my fiancee is having second thoughts, to win him back.

[EllaW]

My fiancee and I have been dating for a year and 2 months, after just 10 months he proposed. He was the sweetest guy at the start and now he isnt the same he doesnt call or text me like he used to, hes not as affectionate. He says he still loves me but isnt ready for marriage. He wrote me a couple of letters that were more like notebook size where he promised me to always love me no matter what and telling me how much wanted to marry me and have a family with me. He told me if I ever doubted our love all I had to do was look at those notebooks. Now he says he meant those things when he wrote them but things have changed. That I have changed and he fell in love with the girl I used to be. I admit I messed up by being the first one to stop texting as much calling as much or caring as much. He tells me he still loves me and is in love with me but isnt ready to get married. We are both in our early 20's and im worried he is just realizing what he is getting himself into and wants to still live out his young life and doesnt want to get married. Is he having cold feet or could it be that he isnt in love with my anymore. What should I do to win him back? Is there anything I can do? Im worried because we argue a lot all of the time and now im trying to be myself and not worry or argue,but what he told me has really hit me hard. HELP! I really think he is the one

[blotter]

You've already stated that the spark is starting to fade from your relationship. Do you think it's going to be easier to keep that spark going once your married? 10 months seems really fast, especially at your age, and just comes off as immature to me. Most people in their early 20's are going through GIGS and will be wishy washy about what they want, cause they are young and don't know what they want in a partner yet.

[RYL TMann]

Hey Ella,

 

I'm sorry to hear about the position you are in. While it hurts to hear, you really can't blame him for shutting down toward you emotionally if you did that to him first. He fell in love with a different "you" and that version of you is not the one that he has been with lately.

 

The thing that you need to do is get back to being the way that you were when you two first met - even if he is still emotionally distant. You need to demonstrate through your actions that you are the girl he fell in love with. Just saying that you will isn't enough.

 

On a side note, 10 months is VERY early in a relationship to get engaged. This is true even if you two have known each other for a long time before dating. If he is having cold feet about getting married at such a young age, it may be best to hold off on getting married. The last thing you want is for one of you to resent being married later on. I've known plenty of people who were married before they were 25 that are now either miserable or getting a divorce.

 

It would be better to take the risk of the relationship falling apart now by holding off on the wedding just to be sure that you two actually are meant for each other.

 

Tony

[CaliBabe]

Early 20s is young. Maybe he wants to live a little before than. I'm 25 and I can say I am not ready for marriage. Let him live a little. If you are meant to be married and what not, let it happen. No need to rush.

 

Live your life, your still super young!

[denise_xo]

Agree with the others. Take a bit of time out and then reassess whether this is really the best relationship for both of you in the long term.

[Linda Lee]

Here are some suggestions to know if his “cold feet” have anything to do with you.

Make yourself this mental checklist:

Are you suddenly acting too clingy?

Are you giving him some space?

Are you making overly strong demands regarding what he does with friends or other activities?

Have you changed the way you interact with him recently?

Have you prematurely shifted your role(s) from “lover” to “wife”?

If you can look at yourself honestly in this way and point out what might lead him to act in such a way,

then you only have to work on changing what pushed him away.

[veggirl]

10 mos is awfully fast to get engaged, especially at your age. It sounds like you two rushed into things way too quickly and impulsively--it honestly doesn't sound to me like you realize the magnitude of MARRIAGE, and your boyfriend is starting to realize it, hence his freaking out and pulling back.

 

Are you sure you want to marry THIS man, or do you just want to get married? Do you feel comfortable marrying someone that you yourself said you "stopped caring" about in just over a year? your relationship is nowhere near stable enough for marriage, I would table that idea immediately and work on figuring out if you and your BF are compatible in general before you worry about marriage.

[EllaW]

I never stopped caring about him I am very much in love with him and I know he is still in love with me. I just want some advice on how I can save my relationship. Ever since I met him and got to know him I knew he was the one and we fell head over heels over each other. I know i'm young, but I know what I want and I just want to rescue my relationship. He is just fed up with all the arguing and fighting, he wants me to listen to him more and I understand. Right now I feel like if I dont do something quick then I might lose him. What can I do to win him back? and what should I not do to avoid pushing him away?

[Linda Lee]

Here is what to do :

 

Call him and invite him to dine with you or drink a coffee, choose a place that you know he will love it; this is very easy for you because you know his habits. Dress in what will remind him of the lovely first days of your relationship. Never beg him to take you back again, let the atmosphere, your dress and your talk speak in your behalf.

 

During the course of your meeting avoid mentioning anything, that you know will pull you in a harsh talk or uneasy conversation. If it happens to fall in this trap, just smile and ask him to report that issue later, or simply underestimate the value of the fact. Focus on his interests; show that you are willing to help him to overcome any issue in his work or studies or whatever he is facing troubles with.

 

Never show that you are sad or unable to rely on yourself, let him understand that the entire purpose of the dinner, is to make sure that he was leading a good life, and you are there if he ever needs you. You should make sure to show up as the shoulder that he needs to cry on. With time and commitment, it is only a matter of weeks to see him coming back crawling on his knees wanting to spend more time with you.

[EllaW]

thank you linda I appreciate your advice, so you are saying to not mention the issue and be myself but do things that remind him of how things used to be?

[Lauriebell82]

I never stopped caring about him I am very much in love with him and I know he is still in love with me. I just want some advice on how I can save my relationship. Ever since I met him and got to know him I knew he was the one and we fell head over heels over each other. I know i'm young, but I know what I want and I just want to rescue my relationship. He is just fed up with all the arguing and fighting, he wants me to listen to him more and I understand. Right now I feel like if I dont do something quick then I might lose him. What can I do to win him back? and what should I not do to avoid pushing him away?

