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My situation - on a break...


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First - let me thank everyone for posting and commenting in these forums. I stumbled across this site a few days ago and reading the posts has helped me immensely. I'm posting with the hope that someone hurting or trying to understand their own problems will relate to mine. I know that helped me. I have also read some excellent advice, so please send me some too.

 

T and I started dating close to 2 years ago. The phrase opposites attract has rarely been more accurately demonstrated. Me: mid twenties, owner of a successful business, two degrees, quiet and shy, never in a serious relationship, religious, close to my family, non smoker, non drinker. T: mid twenties, bartender/student, outgoing, living with a guy, not religious, moved out at 17, drinker. Got that? I know, I know. But before you start...

 

We met one night where she works, I was celebrating with friends and a business partner. For the most part, I was always career oriented and oblivious to serious relationships, just some casual dating for me. She came up and started teasing us, we talked. I came back to see her over the next couple of weeks, intrigued by her, before we finally met after work one night. Went on a few dates, had a good time. Then she tells me she lives with another guy. And how they are broken up and she is trying to move out, blah blah blah. Now before you all start in - I KNOW. I'm a smart, logical guy, but for whatever reason, I didn't tell her to call me when she got settled. I stayed to help - glad I did to this day. If it would have been my friend, I would have told him to run like the devil. But...

 

We continued dating for a few months in this situation. I was trying to help her find a place and get out on her own. I think the stress of the situation, combined with some family issues, got to her at one point. She flipped and we took what I guess could be called a break for about 6 weeks. During the time, we talked almost daily, I remained patient and ignored every signal telling me to let it go. I was concerned about her and wanted to help. Some background - the ex-boyfriend was 11 years her senior and foreign. I mention the last item because I have friends of the same background. They have told me and I have witnessed how they treat women - lots of mindgames, disrespect, domineering. I don't think he ever physically abused her, but probably came close. I heard messages of him calling her every disgusting name in the book. Lots of threats. They were together for 2 years or so, he cheated on her once. Turns out he was married at one point too. In short, a complete and total a**h***. She moved in due to an emergency situation and had lived there about a year total.

 

When we saw each other again about 6 weeks after the break for her birthday, it was obvious that he was pushing for them to get back together. In retrospect, as upset as I was, I can't really blame her. I can only imagine what she was going through. I laid it out for her, that I wanted to give us a shot, that I cared for her, that I wanted to help and even if we didn't work out, I would make sure nothing bad would happen to her. I had fallen in love with her long before then, before the break, but had not told her, not even this night. She left without saying a word, tears in her eyes. Two days later she called and told me she loved me.

 

Two weeks later, she was staying with me. She didn't tell the Ex where she really went and I don't think she ever did. We had some early problems, but it's easy to see now she needed to get over that relationship. I thought she mentioned him too much. Wasn't quite over him. Nonetheless, I remained patient and tried to understand (as hard as that was). Things got better. She found a place, I helped her secure it. But she didn't move in for another month or 2. Why? Everything was going great, and then one day, the Ex pops up again. We get into it, she decides to stay at her new place.

 

They weren't screwing around or anything, but talking. And it bothered me, know what a complete ass he was, why would she continue talking to him. Hard for me to understand. But...

 

I was really hurt when she moved out, however it actually helped us (I know our start was not healthy). A month or so later, we were good again. And things stayed that way for a while. We had our fights, but the makeup time was faster. Eventually (by this past fall), she was pretty much living with me again. We talked about getting rid of her place. Despite our obvious differences, we worked. She was a late night partier, creative, experienced. I was an early riser, white-collar, green. But at our cores, we were pretty similar people. We liked the same things, we had similar views and values. You could lock the two of us in a jail cell and in two minutes we would be having the best time in the world, laughing and giggling like kids. The sex was good (she claims the best, but don't they always say that?). We met each others families and got along very well. I was the first guy she ever "brought home" (to her parents). We adapted to each other, making compromises here and there, because our lifestyles were different to say the least. She had a problem with my religion, but went to Mass with me. I don't drink, but would find myself at clubs until the wee hours of the morning. We loved good food, went out, stayed in, traveled, split bills, bought presents - everything. Her career was looking better and I got her enrolled in a better program at a different school. It was great.

 

We started having minor problems again late last year. She was upset at what she considered a lukewarm response on my part to her moving in. Sure I had a few doubts/concerns, but for all intensive purposes we were living together anyway - I guess I didn't think it was a big deal. Then it was passion - she claiming it wasn't there. I should mention that around this time, I was (and still am) having some business problems - that's "my" thing. So I was a little distracted or distant, but only because I don't really discuss my problems, especially business related. We had a nasty fight around the holidays. I attribute it to stress, her family in town, mine already there. Probably some build up from our own problems with each other as well. I thought she was inconsiderate at some times, and too friendly with other guys. She thought I was too controlling. But again - we got over it.

 

Onto February, we had plans. The lease on her place was up and she was going to move in. She was saving for a car, had picked up another job, changed schools - things were going well. She knew money was tight and was planning to help. I told her to hold onto her place for one more month, in case I sold mine. I trusted her and let her in like few others in my life (only family). Great Valentines day. We had a small fight in the middle of February regarding a party at her place, but I think she was a little tipsy. I ended up back at her place for the night, everything was fine.

 

And then, a week and a half ago, she comes home from work and says she's moving out. Wants to take a break - you all know the drill. I tell her how confused I am and hurt. She really wants to keep her place and says we're not ready to live together (without the safety net of two places). I'm really hurting, but she's sympathetic. I figure it is probably like the other times. I'm the type of person who wants to fix things immediately, she wants a little time and space. I've come to understand that and we've been through it before.

 

But then I find out the Ex has popped up again. She claims he is going through some family problems. Naturally, I'm pretty pissed. I think we're past this and feel somewhat betrayed (side note: he actually followed us once and threatened to kill me - typical bully a**h*** with women, but wouldn't do a thing to me).

 

And, I have a lead on moving my place pretty quick, tell her I might need to move in next month - she says no. I damn near explode - I'm not one to hold things over someones head, a gift is given with nothing expected. But for crying out loud, I gave her a place to live when she needed out of a bad situation and then, even though it broke my heart, made sure he had an apartment to stay at when she didn't want to say with me! And she tells me no when I need somewhere to go (is that the answer to my own question?).

We talk about this and it gets ugly. She claims she doesn't know about our future, we're too different. Doesn't know if she loves me anymore. A portion of this might be my fault, because I'm not one to discuss marriage/kids and such. I planned on marrying her in the next couple of years, kids a while after that. But how can she not love me anymore - no passion as she says? This from a girl who has cried in my arms because she claimed to have loved me so much. Sex wise, we go through cycles like everyone else - but believe me it was good. So how is there no passion???

 

I just don't get it. We haven't talked much. I saw her briefly this past weekend and while nasty at first, she listened to what I said and my questions. I asked what was wrong - if I hadn't made my intentions clear, if it was physical, if it was mental, the future... not much of a response, although time was an issue.

 

We haven't really "talked" - I mean laid it out. It's closing in on two weeks. Should I let it go and wait for her to come to me? Or should I get us together and tell her my intetions: to build a life with her, to work together, to take care of her, to help her succeed and have her by my side when I do - to love her. Take it or leave it - but none of this limbo stuff. What do you think?

 

I know she has been seeing the Ex, and this by itself is almost enough to make me limp away, seal up the wounds and move on. I don't think I could let someone back in after I close the door, I open it so infrequently, it would just be too hard. So that's why i want to give it one more shot, before I move on. And because I love this girl so deeply, so pure - it's unconditional. But I will have to stay away from her if it's over, because it hurts so bad now. I will always have a spot for her (I think she knows this)...

 

It's been a rough few days, not much sleep. But like I said, just reading the posts here has helped.

Your comments/questions appreciated - and I hope this helps someone else in the future. Take care and good luck with your own problems. Thanks.

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overseas2004

My experience with relationships is that it is best to let them cool off for a while and talk to them later. My ex and I broke up about a month ago. I tried to talk to him about but he was an a***. Last night he came over and was way more responsive and stayed for about two hours to hash everything out with me.

 

The point being. While she is running and you are pushing. She is going to keep running. Give it a few weeks. With no contact and then she will come to talk to you. Or if not you can always re-initiate a conversation then.

 

By the way as for opposites attract you guys were nothing so different as me and my ex.

 

me

 

36

educated in the States with a law degree

working for the UN abroad

fluent in 4 languages

dont really like to party that much anymore (been there, done that)

want kids

 

 

Ex

 

33 years old

veteran of a six year war

no school

one language

loves to party all the time

even got arrested for smoking pot

Has problems related to teh war

and is about 6 years old when it comes to emotions

 

 

Yet we loved each other and lived together for 8 months. And I am even considering the crazy fool that I am

to patch it up with him

 

The thing is differences can create friction in a relationship. But I think that you got past a lot of the friction because you were so accomodating. Same thing happened to me. I let him do whatever he wanted. And when I put my foot down he ran away.

 

So....my advice to you is. Give yourself a couple of weeks to think about this. Think about whether you want it or not (I know you think you do now but that is how we all feel when someone is slipping away that we love). And give her some time to think about it. If you really really love each other. You wont be apart for long. People who love each other don't give up that easily. And finally you will both be way more calm in a few weeks.

 

But if I were you I would bag her.... ok. just my advice. But since I am not in this.... then its not for me to say.

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Part of me wants so bad to write a letter or something, but I know from reading posts here that is bad. I just don't understand how someone can cut you off so quickly. No attempts to work it out, nothing. Makes me wonder if something else is going on, because people who change focus so quickly, usually have something else to focus on....

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Just an update: she came over last night and we had a good talk. She also moved a lot of stuff out. But I feel better knowing I cleared up a lot of things and laid it on the line for her. Unfortunately, it's out of my hands at this point.

 

The highs and lows of love are certainly extreme...

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