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Just broke up with my gf... feeling really down and upset


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Some of you all might have seen my posts in the dating section. I've had trouble with my gf being distant for the last 2.5 wks. We're LDR 26 years old and she's cancelled plans with me over the last 2 wkends too. She's supposably depressed or has an anxiety problem possibly and she's going to a psychiatrist for it. She said she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or be alone. I honestly couldn't handle it anymore. She stopped telling me she loves me like she did and I was getting so insecure. I was even getting paranoid she was talking with other guys. So today I broke it off over Skype. I told her I didn't want it to be like this but she needs to take the time for herself and I also need to focus on myself. She told me I deserve better than her and she's sorry for how she's treated me and it's all her fault. I'm feeling so guilty right now like I want to get back in touch with her and tell her I was wrong. However, my parents and all my friends told me I did the right thing. Right after we break up, she goes immediately to facebook and changes her status to single where everyone could see it. Then she posted up a status that said "the sun is poking out through the clouds. Peace :-)". It seems she's happy according to that post or as my sister said she's just crazy. Guys, I'm feeling really awful right now. I feel like I've lost my best friend but I was so miserable with her there at the end. I don't feel like anything could work out unless she takes care of herself. She said she hopes I find someone who gives me what I deserve and a bunch of other stuff making it even worse on me. Is this all normal? I've never really broke up with someone before and just need some reassurance. I wanted things to work so much but just couldn't take it any longer. How can I deal with this?

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Hi Fray.

 

As I've said to you elsewhere, her refusal to see you (alongside all the truly horrible things she's put you through) demonstrated that - despite the flip-flopping she does, when she's losing control over you - that's she's the one who left this relationship first. She just didn't have the guts to say so, and she didn't want to lose her security blanket.

 

I know there are some concerns about her mental well-being at the moment but they don't make her behaviour okay. You have tried so hard to help her but she has pushed you away consistently. You cannot be her nurse. By being for her as she walks all over you, you are - in fact - enabling her bad behaviour. She needs to focus on herself, and you need to focus on you.

 

She knows what she has to do if she really cares about you, and she's only willing to ask you to do more.

 

That FB thing is a bit weird. Maybe she knows this is the right thing to do really, or maybe she is trying to tell you not to feel guilty? Trouble is, trying to interpret these things will drive you crazy. You must go NC now - which means unfriending her, I'm afraid. She knows where you live if she wants to turn up and prove to you she wants this relationship.

 

Spend some time treating yourself, as much as you can. Eat some good food, do activities you love. Talk to your friends and family who do love you. Have a duvet day, if you want. But focus on your healing. Stop beating yourself up.

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Million.to.1

Hi Fray..

 

I only just saw this post after replying to your PM... I'm glad you choose to do what you needed for your own sake.

 

Of course, it is confusing and hard and you will be up and down for a while.

 

I agree with Mickle that NC is the best way forward. I also highly recommend sending her a short email or message to explain that you will be unfriending her on Facebook/ skype etc, and not contacting her. Tell her you need to do this for your own healing and not because you have any bad feeling towards her.

I think this is polite and will prevent any further dramas if she starts trying to contact you, and all the FB social media crap associated with break-ups.

 

We'll be here to help... stay strong. xx

 

Guide to NC

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Hi Fray.

 

As I've said to you elsewhere, her refusal to see you (alongside all the truly horrible things she's put you through) demonstrated that - despite the flip-flopping she does, when she's losing control over you - that's she's the one who left this relationship first. She just didn't have the guts to say so, and she didn't want to lose her security blanket.

 

I know there are some concerns about her mental well-being at the moment but they don't make her behaviour okay. You have tried so hard to help her but she has pushed you away consistently. You cannot be her nurse. By being for her as she walks all over you, you are - in fact - enabling her bad behaviour. She needs to focus on herself, and you need to focus on you.

 

She knows what she has to do if she really cares about you, and she's only willing to ask you to do more.

 

That FB thing is a bit weird. Maybe she knows this is the right thing to do really, or maybe she is trying to tell you not to feel guilty? Trouble is, trying to interpret these things will drive you crazy. You must go NC now - which means unfriending her, I'm afraid. She knows where you live if she wants to turn up and prove to you she wants this relationship.

 

Spend some time treating yourself, as much as you can. Eat some good food, do activities you love. Talk to your friends and family who do love you. Have a duvet day, if you want. But focus on your healing. Stop beating yourself up.

 

That post helps a lot, to hear you say she wanted out of this first. It would just make it so much easier if she'd say she did. Could you tell me what you mean by security blanket? I'm sure I'd comprehend if my brain wasn't fried right now! haha.

 

The thing that makes me feel most guilty, I think, is her possibly just having a mental problem. Even if a person did have some sort of problem, they wouldn't have said the things she said to me if they really loved me, right? I feel like if I can come more to the realization that beyond her having emotional problems, she just didn't care for me as I want, I'd be better off. I know I probably sound confused but that's because I am. Also, I tried so hard and feel like I just gave up. It makes me sad I couldn't help her through this.

 

I think I'm feeling a little bit rejected also; by the way she has pushed me away and cancelled plans on me. It makes me a little insecure that someone else will do the same if I'm ever able to love like that again.

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Hi Fray..

 

I only just saw this post after replying to your PM... I'm glad you choose to do what you needed for your own sake.

 

Of course, it is confusing and hard and you will be up and down for a while.

 

I agree with Mickle that NC is the best way forward. I also highly recommend sending her a short email or message to explain that you will be unfriending her on Facebook/ skype etc, and not contacting her. Tell her you need to do this for your own healing and not because you have any bad feeling towards her.

I think this is polite and will prevent any further dramas if she starts trying to contact you, and all the FB social media crap associated with break-ups.

 

We'll be here to help... stay strong. xx

 

Guide to NC

 

 

Thanks for your post millionto1. The whole facebook thing seemed to be overwhelming immediately so I just deactivated my entire account so I can't look at anything and nobody can see my page. I've decided on NC and will continue to do so as a means for me to heal as quick as possible. I just feel like I've lost a best friend. I'm hoping the fact this is long distance will help my grieving process pass by more easily. Right now, I feel like crying a lot and making excuses for her behavior. I get the feeling she might email me or something but then again, she probably won't. In a way I want her to contact me, but that would probably only delay my healing. If I don't hear from her, should I just take it as she doesn't want to be with me or that she feels I'm better off without her?

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That post helps a lot, to hear you say she wanted out of this first. It would just make it so much easier if she'd say she did. Could you tell me what you mean by security blanket? I'm sure I'd comprehend if my brain wasn't fried right now! haha.

 

Glad it helped. It's true. :o There are a lot of things she could have done that would have made your life easier, Fray. Don't expect her to start doing them now. She used you as her security blanket - she treated you like crap but liked having you around to make her feel better. She knows (logically) she should have let you go but she held onto you because she liked the 'security' of having someone there to stroke her ego, when she felt bad. Does that help?

 

The thing that makes me feel most guilty, I think, is her possibly just having a mental problem. Even if a person did have some sort of problem, they wouldn't have said the things she said to me if they really loved me, right? I feel like if I can come more to the realization that beyond her having emotional problems, she just didn't care for me as I want, I'd be better off.

 

She's been making you feel guilty for a long time. That's been her hook. I've suffered from depression in my life before, Fray. It never gave me the right to be nasty to someone else, EVER. In fact, I was always pretty nice to other people, I mostly took it out on me. She externalises her problems - tries to make them someone else's. They're not yours, they're hers. She needs to take responsibility for them. Let her (she may already be thanking you with that FB post - who knows?) You're actually empowering her by stopping her bad behaviour. Cruel to be kind is when we put boundaries up. Parents have to do it all the time or they'd raise monsters. You just did it a little late. That's okay - takes a while to learn these things, sometimes.

 

Thing is, someone as caring as you - you probably have done very little in your life to really feel guilty about. You've just developed a habit of doing so. That habit is not a good one for you. You need to work on it. I wonder how it came to be your default setting, as it appears to be?

 

Yeah - if she'd cared for you more she would've shown it, regardless of her own problems. I actually think she's not able to care for someone else at the moment. Her self-esteem can't be healthy, considering how she treated you. You really do need to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. So, don't take it too personally. It's about her, not you. You did all you could, and almost became ill yourself, in the process. Well done for avoiding that. Wouldn't have helped anyone, would it?

