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Girl I am dating for almost a year is getting back with her ... husband.


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SomeGeekGuy

Hi everyone,

 

I am using this forum to let out what's on my mind right now.

 

I have been dating this wonderful girl for almost a year now. I met her in June of last year on a dating website. At first I didn't think it would really amount to anything because I just ended a 5 year relationship just 6 months before. But, as time went on I discovered what I think was the most wonderful person I ever met in my life.

 

I was immediately attracted to her and my feelings for her grew and I completely fell in love head over heels with her. But there was something holding me back a little bit. There was some uncertainty. She was an American working here in Canada on a contract and it was up to expire December of that same year. But, after she met me, she decided to extend it a couple more years. I was really happy about this. I could tell she really liked me a lot too. But, she was dead set in returning to her hometown of Atlanta when her contract would be over. So, because of that, I never really tried to push the relationship too far. I could see that she was holding back as well.

 

At Valentine's day, I happen to get a hold of her apartment key. That evening I set up a surprise for her. I wanted to show her just how much I appreciated her and how strong my feelings were for her. It was a nice surprise fondue dinner with a trail of rose petals and flowers and everything. She got home from work and was so surprised and happy. But, a couple of days after that she sends me an email telling me that she was sorry because there was something she didn't tell me. She was still legally married to a guy in her hometown. Things hadn't gone so well together and they already tried to get their marriage annulled, but because of the laws in her state it was impossible. I told her that wasn't a big deal for me because I knew we could still have a relationship nonetheless. I mean it's not like she was really in a relationship with him anymore other than just being friends. Then she also admitted that her husband had contacted her and he was thinking of getting back with her and coming up here to live with her. That one really shook me.

 

I asked her if that was really what she wanted and she said she didn't know. But, she said that if I could be with her, she'd like it very much if I eventually moved to her hometown with her when her contract is over. And we'd basically live together. I said we'll see but, I didn't think I'd be willing to go that far. My folks are getting old and I want to be there to take care of them. Her family on the other hand is all over the place. She has next to no relationship with her mother, her father has been in a deep depression after his second wife died of cancer and has been giving all his attention on his second wife's daughter from another father and my girlfriend and her brother have been left behind sort of. On the other hand, she has lots of friends over there and I guess she misses them a lot and I can understand that she wants to get back with them. She told me though that her husband used to get on her nerves a lot and even wondered at times why she married him in the first place. Apparently he wouldn't want to move out of his apartment, which he shared with a couple other roommates, and get a place together. He also didn't come to visit her that often.

 

Anyway, she was still undecided and a bit confused about it all. So we decided to just keep seeing each other anyway, but I just didn't go as far as I went with the whole valentine's day dinner anymore. I was really in love with her and I was hoping things would eventually develop in a way that she'd decide to be with me instead.

 

I haven't had the chance to see her much for the last 2 weeks of our relationship because I was really busy at work and so as she. She works late shifts and I work regular hours. So when I slept over it would wake her up earlier than she usually gets up for work. She needed some rest so I barely saw her for 2 weeks. Now, her husband finally made up his mind. He came and did a surprise visit last weekend and announced he was going to move up here in a couple of weeks to live with her. She agreed. And now I feel like a complete wreck after she told me. I was counting the days until the next time I'd get to see her, but now it seems like I won't have that chance anymore.

 

While we've been together, it was absolutely amazing. She totally got me. She understood me so well, with my weird sense of humor and all the crazy stuff that I do. She'd just go along with it and laugh at my craziness. She never got mad at me over anything. Nor did I ever get mad at her. We bought random gifts for each other all the time. When I'd sleep over and I'd bring my lunch for work the next day, she'd put a little drawing with a note and a piece of chocolate. She was also an amazing cook. She would do these delicious homemade jams and canned fruits and vegetables and would give me some for me and my family. I'd also cook meals and invite her over for dinner to try it out and to show off my culinary skills. But, she'd do all those nice little things that I really appreciated. And she also made me feel appreciated and good about myself. She really was the sunshine in my life.

 

When we went grocery shopping together we'd have so much fun. We'd just spontaneously dance in the isles when a good song came on the radio and just acted crazy. I'd accompany her to Ikea to shop for stuff and even though she hates shopping there, I just feel like we both had a good time nonetheless. We'd go try out different restaurants in the city and discover all sorts of food. I made her discover Japanese Ramen noodle soup and she's been hooked on it ever since.

 

While we were together we did a couple of trips, one of which we visited New York together and that was one of the best times I had with her. She took me out to one of the best restaurants in town, a world renowned restaurant, for my birthday. I did my best to make her feel just as special. Like that Valentine's day dinner I previously mentioned. I had put a trail of satin rose petals in the entrance all the way to her kitchen and dining room where I was waiting for her with the table all set up with a bouquet of flowers on the table with candles and a nice fondue dinner. I had done her dishes and cleaned up her kitchen. She got home from work and was so surprised and happy. I think I really made her day that time.

 

Last, but definitely not the least, the sex was passionate and amazing. I loved her so much I just felt like making love to her every single time I saw her. I loved the softness and the smell of her skin. She has the most beautiful eyes and I loved kissing her every chance I got.

 

Since she announced that her husband is coming to live with her and that we'd have to put a stop to all this, it was sort of a shock, although it shouldn't be. It took a couple of days to sink in and now I've been crying my heart out. I'm having random anxiety attacks and I can't focus at work at all. Not to mention I try really hard not to cry at my desk. This is so awful. I really wish she could be the one. This time, I really don't think I'll ever have another relationship as awesome and amazing as this one and this is making me feel like I'm at a complete loss.

 

It's been a month now since all this happened and I've lost a lot of weight. I haven't been eating well an I have insomnia. I can only sleep 3 hours a night, 4 at best. She is on my mind from the moment I wake up til I fall asleep. I'm grief stricken and in a severe depression. I had to start doing counselling because my family were starting to get worried about me.

 

Now I've become bitter and frustrated. I am not the fun loving crazy person I used to be just a few weeks ago. I also feel like a complete tool. I am a good, kind person with a big heart who never did anyone any harm. I don't deserve this.

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This is an easy one to decode : she was alone and needed sex, there is where you came in.

That was all. But you were lead on to believe love, romance and what have you.

I feel sorry for you and your hurt but there is nothing left for you to scratch from this situation but you keep dignity and decency as much as possible.

Go over the pain now and you will be free sooner.

You can do it!!

 

 

Hi everyone,

 

I am using this forum to let out what's on my mind right now.

 

I have been dating this wonderful girl for almost a year now. I met her in June of last year on a dating website. At first I didn't think it would really amount to anything because I just ended a 5 year relationship just 6 months before. But, as time went on I discovered what I think was the most wonderful person I ever met in my life.

 

I was immediately attracted to her and my feelings for her grew and I completely fell in love head over heels with her. But there was something holding me back a little bit. There was some uncertainty. She was an American working here in Canada on a contract and it was up to expire December of that same year. But, after she met me, she decided to extend it a couple more years. I was really happy about this. I could tell she really liked me a lot too. But, she was dead set in returning to her hometown of Atlanta when her contract would be over. So, because of that, I never really tried to push the relationship too far. I could see that she was holding back as well.

 

At Valentine's day, I happen to get a hold of her apartment key. That evening I set up a surprise for her. I wanted to show her just how much I appreciated her and how strong my feelings were for her. It was a nice surprise fondue dinner with a trail of rose petals and flowers and everything. She got home from work and was so surprised and happy. But, a couple of days after that she sends me an email telling me that she was sorry because there was something she didn't tell me. She was still legally married to a guy in her hometown. Things hadn't gone so well together and they already tried to get their marriage annulled, but because of the laws in her state it was impossible. I told her that wasn't a big deal for me because I knew we could still have a relationship nonetheless. I mean it's not like she was really in a relationship with him anymore other than just being friends. Then she also admitted that her husband had contacted her and he was thinking of getting back with her and coming up here to live with her. That one really shook me.

 

I asked her if that was really what she wanted and she said she didn't know. But, she said that if I could be with her, she'd like it very much if I eventually moved to her hometown with her when her contract is over. And we'd basically live together. I said we'll see but, I didn't think I'd be willing to go that far. My folks are getting old and I want to be there to take care of them. Her family on the other hand is all over the place. She has next to no relationship with her mother, her father has been in a deep depression after his second wife died of cancer and has been giving all his attention on his second wife's daughter from another father and my girlfriend and her brother have been left behind sort of. On the other hand, she has lots of friends over there and I guess she misses them a lot and I can understand that she wants to get back with them. She told me though that her husband used to get on her nerves a lot and even wondered at times why she married him in the first place. Apparently he wouldn't want to move out of his apartment, which he shared with a couple other roommates, and get a place together. He also didn't come to visit her that often.

 

Anyway, she was still undecided and a bit confused about it all. So we decided to just keep seeing each other anyway, but I just didn't go as far as I went with the whole valentine's day dinner anymore. I was really in love with her and I was hoping things would eventually develop in a way that she'd decide to be with me instead.

 

I haven't had the chance to see her much for the last 2 weeks of our relationship because I was really busy at work and so as she. She works late shifts and I work regular hours. So when I slept over it would wake her up earlier than she usually gets up for work. She needed some rest so I barely saw her for 2 weeks. Now, her husband finally made up his mind. He came and did a surprise visit last weekend and announced he was going to move up here in a couple of weeks to live with her. She agreed. And now I feel like a complete wreck after she told me. I was counting the days until the next time I'd get to see her, but now it seems like I won't have that chance anymore.

 

While we've been together, it was absolutely amazing. She totally got me. She understood me so well, with my weird sense of humor and all the crazy stuff that I do. She'd just go along with it and laugh at my craziness. She never got mad at me over anything. Nor did I ever get mad at her. We bought random gifts for each other all the time. When I'd sleep over and I'd bring my lunch for work the next day, she'd put a little drawing with a note and a piece of chocolate. She was also an amazing cook. She would do these delicious homemade jams and canned fruits and vegetables and would give me some for me and my family. I'd also cook meals and invite her over for dinner to try it out and to show off my culinary skills. But, she'd do all those nice little things that I really appreciated. And she also made me feel appreciated and good about myself. She really was the sunshine in my life.

 

When we went grocery shopping together we'd have so much fun. We'd just spontaneously dance in the isles when a good song came on the radio and just acted crazy. I'd accompany her to Ikea to shop for stuff and even though she hates shopping there, I just feel like we both had a good time nonetheless. We'd go try out different restaurants in the city and discover all sorts of food. I made her discover Japanese Ramen noodle soup and she's been hooked on it ever since.

