Very low couple of weeks, need avise

[Gab09]

Well, long story short..

 

I broke up with my ex on the 17th of august.. I don't know who dumped who. I gave her an option, either take off with her girlfriends or stay.. She chose to leave..

 

It's been a long road, with my up days and down days, I guess like most of you guys here.. But just recently, it seems to have gotten a little worse.

 

I've been working out a lot, I go everyday to the gym, run atleast 3 miles, box for an hour and sometimes weights.. Just trying to keep myself busy.

 

It just seems that there was this one last item she had that belonged to me, and I asked her for it a couple of days ago.. I texted her "Hey can you please drop this by when you can, thanks".

 

She of course, didn't reply, she emailed my sister telling her to tell me that she will drop it off tomorrow.. Meaning yesterday.. She didn't.. Today, still nothing.. That is I think the last thing that we could of used as an excuse to see each other, of course, I was not going to try to talk to her or see her.. But we both know this game, quite familiar with it.

 

It just, I guess.. I realized that it's the last thing tying us together (well besides the 2 cellphones we have on the same account on a 2 year contract.. but that's another story).. And once that is over with.. There won't be anything else that will bond us anymore.. All the rest of the misplaced things have been given back.. And it hit me.. "Wow.. that's it.. it's.. really it..".. Everyday I would train myself.. "shes not coming back, she probably has somebody else, knowing her".. but i guess, in some weird way, I would say it, but wouldn't believe it..

 

It's kind of scary.. I devoted so much time to this girl, that I kind of lost my identity with it.. I read a lot of people talk about how it hurts your "self esteem".. and I always felt like "bull****, I still get attention, I'm pretty good looking..".. But it really does, in a way that I hadn't noticed..

 

I feel different when interacting with people.. I'm a little intimidated of even going out to look for a job, since I've been out of it for a while.. And we just did everything together, you know... I don't know, without me knowing it, I did fracture my self esteem and self worth.. I even feel sometimes that maybe, I wasn't enough for her..

 

That perhaps she'll go on to do better things with her life and I'll be stuck in the same place.. or in a dead end job.. I don't know, I know it's not rational, or maybe it is?.. but it just goes through my head over and over again, and today it's been killing me..

 

This, all this coming from a guy who completely turned a company inside out, started as an input.. Just logging data into a program.. From there I got drafted into the new "marketing" team they developed, basically a bunch of amateurs, no degrees and just ideas, trying to make due.. Well, I was the brains behind most of it, we completely redesigned the company. I created a logo with them, I learned photoshop.. Learned a little video editing for youtube and the exposure.. I learned about keywords, meta keywords.. I would handle over 2,000$ on just google adwords alone every month.. Traveled out of the country a couple of times for trainings.. I mean, I know deep down I'm capable of great things..

 

That was something she always admired about me, but somehow I feel scared.. Is it bad to admit it? I do feel ashamed, but I feel scared of the world out there..

 

So much to say, but I can't clog it even more.. It'll just end up creating another unreadable "novel" like I did on my first posting :/

 

I could use some advise guys.. Anything, I feel on some of my lowests right now.

 

By the way, you can read my story on my signature.