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10 years together, 1 year fiancee, Now Gone :|


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Hello Everyone,

 

Well I thought I was never going to return back to the love shack but here I am again...Here is my story..I met my fiancee 11 years ago..I was 15 and she was 14..We basically grew up together..but our relationship has been a roller coaster ride..we pretty much stayed together then broke up..got back together then broke up again..anyways, I asked her to marry me on September 9th 2010..but about 5 month she broke up the engagement..It was really hard on me during that time..

 

On Feb 2011 I left the U.S.A on voluntary departure..not because of the engagement but I simply got pulled over by immigration..I was living in the United States since I can remember..went through all the school system but was cut short from college due to my departure...back to my story..So, Once i was in Mexico..I called my family, including my ex..Once she found out what had happen.. She came over to visit me and we got back together again..We were engage again..We manage to get a the ring but 6 month after that bam! she broke up the engagement again... but this time I knew she was not coming back.. We would still hang out and act like we were together, but we weren't..Going back in time to our relationship..There were many reason for our break ups.. and I believe we broke up so much was because we were immature..We met at a really young age..and during our relationship though, she would be the one doing the break ups..

 

In 11 years of been together I never did any of the break ups..They were always for many different reason..I'll name a few: back in my teens I used to be a pot smoker..eventually she found out and got really angry and left me..I quit smoking after break up..It was not worth losing the girl I love for pot..okay so we got back together..another reason: I got mad because she was hanging out with some guy from a mechanic shop..I called her told her what she was doing riding in the car with the guy..she got angry and broke up with me..she eventually came back to me..thus we got back together..again..remember all this happen years ago..we were both young and immature..

 

fast forward to our 20's. By this time we both found God in our life and we accepted Jesus :D..so we were together for a good amount of time..then she broke up with me again!! This time because she was about to start a disciple program for 9 month so she decided to break up with me, but told me to wait for her and so I did.. We did not talk for that time but sometimes saw each other due to work..okay so after her program was done we still did not talk or see each other..one day I was feeling really down so i gave her a call and she picked up..I asked her if i can see her and told her how I seriously found Jesus in my life.. which I did..so we saw each other, talked for a really long time..and our friendship was reconcile. So once we started hanging out again, I found out that during her program she met and was seeing this 40 year old man -sigh- i know..she was 23.. I dont know if they were dating but the pics I found really hurt me bad.. they were pictures of them in California Adventure Park..no kissing pictures but they were hugging..that hurt me really really bad...here i was waiting for her and bam i get hit with that!! So i confront her about it..turns out she did not really wanted to go with him to the park but did anyways...she said that he was really boring.. and that she was thinking about me the whole time...then she tells me that this guy did not accept her for who she was and told her "we can change that" meaning her character.. this same guy asked her to marry him , but she asked herself why should i marry a person I dont know...anyways.. I forgive her for everything..we weren't even dating when that happen...so we got back together..

 

fast forward to sept 9th 2010 I asked her to marry me and she said yes with tears in her eyes..but 5 month after that she broke the engagement...then came Feb and as I told you I left the country on voluntary departure..we got back together here in Mexico in Feb of 2011.. -sigh- but broke the engagement again about 8 month into our engagement..We kept seeing each other until a month from now..

 

On June 25th 2012 was the last time I saw her..Before she left we had a fight over nothing...but made up right before she crossed the border..gosh i miss her so much...It's been about 5 weeks of no contact..She took me off from her facebook..and recently either deleted me from skype or blocked me..What I dont understand is that during our relationship, I never cheated, hit, abuse, or hurt her in anyway..I loved her, kept our relationship fresh with dates, picking small flowers for her during our walks, took care of her while her been sick, took her out to dinners, coffee dates, we joined ministries together..I can think of a million things we used to do together...but I don't blame her for her decision..Sure, I've been sweet caring and loving but I do have my own problems... I tend to be selfish sometimes and jealous..but the main reason why I believe she choose to leave is because She has a calling to go serve a mission and she wants to fulfill God's plan for her..and in a way I've been interfering...She did ask me if I wanted to go with her and I really do but i kept arguing about getting the money to go..so in a way i made it sound that it wasn't for me which I know it made her really sad...

