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Gf hides that she was once a boy... should I try to forgive her? What would you do?


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lovematters1

Well there's this girl. She's pretty blond with beautiful large eyes great tan and the best personality I could asked for she's charming funny independent articulate goal oriented romantic supportive and I could see her as my wife someday. She's 23 and she was a virgin before I met her... We dated 8 months before exclusively and we both know we want to spend forever with each other. I kind of knew that the day I met her. So it's been a year now I plan to pop the question any moment now I really do but there's this that I found out. Which in any case I'd really be angry upset to maybe the point of violence I don't like being deceived and not want anything to do with her... Upset that I feel a bit deceived which I do feel. She's never even mentioned she couldn't have kids and she knows that's what I wanted. I've also seen her childhood pictures but no baby pictures except one but she was in neutral colors. She had one picture she said her mom dressed her up like a boy back then. And I believed never thought anything of it. All 5 and up she was a regular little girl appearing to be at least... Well my cousin recognized her mother back like 20 years ago they used to be friends and close until she moved away... I'm 21 btw... She was like 3 back then. Her mom didn't have a daughter. She had a son back then. She is half latino and supposedly of this type of disease it's usual there. To me the thing is what's so like I really have hard time accepting she can't acknowledge this. That she always that's all she is is female that's what she was born even now that I've found out otherwise. She supposedly insisted she was a female until she was 4 when her parents let her have her way... I don't like feeling like I'm being lied to my face. First thing she actually said was she was born with 5-ard. Which I looked up is generally seems like not an intersex condition. Just that she looks female down there is just apart of an enzyme mistake she'd have been a regular male if she hadn't tried not to be... I read these individuals grow into phenotypical males once puberty hits they develop supposedly completely into male... So to me it's like it's all just this deception. I mean she could have told me before it got intimate but she was willing to never tell me... And I don't know anymore I love her but I feel tricked I can't stand it I want to though because I love her completely... So right now we're separated I wish it weren't this way but she was so dishonest to start with anyway advice?

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freetolove

Sorry to hear that =( right now, it' just damage control, do you feel like you're okay with it? If not, start working on moving on with your life.

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Do you love her as a person, or do you love her because she has / (had by all appearances) female genitalia?

 

See how worked up you got because of this issue? What do you think would have happened to her if everyone knew about this? Her life would be living hell, and to her the past does not define her as much as it seems to define her in your eyes.

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Professor X

Not sure if I read this right. She was born a boy and later on in her life she evolved into a girl? But now missing some female organs ?

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lovematters1
Do you love her as a person, or do you love her because she has / (had by all appearances) female genitalia?

 

See how worked up you got because of this issue? What do you think would have happened to her if everyone knew about this? Her life would be living hell, and to her the past does not define her as much as it seems to define her in your eyes.

I love her for everything I knew of her before but I just keep asking myself is it all fake really? I mean what else is she hiding that I should know?

 

I just wish she would have told me a while back I wouldn't have told everyone else I would've decided if I wanted to go forward or not... This just makes things worst I want things to go bck before I knew this just don't know how because I keep having all these questions I know would be insulting but they're just there. I can't help it like I wonder a lot now as her as a guy... Also this is bad on me emotionally I click perfectly with her what that makes me... Also everything she says and does I just feel like are we pretending or what is this? Is it all fake? I mean what I like in her physically first of all mentally what if it's just another lie but I still love what we had never found anything of what we had before now...

Not sure if I read this right. She was born a boy and later on in her life she evolved into a girl? But now missing some female organs ?

no she had been supposedly born with 'female' appearing parts at birth but with her condition they change over to male usually these people are phenotypical males and can have children with help (father children). Usually these people are mentally identifying with males and not females. But she didn't for some weird reasonshe identifies as a female and did since she can first remember. So pretty much she just lacked an enzyme and transitioned from that because she was assigned the male sex at birth so obviously they didn't even think she was a girl she had to saay it for people to change her... She pretty much had a sex change due to some technicality

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5-alpha-reductase_deficiency

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I love her for everything I knew of her before but I just keep asking myself is it all fake really? I mean what else is she hiding that I should know?

That I can understand, and it does feel like a betrayal (I won't bore you with all the details of how certain expectations about gender shape our perceptions). Because the idea you had of her, proved to be false. She even may have led you on, simply not knowing how to broach this subject - and the fact that you are struggling to come to terms with this bit of her past, suggests that it is not an easy thing to talk about for her as well. To her, telling you sooner may have resulted in you ending things unilaterally, and that is not something that is easy to cope with.

 

This is a very difficult position to be in for her. To her, the accident of her birth does not define her as a person, and she does not want to be defined by the circumstances of her birth. She may be genetically male. However, from what you have described her identity is firmly in the "female" camp, and as such she formed this relationship with you.

 

I can't help it like I wonder a lot now as her as a guy... Also this is bad on me emotionally I click perfectly with her what that makes me... Also everything she says and does I just feel like are we pretending or what is this? Is it all fake? I mean what I like in her physically first of all mentally what if it's just another lie but I still love what we had never found anything of what we had before now...

No it is not all fake. Her identity is firmly female. She probably does not even have much recollection of what life was like being "male", since she was quite young when she had the operations. To her, she is female, and she has been female in the past 18 years or so. She happened to be born with a condition that made her intersex, and since becoming a girl certainly infertile (infertility among women is not as rare as we think, btw).

