Should I break up?

[pinkroses]

I know no one can answer this question for me but when you're in the middle of emotional confusion, it helps to get some opinions.

 

I've been with someone for about 8 months now. In all this time we still have no understandings or commitments between us that make for a "real" relationship, and I don't see this going anywhere. I know neither of us are seeing anyone else, and we've called each other ever day, been seeing each other an average of twice a week, consistently. Our little boys get along great. The problem comes in that about once a month my boyfriend tends to get depressed or "disappear" for a day or two. Usually it's after we've had a really great, close time together. He'll suddenly be aloof and hostile when I try to contact him. Most of the time he's either with his little boy or home by himself when he's like this. Cheating and lying, etc. has not been an issue in our relationship, I know that's what people always think of first, but that's not the case with us.

 

Well, he was great to me through the holidays and through my birthday the beginning of this month. Then suddenly he's been grossly inconsiderate toward me ever since. He has been hard to reach by phone and doesn't seem to be trying at all to make up for standing me up last weekend when he rushed off to a funeral. He offered to buy me something and pay for me to have my hair done, as parts of my birthday gift, and I have not heard a word about either in over a week now. Here we are the 2nd weekend in a row and I can't get ahold of him, even after telling him I don't want to be ignored---if he wants time alone with his son or whatever, at least communicate this to me somehow. This is his weekend with his little boy and I know he wouldn't be giving up visitation with him to be doing anything weird, but my patience is just about shot. Part of me says it's just the same old thing, he'll call when he either finds his phone or is away from his family (he often spends weekends with them), but another part of me feels that something is different and I can't do this anymore.

 

The reason I'm feeling so upset is that usually, regardless of what is going on, I can reach him by phone at least part of a day or one day of the weekend. I feel like I'm being purposely ignored, because he isn't returning my calls or text messages. I am not some psycho who hounds him for every minute of his time, I am simply trying to contact him over a weekend, like I've always done. Sometimes I wonder if he's purposely trying to see how inconsiderate he can treat me before I'll say it's enough.

[SoleMate]

I believe you mentioned that he's struggling with depression or agoraphobia - is that right? At any rate, the only way I would stay with this guy is if he would discuss this issue with me and agree to return my calls within an agreed time - say 24 hours. He would also have to live up to this for several months, at least. And he would need to be sincerely sorry for every late arrival, not to mention standup, in which case he should be overflowing with apologies.

 

Men who disappear without a word scare me. How would you know if he'd been in a car accident? Wouldn't you worry that every disappearance was going to mean you never saw him again? Yuck, I couldn't handle that.

[Leikela]

we still have no understandings or commitments between us that make for a "real" relationship

 

Usually it's after we've had a really great, close time together.

 

Those two quotes right there say it all. He's a commitment phobic. He's afraid of getting too close to you because he terrifed of falling in love and actually having to commit to someone. So when you trudge dangerously into those "comfortable" waters, he has to break things up by being rude or disappearing. He is conviently pushing you away to prevent any kind of long term bonding.

 

You have to ask yourself if you want to deal with someone like this. Go to a search engine and type in committment phobic and read all about people like this and make a decision. People can change, but it takes them admitting they are this way and wanting to change themselves. It can be a hard, long road.

 

He has underlying issues he needs to deal with first before trying to have a healthy relationship. If you're not that invested deeply with him now, I would suggest you get the heck out of dodge and find a man that WILL committ to you and love you the way you deserve. Good luck.

[delia88]

Hi,

 

I don't know if this is the same thing but I had a friend who suffered from panic attacks and depression. So when she felt a session coming on she would do the same thing hide and cut off all communication. I noticed a big difference once she accepted the fact that she has these problems and went for counseling. I don't think you can move forward without him working this out with a professional.

 

I hope this helps.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Leikela

Those two quotes right there say it all. He's a commitment phobic. He's afraid of getting too close to you because he terrifed of falling in love and actually having to commit to someone. So when you trudge dangerously into those "comfortable" waters, he has to break things up by being rude or disappearing. He is conviently pushing you away to prevent any kind of long term bonding.

 

 

I agree with Leikela.....because I am very much like that. I don't know how to keep a relationship from going deeper than I want it to....so I find myself ignoring the whole situation. Kind of like putting your head in the sand. It's not meant as 'being rude'....actually, I just try to keep from hurting someone's feelings. Then, I make it worse by being to chickensh*t to face it like an adult.

 

Will he ever be a great candidate for a relationship beyond what you currently have? Not until HE is ready.....which may be never.