Unstable life, unstable relationship.

[BoredAgain]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about five years (since the start of college) and, overall, the relationship has been great. We have lots of fun together, we're extremely close, and we almost never have fights/arguments. Unfortunately, things are currently a bit rocky.

 

Our lives are both pretty unstable. Neither of us is sure we're we'll be living or what we'll be doing 1-2 months from now, and it's pretty scary and stressful. It's possible that our career paths will take us in different directions... we don't know... there is a lot of uncertainty, and this led us to break up last week.

 

There was no "dumping" involved. It wasn't like that. It was more, "we have this big problem, maybe we should take a break for awhile until we figure things out." And that was it. Of course, the breakup lasted less than two days. She called me in the middle of the night, cried, and told me how she thought we made a big mistake.

 

We talked things through and decided to reverse the breakup, but things haven't been quite the same since. She has been hot & cold. Yesterday morning she told me she was considering taking a break again, but by the end of the night she was happy and telling me how she wanted to make things work. My opinion is that if we both love and care about each other - which we do - then we just need to resolve to do our best. I'm just not sure that she has that same resolve.

 

This whole situation is too emotional and personal for me to view with objectivity, so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Should we take a break until things are more stable? Or should we try to work things out until we know what's going on with our lives? Is this sort of thing normal in a long-term relationship?

 

Thanks

[sugarmomma]

If you love each other- stay together and work things out. Take breaks, breakups etc off the table and just continue to support and encourage each other. You have been together too long and you don't want to have any regrets later.

[mike588]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about five years (since the start of college) and, overall, the relationship has been great. We have lots of fun together, we're extremely close, and we almost never have fights/arguments. Unfortunately, things are currently a bit rocky.

 

Our lives are both pretty unstable. Neither of us is sure we're we'll be living or what we'll be doing 1-2 months from now, and it's pretty scary and stressful. It's possible that our career paths will take us in different directions... we don't know... there is a lot of uncertainty, and this led us to break up last week.

 

There was no "dumping" involved. It wasn't like that. It was more, "we have this big problem, maybe we should take a break for awhile until we figure things out." And that was it. Of course, the breakup lasted less than two days. She called me in the middle of the night, cried, and told me how she thought we made a big mistake.

 

We talked things through and decided to reverse the breakup, but things haven't been quite the same since. She has been hot & cold. Yesterday morning she told me she was considering taking a break again, but by the end of the night she was happy and telling me how she wanted to make things work. My opinion is that if we both love and care about each other - which we do - then we just need to resolve to do our best. I'm just not sure that she has that same resolve.

 

This whole situation is too emotional and personal for me to view with objectivity, so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Should we take a break until things are more stable? Or should we try to work things out until we know what's going on with our lives? Is this sort of thing normal in a long-term relationship?

 

Thanks

Ever thought about the two of you seeking professional help?

[BoredAgain]

Ever thought about the two of you seeking professional help?

 

We've thought about it, sure. You recommend this?

[mike588]

We've thought about it, sure. You recommend this?

 

Yes! A commited partner looks for a solution,an uncommited partner looks for an escape.

[BoredAgain]

Well, I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Tonight she told me she wanted to go on a "break" for one week. Something in my gut tells me that this is a preamble to the old "I love you but I'm not *in-love* with you" speech. Though, when this happened last weekend it lasted only ~36 hours before she called me crying about how she wanted to work things out... though I'm not as optimistic this time around.

 

I'm really going to do my best to keep no contact. Though if she contacts me, I'm pretty sure that I'll answer. I don't have a huge support system, so this is extra tough on me. I'm feeling so many emotions right now. I'm sad and hurt, of course, but I'm also angry. We've been through so much together, yet as soon as things start to get difficult she pulls away. I'm also scared. After five years of being together, I can't picture a future without her.

 

Right now, I'll sleep. Tomorrow I'll spend the day distracting myself by figuring out a new direction for my life. Wish me luck.

[wilsonx]

This off and on hot and cold is turning into the point of emotional manipulation. There are no such things as breaks for mature people.

 

Its this simple, someone wants to be with your, or someone doesnt want to be with you. Your work through the problems or you dont work through the problems.

 

This is going to make you go coo coo for co co puffs. Ask yourself ok so what happens in a week? Am I going to call her up and ask her what now? Am I going to give her that much control to whip me back and forth over and over again. I know both of you are at a point in your life where your paths may diverge, but this is a good time for healthy boundary setting. Have a talk with her, "look you can not be this hot and cold with me. We either work through this or we don't but a decision has to be made and once its made, its made."

 

Breaks are by definition... let me get all my ducks in a row before I breakup with you.

 

You can make the choice "I do not want to be taken for granted, I want someone that wants to be with me and work through life together or I can move on. Not pause the relationship whenever we hit a rough patch"

[leoc1973]

Listen to wilson he is a wise man. I think what she is doing is slowly emotionally seperating herself from you for one and the other is she wants to see if you will keep coming back if she changes her mind. I think you need to scare the hell out of her and when the week is up tell her you just want to be single. You need to preemptive strike here. Its really weird that the first to be dumped is usually the one that freaks out and ends up pushing the other one away. Begging pleading all that stuff you will end up giving her no pain at all while you suffer for months and months. She will feel no loss whatsoever because she hasn't lost anything. The first thing I said a lot of women seem to do this. If you read a few thousand posts on here.. lol you will see that the women always seem to have "left" the relationship way before leaving the relationship. I think she is doing one or the other here maybe both. This is what my ex did to me in hindsight. By the time she broke up with me her healing was 90% complete. Then she played that game where she tells me she wants me and thinks about me and loves me just to get my reaction. To see if I was hanging on. I think if right away in my relationship I had been stone cold to her she would have had enough love left to come running back but I never did. She would throw out the breadcrumbs and I would gobble them up over and over again. Take the power now before its too late!

[hoping2heal]

Hello Bored,

 

I am sorry to read about all you're going through. Before I respond, you mentioned that there was no dumping just a mutual decision of we have a problem, let's take a break to figure out how to solve it, etc. (I'm paraphrasing). However, one of you had to say it first I'm thinking? Did you both just happen to come to one another with the very same thought in mind and blurt out simultaneously? If not, who was the one who mentioned the break first?

[BoredAgain]

Hello Bored,

 

I am sorry to read about all you're going through. Before I respond, you mentioned that there was no dumping just a mutual decision of we have a problem, let's take a break to figure out how to solve it, etc. (I'm paraphrasing). However, one of you had to say it first I'm thinking? Did you both just happen to come to one another with the very same thought in mind and blurt out simultaneously? If not, who was the one who mentioned the break first?

 

 

Originally - last Saturday --- I told her that our future paths were really uncertain, so we either have to figure something out or our relationship is in trouble. She indicated that she didn't want to figure things out (which, frankly, she never does because she gets stressed talking about big decisions). So, I said then we'd have to consider taking a break; she said "breaks" are nonsense; I asked her if she thought we should break-up for good; she said "maybe" (which I took as a "yes").

 

Then, Sunday night at 3AM she called crying. She told me that she thought breaking up was a huge mistake and that she wanted to work things out. Then we had a few normal days until Friday when she told me that she was thinking we should take a break... but then we hung out and we had tons of fun and she said, at the end of the night, that she was feeling a lot better about things. Then last night she told me she wanted a break again for one week.

 

...it's weird. Now that I think about it, these "break ups" all came right after she had been hanging out at bars/clubs with her friends (which she just started doing 2-3 weeks ago). Even yesterday, things were fine until we went to hang out with her friends at a bar and she started to pull away... Gah, I shouldn't over-analyze.

[iPhone]

...it's weird. Now that I think about it, these "break ups" all came right after she had been hanging out at bars/clubs with her friends (which she just started doing 2-3 weeks ago). Even yesterday, things were fine until we went to hang out with her friends at a bar and she started to pull away... Gah, I shouldn't over-analyze.

 

I don't think this IS over-analyzing. Over-analyzing would be thinking a hurricane is building slowly and the world is coming to a slow and prophetic end because it has rained 2 days in a row.

 

I would take what you said serious. There may be truth to it.

 

It's also possible you're just both under enormous stress because of the careers and moving, etc.

 

See how it goes in two weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoping2Heal, I knew you a long time ago under my old account. We talked a lot. I wish I could PM you so you'd know who I am. I'd love to catch up.

[wilsonx]

...it's weird. Now that I think about it, these "break ups" all came right after she had been hanging out at bars/clubs with her friends (which she just started doing 2-3 weeks ago). Even yesterday, things were fine until we went to hang out with her friends at a bar and she started to pull away... Gah, I shouldn't over-analyze.

 

This is not over analyzing at all. This is paying attention to your environment. You should read at least tge first post in the grass is greener thread in my signature. I saw this in your post and there were a lot of keywords that triggered it for me. Break,walling off (not communicating big things/problems with you), sudden change of behavior. You are seeing this and its stressing you out because you don't know what's going on.

 

I don't have time to post more but feel free to ask me questions. I've watched this happen to myself my friends its happened my dad and other people on this forum.

[norajane]

Originally - last Saturday --- I told her that our future paths were really uncertain, so we either have to figure something out or our relationship is in trouble. She indicated that she didn't want to figure things out (which, frankly, she never does because she gets stressed talking about big decisions). So, I said then we'd have to consider taking a break

 

What exactly did you think would happen on a break that would HELP your relationship? What were you expecting you'd each figure out on your own about the future that would be better than what you'd figure out together?

 

I don't understand why you brought up taking a break, nor what that was supposed to mean.

 

I don't know. Maybe you really do want to break up. But now that she is the one that wants to take a break, you're all upset about it.

[hoping2heal]

Originally - last Saturday --- I told her that our future paths were really uncertain, so we either have to figure something out or our relationship is in trouble. She indicated that she didn't want to figure things out (which, frankly, she never does because she gets stressed talking about big decisions). So, I said then we'd have to consider taking a break; she said "breaks" are nonsense; I asked her if she thought we should break-up for good; she said "maybe" (which I took as a "yes").

 

Then, Sunday night at 3AM she called crying. She told me that she thought breaking up was a huge mistake and that she wanted to work things out. Then we had a few normal days until Friday when she told me that she was thinking we should take a break... but then we hung out and we had tons of fun and she said, at the end of the night, that she was feeling a lot better about things. Then last night she told me she wanted a break again for one week.

 

...it's weird. Now that I think about it, these "break ups" all came right after she had been hanging out at bars/clubs with her friends (which she just started doing 2-3 weeks ago). Even yesterday, things were fine until we went to hang out with her friends at a bar and she started to pull away... Gah, I shouldn't over-analyze.

 

Hello Bored,

another poster (I think WilsonX) mentioned that breaks shouldn't be done and problems should be worked out. I whole heartedly agree. While there are legitimate reasons for ending a relationship, part of commitment involves working through stressful problems. Fulfilling and loving relationships take true effort and hard work to sustain and foster. That is part of what makes them so rewarding - knowing that together the two of you overcame differences/tragedies/circumstances what have you and chose to continue loving one another instead of turning away because things got tough.

 

It probably was jarring for her when you suggested a break and the reality that drove her to crying her eyes out probably also birthed some rather large insecurity in her. She probably questioned your commitment level to her and abandonment fears could have risen. If she has ever been abandoned by an important person in her life this would be amplified.

 

Her hot and cold? She is probably feeling those - literally. A part of her loving you and the other part is her recoiling when that fear and pain of the break comes furling forward. It's very possible she decided to pull out the "break" card to 1. See how strongly you would react at the thought of losing her 2. Feel some power after having her security ripped right out from under her.

 

This dynamic can get very unhealthy, very fast - the minute one or both parties in a relationship resorts to manipulation or dishonesty the trouble begins - honest communication breaks down and genuine feelings and thoughts get masked and that is a big, big, problem.

 

Now, it may sound like I'm blaming you - but I'm not. I want you to understand the problem with "breaks" and how they are not a solution to get your partner to open their eyes and stop being such a bonehead - they will just throw a wrench in the security of your relationship and cause people to start acting out of fear emotions - not good.

