69ways Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 You can check my story via my posts as its way to long but in a short line, she left me after 5 years and we were engaged. I chased her like hell, even showed up at her door with flowers on her bd. She left me for stupid reasons but always comes back when she needs me or to make it obvious I am the man of her life. She suffers form depression and has weekly visits to the doctor. Bottom line , she contacted me the other day after 65 days of NC with the usual but this time I did not take her bait. She has used this approach in the past of :Talk to me its important , its serious, I need you, you got a gf that why you disappeared etc.... This time I did not bite: I need to talk to you, its urgent bla bla bla and the more I ignored her the more desperate she became.... She even wrote , I beg you..... I kept ignoring her until I decided to drop her an sms the next day and explain to her that I am not bad or dont care but she only remembers me when she needs something and its unfair to tread me like this. I said:You made it clear you dont care and you have future plans of been together so what you are doing its pointless. I just dont get it why 14 months later she still does this..... I am not going to be there for her as been there for her resulted to me getting hurt and nothing else. What I want to know is peoples opinion on her behaviour.... Link to post Share on other sites
smokey bear Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 right now im in this exact same position, he needed help, showed up at my apartment after i ignored him. I helped him out because its just the person i am and now im the one hurting again. If you figure it out, let me know Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 your big mistake, (both of you) is even responding..... when you respond - and it doesn't matter what you've said - they have your interest. Mission accomplished. they still got it. and as far as they're concerned, you're still sufficiently interested to want some of it. Jeesh..... "Play me once, more fool you, play me twice, more fool me...." 14 months and she's still on your radar.....? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Quit being a clown and listen to what she has to say. It's not a game, its a misunderstanding on your part on what she's going through. Post here if you have questions or clarification on what she says Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 Quit being a clown and listen to what she has to say. It's not a game, its a misunderstanding on your part on what she's going through. Post here if you have questions or clarification on what she says I did last time and then she disappeared for 3 months and then asked me to call her over xmass, I did ....guess what? I got ignored. My question its not how to handle her but why she does this.... Each time I gave her attention, the reasons she called were just excuses to talk. I am not been a clown by trying to protect me right? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I'm telling you talk to her, she won't disappear again Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 A i said , i text her that she is unfair to me and I believe she is not interested about us..... I gave her the chance to say something about us..... If she is really interested , she will be back again... Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Yes she is unfair to you. But you are also unfair to yourself accepting this push-pull behavior. How long are you planning to go along with this push-pull behavior? Bottom line, she's clearly not in a position to be in a healthy relationship. You may never get a real answer as to why she acts the way she does. It probably has to do with something in her past. In the end, it doesn't matter why. What you need to understand is that it takes two people to be in a push-pull situation. You have asked for opinions about her behavior hoping to find some answers. If you want answers, instead of looking at her behavior, you would get a better understanding of what's been happening by actually looking at your behavior. What's driving you to keep accepting these breadcrumbs from her? What would happen if you just were to ignore her requests and pleas? Are you afraid of abandonment? Usually in this type of relationship BOTH partners are actually afraid of commitment. Consider that you may be subconsiously willing to accept her behaviour because it also allows you to avoid being in a healthy relationship. That's where you need to focus your attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 your big mistake, (both of you) is even responding..... when you respond - and it doesn't matter what you've said - they have your interest. Mission accomplished. they still got it. and as far as they're concerned, you're still sufficiently interested to want some of it. Jeesh..... "Play me once, more fool you, play me twice, more fool me...." 14 months and she's still on your radar.....? My ex. g/f dumped me about 7 months ago and I went strict N.C. believing I'd never hear from her again....Well last month she emailed me and I ignored it...2 weeks ago she contacts me again and after mulling it over I made the mistake of responding. Oh I regret it...yep guess I'm a fool too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 Yes she is unfair to you. But you are also unfair to yourself accepting this push-pull behavior. How long are you planning to go along with this push-pull behavior? Bottom line, she's clearly not in a position to be in a healthy relationship. You may never get a real answer as to why she acts the way she does. It probably has to do with something in her past. In the end, it doesn't matter why. What you need to understand is that it takes two people to be in a push-pull situation. You have asked for opinions about her behavior hoping to find some answers. If you want answers, instead of looking at her behavior, you would get a better understanding of what's been happening by actually looking at your behavior. What's driving you to keep accepting these breadcrumbs from her? What would happen if you just were to ignore her requests and pleas? Are you afraid of abandonment? Usually in this type of relationship BOTH partners are actually afraid of commitment. Consider that you may be subconsiously willing to accept her behaviour because it also allows you to avoid being in a healthy relationship. That's where you need to focus your attention. To put it simple, I still have feelings for her Not afraid of abandonment but her maybe thinking that I dont care Link to post Share on other sites
