What do you think? any future or absolute no go?

[alwayshope86]

Hi guys,

 

Ive been using this forum to try and keep me sane for the past 2 months and thought i'd give talking a shot.

here go's.. my 4 year relationship ..

 

 

The first time i saw my gf at university i was instantly attracted to her and decided i MUST find out who this girl is.. after a few weeks i discovered some mutual friends and managed to arrange a meet up with us all. We went out together that night, she obviously had feelings for me too as there was a lot of chemistry and she kissed me. - it was one of those ridiculous moments that only happens in films, but in my head i went OMG i am marrying this girl, for real - this is it!

We spent the whole night dancing together etc but this girl was a bit of a player (i had been warned) ... move forward around 8 months and we have had a casual thing together (ie me wanting her and her playing hard to get, however we usually ended up getting together on nights out)

 

we built on this foundation, and i grew crazy for her, rather than the player everyone had said, she was just VERY private, had a bad ex, had built huge walls etc, and actually underneath turned out to be what looked like my perfect woman.

We werent technically in a relationship when she announced she was moving to canada for a job.. this prompted me to spill my heart and tell her exactly how i felt. She said she felt the same and she didnt know what to do now that this big move and new job was all set up.. we decided to get into a relationship properly for the last 6 weeks she was in the country, and then we would see how we felt when she left.

Time time came for her to leave, we were stupidly loved up and the thought of losing her broke my heart (and hers) - so i decided i would move to canada with her. we had to spend 6 months apart, though she sneaked back for a surprise at christmas AND valentines day.

 

When i moved out 6 months later we had to move straight into living together. however life was perfect, i couldnt have wished for anything better.

We had some major arguments along the way, but we always got over them, put it down to stress, living together, the big move, i didnt have a job for a while etc - but in all, we got over them and were just a brilliant couple.

Our families both got on amazingly, they were so supportive of our relationship.

 

After a year out in CA i suggested i needed to move back to the uk for work - we were both surveyors and her job wasnt going to give her the option to progress either so moving back would have been better for us both job wise.

While i knew this was hard for her as canada was her dream, we had given it a year (and she had done 1.5 yrs).

We made the most of it though and planned out UK life.

We went home for christmas and to job search and had a great time together. I then found a new job, so we moved to London (its where she wanted us to relocate to too). Then unfortunately it was her turn to be unemployed for around 5 months - this took its toll on her confidence etc and was obviously another big stress in the relationship. we got close to breaking up, but saved it and then proceeded to have another great 12 months. (great as in, we had been together 2 years so we were comfy and bickered but generally minor things and the good far far outweighed any bad) We both had jobs, had a nice flat together and she had joined a sports team and had good friends.

 

We stayed this way for another year, had talked for the past 3 years about our life together, marriage, babies, our future, everything.

After living together for 3 years and the flat feeling very small now (only one bed and tiny) if we ever did have difficult times, she didnt feel that there was anywhere she could escape to and have alone time. she started to feel the pressure and began needing "space". we decided we would look to buy a house as it made financial sense rather than renting a bigger place, we also always wanted to get into development a(our jobs are in it) so it was the perfect solution.

In Nov last year we started our house search, found a place at christmas and had offer accepted in Jan. From then on , everything that could have gone wrong with that house purchase, did! absolute nightmare and so stressful. Her job was very difficult for this year too, and on top of all that i got sick and became a bit of a pain in the a** as i always felt ill when we were out and about. -this has now been fixed but did go on for around 10 months so i know it would have been irritating.

I think the mix of all stresses together was just too much and obviously i was stressed a lot too and we began to have a lot of arguments, stupid things really,nothing even serious, but they became too frequent.

She still left me little notes in the morning for me to wake up to, called me on her lunch break just to say "hi" - it was still really cute.

 

In June everything came to a head, we were on the edge of finally getting this house completed, i was at my parents as i was at the peak of being ill and her job stress was at the max.

We signed for the house on Friday, She went out on sunday night with a friend and their date (when i was at home) I came back on the wednesday and she left me that night.

 

She said she felt claustrophobic, that she needed and wanted space and not just space for a while but just space from the relationship full stop - with no date to come back.

