiop work adn eh did it again.....i actually tried to break it off before i relocated he begged me not too...flew up from interstate that day to stop me from leaving him then after a few years he had an affair that ended us anyway honestly it was hard to get over....i left my family my mum and my sister my best friends my whole life to start anew with him give him that chance to have our kids and me as a family.......its not my fault he was a dick.......thats how i got over it......i realised i didn't deserve that i deserve better.....somebody who appreciates me......and what i am willing to do and what i do bring to a relationship....otherwise im single for life......sick of try nots...i have been single for a long time now ......and its been ....enlightening....... its given me perspective on what i do need from a relationship and from a man and its not what i have gotten in my past that shapes what i want.....its what i didnt get that shaped me.......thats what i need....i dont know if someone who has been affected intensely can truly heal completely..you can move on adn have fulfilling relationships i have to believe that if you are honest then things can be worked out..there is always sadness.its a scar.....sometimes deeper than physical scars which are permanent reminders.for wasted years..but you can get back your hope..you can accept that you have a past and allow yourself to have good and bad days and to vocalise what you are feeling........good luck in your healing.....the biggest healer is time....hope and faith......good luck....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 wow! That's amazing..... thank you so much for sharing... it's all very new... and hurtful.... to think of him with someone else... we were amazing in bed, and yet there was this perpetual chain of other women... its hard... and I think of how deeply he used to love me, how crazy he used to be about me... and then I think of him with some other girl... it kills me... and I know... if I went to his house right now.. he'd open the door and for a few hours I could be the center of his world and it would be passionate and amazing... but then the dawn will come and he'll be mean and viscious and cruel and they'll be another girl waiting for his attention... I want to fast forward... or to be somewhere else... there's an old dashboard confessional song that says "as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone, just making out...." and that's me, except I wish I was with him spending the day in bed.... I hate this... I want to fast forward to where my life works without him.... I know that day will come but it's not here now... Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Once, though I found out after she dumped me (I was a really clingy and stupid 18-year-old). I was doing all of the desperate, clingy, ridiculous "take me back" stuff until I found out she was messing around with another guy. After that it was "se la vie" and I didn't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 wow! That's amazing..... thank you so much for sharing... it's all very new... and hurtful.... to think of him with someone else... we were amazing in bed, and yet there was this perpetual chain of other women... its hard... and I think of how deeply he used to love me, how crazy he used to be about me... and then I think of him with some other girl... it kills me... and I know... if I went to his house right now.. he'd open the door and for a few hours I could be the center of his world and it would be passionate and amazing... but then the dawn will come and he'll be mean and viscious and cruel and they'll be another girl waiting for his attention... I want to fast forward... or to be somewhere else... there's an old dashboard confessional song that says "as for me I wish that I was anywhere with anyone, just making out...." and that's me, except I wish I was with him spending the day in bed.... I hate this... I want to fast forward to where my life works without him.... I know that day will come but it's not here now... that amazing sex you have is partly you you know you bring that to the table so in a new relationship that is loving and supportive and most importantly monogamous for you....that amazing sex will happen again and maybe even be better than what you had before you just need some time to process everything try not to concentrate on the bed time between you and your ex or fantasize about it repeating it's not mean to be repeated once you split....even though you think its better the devil you know it never is......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 You're welcome. We're all here to support each other through these tough times. By the way.....this probably will make me sound creepy... but, are you that girl on the picture? That ex of yours is pretty stupid, I must say. Thanks... yes it's me.... and that was a lovely little ego boost Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 that amazing sex you have is partly you you know you bring that to the table so in a new relationship that is loving and supportive and most importantly monogamous for you....that amazing sex will happen again and maybe even be better than what you had before you just need some time to process everything try not to concentrate on the bed time between you and your ex or fantasize about it repeating it's not mean to be repeated once you split....even though you think its better the devil you know it never is......deb thank you for this! I actually thought about this a lot last night! Keep the input coming its very helpful! Link to post Share on other sites
PlanB123 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 i think you just gotta learn from it. you can remember his character traits--the ones that gave you that gut feeling that he was up to no good. well, now you will be able to spot them much quicker in new guys. i think i can spot those traits in a girl pretty fast now, like within a few hours of being in their company--albeit--i still don't necessarily listen to what my gut is telling me because i soooo want the girl not to be damaged goods like that. i think the old saying 'once a cheat, always a cheat' is painfully true. the best time to get honesty out of a new 'prospect' is right at the beginning. like, literally on the first date. you will be surprised how open a cheater will be about their past when they haven't invested much in you yet. as long as you make out that you are not judging them for it and don't act shocked they will tell you more and more. don't out-right ask them if they have cheated. just weave it gently into a story. you can then make your call before you have become to invested in them yourself. some quotes of wisdom can help too: “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power or our will. ” ― Epictetus To Epictetus, all external events are determined by fate, and are thus beyond our control, but we can accept whatever happens calmly and dispassionately. Individuals, however, are responsible for their own actions which they can examine and control through rigorous self-discipline. Suffering arises from trying to control what is uncontrollable, or from neglecting what is within our power. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted October 10, 2012 Author Share Posted October 10, 2012 “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power or our will. ” ― Epictetus To Epictetus, all external events are determined by fate, and are thus beyond our control, but we can accept whatever happens calmly and dispassionately. Individuals, however, are responsible for their own actions which they can examine and control through rigorous self-discipline. Suffering arises from trying to control what is uncontrollable, or from neglecting what is within our power. I love this! Thank you! ten days NC... he sent me one text message yeseterday simply saying "y?" I didn't fall for the breadcrumb and deleted it immediately... Link to post Share on other sites
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