 

Are you guys still dating and no longer engaged, or completely broken up?

 

Regardless I think the only way to save the relationship is to respect that he isn't ready to get married and take the marriage discussion off the table. I know it's something you want, but he does not at this time. So if you want to be with him, unfortunately you will need to accept that wait for him to be ready again.

 

That being said, it doesn't sound like you can accept or deal with the fact that he isn't ready for marriage right now. SO, if you honestly can't do that, then you will need to move on as hard as it will be.

 

Also, if you ARE a different person now as he says you are, changing back to the "old you" isn't really fair and it will most likely will be difficult. You are SO young, there are guys out there who will fall in love with the "new you" and not dwell on the old one. Besides, that sounds like an exuse to me....

Edited March 19, 2012 by Lauriebell82

[M2155]

The harder you try some fix to hold on, the more he is going to push away if he has cold feet already. I agree with the others, you may try giving each other some emotional space. Talk together about how you see a difference too in your feelings and come up with some possible things you can do try if this is what you both want (time apart, vacation getaway, whatever). Feelings change over time, I'll be very surprised if there is some quick action plan you can do to recapture the spark... If your feelings are changing now, it's just going to get worse...much worse, once you marry. He is probably feeling the pressure of marriage- it's a gigantic commitment. It really sounds like you both just need some time to think about things with a break from the pressure. It doesn't mean you don't or can't continue to love each other or work on your relationship.

 

You are very young, the chances of this lasting the next 60 years are already against you (sad to say) so don't let emotions or fear push you when patience can serve you better in the long run.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Here is what to do :

 

Call him and invite him to dine with you or drink a coffee, choose a place that you know he will love it; this is very easy for you because you know his habits. Dress in what will remind him of the lovely first days of your relationship. Never beg him to take you back again, let the atmosphere, your dress and your talk speak in your behalf.

 

During the course of your meeting avoid mentioning anything, that you know will pull you in a harsh talk or uneasy conversation. If it happens to fall in this trap, just smile and ask him to report that issue later, or simply underestimate the value of the fact. Focus on his interests; show that you are willing to help him to overcome any issue in his work or studies or whatever he is facing troubles with.

 

Never show that you are sad or unable to rely on yourself, let him understand that the entire purpose of the dinner, is to make sure that he was leading a good life, and you are there if he ever needs you. You should make sure to show up as the shoulder that he needs to cry on. With time and commitment, it is only a matter of weeks to see him coming back crawling on his knees wanting to spend more time with you.

 

Why doesn't HE set up the dinner, dress in something nice and be the shoulder SHE needs? Pandering after him will only make her seem like she is trying way too hard. She needs to keep her dignity. A dinner like you suggest is only a setup for a letdown. Give him space and let him miss you. you are only in your early 20s; where's the fire; why so harried?

[radiodarcy]

Here is what to do :

 

Call him and invite him to dine with you or drink a coffee, choose a place that you know he will love it; this is very easy for you because you know his habits. Dress in what will remind him of the lovely first days of your relationship. Never beg him to take you back again, let the atmosphere, your dress and your talk speak in your behalf.

 

During the course of your meeting avoid mentioning anything, that you know will pull you in a harsh talk or uneasy conversation. If it happens to fall in this trap, just smile and ask him to report that issue later, or simply underestimate the value of the fact. Focus on his interests; show that you are willing to help him to overcome any issue in his work or studies or whatever he is facing troubles with.

 

Never show that you are sad or unable to rely on yourself, let him understand that the entire purpose of the dinner, is to make sure that he was leading a good life, and you are there if he ever needs you. You should make sure to show up as the shoulder that he needs to cry on. With time and commitment, it is only a matter of weeks to see him coming back crawling on his knees wanting to spend more time with you.

 

i don't like this advice at all. putting on a cute outfit that reminds him of the old her while deflecting any mention of their actual problems during the course of the evening is manipulative and will ultimately backfire. even if she does "win" him back with this tactic it will be for a limited time only. and let's face it - - she can't do this every single time they're together. the novelty will wear off and things wil go back to the way they are now.

 

i honestly don't think it's possible to "win" someone back. they have to *want* to come back. trying to manipulate someone into doing that is only going to drive them further away. what the OP and her fiance need to do is take some time apart to think about what they each really want. only then can they sit down and start to address the issues that led them to drift apart and see where they want to go from there.

[flitzanu]

it doesn't seem all that confusing or complicated, especially if he clearly said "i don't want to get married".

 

that's pretty direct, really nothing to interpret there.

[Linda Lee]

Giving a solution to a problem means understanding what caused the problem in the first place, then see what we can do to solve it.

If we ignore the reasons behind the problem and instead act upon what our ego tells us, we are simply contributing to the problem, without being aware of that.

 

The advice " to ignore him until he misses you" cannot work everytime.

Every situation has its specific circumstances, therefore it needs an appropriate solution. If we go around throwing the same advice for every breakup, then what value have we added? nothing.

 

I have read the message of the original poster, where she clearly states that she has contributed to this situation.

 

here are some quotes of her posts.

I admit I messed up by being the first one to stop texting as much calling as much or caring as much.

 

He is just fed up with all the arguing and fighting, he wants me to listen to him more and I understand.

 

 

 

What I suggested was to give him another chance in order to truly seize his interest in their relationship, if everything goes well, then the relationship is truly meant to be, if not then she can dump him without looking back because she would be confident of her decision.

 

And she will never regret it, because she has gone with him until the end of the road, therefore she won't cry nor regret anything, because her decision was based on real proof, not only on some guessing.