The next week she got with the friends date! who our mutual friend was casually seeing for 2 months but said they weren't interested.

im confident nothing happened prior to this as we had only recently been introduced, but i suspect manybe something happened on that sunday night that gave her the extra push to dump me. - she denies this and said they just got on well, and this is why they are now sort of dating.

 

Its now been two months since the break up and things are difficult to say the least.

We still live together in this one bed flat until our house is ready to move into. One of us on the sofa and on in the bed - although she does spend a lot of nights out the house now.

she cant afford to move out as we are paying rent here until the end of sep as well as the mortgage until we sell this new house.

ive done the terrible thing of trying to go NC as much as possible (as much as you can when u still technically live together) but failed miserably and ended up bombarding her with questions of why and how and u loved me so much lalala pls dont go. - i know i'm an idiot, i just am still as in love with this girl as i was in the beginning.

While she acts so shut off, walls are up, doesnt want to talk about anything, its like the relationship never happened. shes out every night with friends or this new lover.

 

we managed to have one conversation where i asked about future and how she could just switch her feelings off and whether time apart and space would help for us to both grow and eventually get back together.

she said she couldnt think like that, as this relationship is 100% over and she doesnt want to be "back" into this. but she "couldnt say what would happen 2 years from now if we just happened to meet up and got on etc".

I feel so very confused at how someone who 2 months ago sat here with me holding my hand while watching tv, planning our engagement for next year and honeymoon etc, was upset if i went home for a weekend, could then suddenly want me gone forever.

 

She said things with this new person are just easy and lighthearted and theres no pressure. She admitted that it could possible just be a rebound, but also that she genuinely thinks they're a nice person and attractive and wants to see what happens with it.

Apparently she hasn't been happy for almost a year and a half, and hid things rather than talk them through. says she thought buying the house would help fix things and if she acted like she was still happy and anting to marry me that it would turn out true, she thought by ignoring it and struggling in her own head and hiding her pain from me, that it was the best things to do and that she would be able to fix things alone.

She said she wanted more than anything to make our relationship work and it just didnt. but if she didnt even tell me she was "trying" how could that really have been doing everything possible to make it work?

 

i adore this girl, i love her family, my family love her. we had such a promising life together and all our friends were so envious of us. She was so thoughtful, caring, attentive, i thought it was perfect.

now its all gone.

Her family have given her a hard time for leaving me, she said she feels like they wanted me more than her and i was the perfect one and there was too much pressure for her to be as successful career wise as me.

 

I guess i want to know what any of you think has happened in her head... what i can do to get her back (please dont just say move on.. i am trying to date again but this is the love of my life and i just feel so wrong being out with other people)

She seems 100% done with the relationship. so i know any future would have to be built from scratch... is this possible? would it take years?

 

i know i cant wait around and am building my life back, ive joined a new sports team, made new friends, and keeping myself busy and have lost weight, new haircut etc. - im trying hard!

She did say that she felt i relied on her too much as we had mutual friends (who were hers) - but thats just the way it worked out as when we moved to london she made a group of friends first, so they became the closest people.

 

 

or am i kidding myself that anything would ever work out ?

 

x

[Tally123]

Firstly, my heart goes out to you, what you are going through must be terrible for you. Its one thing splitting up with someone, but another to be living in the same house with that person!

I dont feel i am fully equipped to give you advice on this one....I am writing to bump this message, so others may be able to reply.

 

But what I can say from what you have written is how this girl seems to have treated you so badly. To be living with her boyfriend and two weeks later start dating someone....i dont understand how someone can treat another person this way?!

 

To me it sounds like she might have started leaving the relationship a long time ago, like you say she said she was unhappy for a long time, but if she never told you this, how was you supposed to know (as she hid it so well).

 

The sooner you are out of that flat the better. It must be hell for you at the moment, and with this going on under your nose you are in no position to see things clearly. I know you love this girl, you think she is your world and the love of your life, but she obvioulsy isnt someone who you thought she was. I am not going to say "move on" because I know its not that easy. But what are your options now? You need to get out of that place and give her space, miles of it.

 

I dont envy your position, but you sound like a great guy and please know that things will get better. Whenever you are feeling at breaking point, come and vent here. Sorry, I know its not really "advice" what I have given, but just wanted you to know that someone has read your post and is here