Got Myself Into A Mess - How Do I Get Out?

[Jackie428]

I am so sad and confused. I just got married. We both have sons close to the same age. Problem is HIS son is a year older than my son - his son treats MY son like dirt. He bullies him, talks down to him and is jealous of MY son for no reason. My son is always polite and kind but HIS son is evil. This has escalated since we got married (it was bad before but I was told "Boys will be boys - they're gonna argue and disagree just like normal brothers).

 

This is not normal - his son is abusive to my son and I won't tolerate it. We just got married but I'm sick to my stomach and miserable. Please don't berrate me for getting married - I already feel stupid for doing it (we just did the Justice of Peace thing - no big wedding).

 

I've made a huge mistake marrying this man. Me and my son have not moved into his house yet and I want out. I feel so stupid for marrying in the first place when I had gut feelings that it was wrong. My son hates the situation and just wants me to get a divorce.

 

I've got to get out of this - problem is my husband has been very kind to me and it's going to hurt him tremendously when I tell him I can't deal with this. I tried to tell him before we got married that I was unsure and saw alot of red flags but he talked me into it and told me not to worry about anything.

 

How do I tell him that I cannot move in with him or continue in this marriage because of the way his son treats my son and that I have too many doubts about all this?

 

(I brought to his attention his son's bullying problems many times and he just shrugged it off and said my son was just too "soft").

 

I have lost my desire for my husband because he seems to have no respect or interest in my son's feelings. He always sides with his own son, etc.

 

In a nutshell I am miserable - made a stupid mistake marrying him - feel like a total fool but gotta eat crow and get out of this. I just hate hurting my husband.

[Arabess]

Jackie,

I want to say one thing first...I absolutely RESPECT you for putting your child's feelings first. So many women in your position don't. One of the reasons I stay single is because I don't want my kids to have to go thru that. I've seen so many hurtful situations. Where are the "Brady Bunch" thoughts????? LOL!

 

I don't know if your new guy will understand what you are saying or trying to convey here. He may be in denial over the fact that his son is an A$$. Chances are.....this is coming from jealousy and a myriad of other problems in this boy's life......but your son shouldn't have to suffer or lose self esteem because of it.

 

I wish I had some great answer for you. Maybe family therapy......hell, who knows???? Just love your child FIRST...cause you are all that he has to look out for him.

 

Hopefully, someone in here will have some good advice.

 

Arabess

[Jackie428]

Arabess, thank you so much.

 

I never realized how truly great things have been with it just being me and my son until I got married! My delusions of marriage and a happily blended family just blew up in my face.

 

I went into my relationship and marriage with high hopes but once again - ignored those major red flags and warning signs. Sometimes I just go totally brain dead.

 

Thanks a million for your kind words - it's bad enough how stupid I feel and how people are still "congratulating" me on my new marriage when I am miserable and want to get a divorce.

 

My son said "Why did you even put yourself thru this and get married in the first place?". GOOD QUESTION! I screwed up and hate myself for it.

 

Honestly - I wanted to feel the security of having someone there for me. I have no family other than a brother (parents died, etc.). I've had to raise my son totally alone and I just felt lonely. Plus at age 41 people have said "You better marry him - you're not getting any younger and no one else might ever come along". I just wanted companionship and love.

 

My husband came into our life and has helped me finacially and emotionally and is a really good man EXCEPT he lets his son do anything and has no discipline or parental control over this kid. His kid is 12 and I can already see him getting thrown in jail for something - he's wild and out of control -- plus he's just downright mean.

 

My son is one of the most kindest and caring kids - he ain't perfect but he always wants to help others and be friendly. My husband's son has kicked, punched, spit on and tried to beat him up too many times to count. My husband's attitude is "Let the boys work it out on their own - your son is too soft - he needs to learn to stand up for himself".

 

I can foresee this boy doing mean things to my son and hurting our cats if we moved into their house. And I see things escalating and my husband sitting there saying "Oh they'll be fine - let them work it out".

 

I hate to say this but his son is a mean, undisciplined, spoiled brat better known as Damian or Satan!

 

Here's to always putting your child first and doing what is best for them! I hear ya loud and clear!!!

 

Thanks for your kind comments!

[Arabess]

I'm single with an 11 year old son. I totally understand where it looks like and feels like....someone is going to provide him with a 'family home'...when, in fact, all it ends up doing is hurting the child which could benefit from such a union.

 

I wouldn't think staying in the marriage, unless drastic measures are taken, is worth it to you or your son. He is an extension of you. If your new hubby can't see your son is being hurt.....then perhaps he is too delusional to see YOU TOO are also being hurt. His job is to protect you and your offspring....not to place you in emotional harm.

 

His son sounds like a kid with some real problems....maybe even brought on by a Mom who is jealous of you. It really doesn't matter what caused the situation though....you need to kind of decide to "get out" before this gets any worse and emotional damage is done to YOUR son.

 

I so feel for you.... cause this is so unfair.

[Vivid_29]

Take it easy, Jackie and try not to beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes.

 

I know that you are scared of hurting your hubby's feelings, but you and your little boy come first. You have to tell him, regardless of how he is gonna feel. It's better to do it now, then later on, down the road.

 

You are 41, right? Don't get into the mindset that you have to catch the last train before it leaves. There is someone out there for everyone, regardless of their age!

 

~V

[Hoping]

Jackie:

 

Have you told your husband that unless he gets his son to straighten out his act you will leave him? He may not understand how much pain this is bringing you (we men can be pretty clueless). Maybe if you told him that he would come up with a solution. From your posts it seems that the devil-son is the only problem -- albeit a big one.

[midori]

I think it's rather telling that when you voiced your doubts about marriage to your then-fiance, he brushed them aside and said that everything would be all right. Did he actually listen to you, or had he just made up his mind that the marriage should happen and responded to your doubts by dismissing them? Now this attitude is apparent in the way he deals (or doesn't deal) with his son. He sounds like a guy who sticks his head in the sand and refuses to deal with problems. "Oh no everything will be fine once we're married. Marriage is going to be great, are you kidding? Don't worry!" "Oh don't worry about it, boys will be boys. Your son needs to toughen up a bit anyway. Don't worry!"

 

Nice solution for him. He gets what he wants that way: marriage, not having to take his son in hand and demand better behavior from him. I agree with those who have suggested that the boy sounds like he has some real issues. Perhaps one of them is the fact that his father is unable or unwilling to do the difficult job of parenting -- which includes discipline, empathy, and emotional involvement. Your husband seems to think that his son is the human equivalent of a self-cleaning oven. No effort needed!

 

At the end of the day I'd say the problem is less your stepson, and more your husband. The boy wouldn't behave as he does if the father didn't allow it. Your husband isn't willing to consider anything that would inconvenience him/burst his bubble. He may be nice and kind on the surface, but as you've discovered, he is not supportive of you on the bigger things.

 

I can understand that dissolving the marriage would be a painful decision for you. And I'm sure you have feelings for your husband, and he for you. But from what I hear, he doesn't sound like that nice a guy. At best he's lazy. At worst he's lazy, selfish, arrogant, and cruel. No one should be okay with a child being bullied by an older child -- including the older child's parent. The fact that he's inclined to sweep it under the rug suggests to me that your husband is not a very considerate or responsible person.

 

Speaking with an outsider's objectivity, I'd end it with him if I were you.