 

Also, I tried so hard and feel like I just gave up. It makes me sad I couldn't help her through this.

 

This is a very normal response to have. But you didn't 'just give up'. You tried for months and gradually came to see logic. And, as I said, she gave up earlier than you did, on this loving relationship, didn't she? Of course it makes you sad. That's the appropriate response. It will, as you process it, make you feel a whole range of emotions. Try to read some stuff by Susan Anderson - she's an expert on this. The five stages are Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalisation, Rage and Lifting. You'll flip between them a lot over the next few months. You are susceptible to Internalisation most. You keep taking the blame, wondering 'what if', etc. Try to embrace all the others, too. Once the Rage starts hitting - it'll probably feel good. Just such a relief to realise that you have a right to be angry, and it really was not all your fault!

 

There are two sides in any relationship, but - to me - your part sounds to be mostly that you let her get away with too much. You can learn about this and avoid it in the future.

 

Just a reminder - you're not superman. We can all only do so much to help others. If we are not helping them to help themselves, however, it's all a bit in vain. I like to help others, but if I can see that my help is ineffective, I'll change my tack. Why wouldn't I?

 

I think I'm feeling a little bit rejected also; by the way she has pushed me away and cancelled plans on me. It makes me a little insecure that someone else will do the same if I'm ever able to love like that again.

 

Of course you do! She did this for reasons that are only known to her. Again, try not to take it too personally. Often, people who abuse others resent those they abuse. Because they WANT them to stop them. She will have much more respect for you now. But it is too late. If you have hurt someone a lot, you can't expect to just start again with them, on an even playing field. She needs to learn to stop getting her ego kicks out of other people, and learn some real self-respect. The really sad thing is that it's not really about you - it's mostly about her. But the good thing is that you don't have to keep piling this blame on yourself.

 

Again, it's natural to feel you won't love again, or not like that, anyway. But - hang on - that's a bloody good thing! You don't want to love so unconditionally a person who doesn't deserve it, do you? Where's that going to get you? You want to love the right person, the right way. And you will. I truly believe that. First things first, though. Get through this properly. Heal well. You will grow stronger than ever. You will be happier than ever. You will learn that you can survive any romantic relationship, and this release from loving in a fearful manner will leave you. Your ability to love without fear will be very attractive to others. You will be able to support them holistically: emotionally and practically. You will be able to be strong for them when they REALLY need it, and be firm with them, when they need that too. That's a truly loving relationship. Those who have learnt this are very lovable. You will find you receive the respect you deserve.

 

But like I say - one step at a time. Give yourself a good week to get over the shock of this. Take care of yourself very carefully during this time. Make sure all your basic needs are met, and then treat yourself to stuff that will make you feel better (and help you to heal). A little bit of what you fancy does you good, but don't be developing a drinking or hamburger eating habit too readily! Come here. Think aloud amongst us, rather than let unanswerable thoughts drown you. Get some of your favourite DVDs (or downloads) in. Go for a walk somewhere great. Buy yourself that item of clothing you really like, and wear it. Let your Mum make you a cup of cocoa. Let you mates tell you stories about your past times with them, that make you roar with laughter. Remember who you are and remember how to love that person, love being that person. You're a good person. Don't forget it.

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Glad it helped. It's true. :o There are a lot of things she could have done that would have made your life easier, Fray. Don't expect her to start doing them now. She used you as her security blanket - she treated you like crap but liked having you around to make her feel better. She knows (logically) she should have let you go but she held onto you because she liked the 'security' of having someone there to stroke her ego, when she felt bad. Does that help?

 

 

 

She's been making you feel guilty for a long time. That's been her hook. I've suffered from depression in my life before, Fray. It never gave me the right to be nasty to someone else, EVER. In fact, I was always pretty nice to other people, I mostly took it out on me. She externalises her problems - tries to make them someone else's. They're not yours, they're hers. She needs to take responsibility for them. Let her (she may already be thanking you with that FB post - who knows?) You're actually empowering her by stopping her bad behaviour. Cruel to be kind is when we put boundaries up. Parents have to do it all the time or they'd raise monsters. You just did it a little late. That's okay - takes a while to learn these things, sometimes.

 

Thing is, someone as caring as you - you probably have done very little in your life to really feel guilty about. You've just developed a habit of doing so. That habit is not a good one for you. You need to work on it. I wonder how it came to be your default setting, as it appears to be?

 

Yeah - if she'd cared for you more she would've shown it, regardless of her own problems. I actually think she's not able to care for someone else at the moment. Her self-esteem can't be healthy, considering how she treated you. You really do need to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. So, don't take it too personally. It's about her, not you. You did all you could, and almost became ill yourself, in the process. Well done for avoiding that. Wouldn't have helped anyone, would it?

 

 

 

This is a very normal response to have. But you didn't 'just give up'. You tried for months and gradually came to see logic. And, as I said, she gave up earlier than you did, on this loving relationship, didn't she? Of course it makes you sad. That's the appropriate response. It will, as you process it, make you feel a whole range of emotions. Try to read some stuff by Susan Anderson - she's an expert on this. The five stages are Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalisation, Rage and Lifting. You'll flip between them a lot over the next few months. You are susceptible to Internalisation most. You keep taking the blame, wondering 'what if', etc. Try to embrace all the others, too. Once the Rage starts hitting - it'll probably feel good. Just such a relief to realise that you have a right to be angry, and it really was not all your fault!

 

There are two sides in any relationship, but - to me - your part sounds to be mostly that you let her get away with too much. You can learn about this and avoid it in the future.

 

Just a reminder - you're not superman. We can all only do so much to help others. If we are not helping them to help themselves, however, it's all a bit in vain. I like to help others, but if I can see that my help is ineffective, I'll change my tack. Why wouldn't I?

 

 

 

Of course you do! She did this for reasons that are only known to her. Again, try not to take it too personally. Often, people who abuse others resent those they abuse. Because they WANT them to stop them. She will have much more respect for you now. But it is too late. If you have hurt someone a lot, you can't expect to just start again with them, on an even playing field. She needs to learn to stop getting her ego kicks out of other people, and learn some real self-respect. The really sad thing is that it's not really about you - it's mostly about her. But the good thing is that you don't have to keep piling this blame on yourself.

 

Again, it's natural to feel you won't love again, or not like that, anyway. But - hang on - that's a bloody good thing! You don't want to love so unconditionally a person who doesn't deserve it, do you? Where's that going to get you? You want to love the right person, the right way. And you will. I truly believe that. First things first, though. Get through this properly. Heal well. You will grow stronger than ever. You will be happier than ever. You will learn that you can survive any romantic relationship, and this release from loving in a fearful manner will leave you. Your ability to love without fear will be very attractive to others. You will be able to support them holistically: emotionally and practically. You will be able to be strong for them when they REALLY need it, and be firm with them, when they need that too. That's a truly loving relationship. Those who have learnt this are very lovable. You will find you receive the respect you deserve.

 

But like I say - one step at a time. Give yourself a good week to get over the shock of this. Take care of yourself very carefully during this time. Make sure all your basic needs are met, and then treat yourself to stuff that will make you feel better (and help you to heal). A little bit of what you fancy does you good, but don't be developing a drinking or hamburger eating habit too readily! Come here. Think aloud amongst us, rather than let unanswerable thoughts drown you. Get some of your favourite DVDs (or downloads) in. Go for a walk somewhere great. Buy yourself that item of clothing you really like, and wear it. Let your Mum make you a cup of cocoa. Let you mates tell you stories about your past times with them, that make you roar with laughter. Remember who you are and remember how to love that person, love being that person. You're a good person. Don't forget it.

 

 

It's funny you say that she kept me around to stroke her ego because my sister told me a very similar thing and she's been with me through this whole thing. She told me that my now ex is the type that likes attention and will do things to get a reaction to make her feel better about herself. So, pretty much she used me when she needed me, didn't she? I guess that where I love her so much it made me convince myself she wasn't really like this and wouldn't do this to me BUT she liked the attention she got from me. That hurts to be honest but also makes me a little annoyed someone who I was so good to would do me that way. I asked her why she'd keep me around if she knows it hurts me so much and she replied with "because I'm selfish". She was actually being honest about that I guess. And you explanation of a security blanket now makes sense to me. Geez, I could probably have caught what you meant the first time if my head didn't feel so screwed up right now. I feel almost like I've been living in a haze.