sweetheart5381 Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 Yes she is unfair to you. But you are also unfair to yourself accepting this push-pull behavior. How long are you planning to go along with this push-pull behavior? Bottom line, she's clearly not in a position to be in a healthy relationship. You may never get a real answer as to why she acts the way she does. It probably has to do with something in her past. In the end, it doesn't matter why. What you need to understand is that it takes two people to be in a push-pull situation. You have asked for opinions about her behavior hoping to find some answers. If you want answers, instead of looking at her behavior, you would get a better understanding of what's been happening by actually looking at your behavior. What's driving you to keep accepting these breadcrumbs from her? What would happen if you just were to ignore her requests and pleas? Are you afraid of abandonment? Usually in this type of relationship BOTH partners are actually afraid of commitment. Consider that you may be subconsiously willing to accept her behaviour because it also allows you to avoid being in a healthy relationship. That's where you need to focus your attention. This is a very insightful post. Push-pull is not healthy, regardless of the "why" behind it. A healthy relationship is equal - both partners evenly opening up and being vulnerable as well as conscious of the partner's feelings. The OP and ex are playing a game with one another. Unfortunately when there is a push-pull dynamic walls are actually being built and resentment is the ultimate outcome. My only advice is to let go. Don't play the game, just let go, no contact at all. I mean, nothing has changed has it? Nothing good can come from contact now. History repeats itself, but only when you let it. Get off the merry-go-round. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 This is a very insightful post. Push-pull is not healthy, regardless of the "why" behind it. A healthy relationship is equal - both partners evenly opening up and being vulnerable as well as conscious of the partner's feelings. The OP and ex are playing a game with one another. Unfortunately when there is a push-pull dynamic walls are actually being built and resentment is the ultimate outcome. My only advice is to let go. Don't play the game, just let go, no contact at all. I mean, nothing has changed has it? Nothing good can come from contact now. History repeats itself, but only when you let it. Get off the merry-go-round. One thing I can assure you dear is that I dont play games with peoples feelings........ You read about her depression? So how can a wealthy relationship exist at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
sweetheart5381 Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 One thing I can assure you dear is that I dont play games with peoples feelings........ You read about her depression? So how can a wealthy relationship exist at this point? It can't be heathy so there is no use in "beating a dead horse", that's what I am saying. I am not suggesting that you chose to play the game - but you have a choice now to keeping playing or stop. It takes two to feed one another - when one refuses to feed or be fed in an unheathy way the relationship can either grow (thru each other's independent growth) or die. When you respond it feeds her, and when she doesn't respond, or responds sporadically it feeds you as well in an unhealthy relationship. YOU deserve better and have the means to stop the cycle. She knows you care, otherwise she would not communicate in the first place. Don't worry about her not knowing if you care - she is well-aware that you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 It can't be heathy so there is no use in "beating a dead horse", that's what I am saying. I am not suggesting that you chose to play the game - but you have a choice now to keeping playing or stop. It takes two to feed one another - when one refuses to feed or be fed in an unheathy way the relationship can either grow (thru each other's independent growth) or die. When you respond it feeds her, and when she doesn't respond, or responds sporadically it feeds you as well in an unhealthy relationship. YOU deserve better and have the means to stop the cycle. She knows you care, otherwise she would not communicate in the first place. Don't worry about her not knowing if you care - she is well-aware that you do. I agree but me having feelings for her is not helping at all Link to post Share on other sites
sweetheart5381 Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I agree but me having feelings for her is not helping at all Hell no, that's the ****ty part of heartbreak my friend. You can feel for someone, love them completely, but if it isnt healthy for you or them then I think it is best to leave the situation. Life goes on. They will figure it out eventually. I believe that when you truly love someone you will let them go. I did my fair share of "explaining" when faced with not knowing where they stood, grasping at straws so to speak. It is very much a game for some folks... a power play so to speak. They know very well that they reeled you into the game and want to keep playing because it makes them feel good, temporarily if need be. They want to be fed and loving people want to feed... Ultimately they want to be fed with attention, love, etc and some of us feed them thinking we will fulfill their needs (aka being a good partner, which we are, btw) Truth is, we cant fulfill their needs because they don't meet their own needs. Not our fault. Just let go. It will do both of you a favour. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 To put it simple, I still have feelings for her Not afraid of abandonment but her maybe thinking that I dont care Just because she may think you don't care, that doesn't actually mean that you don't care. You can still care for her without having to respond to her. But, by you responding to her, you are not helping her overcome her issues. But, for a moment, let's say you stop responding to her and your worst fear comes true and she thinks that you don't care. What then is going to happen to you? Do you think she will be mad at you? Or maybe she will leave you alone and stop contacting you? If she actually leaves you alone, that may trigger feelings in you that she's abandoning you and that you caused her pain. Being afraid that someone else will think you don't care is actually just a round about way of saying you're afraid of abandonment. Once you understand that, you will get a better understanding on what's going on in this push-pull dynamic. She knows you care, otherwise she would not communicate in the first place. Don't worry about her not knowing if you care - she is well-aware that you do. Once you accept what sweetheart5381 wrote, you will be more open to the idea that it's okay to not resond to her, and that not responding is what you need for yourself to overcome your fear of abandonment and it's actually what she needs from you for her to overcome her issues. My only advice is to let go. Don't play the game, just let go, no contact at all. I mean, nothing has changed has it? Nothing good can come from contact now. History repeats itself, but only when you let it. Get off the merry-go-round. Good advice by sweetheart5381. If you really do care about her, and it sounds like you do, then you would get off the merry-go-round for your well being and her's too. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Ok, for the record, you have feelings for your ex and you wont talk to her when she says its important. Is this how you acted in the relationship? Selfish? if you did not get your way you ignored her? She has used this approach in the past of :Talk to me its important , its serious, I need you, you got a gf that why you disappeared etc.... This time I did not bite: I need to talk to you, its urgent bla bla bla and the more I ignored her the more desperate she became.... She even wrote , I beg you..... 69ways, I wanted you to grow a pair and talk to her and communicate with her so you could find out on your own that this is a reconciliation attempt. Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 I agree man it sounds like you are in limbo. Are you being stubborn? Trying to punish her? Or are we just reading this all wrong and she is just screwing with you every few months? I think you owe it to yourself and maybe her too to talk to her and find out what is going on. When your old and on your death bed do you really think anyone cares that you stuck to your guns way back when and ignored an ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 I agree man it sounds like you are in limbo. Are you being stubborn? Trying to punish her? Or are we just reading this all wrong and she is just screwing with you every few months? I think you owe it to yourself and maybe her too to talk to her and find out what is going on. When your old and on your death bed do you really think anyone cares that you stuck to your guns way back when and ignored an ex? Punishing her? I dont punish people I love. Second, I dont care if people judge me if I ignored my ex or not on my death bed, I am not doing it for others my friend and for sure i am not thinking about my death bed......... Link to post Share on other sites
Falcon25 Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Listen to me Attraction is killed by men in two ways ALWAYS BEING THERE, AND NOT HAVING OTHER OPTIONS. Forget what people say about being selfish, etc. Do your thing. Let her PROVE to you she wont treat you like this anymore. 14 months man, How long are you going to do this for? Another 14? There goes almost 3 years of your life. GET THIS THING GOING MAN.You don't have to ignore, just be like, "Please stop, I'm done". Then go outside and breath........... Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 Ok, for the record, you have feelings for your ex and you wont talk to her when she says its important. Is this how you acted in the relationship? Selfish? if you did not get your way you ignored her? 69ways, I wanted you to grow a pair and talk to her and communicate with her so you could find out on your own that this is a reconciliation attempt. Wilson , you always answer and I appreciate it but if you remember I travelled to her country with flowers to speak to her and she called me selfish. I gave her the chance again in the summer and said lets meet the two of us for a weekend and talk. Again she denied. I was the one who was going to change countries to be with her. I invited 400 people to our engagement party so she should meet all the family and her feeling comfortable with all. Do these actions show a selfish guy? Honestly, some times all of you advice dumpees to stay NC and not give in to the bait and when I do this and trying to protect me and suddenly I am the selfish one? She has to try and sort things with herself as she is the one who left me for no reason and she is the one who has depression. I told her :I am here for you and on the next a/c to your country but still i get the hot and cold ex..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 Listen to me Attraction is killed by men in two ways ALWAYS BEING THERE, AND NOT HAVING OTHER OPTIONS. Forget what people say about being selfish, etc. Do your thing. Let her PROVE to you she wont treat you like this anymore. 14 months man, How long are you going to do this for? Another 14? There goes almost 3 years of your life. GET THIS THING GOING MAN.You don't have to ignore, just be like, "Please stop, I'm done". Then go outside and breath........... Actually this is what crosses my mind.....not that I am selfish..... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts