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First time dumping someone, at 26 in a 2 month relationship. Feel guilty.


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TheOneWhoKnocks

Hey all. I stumbled across this forum since I can't sleep and I'm doing a lot of web searches about breakups. Anyway, right after Christmas I started seeing a girl I met online dating. I had just got out of a three month relationship that was moving really fast and I had pretty high expectations for. I was up front about just wanting to date and wanting a casual relationship after the recent breakup and disappointment (she ended it in that instance). Anyway, we saw a movie together and hooked up. Soon we were texting a lot whenever I had free time at work but even the first time we hooked up I knew something was off. She lives about 45 minutes away from me but wanted to drive to see me, so I usually tried to at least have drinks and take out for us when she came over. The relationship was mostly us hanging out and watching movies, which I enjoyed...but then she would grab me and start making out with me and one thing would lead to another. I just passively went with it but it just felt wrong, and the closer she got to me physically the more withdrawn I acted. I felt no spark, which she kept making about her body and not being attracted to her, to me it felt like a lack of chemistry. She felt sisterly to me and it was awkward (I don't have a sister so sorry if that description is inaccurate or weird)

 

There was another girl I met on the same dating site back in the summer of the year before and we had been email pen pals, but hadn't met in person because she was dating someone. They broke up and she invited me to go out to dinner with her, which I did and enjoyed, but it was just as friends. We went once more, just as friends, but nothing happened - but it made me realize I wanted my single freedom again.

 

Anyway, last Friday, the first girl and I hadn't seen each other for a week and she sent me a text saying "So - are you seeing any other girls? Or interested in anyone?" and I told her if that was something she wanted to talk about we could talk in person. She backed off it and barely contacted me over the next few days. Today she was deluging me with texts trying to get me to do something and the insecure stuff started again because I was busy with work. I told her I'd call her after work.

 

Even my family, who liked her, said if I felt that there wasn't anything between us I needed to break up with her. I called her and told her that I really liked her as a friend and as much as I know it sucks to hear that I don't think we don't work as a couple. She burst out in huge, wailing sobs...she was so, so upset. We have only been seeing each other since after Christmas. I sent her one text after she hung up saying I hope she was okay. When she calmed down she texted me back. And I tried to say something that felt nice and reassuring about how I think she's great and I hope she finds someone who is right for her but I wasn't going to text her any more tonight and I would give her some space.

 

I left my phone on for an hour and came back to like 20 drunk, bitter, angry accusatory texts. Some of them rang a little true. I wasn't cruel in my breakup with her, i was honest but firm and direct, didn't call her out on her faults and just simply stated it wasn't working out. I was dreading the huge emotional reaction I got, thinking it was a worst case scenario but hoping for the best. I'm 26 and have almost always been broken up with, which in most cases I prefer since I saw the end of the relationship coming and I'd rather deal with a breakup passively than have to hurt and disappoint someone.

 

Do you think I did the right thing or I needed to break up with her earlier or I should have handled it another way? Most people told me not to wait until in person to do it if I wanted to do it, that the phone was fine for a short term relationship. I have also been going through some health problems and may need surgery. I didn't want her to try to take care of me during recovery if I didn't have strong feelings for her. I trust my friends and family will be there for me.

 

Sorry for the long post. I don't blame you if you didn't read all of it. I am just second guessing myself and there's a ton on my mind. If nobody responds have a good St. Patty's Day.

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I think you did the right thing. At least you weren't like my ex who did this for 14 months and finally I walked away and haven't talked to him since the day of the breakup (day 17 of no contact). He felt guilty too afterwards and let it be known via text but i never responded. I think it was better to do it now than a year later when she got more attached. You gave it a chance, you didn't feel it, and you let her go. She will be upset over this because she may not have seen it coming, but there is nothing else you could have done to make it easier.

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TheOneWhoKnocks

Thanks LS. Basically I didn't think she could be happy with the relationship and thought it might fizzle...I admit I kind of passively tried to see if the breakup would happen. I wasn't putting any effort into the relationship or coming to see her, nor did I meet her family despite many invitations. I kept blaming my busy work schedule and my illness on it but I mean, how long does that fly? I guess I used to stay in relationships that were a lot ****tier. When I knew I needed to end it was when it started to feel like one relationship from my past, except with my role reversed.

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My ex before the one that brought me here was pretty much the same scenario, except the spark faded for me after a year. No real reason either - we still hung out, did things and met up as often as possible, but I just lost those feelings I originally had. Ending it was painful and no matter how it's done, it's always going to be that way.

 

I do however find it typically annoying that I go from dumper to dumpee and end up here... I suppose that's karma for ya!

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