 

My sister also told me she kept me hooked by making me feel guilty (I'll mention my sis a lot bc she's prob my best friend). She told me my ex would say and do things to manipulate me and she even told me I was like a puppet for some of the ways she treated me. I feel ashamed of myself for letting something like this happen but I was so caught up I couldn't realize. I honestly still don't fully realize it but I think it's coming along. It's nice to hear you say that I did her a favor by letting her go. I hope she one day realizes I could only do this bc I love her and respect me like you said, even though I was a little late. Do you think she will even though I was late on doing this? Also, I think maybe that is what the FB comment meant, but honestly you're right-- the more I try to think about what it is, it drives me nuts and makes me feel sad so I'll try to refrain from that.

 

About feeling guilty, as you said, I'm always the type who feels like I can make things happen if I work really hard and put myself into them. Like when I really want something, I think it's right. There isn't a whole lot I've messed up in my life; I've had my mistakes like most others. But I have always been really hard on myself when things don't go the way I want them. Does this sound reasonable as to why I'm taking this so hard? Maybe if I can pinpoint this now, I will be better off in the future and getting through this.

 

When you talk about her finding self-respect, it makes me think about some of the things she's done. I don't judge anyone on their past but she's been with double the people I have in bed and has even been with other girls. She has made comments before saying stuff like she's an awful person and even about other girls and how pretty they are and she wishes she was that way. I always thought she was just kidding but maybe this is just how insecure of a person she is?

 

I definitely want to love again but not like this, you're right. It would've been so awesome if she could've reciprocated what I gave to her. I think she tried? I think of a lot of the good things she's done for me but that's probably not a good idea right now. I have a friend who just got engaged and I spoke with him yesterday. He told me that he's never had any doubts about him and his fiancee. He said if you start having any doubts, it probably isn't meant to be and better to be out. I can't even imagine finding something that awesome right now but that sounds great. I'll focus on myself in the meantime and heal before thinking of hanging out with any girls. I feel very unstable right now, like i'd probably bring up my ex or something lol and that wouldn't be good!

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Glad it helped. It's true. :o There are a lot of things she could have done that would have made your life easier, Fray. Don't expect her to start doing them now. She used you as her security blanket - she treated you like crap but liked having you around to make her feel better. She knows (logically) she should have let you go but she held onto you because she liked the 'security' of having someone there to stroke her ego, when she felt bad. Does that help?

 

 

 

She's been making you feel guilty for a long time. That's been her hook. I've suffered from depression in my life before, Fray. It never gave me the right to be nasty to someone else, EVER. In fact, I was always pretty nice to other people, I mostly took it out on me. She externalises her problems - tries to make them someone else's. They're not yours, they're hers. She needs to take responsibility for them. Let her (she may already be thanking you with that FB post - who knows?) You're actually empowering her by stopping her bad behaviour. Cruel to be kind is when we put boundaries up. Parents have to do it all the time or they'd raise monsters. You just did it a little late. That's okay - takes a while to learn these things, sometimes.

 

Thing is, someone as caring as you - you probably have done very little in your life to really feel guilty about. You've just developed a habit of doing so. That habit is not a good one for you. You need to work on it. I wonder how it came to be your default setting, as it appears to be?

 

Yeah - if she'd cared for you more she would've shown it, regardless of her own problems. I actually think she's not able to care for someone else at the moment. Her self-esteem can't be healthy, considering how she treated you. You really do need to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. So, don't take it too personally. It's about her, not you. You did all you could, and almost became ill yourself, in the process. Well done for avoiding that. Wouldn't have helped anyone, would it?

 

 

 

This is a very normal response to have. But you didn't 'just give up'. You tried for months and gradually came to see logic. And, as I said, she gave up earlier than you did, on this loving relationship, didn't she? Of course it makes you sad. That's the appropriate response. It will, as you process it, make you feel a whole range of emotions. Try to read some stuff by Susan Anderson - she's an expert on this. The five stages are Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalisation, Rage and Lifting. You'll flip between them a lot over the next few months. You are susceptible to Internalisation most. You keep taking the blame, wondering 'what if', etc. Try to embrace all the others, too. Once the Rage starts hitting - it'll probably feel good. Just such a relief to realise that you have a right to be angry, and it really was not all your fault!

 

There are two sides in any relationship, but - to me - your part sounds to be mostly that you let her get away with too much. You can learn about this and avoid it in the future.

 

Just a reminder - you're not superman. We can all only do so much to help others. If we are not helping them to help themselves, however, it's all a bit in vain. I like to help others, but if I can see that my help is ineffective, I'll change my tack. Why wouldn't I?

 

 

 

Of course you do! She did this for reasons that are only known to her. Again, try not to take it too personally. Often, people who abuse others resent those they abuse. Because they WANT them to stop them. She will have much more respect for you now. But it is too late. If you have hurt someone a lot, you can't expect to just start again with them, on an even playing field. She needs to learn to stop getting her ego kicks out of other people, and learn some real self-respect. The really sad thing is that it's not really about you - it's mostly about her. But the good thing is that you don't have to keep piling this blame on yourself.

 

Again, it's natural to feel you won't love again, or not like that, anyway. But - hang on - that's a bloody good thing! You don't want to love so unconditionally a person who doesn't deserve it, do you? Where's that going to get you? You want to love the right person, the right way. And you will. I truly believe that. First things first, though. Get through this properly. Heal well. You will grow stronger than ever. You will be happier than ever. You will learn that you can survive any romantic relationship, and this release from loving in a fearful manner will leave you. Your ability to love without fear will be very attractive to others. You will be able to support them holistically: emotionally and practically. You will be able to be strong for them when they REALLY need it, and be firm with them, when they need that too. That's a truly loving relationship. Those who have learnt this are very lovable. You will find you receive the respect you deserve.

 

But like I say - one step at a time. Give yourself a good week to get over the shock of this. Take care of yourself very carefully during this time. Make sure all your basic needs are met, and then treat yourself to stuff that will make you feel better (and help you to heal). A little bit of what you fancy does you good, but don't be developing a drinking or hamburger eating habit too readily! Come here. Think aloud amongst us, rather than let unanswerable thoughts drown you. Get some of your favourite DVDs (or downloads) in. Go for a walk somewhere great. Buy yourself that item of clothing you really like, and wear it. Let your Mum make you a cup of cocoa. Let you mates tell you stories about your past times with them, that make you roar with laughter. Remember who you are and remember how to love that person, love being that person. You're a good person. Don't forget it.

 

 

It's funny you say that she kept me around to stroke her ego because my sister told me a very similar thing and she's been with me through this whole thing. She told me that my now ex is the type that likes attention and will do things to get a reaction to make her feel better about herself. So, pretty much she used me when she needed me, didn't she? I guess that where I love her so much it made me convince myself she wasn't really like this and wouldn't do this to me BUT she liked the attention she got from me. That hurts to be honest but also makes me a little annoyed someone who I was so good to would do me that way. I asked her why she'd keep me around if she knows it hurts me so much and she replied with "because I'm selfish". She was actually being honest about that I guess. And you explanation of a security blanket now makes sense to me. Geez, I could probably have caught what you meant the first time if my head didn't feel so screwed up right now. I feel almost like I've been living in a haze.

 

My sister also told me she kept me hooked by making me feel guilty (I'll mention my sis a lot bc she's prob my best friend). She told me my ex would say and do things to manipulate me and she even told me I was like a puppet for some of the ways she treated me. I feel ashamed of myself for letting something like this happen but I was so caught up I couldn't realize. I honestly still don't fully realize it but I think it's coming along. It's nice to hear you say that I did her a favor by letting her go. I hope she one day realizes I could only do this bc I love her and respect me like you said, even though I was a little late. Do you think she will even though I was late on doing this? Also, I think maybe that is what the FB comment meant, but honestly you're right-- the more I try to think about what it is, it drives me nuts and makes me feel sad so I'll try to refrain from that.

 

About feeling guilty, as you said, I'm always the type who feels like I can make things happen if I work really hard and put myself into them. Like when I really want something, I think it's right. There isn't a whole lot I've messed up in my life; I've had my mistakes like most others. But I have always been really hard on myself when things don't go the way I want them. Does this sound reasonable as to why I'm taking this so hard? Maybe if I can pinpoint this now, I will be better off in the future and getting through this.