 

I think i finally just have to let her go.. if we were ment to be, we would of been married by now..11 years together is a really long time..I do forgive her for the times she hurt me and she forgives me for the time I hurt her..but i think it's finally over..My hope and prayer is that someday we will get married, but I think at this point the chances are really slim..If i am not the one for her then I just pray whoever is, Is not an abusive person but a man of God that can do what I wasn't able to do... thanks all for reading and sorry for been so long

 

It's been about 5 weeks of no contact..she deleted me from facebook and now skype...-sigh-

I've talk to her mother, her mother really loves me as a son since ive been with that family for years..

Her mother said to give her space and time..that she really loves me and not to think she is with

someone else..

Edited by sage1320
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OK, given your history with this girl, it sounds as if your ex has GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome. In other words, her mentality is "Oh crap! I've only been in one serious relationship in my life so he can't POSSIBLY be the one unless I see other people because I have little to no dating and life experience." Frequently, these girls don't have the capacity to commit to anything serious and also want to live life without being tied down or answering to anyone. In the words of my ex, she wants to "do what she wants, when she wants, and with whoever she wants." The clues are all right there...

 

1) You guys started dating from a young age and have been a very long term relationship

 

2)

our relationship has been a roller coaster ride..we pretty much stayed together then broke up..got back together then broke up again..

 

She is VERY wishy-washy with her behavior. She likes the fantasy of getting married but when the situation became "too real", she backed off....multiple times.

 

3)

There were many reason for our break ups.. and I believe we broke up so much was because we were immature..We met at a really young age..and during our relationship though, she would be the one doing the break ups..

 

Your intuition has been right all along. She IS immature because unlike most people her age, she hasn't been able to learn from and make the mistakes that immature, young, single people make.

 

4)

In 11 years of been together I never did any of the break ups..

 

I hate to break it to you...but your relationship has been a roller-coaster because you've been her doormat. No matter what she's done in the past, you've been quick to forgive and take her back. You're Mr. Dependable and Reliable, and she knows this. Want more evidence of this?

 

This time because she was about to start a disciple program for 9 month so she decided to break up with me, but told me to wait for her and so I did..

 

What a perfect opportunity for her to go off on her own and do the things she wants to do as a single woman (be more adventurous, possibly meeting other guys)! She let you go because 1) she knew that you'd take her back no questions asked and 2) to lessen her own guilt from doing "single woman" things. And yet more evidence of you being a doormat...

 

I found out that during her program she met and was seeing this 40 year old man -sigh- i know..she was 23.. I dont know if they were dating but the pics I found really hurt me bad.. they were pictures of them in California Adventure Park..no kissing pictures but they were hugging..that hurt me really really bad...here i was waiting for her and bam i get hit with that!! So i confront her about it..turns out she did not really wanted to go with him to the park but did anyways...she said that he was really boring.. and that she was thinking about me the whole time...then she tells me that this guy did not accept her for who she was and told her "we can change that" meaning her character.. this same guy asked her to marry him , but she asked herself why should i marry a person I dont know...anyways.. I forgive her for everything..we weren't even dating when that happen...so we got back together..

 

Don't be so sure that she's telling you the truth. When a girl cheats, she won't admit it. Take a look at the threads around here on LS. There's a lot of stories similar to yours where guy suspects girl of cheating, she denies it vehemently, and he finds out about it down the road. She knew there was a chance she'd meet other guys during this program so she broke it off to lessen her guilt of potentially cheating. To be honest though, this is effectively the same as cheating because it was already determined you would get back together. The emotional hurt would be the same regardless of whether she was technically with you or not. Anyway, she played you for a fool and with you being a doormat, you still took her back.

 

So, how should you proceed from here on out? First, you need to go NC - that means no email, no phone call, no text, NOTHING! Take this time to heal yourself because she won't emotionally mature for a long while - I would say at least one year. I suspect that during this time, she will drop breadcrumbs in the near future - insignificant text message, emails, or phone calls saying "how are you?" or something to that effect. Ignore these! It is her job to try to win you back and NOT the other way around. If she truly wanted to work things out again, she would say something much more substantial or crawl on broken glass to get to you. Remember that she's the one who broke up with you EVERY time and broke off the engagements. Do NOT take her back so easily! Besides, girls like challenges and you don't want to or deserve to be the safe, secure SECOND option. Her deleting you on Facebook may hurt now, but this may actually be a blessing in disguise. It'll make NC and personal healing that much easier - without having to see her status posts and pictures (quite possibly of her with new guys in the future). What else can you do in the meantime?

 

I got mad because she was hanging out with some guy from a mechanic shop..I called her told her what she was doing riding in the car with the guy..she got angry and broke up with me..she eventually came back to me..thus we got back together..again..remember all this happen years ago..we were both young and immature..

 

It appears you have insecurity and jealousy issues that you need to work on. Well, at least you admit it so now is the time to start making changes! If reconciliation were to happen in the future, both of you would need to make changes to yourselves. She would have to emotionally mature/get over her commitment issues and you would need to learn to stop being a doormat and stop being insecure/jealous. Now, I could be wrong here and maybe there were clues to her cheating with this mechanic (whether physically or emotionally). If not, I can see why she'd be angry and frustrated with you.

 

I know this situation is really rough...I can't even fathom what it's like to be in an 11 year relationship but you need to take this time for YOURSELF and God (being that you're someone of strong Christian faith). In other words, as hard as it is, don't dwell on her and start taking her off the pedestal. With time, you'll realize that without those rose-tinted glasses, maybe she wasn't as great of a girlfriend as you thought. Participate in activities that make you happy and go out there and meet people! Date whenever you're emotionally ready and who knows? Maybe you'll meet someone who isn't a wishy-washy flake, is emotionally mature, and willing to commit. Below are a couple guides (the first two about the Grass is Greener Syndrome and the third about No Contact that have helped me through the process) Good luck!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome I know this is a long thread, but it's a worthwhile read!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/279056-dumped-someone-g-i-g-s-all-your-questions-answered-within-thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/81399-no-contact-q-you-ls-newbies

Edited by Pod81
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I would listen to Mom. She knows her daughter just like you do. Take a deep breath and say out loud (I Deserve better and I am Strong!) seriously this works for me.

 

Hang in there buddy

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Hey Thank you for your reply, I read through everything and wow!! I think she does have G.I.G.S...

 

"I hate to break it to you...but your relationship has been a roller-coaster because you've been her doormat. No matter what she's done in the past, you've been quick to forgive and take her back. You're Mr. Dependable and Reliable, and she knows this. Want more evidence of this? "

 

You are right, I can't believe I've been her doormat...I have always been there for her even after we aren't together anymore..

 

What a perfect opportunity for her to go off on her own and do the things she wants to do as a single woman (be more adventurous, possibly meeting other guys)! She let you go because 1) she knew that you'd take her back no questions asked and 2) to lessen her own guilt from doing "single woman" things. And yet more evidence of you being a doormat...

 

To be honest though, this is effectively the same as cheating because it was already determined you would get back together. The emotional hurt would be the same regardless of whether she was technically with you or not. Anyway, she played you for a fool and with you being a doormat, you still took her back.

 

I didn't realize, but when her 9 month program was finish, we did get back together, she told me that She did not think i was going to take her back even after I found out she was with the other guy..wow! more power to her for me been Mr. Dependable..and I did get emotionally hurt regardless that we weren't together..that made my jealousy spike..

 

So, how should you proceed from here on out? First, you need to go NC - that means no email, no phone call, no text, NOTHING! Take this time to heal yourself because she won't emotionally mature for a long while - I would say at least one year. I suspect that during this time, she will drop breadcrumbs in the near future - insignificant text message, emails, or phone calls saying "how are you?" or something to that effect. Ignore these! It is her job to try to win you back and NOT the other way around. If she truly wanted to work things out again, she would say something much more substantial or crawl on broken glass to get to you. Remember that she's the one who broke up with you EVERY time and broke off the engagements. Do NOT take her back so easily!