 

While we were together we did a couple of trips, one of which we visited New York together and that was one of the best times I had with her. She took me out to one of the best restaurants in town, a world renowned restaurant, for my birthday. I did my best to make her feel just as special. Like that Valentine's day dinner I previously mentioned. I had put a trail of satin rose petals in the entrance all the way to her kitchen and dining room where I was waiting for her with the table all set up with a bouquet of flowers on the table with candles and a nice fondue dinner. I had done her dishes and cleaned up her kitchen. She got home from work and was so surprised and happy. I think I really made her day that time.

 

Last, but definitely not the least, the sex was passionate and amazing. I loved her so much I just felt like making love to her every single time I saw her. I loved the softness and the smell of her skin. She has the most beautiful eyes and I loved kissing her every chance I got.

 

Since she announced that her husband is coming to live with her and that we'd have to put a stop to all this, it was sort of a shock, although it shouldn't be. It took a couple of days to sink in and now I've been crying my heart out. I'm having random anxiety attacks and I can't focus at work at all. Not to mention I try really hard not to cry at my desk. This is so awful. I really wish she could be the one. This time, I really don't think I'll ever have another relationship as awesome and amazing as this one and this is making me feel like I'm at a complete loss.

 

It's been a month now since all this happened and I've lost a lot of weight. I haven't been eating well an I have insomnia. I can only sleep 3 hours a night, 4 at best. She is on my mind from the moment I wake up til I fall asleep. I'm grief stricken and in a severe depression. I had to start doing counselling because my family were starting to get worried about me.

 

Now I've become bitter and frustrated. I am not the fun loving crazy person I used to be just a few weeks ago. I also feel like a complete tool. I am a good, kind person with a big heart who never did anyone any harm. I don't deserve this.

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sweetheart5381

Sorry for your pain, your story hurt to read.

 

Heartbreak is a bitch and you have been handed a big one. Being a rebound is incredibly painful especially when you don't see it coming.

 

Avoid her like the plague.

 

When things don't work out with the H she will come back, looking for the convenience of having you there but not having to be truly emotionally connected to you.

 

NC is rough but in this case it is a necessity for you to deal with the aftermath.

 

Hang in there, it does get better.

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NjnearGeek20

Red Flags:

 

But, she was dead set in returning to her hometown of Atlanta when her contract would be over.

 

But, a couple of days after that she sends me an email telling me that she was sorry because there was something she didn't tell me. She was still legally married to a guy in her hometown.

 

I asked her if that was really what she wanted and she said she didn't know.

 

Your story read like a classic string along. Yours is one of the most extreme I've read though, so I feel for you.

 

I am a good, kind person with a big heart who never did anyone any harm. I don't deserve this.

 

I agree with you on this, but the reality is that good kind people get used like this. I learned/am learning this the hard way.

 

I also feel like a complete tool.

 

You aren't a tool, I could definitely see myself falling into a trap like this, especially with the way you described how she did little things like the chocolate and the canned jams. Hopefully you'll have learned something from this experience though.

 

NC is rough but in this case it is a necessity for you to deal with the aftermath.

 

Only sane advice.

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SomeGeekGuy

By the way I forgot to mention.

 

When her husband initially came to see her, she told him about me and said that I was her best friend. Except he later found pictures of our trip to New York and he became suspicious. He had planned to go see friends and relatives in Boston after so he went there and two weeks later he came back and handed her divorce papers based on claims of abandonment, the original claims for which they wanted to annul their marriage initially. She was upset because they had talked about fixing their relationship and giving it another chance, but now she was stuck with a divorce which she had 45 days to appeal. She's been trying to mend her relationship with him since.

 

You know, even though what she did was very bad and it hurt me in the end. I would still like to keep in touch with her. I thought she had a very cool personality and we got a long well. I know now is really not a good time to keep in touch, but maybe someday after I'm over this whole thing we can still talk again from time to time.

 

I spoke with a few of my very close friends about what happened. While the guys were all angry and said this was all bull**** and that she was a bitch and I deserved better, the girls’ perspective was a bit different. Even though I told them how much I felt like a tool, that I felt like I was played and I couldn’t trust her or anything she said anymore, most of the girls have said that there is no way a normal girl would be mean enough to spend so much time, effort and money on someone just for their own personal interests without any feelings. And I thought about it and I realized that she did do a lot of good stuff for me. I’ve just been so blind with anger and depression that I couldn’t see straight. I mean she actually thought of booking a night at a world renowned restaurant here in Montreal where you have to book a month in advance to get a table for my 30th birthday and paid for the entire thing! And that pleace REALLY ain't cheap. And who would plan a nice weekend trip to New York with someone if they really didn’t like them? Heck, why would she even waste almost a year of her life spending all this time with me and doing all the stuff we did if she didn’t like me? Had I been any other chump or lamo ******* guy out there, she would not have gone this far. I mean, no one forced her to be with me.

 

In the end, that makes me feel a little better because this means that I am very good dating material, that I made a very good impression on her, that I'm good looking and it probably means I’m good in... other ways... as well.

 

Anyway, lately I've been in a very deep depression. I've lost all apetite (and I usually love food!) and I have severe insomnia where I sleep 3 to 4 hours at best every night. And when I wake up I have very bad anxiety attacks where I sort of half dream about her and start panicking, I think about holding her but I know she's with this other man and I just want to yell and scream for her to come back to me. It takes me a good 15 minutes at least to recover from those attacks and it feels horrible. Also I feel affraid that I will never have another girl like her. She really had everything I could ever look for in a woman. She was beautiful, charming, sexy, outgoing and crazy just like me. It's just all the little things we did when we hung out like spntaneously dance in the isles at a grocery store when a good song came up, signing along to The Flight of the Conchords in her kitchen, geeking out together by going to comic book conventions and such. Just the way we connected. She really was my best friend when we were together.

 

Also I miss the touch of her soft skin, her sweet smell, the way we touched and kissed, fooled around naked and how we were passionate in bed with each other. One thing I will definitely miss is the sex, because she didn't hold back and knew what she wanted and what I wanted.

 

My god how I miss her.

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SomeGeekGuy
By the way I forgot to mention.

Anyway, lately I've been in a very deep depression. I've lost all apetite (and I usually love food!) and I have severe insomnia where I sleep 3 to 4 hours at best every night. And when I wake up I have very bad anxiety attacks where I sort of half dream about her and start panicking, I think about holding her but I know she's with this other man and I just want to yell and scream for her to come back to me. It takes me a good 15 minutes at least to recover from those attacks and it feels horrible. Also I feel affraid that I will never have another girl like her. She really had everything I could ever look for in a woman. She was beautiful, charming, sexy, outgoing and crazy just like me. It's just all the little things we did when we hung out like spntaneously dance in the isles at a grocery store when a good song came up, signing along to The Flight of the Conchords in her kitchen, geeking out together by going to comic book conventions and such. Just the way we connected. She really was my best friend when we were together.

 

I also realize that I'm at the stage 4 (depression) of the 5 stages of grief in ending a relationship.

 

I really hope I get over this soon because it is really painful.

 

This was all supposed to be a casual relationship and I just happen to fall for her eventually. Her charm and beauty got the better of me. Plus we became really good friends during our time together. Some may argue that she used me to fill an emotional void. Whether that's true or not, what we had was good while it lasted.

Edited by SomeGeekGuy
wanted to add an extra bit to my last couple of posts.
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Ok, here you have it :

I went through the same awful experience, THE SAME ONE and reading your post just took me back to those filthy feelings once again.

But since you like so much to dig in, let me tell you that nobody will ever understand where you are now and what you feel...because it was all a lie.

Mine was even crueler than yours because she was sleeping around with other guys too.

I was so blind and sooo stupid that I couldnt see a thing when everything was just right in front of me BUT I decided to overlook it (infatuation?).

Truth be told, I was living my own fantasy and to stop it needed to live temporary the aftermath of the withdrawal. And I did !!

Had the courage to go through the pain and over with.

She was crazy like yours, charming (very!!),blah,blah...but once you start looking at the whole thing you will find out what a filthy person she really is, worthless and a serial cheater.

Is that what are you looking for in a partner ?

Take care of those panic attacks and get yourself a healthy and decent woman.

You will laugh at how similar are our stories...and of those who got involved with a married woman who was just into it for filling voids and sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I also realize that I'm at the stage 4 (depression) of the 5 stages of grief in ending a relationship.

 

I really hope I get over this soon because it is really painful.

 

This was all supposed to be a casual relationship and I just happen to fall for her eventually. Her charm and beauty got the better of me. Plus we became really good friends during our time together. Some may argue that she used me to fill an emotional void. Whether that's true or not, what we had was good while it lasted.

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Nikki Sahagin

OP, I read your post and it made my gut churn.

 

I am so sorry for the experience you have been through. I am shocked she could keep up an act for so long.

 

Let yourself wallow and be bitter for a little while and then get back in there. Don't let this experience destroy your life. Be happy you had the experience and know this isn't the end for you.

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SomeGeekGuy

Mephisto,

 

Your experience was not the same as mine. We are taking about two different girls.

 

I was seeing her 2 to 3 times a week and spending weekends all the time. She also had her stuff at place and mine at hers. I don't think she slept around. It would've been obvious.

 

The only time i assume she slept with someone else is when she went home for Christmas. She must've slept with her husband then.

Edited by SomeGeekGuy
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And sleeping with her husband is (was) ok with you ??

Granted he is her husband but you were under the impression she was divorced thus it makes it sleeping around.

Dont fight me,Im just trying to help you out to see the light,if you can call it that.

But grieve and let go,you are not less of a man (neither of us) for what happened to us.

Stay strong!

 

 

Mephisto,

 

Your experience was not the same as mine. We are taking about two different girls.

 

I was seeing her 2 to 3 times a week and spending weekends all the time. She also had her stuff at place and mine at hers. I don't think she slept around. It would've been obvious.

 

The only time i assume she slept with someone else is when she went home for Christmas. She must've slept with her husband then.

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SomeGeekGuy

No, of course it doesn't make it any better.

 

Anyway, I won't know for sure until I can ask her which will probably be never.

 

I don't want to focus on that. It's really painful to think about.

 

You seem like you had a very bad experience as well and that left you very bitter.

 

All I knowis that she had serious relationship problems. At some point she could have been confused about what she wanted.

 

But, right now I want to talk about how I feel and I'm seeking advice on how to cope. I don't want to focus on her because thinking about her and making assumptions is something that is driving me crazy and is consuming me and my sanity right now.

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Insanityshorse

Man, I feel your pain. To be honest with you, I'm not entirely sure I agree with people just saying she lead you on. Sure, being with someone often times feels better than being alone, but I really doubt that this was all an act on her part. Rather that, like you said, she has relationship issues. I know that one rather well unfortunately. I'll get to that in a sec.

 

In terms of coping mechanisms, I'm not sure there really are any. About 3 years ago I broke up with my partner of 5 years, and there is NOTHING that helped me. Every day was a burden, every moment was agony. The relationship wasn't perfect by a long shot but it's the feeling of loss, like something dying that is the part that hurts so very much. People say things like go get hobbies, stay active, hang with friends.... and they are right. The problem, however, is that even while doing those things you will think of her. I know that's how it was for me. After awhile my friends had reached a saturation point with how much I fixated and talked about her. So, when I say this... and you sound like a smart guy, the only thing that will really help you to cope with this.... well it's time. You can't do anything to speed it up either. Once several months goes by it will get easier, and after a time you will build new memories that do not involve her. That was what ultimately got me over my long term relationship grief. It just takes time and new memories without her in them. Also, in terms of thinking you will never find another person as good, well..... it could take a long time, but that is not realistic. Almost no one who is a good partner (as you claim, and seem to be) winds up alone. I thought the same thing about my 5 year relationship, and you know what? A year ago I found what I feel like could also be the love of my life. All the cute little things, the thoughtfulness, the honesty, the communication, the attraction, the love, and the sex where there. We broke up 3 weeks ago, wanna know why? Her relationship issues, she does not know how to love someone the way she feels she should (even though in reality she does, but how do you fix someone else's head for them?). She has never bothered to address her past relationship hurts (and she had some ****ty partners over the years if I do say so). So, I know it will take some time for me/you to find that new someone special that blows our mind but it will happen. I know that, and you know what? That special someone will be damned lucky.

 

So basically man, I feel for ya, I know it hurts, but you WILL get better and you WILL find someone else. Because at the end of the day for people in this position, both you and I, and the other thousands, there are really only two options right? Learn from it and grow stronger, or lay down and die... which do we choose?

Edited by Insanityshorse
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SomeGeekGuy

InsanityHorse, thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

It's nice to see there are still rational people out there who are not all like "she's a poisonous bitch and she'll suck you dry like a succubus because she's like my ex bla bla bla." I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, it's just that I read a LOT of posts like this on another forum, which got me so worked up and depressed that I couldn't focus and became very bitter and angry to a point I was walking around her place just to try and see if she's been lying to me and doing stuff behind my back.

 

You can see the other thread on eNotAlone.com

 

Posts like that are not helpful, and they just made my depression worse. Also, I started seeing a therapist and she told me to not listen to others and that what matters is my own experience and how I lived it. Because no one else knows what really happened but me. So I switched forum and here I am. I find the people here a lot cooler so far.

 

The people here are a lot cooler.

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SomeGeekGuy

Well, there goes another sleepless night. Fell asleep in front of the TV at like 2 or 3 am and woke up an hour later as the sun started to rise. Transferred to my bed and haven't been able to sleep since and it's now past 7am.

 

I am getting worried about my health. I have lost a lot of weight and I feel weak. When I'm about to fall asleep I always feel like I have palpitations and it's scary.

 

Insanityshorse, the thing with this girl is that we had the perfect relationship. We never fought and we were always laughing together all the time. We never got in a single fight. Ever. We also shared a lot in common. We also understood each other and our silly sense of humour. Had this been a normal real relationship, it would've been perfect.I felt like we were soul mates and even though I always thought marriage stupid, I started thinking I could marry that one any day and I'd be the happiest man alive.

 

Before I met her I had just broken up from a 5year relationship of sheer hell with a woman suffering from borderline personality disorder 6 months prior.The difference between the two relationships was like night and day.

 

So just the thought of this girl loving another man and being with someone else is tearing me appart.

 

I started hating everything. My clingy parents who don't want me to move too far away because they want me to be at every birthday dinner and family event. This city (Montreal) for being such a bad place these days what with the student riots and the cops all over the place all the time to control the rioters. And the perpetual construction causing massive traffic all the time so you can't get anywhere. The people of this town and how they are rude all the time and are either all douchebags, hipsters or beatnik hippies.

 

I have a good paying stable job as a software developer, but man is it boring and repetitive. Three project i work on is really not interesting and I feel like I'm going nowhere in life.

 

And I even though I am French Canadian myself, I don't identify with the culture, music and TV shows. I find it super corny and just not entertaining. I was brought up by my folks watching American TV musicband movies as a kid in the 80's and 90's. So very often I find I have very little in common with most people here.

 

The weather is also crappy 8 months of the year with cold and snow and rain. You only have 3 months of actual hot weather to do something and if you don't then you missed out. So it's very depressing.

 

My friends are never available and over time, after I lived for 3 years in Ottawa with my ex (which is just a 2 hour drive at most) I feel like I lost touch with them and that we barely have anything in common anymore.

 

Now with my depression, even my parents seem like they stopped caring and they told me they have no pity for me because the girl I dated was a liar and a cheater and I should just get over her and there are plenty of other girls who are better.

 

They don't understand how much this girl made me feel happy, how much I thought she was beautiful and how much I miss what we had.

 

I swear I feel stuck in a corner and like there is no exit. I feel like I will never find happiness again unless i break free of this damn place.

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It is just damn painful to read how you feel, really.

And regardless of not agreeing with you, my heart (all of it!!) goes to you.

I felt the same way,being in a corner and with no exit at sight.

Lost weight,got confused and lost in useless thoughts.

I guess what really ticked me to go out of that corner was the realization of having lived in a lie.

You were right, our stories are not the same.

This is gonna be the test of your life,and once you pull yourself out I promise you that nothing else will ever beat you.

Did you ever hear anything from here ? She still at the same place ? No contact or whatsoever ?

With your skills you could easily move to another country,something temporary to recharge energies and ambitions. You might wanna consider that.

Stay strong!!

 

 

 

Well, there goes another sleepless night. Fell asleep in front of the TV at like 2 or 3 am and woke up an hour later as the sun started to rise. Transferred to my bed and haven't been able to sleep since and it's now past 7am.

 

I am getting worried about my health. I have lost a lot of weight and I feel weak. When I'm about to fall asleep I always feel like I have palpitations and it's scary.

 

Insanityshorse, the thing with this girl is that we had the perfect relationship. We never fought and we were always laughing together all the time. We never got in a single fight. Ever. We also shared a lot in common. We also understood each other and our silly sense of humour. Had this been a normal real relationship, it would've been perfect.I felt like we were soul mates and even though I always thought marriage stupid, I started thinking I could marry that one any day and I'd be the happiest man alive.

 

Before I met her I had just broken up from a 5year relationship of sheer hell with a woman suffering from borderline personality disorder 6 months prior.The difference between the two relationships was like night and day.

 

So just the thought of this girl loving another man and being with someone else is tearing me appart.

 

I started hating everything. My clingy parents who don't want me to move too far away because they want me to be at every birthday dinner and family event. This city (Montreal) for being such a bad place these days what with the student riots and the cops all over the place all the time to control the rioters. And the perpetual construction causing massive traffic all the time so you can't get anywhere. The people of this town and how they are rude all the time and are either all douchebags, hipsters or beatnik hippies.

 

I have a good paying stable job as a software developer, but man is it boring and repetitive. Three project i work on is really not interesting and I feel like I'm going nowhere in life.

 

And I even though I am French Canadian myself, I don't identify with the culture, music and TV shows. I find it super corny and just not entertaining. I was brought up by my folks watching American TV musicband movies as a kid in the 80's and 90's. So very often I find I have very little in common with most people here.

 

The weather is also crappy 8 months of the year with cold and snow and rain. You only have 3 months of actual hot weather to do something and if you don't then you missed out. So it's very depressing.

 

My friends are never available and over time, after I lived for 3 years in Ottawa with my ex (which is just a 2 hour drive at most) I feel like I lost touch with them and that we barely have anything in common anymore.

 

Now with my depression, even my parents seem like they stopped caring and they told me they have no pity for me because the girl I dated was a liar and a cheater and I should just get over her and there are plenty of other girls who are better.

 

They don't understand how much this girl made me feel happy, how much I thought she was beautiful and how much I miss what we had.

 

I swear I feel stuck in a corner and like there is no exit. I feel like I will never find happiness again unless i break free of this damn place.

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sweetheart5381
Well, there goes another sleepless night. Fell asleep in front of the TV at like 2 or 3 am and woke up an hour later as the sun started to rise. Transferred to my bed and haven't been able to sleep since and it's now past 7am.

 

I am getting worried about my health. I have lost a lot of weight and I feel weak. When I'm about to fall asleep I always feel like I have palpitations and it's scary.

 

Insanityshorse, the thing with this girl is that we had the perfect relationship. We never fought and we were always laughing together all the time. We never got in a single fight. Ever. We also shared a lot in common. We also understood each other and our silly sense of humour. Had this been a normal real relationship, it would've been perfect.I felt like we were soul mates and even though I always thought marriage stupid, I started thinking I could marry that one any day and I'd be the happiest man alive.

 

Before I met her I had just broken up from a 5year relationship of sheer hell with a woman suffering from borderline personality disorder 6 months prior.The difference between the two relationships was like night and day.

 

So just the thought of this girl loving another man and being with someone else is tearing me appart.

 

I started hating everything. My clingy parents who don't want me to move too far away because they want me to be at every birthday dinner and family event. This city (Montreal) for being such a bad place these days what with the student riots and the cops all over the place all the time to control the rioters. And the perpetual construction causing massive traffic all the time so you can't get anywhere. The people of this town and how they are rude all the time and are either all douchebags, hipsters or beatnik hippies.

 

I have a good paying stable job as a software developer, but man is it boring and repetitive. Three project i work on is really not interesting and I feel like I'm going nowhere in life.

 

And I even though I am French Canadian myself, I don't identify with the culture, music and TV shows. I find it super corny and just not entertaining. I was brought up by my folks watching American TV musicband movies as a kid in the 80's and 90's. So very often I find I have very little in common with most people here.

 

The weather is also crappy 8 months of the year with cold and snow and rain. You only have 3 months of actual hot weather to do something and if you don't then you missed out. So it's very depressing.

 

My friends are never available and over time, after I lived for 3 years in Ottawa with my ex (which is just a 2 hour drive at most) I feel like I lost touch with them and that we barely have anything in common anymore.

 

Now with my depression, even my parents seem like they stopped caring and they told me they have no pity for me because the girl I dated was a liar and a cheater and I should just get over her and there are plenty of other girls who are better.

 

They don't understand how much this girl made me feel happy, how much I thought she was beautiful and how much I miss what we had.

 

I swear I feel stuck in a corner and like there is no exit. I feel like I will never find happiness again unless i break free of this damn place.

 

I feel your pain. I live in London Ontario, formerly from Kitchener. I moved to London for work and to be closer to my bf at the time. I didnt really know anyone here and it was lonely at first. That got even worse when I was dumped out of the blue by my ex at the end of January. (He is a separated man who all of a sudden just didnt want me anymore). We had the perfect relationship, especially after being in a horribly abusive relationship prior, so the end of it really shook me.

 

I planned to move back to Kitchener immediately, thinking it would help me to heal from the pain. Eventually though, I came to realize that I can't run away from the pain, just have to go thru it. I too thought I would never be happy like I was when he and I were together. Truth is, I was wrong. I have stayed in London and am very happy now - without him.

 

You will find happiness again too and you will find it within yourself. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many yrs and I have found that the only real therapy is to empower myself. Finding "happiness" within requires that I choose to be happy and not dwell on the past or worry about the future. Easier said than done, but it works for me.

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SomeGeekGuy

Did you ever hear anything from here ? She still at the same place ? No contact or whatsoever ?

 

Last time I saw her was the week she announced her husband came to town and said he was going to live with her. I went there and brought her her stuff from my place. She had a pillow, toiletries, etc. We talked, I asked her questions and I think that she was overall pretty honest in what she said, regarding her feelings anyway. We cried in each others arms and she told me how much she was sorry, that I was a good to her and didn't deserve something like this and that I'm even one of her best friends she's ever had for being so nice to her. She insisted that she wanted to stay in touch and be friends even when I said it was a bad idea with him around.

 

We exchanged a few calls, but every time I had trouble controlling my feelings and I cried, either a little bit or a lot. The last time I spoke to her was after she had told me about her husband filing for divorce. I just broke down and started bawling over the phone. I don't know what came over me, but I told her that she was the one for me. That I never had such a good relationship with someone before and that I truly felt she was my soul mate. I proposed to her to stay in Montreal with me. On a side note, for her to work here, he had to move from Atlanta to Montreal and she had to stay in temporary quarters until her place was ready and the bill came up to $15,000, paid for by her employer. If she decides to stay here after her contract is over she would have to reimburse that amount. Well I even proposed that we take a loan and pay it back. I have money aside, I would've put down at least $5k on it and she could've put down money on it too and it would be paid off withing a couple of years. I would've found a nice flat for us and I promised I would do anything in my power to provide for her everything she needs to be happy and that I'd be her best friend forever. On top of that, I said that even though I never really saw the point in marriage, I would be more than happy to marry her so she could have a Canadian citizenship and stay here with me.

 

Anyway, like I said, I broke down. My sadness, feeling of distress in losing her got the better of me. But, she was nice enough to say that that she heard what I said and that even though it was not her plan to stay here, she appreciated the thought nonetheless. Also, she said it was hard for her to see me being so sad and she had a hard time with that.

 

Over the next couple of days I texted back and apologized for my outburst of emotions. I told her I realized that it was crazy, that we had initially agreed to start this relationship as a casual one and it got out of hand. I said she was one of the best friends I had too and that I felt stupid. Her reply was that I shouldn't feel stupid and that she appreciated what I had said, but she just had to mend her relationship with her husband. I said I was going to give her space and stop contacting her. Those last texts date back from Monday of last week.

 

She just sent me an email a couple of days ago with some pictures she had forgotten to give me from our outing at a sugar shack this spring and that was it.

 

We haven't talked since in any way.

 

Now, I just want the readers to know that I know she wronged me and you probably all think "HOW CAN YOU SAY SHE'S YOUR BEST FRIEND AFTER WHAT SHE DID!?!?". Well, we were best friends while it lasted. And I sincerely wish to stay in touch with her in the future. I mean, I believe that life is too short to hold grudges. And I know this philosophy has had a positive outcome more than once in my life. Sure I'm suffering, but whatever. Love is complicated and **** happens sometimes. And who knows how this'll turn out eventually. Maybe I'll have a place to crash in Atlanta if I ever feel like it, or maybe it's just wishful thinking. Time will tell.

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I would suggest you not hold out hope for her or try to remain friends with her. She has decided to go back to her husband, and you will only be torturing yourself if you don't allow yourself to close the book on this relationship. She really was very unfair to you to be knowingly, through her actions, encouraging you to fall in love with her while still entertaining hopes to get back with her husband. She really did a number on you and hurt you badly. Very unfair for her to hook you in so badly when she had not yet emotionally or legally divorced from her husband. You know, there's a reason why a lot of people refuse to get involved with people who are not yet divorced but are only separated. Because the risk of getting back together with the estranged spouse is too great. Unfortunately, she didn't have the character to be honest with you about her marital status until you had already developed feelings for her, and she had one foot in the marriage and one foot in your life the whole time. I don't see how a person can behave that way--wanting to reconcile with the estranged husband while being loving towards somebody else. I don't see how a person can turn their love on and off like that. I think she recklessly played with your heart as a back up plan in case it didn't work out with her husband, and she doesn't deserve the love you have for her.

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SomeGeekGuy
she doesn't deserve the love you have for her.

 

I know that. But I can't help it. It's too late. I fell for her, I miss the times we had and everyday I dream things had not gone this way and I just want to see her face again.

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I know that. But I can't help it. It's too late. I fell for her, I miss the times we had and everyday I dream things had not gone this way and I just want to see her face again.

I'm sorry. I know you are hurting, but for your own sake, you need to try to get past this. I'm glad you are going to counseling. I do believe it helps to talk to someone about your feelings and your pain. You might also want to try some other things to help you through this, such as relaxation techniques, meditation, exercise, to distract you when you're feeling especially down or panicky. You will gradually improve, but have your counselor teach you relaxation techniques. Those do help a lot with panic attacks, and to give you more peace of mind when you feel you are loosing it. You can look up relaxation techniques online also and practice them. Practice visualization of peaceful places to help ease your mind when you feel overwhelmed with thoughts of her.

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SomeGeekGuy

You know what really hurt?

 

It's that all this time, there was so much content available online about her, her husband and their relationship.

 

When we first met I tried to add her to my facebook but she told me she didn't use facebook that much and she didn't add me. Later, I couldn't find her profile. It was set to not appear in search results. But I later found it. I found pics of her and her husband together and kissing and her wedding ring.

 

A couple of weeks later I found her husband had pictures in an online album with their wedding pictures. They had a website created as an invitation card to the ceremony.

 

I was in agony. The lies set in and I completely freaked out. Seeing her in her wedding dress with this other man, kissing, looking tenderly at each other. I couldn't bare the pain from the lies and my chest literally hurt. I became erratic, I broke down and almost fainted and I wanted to literally kill myself to forget what I had just seen. This girl that I had strong feelings for had feelings for this other man, and she had this going on all this time.

 

I get dizzy just writing about it.

 

I checked the dates on the pictures and the wedding pictures dated a little over a month before she messaged me on the dating website and we started going out. So she married almost around months before we started dating, and on the first week that we dated, I randomly met her in a neighborhood of Montreal while walking around with her husband, who had come from Atlanta to visit her. How f*cked up is that? Anyway, I don't know what happened between them or what they talked about, so all I can do is make empty assumptions and I know already that will lead me nowhere and will just make me suffer more.

 

This weekend I found she had been keeping a couple of blogs. The posts date back as far as 6 years ago up to early 2009, but nothing after that. I wish I had read those because I learned a lot about her interests, what he likes and how she thinks.

 

So the lesson I pulled from this is to stalk your date online before things get serious. If you don't find skeletons in their closet, you may at least find out what they like. And if they eventually refuse to add you as a friend, something's up.

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Unfortunately, there's a lot of people out there that lie about their relationship status on these dating websites, and they are either separated and claim to be divorced or single, or some are not even separated yet, but are thinking about leaving their spouse and want to "see what's out there" before taking the plunge to leave, so they claim to be divorced or single, or separated. I think it's always a good idea to do a little online investigating of a person's true relationship status before starting to date them, and don't date people who are not yet divorced. I know a woman who played a bunch of men through online dating while she was trying to decide on whether to reconcile with her estranged husband, and still hooking up with her estranged husband frequently. The poor guys online had no clue about this duplicitous attitude. Sorry to say, you were one of the victims of this type of behavior.

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You know what's ironic about all this?

 

On one of the blogs I mentioned, she posted a series of articles on dating. Either her experiences dating guys and criticizing her dates to giving dating advice, do's and don'ts, etc. And she heavily criticized one of them for still being married and going through a divorce while dating.

 

She should probably look back at those old posts.

 

But, you know what? She told me once that he was like twice divorced or something. She told me about her first husband, who was a DJ and worked with her at the same company. He apparently was cheating on her with the "office slut" and she caught them in the act. Another one of her previous relationships, she was cheated on again by her fiance. And that night that I went to take my stuff at her place, she told me that she was pretty certain that her husband had also been fooling around on his side. She also told me that she had problems in her family for a while and was kicked out of the house at some point.

 

So we're talking about a girl here who has been cheated on, lied to and abandoned by people she loved. I think she eventually just became cynical, which is kinda sad.

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Insanityshorse

Man, relationships are so complicated aren't they? Not only does the "spark" have to be present, but the timing needs to be perfect. I mean what are the chances of those really aligning? I think this is why it's so freaking hard to lose a relationship that someone felt was perfect.

 

In regards to yours, I would say this... it wasn't perfect, but it felt amazing while it was happening. There is one aspect to that relationship that was obviously missing and that was trust (even though you didn't realize it at the time). She really was unfair. It's the reason that post a serious break up I do NOT date and tell people I'm sorry who ask me out. It is just NOT fair to try and date someone new when you have feelings for someone else still. Screw trying to get over someone by getting under someone else, it's just not right. So she did totally wrong you.

 

Also, man.... we really are in the same boat. The breakup 3 weeks for me was really cordial, and we talked about everything and there were a lot of emotions. No begging, no pleading.... just acceptance; however, I am really depressed about it.

 

Depression is like a cold and colorless blanket, it covers the world and takes the shine away from it. Nothing seems interesting, or fun, or funny for that matter. I have also lost weight these last weeks, but luckily for me I can sleep.

 

I wish I had some magic words that could fix both of what we are feeling, but there just isn't. Time is the only cure and after awhile you will return to normal.

 

At least you are aware that there is no chance at reconciliation, for me though that is on the table. Ashley (my ex now) still has strong feelings for me, and I her. We have seen each other once since the breakup and we talked about that. She has NO desire to be with anyone but just feels like she's got too much baggage that she needs to work on, plus she's in school and fairly busy. Just for the record we are both 30 so it's not like we're kids here. When I saw her last it was dropping off her apartment key, she immediately hugged the crap out of me, told me she missed me so much and that she was so glad she got to see me. She also told me she was gonna call me soon and invite me out, and that she hoped I would go. I know people will say "Breadcrumbs", and that could be.... but none of you know this woman and I do not believe it is the case. Besides that I'm a grown man and will not allow myself to be strung along like some puppy.

 

Man, talk about mind games.

 

I would suggest stopping trying to find things about her on the internet, or looking at old pictures. Like you mentioned earlier it kills you to know about that stuff.

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