 

When you talk about her finding self-respect, it makes me think about some of the things she's done. I don't judge anyone on their past but she's been with double the people I have in bed and has even been with other girls. She has made comments before saying stuff like she's an awful person and even about other girls and how pretty they are and she wishes she was that way. I always thought she was just kidding but maybe this is just how insecure of a person she is?

 

I definitely want to love again but not like this, you're right. It would've been so awesome if she could've reciprocated what I gave to her. I think she tried? I think of a lot of the good things she's done for me but that's probably not a good idea right now. I have a friend who just got engaged and I spoke with him yesterday. He told me that he's never had any doubts about him and his fiancee. He said if you start having any doubts, it probably isn't meant to be and better to be out. I can't even imagine finding something that awesome right now but that sounds great. I'll focus on myself in the meantime and heal before thinking of hanging out with any girls. I feel very unstable right now, like i'd probably bring up my ex or something lol and that wouldn't be good!

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The Tallest One

Hi Fray, gooing through exact same thing as you! She flip flopped all the time and just keeps me around for the same reasons! I just wish I didn't still care for her so much and that I could just move on! Why is it that when us decent guy's treat a woman so good they in turn walk all over us?

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Hi Fray, gooing through exact same thing as you! She flip flopped all the time and just keeps me around for the same reasons! I just wish I didn't still care for her so much and that I could just move on! Why is it that when us decent guy's treat a woman so good they in turn walk all over us?

 

I think this care will drift away for both of us my friend. I feel your pain, believe me. I'm just gonna have faith that we can both meet a good woman that can give us the love back one day. Hang in there man and if you need to talk or anything just PM me!

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You all, I'm feeling pretty insecure. I keep thinking maybe she cheated on me. She quit wanting to have sex a few weeks ago and just told me her sex drive was completely gone and she thought maybe it was from the stress and depression. I believed her. Well my friend just told me some guy had written on her facebook wall and it's a guy that I worried about her going for when she broke up with me the first time. She told me they never slept together but now he's writing on her wall so I'm sure she's talking with him. I deactivated my account, but my buddy must've thought it'd help me move forward better by telling me. Honestly, I'm worrying maybe she cheated on me bc I wasn't good enough for her in bed. I asked her once if she was bored with things or if there was anything she'd like better and she said everything was just fine and it wasn't me. Is this silly to worry about? I'm afraid it'll affect me mentally whenever I meet the next person I'm intimate with.

 

Also, she texted me this earlier, "Hey!! I found your shoes you've been looking for! What's your address so I can mail them to you!!"

I wrote her back 3 hrs later bc they're expensive shoes I was looking for, "my address, thanks"

She then replied back with, "Yep! :-)"

 

It's like she's acting so happy as if she's relieved it's over. She used to text all happy like that but wasn't like that at all the last few wks of our relationship. Is she just trying to get a reaction from me?

I feel very annoyed for some reason.

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You all, I'm feeling pretty insecure. I keep thinking maybe she cheated on me. She quit wanting to have sex a few weeks ago and just told me her sex drive was completely gone and she thought maybe it was from the stress and depression. I believed her. Well my friend just told me some guy had written on her facebook wall and it's a guy that I worried about her going for when she broke up with me the first time. She told me they never slept together but now he's writing on her wall so I'm sure she's talking with him. I deactivated my account, but my buddy must've thought it'd help me move forward better by telling me. Honestly, I'm worrying maybe she cheated on me bc I wasn't good enough for her in bed. I asked her once if she was bored with things or if there was anything she'd like better and she said everything was just fine and it wasn't me. Is this silly to worry about? I'm afraid it'll affect me mentally whenever I meet the next person I'm intimate with.

 

Also, she texted me this earlier, "Hey!! I found your shoes you've been looking for! What's your address so I can mail them to you!!"

I wrote her back 3 hrs later bc they're expensive shoes I was looking for, "my address, thanks"

She then replied back with, "Yep! :-)"

 

It's like she's acting so happy as if she's relieved it's over. She used to text all happy like that but wasn't like that at all the last few wks of our relationship. Is she just trying to get a reaction from me?

I feel very annoyed for some reason.

 

Honestly, let her think she's happy. If she's hooking up with some guy, as hard as it may be to digest that, let her do it - but for God's sake stop talking to her. If she is really with some other guy, then there isn't NOTHING you can say to her to want you back at this point.

 

That being said, your only chance at redemption is going to be cutting her off and waiting for things to eff up with this new guy. Then she'll start to realize what she had and start blowing up your phone. Hopefully by that time you're over it because this girl is not worth your time.

 

If she's not with someone else, NC is still the way to go. Sounds like things have ended without a mess. If you can get through this seemingly unbearable first few weeks without her, you'll start to feel better.. and you'll be glad you didn't lose your dignity in the end.

 

P.S. Your friend sucks. WTH, really? Tell him to keep quiet about your ex, not another word. Or I'd ditch him until you're over it.

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It's funny you say that she kept me around to stroke her ego because my sister told me a very similar thing and she's been with me through this whole thing. She told me that my now ex is the type that likes attention and will do things to get a reaction to make her feel better about herself. So, pretty much she used me when she needed me, didn't she? I guess that where I love her so much it made me convince myself she wasn't really like this and wouldn't do this to me BUT she liked the attention she got from me. That hurts to be honest but also makes me a little annoyed someone who I was so good to would do me that way. I asked her why she'd keep me around if she knows it hurts me so much and she replied with "because I'm selfish". She was actually being honest about that I guess. And you explanation of a security blanket now makes sense to me. Geez, I could probably have caught what you meant the first time if my head didn't feel so screwed up right now. I feel almost like I've been living in a haze.

 

My sister also told me she kept me hooked by making me feel guilty (I'll mention my sis a lot bc she's prob my best friend). She told me my ex would say and do things to manipulate me and she even told me I was like a puppet for some of the ways she treated me.

 

I like your sister. ;)

 

All that makes you 'a little annoyed'? Well, that's a good start but if you find yourself thinking along the lines of 'WTF??? What a b*tch! After all I did for her, she just tells me "I'm selfish"??! Like that makes it okay?! I feel disgusted for ever having given her the time of my day!' - don't fret. :) It's all good! This is the beginning of your (JUSTIFIABLE) anger.

 

Anger is something people like you and I feel a bit weird about, naturally. Trust me - sometimes, there's no more wonderful emotion! When someone just repeatedly kicks you in the teeth, it's okay to want them to f*ck off! Don't worry, it will all pass, and you'll return to your completely in control, lovely self in good time. But, really, feel free to embrace it.

 

I feel ashamed of myself for letting something like this happen but I was so caught up I couldn't realize. I honestly still don't fully realize it but I think it's coming along.

 

Yeah. I get that. But I'm going to encourage you towards the anger thing, still. Her behaviour was worse than yours. Don't forget that. If this was a concious habit of yours, and you kept doing it, that's one thing. It wasn't - you're learning about it now. You can't feel guilty about something you genuinely didn't realise you were doing. That's like a potty-trained child feeling guilty that it spent the start of it's life needing a nappy! (Sorry for the dodgy analogy!) All you need to do - gradually - is become more aware of when you're putting someone else's needs before your own, and why you are doing this. If it's your gran, and she needs help with the shopping, that's one thing. But, if it's a GF or friend, or anyone else, who keeps being hideous to you and you just want to make sure you don't upset them any more - that's another.

 

It's nice to hear you say that I did her a favor by letting her go. I hope she one day realizes I could only do this bc I love her and respect me like you said, even though I was a little late. Do you think she will even though I was late on doing this? Also, I think maybe that is what the FB comment meant, but honestly you're right-- the more I try to think about what it is, it drives me nuts and makes me feel sad so I'll try to refrain from that.

 

Glad it helps. If she's able to truly sort her head out, she might. But she could be lazy and just jump ship to the next guy, and keep repeating her patterns. Many do. I guess you've heard the best 'revenge' is indifference? (Not that you want revenge - yet! :p) My point is, that whilst you care about this now - very reasonable, normal desire - by the time she's got anywhere near to that point, you will probably not give a sh*t. It usually pans out like that. For now, try to stop caring about what she's thinking. Again, not easy, but actually, it's irrelevant now. How you feel is all that matters.