 

Yes, i will go no contact, its been about a month now since we last spoke...I will take this time to heal although it is really difficult..She is going to go on a 6 month mission trip soon and I think healing should be easier..

 

It appears you have insecurity and jealousy issues that you need to work on.

 

yeah, I admit I do have some insecurity and jealousy issues, but the reason is because she broke my trust...I did not mention this but on one of the times we got back together, she mention she actually had sex with some guy because she thought i was having sex with some girl..This happen after we had broken up back when we were in High School..She did not tell me this after about 5 years it had happen..She told me this after she was done with her disciple program.. she said she felt really bad that night and she wanted to kill herself...I told her that, I forgive her and that I loved her no matter what!! but you know what.!! after she told me this my emotions were ripped to shreds..In all our relationship I have never had sex with no other girls,but her..and even though this had happen a really long time ago, I felt betrayed..hurt..sad..beaten..ripped apart.. but I choose to forgive her that night and tell her that I loved her no matter what.!! she cried and she cried all night..I can tell she was really hurtful and sorry for what she did..and I admire her for bringing it out to the surface instead of living a lie..I took her back...but I shouldn't of..I was not ready to take her back yet but I did anyways because I missed her and love her so much..After this I was able to see she actually wanted to be in a relationship with me..but I was hurtful, emotionally unstable..images would pop in my mind of her having sex with the other guy.. I did not let my self heal first which caused problems in our relationship..even though she was back in my life, I was happy but hurt at the same time and it showed because there would be days where I would ignore her and stay quiet...Now, I realize I was been selfish by taken her back..

 

I know this situation is really rough...I can't even fathom what it's like to be in an 11 year relationship but you need to take this time for YOURSELF and God (being that you're someone of strong Christian faith). In other words, as hard as it is, don't dwell on her and start taking her off the pedestal. With time, you'll realize that without those rose-tinted glasses, maybe she wasn't as great of a girlfriend as you thought. Participate in activities that make you happy and go out there and meet people! Date whenever you're emotionally ready and who knows? Maybe you'll meet someone who isn't a wishy-washy flake, is emotionally mature, and willing to commit

 

yes its really tough, I love this girl..but I do need to take this time for God, and my self..Thank You so much for writing..it is really great to get input on this relationship from different people..

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A couple other things worth mentioning....One, although there is a chance she may re-enter your life at some point in the future (could be months or years down the line), consider the possibility that either 1) she doesn't reach out ever again or 2) if she does, she doesn't show any signs of wanting to reconcile. So, be prepared to live life without her and please don't ever be friends with her as long as you have ANY romantic feelings for her. As difficult as this may sound now, don't live your life hanging onto the hope that she'll come back in the future. Hope is a real killer, and it'll cause you to miss opportunities to meet great, wonderful people out there. If she does come back in the future, deal with it then but don't think about crossing that bridge until you actually get there.

 

Also...if there's anything that would make you heal a bit faster, know that there was little to NOTHING you could have done to prevent the breakup. Sure, we all have our flaws to fix (and who's perfect?), but she knew damn well for 11 years what your flaws were. So evidently, they weren't really deal-breakers because otherwise, you wouldn't have dated her for so long. To quote myself from another thread, you could have been Prince Charming with an eight pack and she'd still have commitment issues. Regardless, you should work on your flaws for whichever girl comes up next in your life.

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So, be prepared to live life without her and please don't ever be friends with her as long as you have ANY romantic feelings for her. As difficult as this may sound now, don't live your life hanging onto the hope that she'll come back in the future. Hope is a real killer, and it'll cause you to miss opportunities to meet great, wonderful people out there. If she does come back in the future, deal with it then but don't think about crossing that bridge until you actually get there.

 

Great Advice..Thank You

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