 

I can see you are really struggling with the dichotomy between "male" and "female", and that is quite natural, given the way society produces and reproduces this dichotomy. If you really love her, I would suggest to you to try and contact her, and see a specialist counselor on this. Because it is really upsetting to the both of you, and neither of you seems to want to define her by the circumstances of her birth and early childhood.

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This is a difficult thing for someone to accept and she should have been honest about it very early in the relationship. She's genetically male and should have confessed this, just as anyone who had a sex change (no matter how long ago) should confess to a partner. It was wrong of her to continue the relationship for a whole year without letting you know, though I can kinda understand why she did, as she expects to be dumped as soon as someone finds out.

 

There are several issues here:

 

She can't have children - is this a dealbreaker for you?

 

She's legally male (I assume), so would your marriage be classed as a gay marriage or not even recognized in some states?

 

She's genetically male and has testes instead of ovaries, even though she looks female on the outside - does this creep you out?

 

 

I get the feeling that her inability to have children is already a dealbreaker for you without even considering the other issues. The vast majority of men would walk away in this situation. Only you can make the decision whether you can accept her as she is or not.

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lovematters1

Yeah I guess that's wht I've got to do I know I want this to work but it's also embarrassing to my family now they know. It hurts my image and it hurts that I can't trust but I understand her reason because most likely wouldn't have continued say 6 months into the relationship...

That I can understand, and it does feel like a betrayal (I won't bore you with all the details of how certain expectations about gender shape our perceptions). Because the idea you had of her, proved to be false. She even may have led you on, simply not knowing how to broach this subject - and the fact that you are struggling to come to terms with this bit of her past, suggests that it is not an easy thing to talk about for her as well. To her, telling you sooner may have resulted in you ending things unilaterally, and that is not something that is easy to cope with.

 

This is a very difficult position to be in for her. To her, the accident of her birth does not define her as a person, and she does not want to be defined by the circumstances of her birth. She may be genetically male. However, from what you have described her identity is firmly in the "female" camp, and as such she formed this relationship with you.

 

 

No it is not all fake. Her identity is firmly female. She probably does not even have much recollection of what life was like being "male", since she was quite young when she had the operations. To her, she is female, and she has been female in the past 18 years or so. She happened to be born with a condition that made her intersex, and since becoming a girl certainly infertile (infertility among women is not as rare as we think, btw).

 

I can see you are really struggling with the dichotomy between "male" and "female", and that is quite natural, given the way society produces and reproduces this dichotomy. If you really love her, I would suggest to you to try and contact her, and see a specialist counselor on this. Because it is really upsetting to the both of you, and neither of you seems to want to define her by the circumstances of her birth and early childhood.

honestly I just wish I never knew this to begin with but honestly don't know really since I always wanted kids with whoever I married... Idk it's far ahead of now but how can I commit to her forever if it's not perfect I guess I'll have to discuss with a therapist I'll update on wht I decide

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lovematters1
This is a difficult thing for someone to accept and she should have been honest about it very early in the relationship. She's genetically male and should have confessed this, just as anyone who had a sex change (no matter how long ago) should confess to a partner. It was wrong of her to continue the relationship for a whole year without letting you know, though I can kinda understand why she did, as she expects to be dumped as soon as someone finds out.

 

There are several issues here:

 

She can't have children - is this a dealbreaker for you?

 

She's legally male (I assume), so would your marriage be classed as a gay marriage or not even recognized in some states?

 

She's genetically male and has testes instead of ovaries, even though she looks female on the outside - does this creep you out?

 

 

I get the feeling that her inability to have children is already a dealbreaker for you without even considering the other issues. The vast majority of men would walk away in this situation. Only you can make the decision whether you can accept her as she is or not.

It's something I would have wanted to know from the start....

 

 

No she's a legal female if you have female parts likely legally you are classed as female if that's how you identify. Like I said upon having sex I didn't think she was any different from any other female... Which makes sense since that's how she was born... I don't really care bout the law it's personal though. I can legally marry her what does that mean for me though...

 

It does. In some ways on the outside I notice she is not female subtly to me like she's taller or has a stronger grip. But I never minded it before so why should it be a difference like aren't I supposed to go with what makes me most happy but I don't know what that is I guess I need to figure that out to know what I'll do where I'll go from here.

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Sometimes what we know is more hurtful than the things we don't know. If you had not known about this, you still would have been happy in the relationship.

 

Even if she was born a female with all the bits and pieces that come with the territory, there would have been a decent chance (estimated vary, but it is in a few percentage points) she would have been infertile as well. Women usually don't discover that until they have been trying to get pregnant for years. I have met some women who have gone through this particular issue, and it really affected them, and their well-being, and made them even question their femininity. Which would suck even more for someone like you (because of all the time you would have spent on that relationship).

 

Also, you may not be able to have kids with her, but that does not mean you can't have kids within this relationship. There are ways around this particular issue - and who knows where technology will be in ten years time. I would not even be surprised that she is quite willing to explore alternative avenues as well. But the only way to find out would be to talk to her, and see if you can get back on the same page.

 

Most importantly, if you think there is something to fight for, keep in touch with her, and try to work things out.

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