 

About feeling guilty, as you said, I'm always the type who feels like I can make things happen if I work really hard and put myself into them. Like when I really want something, I think it's right. There isn't a whole lot I've messed up in my life; I've had my mistakes like most others. But I have always been really hard on myself when things don't go the way I want them. Does this sound reasonable as to why I'm taking this so hard? Maybe if I can pinpoint this now, I will be better off in the future and getting through this.

 

Okay - good - so we're digging into this now. I think we should(!) You're a perfectionist. That's okay - I have my tendencies! One of the hardest lessons for people like us to learn, though, is that we can't control everything! This desire to make things right actually comes from our ego (not self-esteem). The facts are - we can control ourselves. We have the most amazing ability to do so. BUT - we can't control others. No matter how much we'd like to, we can't. There are a few methods that licensed parties can enforce: imprisonment, physical restraint, withholding food, money etc. - but in a personal relationship with someone? Nope. Accept this. It will help you to focus more productively on yourself. Which is much better than being a perfectionist who's fretting so much they can't do anything! :)

 

When you talk about her finding self-respect, it makes me think about some of the things she's done. I don't judge anyone on their past but she's been with double the people I have in bed and has even been with other girls. She has made comments before saying stuff like she's an awful person and even about other girls and how pretty they are and she wishes she was that way. I always thought she was just kidding but maybe this is just how insecure of a person she is?

 

Ding ding! People don't tend to joke about stuff like that. Or if they do there's a huge rock-sized grain of truth to their jesting. Sleeping with lots of people doesn't HAVE to mean low self-esteem, but I can't tell you it's not symptomatic. I'd judge her more on her words and actions when she was with you, though. Again - mostly - NOT your problem any more! She'll be fine if she puts in the effort.

 

I definitely want to love again but not like this, you're right. It would've been so awesome if she could've reciprocated what I gave to her. I think she tried? I think of a lot of the good things she's done for me but that's probably not a good idea right now. I have a friend who just got engaged and I spoke with him yesterday. He told me that he's never had any doubts about him and his fiancee. He said if you start having any doubts, it probably isn't meant to be and better to be out. I can't even imagine finding something that awesome right now but that sounds great. I'll focus on myself in the meantime and heal before thinking of hanging out with any girls. I feel very unstable right now, like i'd probably bring up my ex or something lol and that wouldn't be good!

 

I suspect your ex did try - just not hard enough. I'm not sure about 'no doubts'. That's great if that happens, but I think a few doubts are pretty natural! It's if you're able to genuinely put them to rest that matters, in a sensible way, that matters. Anyway - woah tiger! Whilst I'm sure you will find true love, there's no need to think about looking for her for a while yet! One step at a time, Mr Perfectionist. You can build your Rome but let's keep digging at some decent foundations first, eh? ;)

 

You all, I'm feeling pretty insecure. I keep thinking maybe she cheated on me. She quit wanting to have sex a few weeks ago and just told me her sex drive was completely gone and she thought maybe it was from the stress and depression. I believed her. Well my friend just told me some guy had written on her facebook wall and it's a guy that I worried about her going for when she broke up with me the first time. She told me they never slept together but now he's writing on her wall so I'm sure she's talking with him. I deactivated my account, but my buddy must've thought it'd help me move forward better by telling me. Honestly, I'm worrying maybe she cheated on me bc I wasn't good enough for her in bed. I asked her once if she was bored with things or if there was anything she'd like better and she said everything was just fine and it wasn't me. Is this silly to worry about? I'm afraid it'll affect me mentally whenever I meet the next person I'm intimate with.

 

Also, she texted me this earlier, "Hey!! I found your shoes you've been looking for! What's your address so I can mail them to you!!"

I wrote her back 3 hrs later bc they're expensive shoes I was looking for, "my address, thanks"

She then replied back with, "Yep! :-)"

 

It's like she's acting so happy as if she's relieved it's over. She used to text all happy like that but wasn't like that at all the last few wks of our relationship. Is she just trying to get a reaction from me?

I feel very annoyed for some reason.

 

 

Okay. I've talked with you a little about this and I'll repeat - I, personally, don't think there was an issue with you there. You may find out she was cheating but please don't torture yourself with the possibility. It's a pretty normal male response, from what I can gather, but it's just more of that self-beating you can do without. All the 'what if's' are, ultimately pointless. It's quite possible a few home truths will smack you in the face when you least expect them, but don't create horror stories in your head. They'll just terrify you.

 

It is probably a good idea for you to tell your friend you don't want any 'gossip' about her, for a while. Actual news might be helpful - like if someone discovers she was definitely cheating (but how will they know for sure?) or that she's got together with someone. If a friend hears either of these, I can understand why they would want to let you know. Either piece of information could help you to spring into the Anger phase, and out of your Internalising. However, no news can often be best. Your focus should be on you. She is no longer part of your life, the sooner you're allowed/able to accept this, the faster you will heal.

 

Honestly, let her think she's happy. If she's hooking up with some guy, as hard as it may be to digest that, let her do it - but for God's sake stop talking to her. If she is really with some other guy, then there isn't NOTHING you can say to her to want you back at this point.

 

That being said, your only chance at redemption is going to be cutting her off and waiting for things to eff up with this new guy. Then she'll start to realize what she had and start blowing up your phone. Hopefully by that time you're over it because this girl is not worth your time.

 

If she's not with someone else, NC is still the way to go. Sounds like things have ended without a mess. If you can get through this seemingly unbearable first few weeks without her, you'll start to feel better.. and you'll be glad you didn't lose your dignity in the end.

 

P.S. Your friend sucks. WTH, really? Tell him to keep quiet about your ex, not another word. Or I'd ditch him until you're over it.

 

I agree with most of this but I'd just advise not to be too harsh with your friend, I'm sure he was trying to help.

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Honestly, let her think she's happy. If she's hooking up with some guy, as hard as it may be to digest that, let her do it - but for God's sake stop talking to her. If she is really with some other guy, then there isn't NOTHING you can say to her to want you back at this point.

 

That being said, your only chance at redemption is going to be cutting her off and waiting for things to eff up with this new guy. Then she'll start to realize what she had and start blowing up your phone. Hopefully by that time you're over it because this girl is not worth your time.

 

If she's not with someone else, NC is still the way to go. Sounds like things have ended without a mess. If you can get through this seemingly unbearable first few weeks without her, you'll start to feel better.. and you'll be glad you didn't lose your dignity in the end.

 

P.S. Your friend sucks. WTH, really? Tell him to keep quiet about your ex, not another word. Or I'd ditch him until you're over it.

 

 

The only way I'd want her back is if she was her normal self. She hasn't acted anywhere close to that the last few weeks. It feels as if she just put on a mask to win me over and then started acting horrible to me. I think my friend meant well, but I told him it's probably best to not talk about that stuff for now. It just hurts to think that she chose another guy over me after how good I tried to be to her.

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I like your sister. ;)

 

All that makes you 'a little annoyed'? Well, that's a good start but if you find yourself thinking along the lines of 'WTF??? What a b*tch! After all I did for her, she just tells me "I'm selfish"??! Like that makes it okay?! I feel disgusted for ever having given her the time of my day!' - don't fret. :) It's all good! This is the beginning of your (JUSTIFIABLE) anger.

 

Anger is something people like you and I feel a bit weird about, naturally. Trust me - sometimes, there's no more wonderful emotion! When someone just repeatedly kicks you in the teeth, it's okay to want them to f*ck off! Don't worry, it will all pass, and you'll return to your completely in control, lovely self in good time. But, really, feel free to embrace it.

 

That's exactly how I feel. I feel like if she ever tries to contact me again I'd tell her eff off. I seriously can't understand how she could be like she was to me after how hard I tried. And with her, it happened so fast: everything was good for months and she is telling me to never let her go and she wants to be with me then a few days later, she goes into distancing herself and being crappy to me. I'm also pissed bc I should've seen the red flags when she told me about her past. Hell, even the fact that she broke up with me a first time should've told me something. One thing I've noticed about her is she loves attention. When she started acting weird, she went and posted all these pics of her and her dogs laying in bed before they went to sleep. People would comment on them and I think it was all to get attention. She started putting up the weirdest status' too. I just can't stop thinking "how did I put so much effort into this attention whore".

 

 

Yeah. I get that. But I'm going to encourage you towards the anger thing, still. Her behaviour was worse than yours. Don't forget that. If this was a concious habit of yours, and you kept doing it, that's one thing. It wasn't - you're learning about it now. You can't feel guilty about something you genuinely didn't realise you were doing. That's like a potty-trained child feeling guilty that it spent the start of it's life needing a nappy! (Sorry for the dodgy analogy!) All you need to do - gradually - is become more aware of when you're putting someone else's needs before your own, and why you are doing this. If it's your gran, and she needs help with the shopping, that's one thing. But, if it's a GF or friend, or anyone else, who keeps being hideous to you and you just want to make sure you don't upset them any more - that's another.

 

I consider myself a high strung guy but very understanding and cool about things so I'll just tend to ignore some things. However, while I was with her I didn't always let her walk all over me. It wasn't until these last few weeks I let her get away with too much. I should've put up a wall immediately and ended it instead of letting things go on. I think maybe I was hoping it was just a phase and she'd snap out of it. Now when I think of the things she was doing, I know I shouldn't have put up with that crap. It makes me feel horrible about myself I'd let someone I love do that to me. You mentioned maybe she lost respect for me for this? That's hard to swallow and I think you may be right. However, I thought she was just depressed so I didn't want to say/do something that could make things worse for her. I thought that was a time I needed to be there for her.

 

 

Glad it helps. If she's able to truly sort her head out, she might. But she could be lazy and just jump ship to the next guy, and keep repeating her patterns. Many do. I guess you've heard the best 'revenge' is indifference? (Not that you want revenge - yet! :p) My point is, that whilst you care about this now - very reasonable, normal desire - by the time she's got anywhere near to that point, you will probably not give a sh*t. It usually pans out like that. For now, try to stop caring about what she's thinking. Again, not easy, but actually, it's irrelevant now. How you feel is all that matters.

 

Honestly, it probably sounds bad, but I do want revenge. I want her to feel like she's made a horrible mistake and realize what a good guy she's lost. I want her to try to come back so I can tell her how stupid I was for putting up with all her crap and how I'd be crazy to ever hang out with her again. Not even a good friend of mine would treat me as she did. I'm sure she's already talking to other guys getting attention and it just disgusts me. The first time when she broke up with me she came back 2 weeks after I went no contact pretty much begging to see me. She convinced me after weeks of acting PERFECT to get back with her. Now, she's back to shoving me to the side. I'm so effing stupid. She has to be one of the most selfish people I know, right? Do you think she'll repeat this pattern and try to get me back again?

 

 

Okay - good - so we're digging into this now. I think we should(!) You're a perfectionist. That's okay - I have my tendencies! One of the hardest lessons for people like us to learn, though, is that we can't control everything! This desire to make things right actually comes from our ego (not self-esteem). The facts are - we can control ourselves. We have the most amazing ability to do so. BUT - we can't control others. No matter how much we'd like to, we can't. There are a few methods that licensed parties can enforce: imprisonment, physical restraint, withholding food, money etc. - but in a personal relationship with someone? Nope. Accept this. It will help you to focus more productively on yourself. Which is much better than being a perfectionist who's fretting so much they can't do anything! :)

 

That sounds just like me. I guess where I get frustrated is thinking why the hell did I waste all my time into something that treats me like this? Why did I even want to control something like this?! I should've just accepted she was not good for me and not try to stick around and wait for her to change. She put on a good act in the beginning but that wore off and I guess I clung to hope she'd return to that person.

 

 

 

Ding ding! People don't tend to joke about stuff like that. Or if they do there's a huge rock-sized grain of truth to their jesting. Sleeping with lots of people doesn't HAVE to mean low self-esteem, but I can't tell you it's not symptomatic. I'd judge her more on her words and actions when she was with you, though. Again - mostly - NOT your problem any more! She'll be fine if she puts in the effort.

 

I think in her case, she has very very low self-esteem. Also, by how manipulative she has been, that's a characteristic of low self-esteem too isn't it? And the way she seeks attention from everyone? She always says how independent she is but she really comes off to me as a weak person bc it's as if she needs attention to survive. I'm starting to think she liked me so much bc I'd put up with her bs and give her the attention she craves. And when that wasn't enough, she starts pushing me away and finding it elsewhere.

 

 

I suspect your ex did try - just not hard enough. I'm not sure about 'no doubts'. That's great if that happens, but I think a few doubts are pretty natural! It's if you're able to genuinely put them to rest that matters, in a sensible way, that matters. Anyway - woah tiger! Whilst I'm sure you will find true love, there's no need to think about looking for her for a while yet! One step at a time, Mr Perfectionist. You can build your Rome but let's keep digging at some decent foundations first, eh? ;)

 

I hope my ex tried but she told me the first time she broke up with me when she gets overwhelmed and stressed, she doesn't know how to deal with stuff so she drops it or ignores it. I definitely agree- I need to give myself more time before being capable of hanging out with other girls. I still don't feel like I've begun to get my feet underneath me. I hope that happens soon!

 

 

Okay. I've talked with you a little about this and I'll repeat - I, personally, don't think there was an issue with you there. You may find out she was cheating but please don't torture yourself with the possibility. It's a pretty normal male response, from what I can gather, but it's just more of that self-beating you can do without. All the 'what if's' are, ultimately pointless. It's quite possible a few home truths will smack you in the face when you least expect them, but don't create horror stories in your head. They'll just terrify you.

 

It honestly does terrify me. It makes it feel as if everything just stand still and I get tunnel vision when I think that she might've cheated. Just thinking of her taking interest in another over me makes me feel so mad, upset, pissed, and so many different emotions. Is that normal? And how can I stop myself from trying to figure out if she has cheated or not? She lives hrs away and we don't really have any mutual friends that could give solid evidence.

 

 

It is probably a good idea for you to tell your friend you don't want any 'gossip' about her, for a while. Actual news might be helpful - like if someone discovers she was definitely cheating (but how will they know for sure?) or that she's got together with someone. If a friend hears either of these, I can understand why they would want to let you know. Either piece of information could help you to spring into the Anger phase, and out of your Internalising. However, no news can often be best. Your focus should be on you. She is no longer part of your life, the sooner you're allowed/able to accept this, the faster you will heal.

 

I had to get on my facebook to check a message from this outdoor club I'm in. I made the mistake of looking at her profile. She made this status late at night, like 11:30pm saying "working on my night cheddar" or something like that (don't know what the heck that means). Get this, the last 3 weeks we were together, she wouldn't talk to me past 8:30 bc she said she had to go to bed. She made that post the night after we broke up. It's like she was out celebrating or something. This really pissed me off and got me to thinking way too much. Is that stuff normal? Why does she appear so happy? My sister told me she thinks she's actually just a miserable person, not happy with herself and she's just acting like that.

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I'm very pleased you left her fray, she was sucking life out of you. Well done, glad mickleb and others have been giving you great support. This is NOT a mistake fray.

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I'm very pleased you left her fray, she was sucking life out of you. Well done, glad mickleb and others have been giving you great support. This is NOT a mistake fray.

 

Thanks Emilia. You had been telling me from the beginning of when I started posting this wasn't right. She was sucking the life out of me and still kind of is as I'm grieving. Hoping things get better soon. Thanks for all your support; it really does help a ton.

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Okay. So from your PMs, I understand that you contacted her for advice about your family dog, after it got injured and said she could call later to check how the dog was doing?

 

She checked up on the dog but you two started having a conversation about your relationship. You agreed to her calling you later that night, and you two continued to discuss your relationship and this ended in a row?

 

Have you read the No Contact guide? Are you familiar with the concept of 'picking the scab?' The more you learn about her, the more questions you will have. The more questions you have, the more painful this becomes.

 

You want to be left with as few questions as possible. When you break-up from someone, there are always questions. They spin around your head, so you try to figure them out, and when you can't, you can talk to people about them. There comes a point, after advice you've received and your own insight on these matters, when - somehow - you put this questions to bed.

 

Some kind of resolution happens that your rational mind can accept. It doesn't really matter what form that resolution comes in, as long as it's enough for your brain to digest and move on from.

 

You should be aiming to be dealing only with the questions you have about yourself. Not questions about her, or you two. You cannot change anything about her or your past. You can only change your future, if you wish to and if you are prepared to work on your present self.

 

Chemically, your brain needs to quieten. Do not have ANY further contact with her.

 

Ask the remaining questions you have here. Listen to all of the viewpoints you receive, and see how this fits with what you already know or feel. Then try to find an answer that makes sense to you. This is your last task for this relationship.

 

Then we'll look at where that leaves you, and what you need to think about in order to break any bad habits you've formed.

 

I hope this helps.

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Okay. So from your PMs, I understand that you contacted her for advice about your family dog, after it got injured and said she could call later to check how the dog was doing?

 

She checked up on the dog but you two started having a conversation about your relationship. You agreed to her calling you later that night, and you two continued to discuss your relationship and this ended in a row?

 

Have you read the No Contact guide? Are you familiar with the concept of 'picking the scab?' The more you learn about her, the more questions you will have. The more questions you have, the more painful this becomes.

 

You want to be left with as few questions as possible. When you break-up from someone, there are always questions. They spin around your head, so you try to figure them out, and when you can't, you can talk to people about them. There comes a point, after advice you've received and your own insight on these matters, when - somehow - you put this questions to bed.

 

Some kind of resolution happens that your rational mind can accept. It doesn't really matter what form that resolution comes in, as long as it's enough for your brain to digest and move on from.

 

You should be aiming to be dealing only with the questions you have about yourself. Not questions about her, or you two. You cannot change anything about her or your past. You can only change your future, if you wish to and if you are prepared to work on your present self.

 

Chemically, your brain needs to quieten. Do not have ANY further contact with her.

 

Ask the remaining questions you have here. Listen to all of the viewpoints you receive, and see how this fits with what you already know or feel. Then try to find an answer that makes sense to you. This is your last task for this relationship.

 

Then we'll look at where that leaves you, and what you need to think about in order to break any bad habits you've formed.

 

I hope this helps.

 

mickleb, you're right in everything you said- I was only picking the scab. However, after the conversation I had with her last night, I think it may have helped. She spoke absolutely disrespectful and rude to me last night to the point I asked myself why the heck was I ever with this person. For some reason she thought we could be friends and I explained to her I need to have my time to move on and heal then way down the road we could possibly be friends. She didn't take kindly to that idea at all and told me if I wasn't her friend then I should just hang up on her. I kept my cool the whole time tho and said some things I wanted to. She continued acting disrespectful and said she doesn't have anything wrong with her and it must've been the relationship because she is much happier now. I ended the conversation by telling her if she was happy now, that is all I need to hear.

 

I promise I'll keep my no contact now. Does it make sense that conversation helped me rather than hurt me? Like, it hurt at first but now I'm like, "that was so immature the way she just acted". She told me she had been smoking weed and drinking last night; I don't have anything against if people want to do that but with the way she's treated me, I can see there's no way I could be with this girl especially thinking of having a family one day.

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mickleb, you're right in everything you said- I was only picking the scab. However, after the conversation I had with her last night, I think it may have helped. She spoke absolutely disrespectful and rude to me last night to the point I asked myself why the heck was I ever with this person. For some reason she thought we could be friends and I explained to her I need to have my time to move on and heal then way down the road we could possibly be friends. She didn't take kindly to that idea at all and told me if I wasn't her friend then I should just hang up on her. I kept my cool the whole time tho and said some things I wanted to. She continued acting disrespectful and said she doesn't have anything wrong with her and it must've been the relationship because she is much happier now. I ended the conversation by telling her if she was happy now, that is all I need to hear.

 

I promise I'll keep my no contact now. Does it make sense that conversation helped me rather than hurt me? Like, it hurt at first but now I'm like, "that was so immature the way she just acted". She told me she had been smoking weed and drinking last night; I don't have anything against if people want to do that but with the way she's treated me, I can see there's no way I could be with this girl especially thinking of having a family one day.

 

Hi fray.

 

Hope you've been okay over the weekend.

 

I understand what you're saying about that contact being helpful because it made you more sure of your decision. Really, you should have been quite sure before you broke up with her, but never mind! :) (Don't try contacting her again, to see if that's 'helpful' too!)

 

I have to be fair to her and say that people don't tend to act consistently or especially rationally after they've been dumped but, perhaps, with the little distance you've had already, her behaving like this has bought back some unhappy memories of when you were together and she behaved similarly? The space you've had from her could be making her behaviour easier to judge. We can be very forgiving when we want to be. You're probably a lot less forgiving now. That makes sense.

 

How are things, for you, now?

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Hi fray.

 

Hope you've been okay over the weekend.

 

I understand what you're saying about that contact being helpful because it made you more sure of your decision. Really, you should have been quite sure before you broke up with her, but never mind! :) (Don't try contacting her again, to see if that's 'helpful' too!)

 

I have to be fair to her and say that people don't tend to act consistently or especially rationally after they've been dumped but, perhaps, with the little distance you've had already, her behaving like this has bought back some unhappy memories of when you were together and she behaved similarly? The space you've had from her could be making her behaviour easier to judge. We can be very forgiving when we want to be. You're probably a lot less forgiving now. That makes sense.

 

How are things, for you, now?

 

Hey mickleb,

 

Things are ok, a little better I think. I have to be honest and say over the wkend, it was really rough. While I originally thought talking to her that last time was more of a help, I don't think it was. During that conversation I got hints that she was hanging out with another guy which had me thinking about all kinds of things she could be doing with him. I keep thinking of things she said: "I think the break-up was mutual" and "I thought I was depressed but I'm better since being out of the relationship", along with her hanging up on me after I said goodbye. I feel like she broke up with me to be honest, ya know? I just hope she can see that. And another thing that she said was "I'd love to be your friend, I don't see why we can't talk every couple days. I still friends with some of my other exes"... I told her I'm not one of them and I have too many feelings for her to do that. She told me that was selfish of me. I just don't understand how she can say that "let's be friends" right now. I kinda feel like she might have been trying to keep me on the line with this and when i refused she told me I'm selfish to try to manipulate me to agree with her- does that sound about right? It'd just be more ammo for me to stay away if so. Also, I keep thinking things like "maybe I exagerated the whole thing and maybe I should've been more patient" and it's really eating at me like I'm trying to find something I did wrong. Can I get some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing and is this normal? I'm getting the urge to contact her but I'm going to fight it off, it's just really hard bc it feels like I miss her a lot right now.

 

Yesterday, I really got into the angry phase a lot. I was looking at all my priorities I ignored bc I was stressed about the relationship. I'm amazed by how much she let me get off track, even at my job. I promised myself yesterday that I'm getting things back on track even though I still feel a lot of emotions. She hasn't tried contacting me and this surprises me bc I don't understand how she could just leave things with me the way she last spoke with me. It was so rude and disrespectful and I know if it were me I'd rather leave with something nice. Would it be correct to say that this makes for a good chance she'll try to contact me? I want to be prepared. Do I just ignore her?

 

I wrote down a list of things she's done that have bothered me and read them each time I start to think of how I miss her. I think my mind is trying to play tricks on me bc I keep trying to think of what I did wrong that may have led her to act like she did. WHEWWW! It was one rough wkend but I didn't contact her and made it through even though I felt sick most of the time!

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Oh man I just got real weak here at work today. I had to get on my facebook to check a message and looked at her profile. I got the urge to contact her really bad, but I immediately called my dad and he told me it was a bad idea. He calmed me down a lot and I never contacted her so I guess that's a step forward. What I wanna ask is this normal? It's the worst urge I've had yet to contact her, but I've also been sitting in front of my computer all day at work. I felt so anxious I was shaking and started walking back forth in the hallways. I stayed strong though and still no contact. I'm just hoping to get some support from the forum as well on this. Have you all had that feeling? Is this bc I'm the one who ended things? She still hasn't tried contacting me since I told her no contact and she hung up on me.

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Hey mickleb,

 

Things are ok, a little better I think. I have to be honest and say over the wkend, it was really rough. While I originally thought talking to her that last time was more of a help, I don't think it was. During that conversation I got hints that she was hanging out with another guy which had me thinking about all kinds of things she could be doing with him. I keep thinking of things she said: "I think the break-up was mutual" and "I thought I was depressed but I'm better since being out of the relationship", along with her hanging up on me after I said goodbye. I feel like she broke up with me to be honest, ya know? I just hope she can see that.

 

She may be hanging out with another guy, but you have finished with her. She has the right to do this now, however painful you may find it. If she is, pity him, he'll have to deal with her manipulation now.

 

She's trying to save her pride with the things she's saying. Her pride seems more important than you, anyway. Let her have it. You got the strength to end it. You can be proud of that. She knows what she did wrong.

 

And another thing that she said was "I'd love to be your friend, I don't see why we can't talk every couple days. I still friends with some of my other exes"... I told her I'm not one of them and I have too many feelings for her to do that. She told me that was selfish of me. I just don't understand how she can say that "let's be friends" right now. I kinda feel like she might have been trying to keep me on the line with this and when i refused she told me I'm selfish to try to manipulate me to agree with her- does that sound about right? It'd just be more ammo for me to stay away if so. Also, I keep thinking things like "maybe I exagerated the whole thing and maybe I should've been more patient" and it's really eating at me like I'm trying to find something I did wrong. Can I get some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing and is this normal? I'm getting the urge to contact her but I'm going to fight it off, it's just really hard bc it feels like I miss her a lot right now.

 

She's very manipulative, from what I can see. What, specifically, did you exaggerate? If you want to share your list here of things she did wrong, please do. You have had many others tell you you did the right thing, though, haven't you? Write down the the things you have doubts about here. I'll comment honestly on them. Maybe others will.

 

It is quite natural to miss her. You want her back as she was when she respected you. Please remember that things changed.

 

Yesterday, I really got into the angry phase a lot. I was looking at all my priorities I ignored bc I was stressed about the relationship. I'm amazed by how much she let me get off track, even at my job. I promised myself yesterday that I'm getting things back on track even though I still feel a lot of emotions.

 

This is really healthy. Try to focus on this.

 

She hasn't tried contacting me and this surprises me bc I don't understand how she could just leave things with me the way she last spoke with me. It was so rude and disrespectful and I know if it were me I'd rather leave with something nice. Would it be correct to say that this makes for a good chance she'll try to contact me? I want to be prepared. Do I just ignore her?

 

It's good she hasn't tried to contact you. Maybe she's accepted your decision. You asked her not to contact you. It's going to be painful. She didn't respect you in the relationship, why do you expect her to do this now you've ended it? What does the NC guide say about if she contacts you? (You ignore her completely. Do not answer the phone or open any emails, etc.)

 

I wrote down a list of things she's done that have bothered me and read them each time I start to think of how I miss her. I think my mind is trying to play tricks on me bc I keep trying to think of what I did wrong that may have led her to act like she did. WHEWWW! It was one rough wkend but I didn't contact her and made it through even though I felt sick most of the time!

 

Don't beat yourself up! Keep writing the list of things she did though, that will help to keep you rational.

 

Sorry you had such a bad weekend but well done for your first weekend of NC! It will get easier the longer you stick to it.

 

Oh man I just got real weak here at work today. I had to get on my facebook to check a message and looked at her profile.

 

Are you reading the NC guide every day? Why haven't you blocked her from Facebook? Do this now.

 

I got the urge to contact her really bad, but I immediately called my dad and he told me it was a bad idea. He calmed me down a lot and I never contacted her so I guess that's a step forward. What I wanna ask is this normal? It's the worst urge I've had yet to contact her, but I've also been sitting in front of my computer all day at work. I felt so anxious I was shaking and started walking back forth in the hallways. I stayed strong though and still no contact. I'm just hoping to get some support from the forum as well on this. Have you all had that feeling? Is this bc I'm the one who ended things? She still hasn't tried contacting me since I told her no contact and she hung up on me.

 

Hurrah for your Dad! Well done for calling him and not her. Every time you resist the urge is a step forward. Everyone gets urges like this, it's not because you ended things. It's actually more likely for the dumpee to break NC, from what I'm aware - to try to persuade the ex to come back.

 

You should be grateful she is not contact you. That's one of the more respectful things she's done of late.

 

Why did you want to contact her earlier today? What would you have said?

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She may be hanging out with another guy, but you have finished with her. She has the right to do this now, however painful you may find it. If she is, pity him, he'll have to deal with her manipulation now.

 

She's trying to save her pride with the things she's saying. Her pride seems more important than you, anyway. Let her have it. You got the strength to end it. You can be proud of that. She knows what she did wrong.

 

 

 

She's very manipulative, from what I can see. What, specifically, did you exaggerate? If you want to share your list here of things she did wrong, please do. You have had many others tell you you did the right thing, though, haven't you? Write down the the things you have doubts about here. I'll comment honestly on them. Maybe others will.

 

It is quite natural to miss her. You want her back as she was when she respected you. Please remember that things changed.

 

 

 

This is really healthy. Try to focus on this.

 

 

 

It's good she hasn't tried to contact you. Maybe she's accepted your decision. You asked her not to contact you. It's going to be painful. She didn't respect you in the relationship, why do you expect her to do this now you've ended it? What does the NC guide say about if she contacts you? (You ignore her completely. Do not answer the phone or open any emails, etc.)

 

 

 

Don't beat yourself up! Keep writing the list of things she did though, that will help to keep you rational.

 

Sorry you had such a bad weekend but well done for your first weekend of NC! It will get easier the longer you stick to it.

 

 

 

Are you reading the NC guide every day? Why haven't you blocked her from Facebook? Do this now.

 

 

 

Hurrah for your Dad! Well done for calling him and not her. Every time you resist the urge is a step forward. Everyone gets urges like this, it's not because you ended things. It's actually more likely for the dumpee to break NC, from what I'm aware - to try to persuade the ex to come back.

 

You should be grateful she is not contact you. That's one of the more respectful things she's done of late.

 

Why did you want to contact her earlier today? What would you have said?

 

 

mickleb, I've been having some health problems over the last month or two and yesterday they were really taking a toll on my mentally especially with everything else. Also, I had some things happen in my family yesterday. I feel so ashamed to tell you this but I talked to her on the phone. It's like everything piled up and I was going to pass out if I didn't contact her. First things first, I have a checkup at my doctor today for the health concern so I'm going to mention to him I have a lot of anxiety. It's to the point I'm having all these crazy thoughts. It's like I know what I should be thinking and what is right but my mind has nothing but negative thoughts in it.

 

When I say I feel like I may have exagerated things, I mean that maybe the stress from my health concern made me overthink things or pushed her to be unhappy. However, I rarely even talked about it but I worry maybe it made me act weird. When I spoke with her yesterday she was coherent and told me that being out of the relationship has been a lot better for her. She said she knew she was being short with me and didn't know why but she was much happier knowing that she didn't have to worry about hurting me anymore. She said she doesn't want me to be sitting at my house while she's going out and have to worry about her hooking up with another guy. She said she isn't interested in anyone and just wants to spend time with her pets. Then she also mentioned she hasn't messed around with anyone but did makeout with her best friend that's a girl? It's just she seems completely fine and here I am having to go to the doctor bc I'm getting sick from depression. It makes me feel like I was a burden to her or something. I talked to my sister for a while and she told me that my ex is just not a good person and is the type that needs to be alone. I guess when I called her I just wanted to hear how she was doing and see if she's having as hard a time as me which was definitely not the case.

 

The health problems I'm having are hormonal which is probably weird to hear from a male, but I've been trying to get things sorted out with my doctor. I just wish I had someone to lean on and talk to. Is it just where I'm used to her I feel the need to call her? Also, I'm not sure if my doc is going to give me something for the anxiety but I want to ask if it's a good or bad thing if he does? Will it help me or make things more difficult in the long run? I know you're not a doctor but you mentioned you have dealt with depression before. I just feel like the combination of everything that's happened: running over my dog, family problems, health problems, and the breakup is taking a toll on my body and I can't control it. I'm a little embarrassed to say this but it's the truth.

 

Again, I'm so sorry I talked to her mickleb. I just feel awful and out of control for doing it. It hurts me she seems better off without me me but I told her that if she was happy that helps me. If she's like this should I just look at it as she's not the one for me then? It's weird bc I know things wouldn't ever work out with us in the long run, but at this time in my life I feel l need her. Maybe it's the fact that she doesn't want me anymore that is making me feel this way. Would that make sense?

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