deathbystereo Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 I'm ready to just walk away and not look back. what the hell do I do? I'm plagued by sadness and frustration and pure confusion. my girlfriend of five years broke up with me to be independent because we've been together since we were 18. But for the past 4 months since we broke up, she's been coming back, we hang out like old times we hook up(sex) then it's back to her not knowing what she wants. Then she'll come around again, we get close like we used to, we hook up, but can't give me a for sure answer on If she Wants me or not. She can't understand when I tell her, if she wants space, then I need space to get over her. she knows how much i love her, but she keeps giving me hope and then taking it away, then giving it. she's depressed and confused and doesn't know what the Hell she wants. I'm ready to just walk away and tell her to leave me alone, but I still love her, What the Hell do I do? I just want the misery to end. I've tried and pleaded with her for us to talk things out, but she just cries and gets sad and can't give me anything but, "I just need to be alone I guess" but when I'm with you, I feel loved and like i'm Home". What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Fofinha Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Don't answer the phone, don't answer the door and make sure you don't go anywhere she is bound to be. By not wanting to deal with this but still coming around whenever it is convinient, this girl is using you, trust me. She might be confused, but you have to think of your sanity! The only way she will find out for sure if she wants to be with you or not, is by NOT having access to you. As long as you let her speak to you, see you or be with you, NOTHING is going to get solved. Walk away for now and ingnore her COMPLETELY. Trust me, she'll figure out what she really wants real fast. I know it will be difficult for you to stay away, but, you will be hurting less than if you let this situation continue. Link to post Share on other sites
Islandsaway Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 I feel your pain. I have an ex who would like nothing more then to continue to hang out act the same, but without the ties and or commitment. And it's just not fair - You have to take a step back and really think about what is good for you, and it sounds like this is not. She's dragging you through the mud and you deserve better then that, if she genuinely wants space then give it to her. I've pulled myself away from my situation with my ex, I'm hopeful with the actual time apart and some thought he might 'figure things out' but, if he doesn't atleast then I'm on my way to getting over him, not still waiting and hoping on his every move. Its so hard, I know *hugs* but remember to take care of you. Link to post Share on other sites
tenderhearted Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 I think you've been given some GREAT advice! So take it and do it! No Contact! You are giving your EX the best of both worlds. She gets to live the single carefree life and then when she's missing the comfort and security of a relationship, she has you to fall back on. Then when she tires of that, she's out the door again. Don't be her soft cushion to fall. Take it out from under her. The sooner the better. Either she'll realize what she has to lose OR she'll decide that she really doesn't want you back. It could take days, weeks or months but severing the contact is about YOU. It's a time for you to start healing and moving on whether she comes back or not. And then if she does decide that she wants you back, it'll be your decision and maybe you'll have moved on and found someone better by then Link to post Share on other sites
Author deathbystereo Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 the thing is, i've tried no contact, but she gives me the "why can't we just hang out as friends?" but when we do that, we eventually get closer to one another and fall back into the out feelings.. I know it's my fault...i know I shouldn't let it go as far as it does sex-wise. to me it's sacred, i love her, so obviously i want to make love to her, and at the time she's so very passionate about it as well..... Should I give her a final Ultimatum?>???? or should I should I just stop calling her?? I just don't want to be mean to her by avoiding her and not calling her. Should I just explain my reasons and stick to them? Link to post Share on other sites
tenderhearted Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 I understand this, my EX asked me the same question: Why can't we hang out as friends?" Well I find it incredibly hard to be friends with a person that I love and want to be in a relationship with but who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. It's not that I don't want to be his friend or that I want to be mean and avoid him, but being friends makes me want more and it also gives me false hope. If you can separate the love and friendship between the two of you then you are a very strong person mentally and emotionally, but I doubt it, which is why you are confused. we eventually get closer to one another and fall back into the out feelings.. This will probably continue on for as long as you let it OR either she finds someone else and won't need you anymore. If/When she does replace you, you'll feel even worst because you could have done something about it sooner but you chose not to and you'll probably be regretting that you wasted valuable time on waiting for her to come back when you should have been focusing on your own self. It's time to stop worrying about what's best for her and her feelings and focus on yours. By allowing her easy access, I think you are helping her more than you are helping yourself. No need for an ultimatum (you probably won't get the response you're hoping for) and severing contact is not being mean to her. Just explain that its difficult to remain in contact when you love her so much and that you aren't mad at her but ask her to refrain from contacting you and that you'll call her when you're ready to be friends and aren't expecting anything more. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deathbystereo Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 thank you all very much. Your two cents are worth a LOT!!! I'll just do as you mentioned and explain that its difficult for me to remain in contact with her when I loveand care about her so much. I always tell her that I don't hate her and that i'm not mad but i'll reiterate it to her. I've asked her and asked her for us to just take some time away from each other....But it's hard for me to stick to it and whenever I ask it, she always says..."No No No, I need you in my life...why can't we just hang out, it doesn't have to be all the time???" So I always give in. my fault i guess. but it's all too much heartache, something needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Islandsaway Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Your doing the right thing. the hard thing but the right thing. With time and no contact, you may begin to see things differently yourself, alot can be said for clairty and taking a step back - then you finally can see the whole picture. You need to focus on yourself, work through the hurts of the relationship in your own minds eye figure out what you need for yourself. Tell her to do the same, she's not being fair to you. If she really truly cares about you, she will let you get over her, and after this time and space and healing. Maybe you can work on friendship, when and only when you feel completly ready to let her back into your life. You need to set terms that will help you take care of you. Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
Author deathbystereo Posted March 12, 2004 Author Share Posted March 12, 2004 thanks guys,,,, it's just soooooooo difficult because I love her sooo much. And i know if i say No Contact and stick to it and tell her to not call me and give me space...She'll really take it hard, like: "why do you hate me? "why don't you want to know me"...She'll cry a lot!! I know it. I've tried and seen the results. She's really depressed over things and lost and Me trying the "no COntact" hasn't worked. She begs me, over and over, "Please, I need you in my life", "i'm sorry I'm doing this space thing, I don't know what's wrong with me". I want to save myself from more heartache, but I also want to save HER....put my feelings aside for her and Help her get better, but i don't think i would be a solution to the problem, in any form. But I hear your advice loud and clear...I'm going to try it again and talk it out with her. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 tell her very nicely that you can't hang out with her because it just wouldn't be fair to a girl you are seeing. (this displays your integrity and regard for a monogamous relationship) guaranteed to drive her crazy or back to you or both!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author deathbystereo Posted March 12, 2004 Author Share Posted March 12, 2004 that wouldn't work because she knows how MADLY in love with her i am. she knows i would never date anyone else or do that stuff. If i'm not with her i'm involved in my job, art, music and poetry. But i appreciate the suggestion. I talked to her yesterday, told her that i can't fo this anymore and that it's dumb, She either loves me and wants to be with me, Or we need to not do what we've been doing... but we didn't have much time to talk, so we said we would talk later. It possibly made her think again, now she's being really "I love you", "can I see you tonight, please", Calling me at work this morning to say Hi, emailing me to say good morning, etc etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 Hey, I know you really love this girl but she is being selfish. She's manipulating you into behaving in a way that makes life easier for HER, not easier for YOU. She has obviously not put any thought into how damaging this all is to your sense of self esteem and worth. Please just go cold turkey on this girl. A very wise saying goes like this: "The measure of how much someone loves you is how you feel about YOURSELF when you are with them" I don't think this girl is doing much to make you feel wonderful about yourself. Tell her you need to put the friendship on hiatus for the following reasons: * You need to move on and fall in love with someone else * You are tired of drama * You are too grown up now for games * She needs to grow up and face her own issues without using you as (how did another poster put it?) a landing pad * Life is too short to hurt each other * This friendship does not support or nuture you enough * Unrequited love is damaging, sad, lonely and an assault on your spirit and soul Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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