 

You mention her going out to the club but I don't think its that so much as she talked to her girlfriends who gave her game playing advice - If I had a dime for everytime a girlfriend or the girlfriends of some girl I knew gave me/other ladies advice to play games and get a response..oh I'd be wealthy.

 

She isn't perfect either - you mention that she gets too stressed out by big problems and runs away from working them out. Relationships face problems - they MUST be worked out or the relationship bond starts to dissemble. Giving breaks also gives her an excuse to avoid the problem - if you're on a break no problems need to be worked out, they can be avoided and since the break will create a new set of issues they will serve to distract the couple from the main issues at the root.

 

Now, do you want this woman back and do you want to start repairing things and get on the right track?

[BoredAgain]

Yeah, all I ever wanted to do was try to work things through, but she keeps changing her mind about whether she wants to.

 

The more I think about her behavior, the more I think she's going through a quarter-life crisis. She's a month away from finally graduating, but when I ask her about her future plans - meaning 2-3 months from now - she freaks out and says things like "I can't think about that right now" or "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you about this" (and, honestly, I've been making an effort to ask about it both gently and rarely). The other day she asked me if it'd upset me if she started smoking pot again (she hasn't touched the stuff since high school), and if we got married she doesn't want to change her last name. And, like I mentioned before, in the last few weeks she started going out to bars/clubs drinking until 2AM (whereas she's always been the "early to bed" type).

 

I don't mean to down-play the quarter-life crisis. Last year, after I graduated, I was freaking out about my entire life and it was horrible. So, maybe the best thing to do is give her some space, and let her figure things out?

[hoping2heal]

Yeah, all I ever wanted to do was try to work things through, but she keeps changing her mind about whether she wants to.

 

The more I think about her behavior, the more I think she's going through a quarter-life crisis. She's a month away from finally graduating, but when I ask her about her future plans - meaning 2-3 months from now - she freaks out and says things like "I can't think about that right now" or "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you about this" (and, honestly, I've been making an effort to ask about it both gently and rarely). The other day she asked me if it'd upset me if she started smoking pot again (she hasn't touched the stuff since high school), and if we got married she doesn't want to change her last name. And, like I mentioned before, in the last few weeks she started going out to bars/clubs drinking until 2AM (whereas she's always been the "early to bed" type).

 

I don't mean to down-play the quarter-life crisis. Last year, after I graduated, I was freaking out about my entire life and it was horrible. So, maybe the best thing to do is give her some space, and let her figure things out?

 

Hello Again,

 

Thanks for sharing more information, it helps. Okay so what it sounds like is she is about to graduate and she is scared. She is probably feeling a lot of pressure now that she is about to be released into the rat race, the economy is not doing so well right now, I don't know what she is planning to pursue for a career but it can be scary enough about to enter into a field that is thriving, let alone one that isn't doing so well or might be iffy.

 

She is scared and so she is acting out by trying to sabotage herself. The idea of responsibility is causing a lot of fear for her and self-doubt. Up until now she identified herself as a college student - she could attend school and work towards good grades and all she had to do was sign up. A career is much different - you have to find an employer and mistakes won't be regarded in the same manner in the workforce as they are in college. It's a big change and I don't think she necessarily wants to smoke pot, not change her last name, or go out to the clubs - she just wants to prolong the future.

 

 

What is she referring too when she tells you "I am feeling a lot of pressure from you about this?" I need specifics, please.

 

Should you give her space? No, when someone we love who loves us is going through a tough time in their personal life we need to be there to offer them support and caring - not just drop the ball on them. Now, my response would be different if you told me you weren't interested in working out the relationship - and/or if I had seen any indication that she genuinely didn't want to work out the relationship but from you two? I see two confused people muddling around in the dark - but not two people who don't want to be with the other. I'll go into that more in depth once I hear from you about the pressure she is feeling.

[BoredAgain]

The pressure thing... that was really nothing. She has applied for jobs in various cities, so I asked something like, "So if you are offered jobs in both City X and City Y, which one do you think you'd take?" And that's when she said something like, "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you right now" as if I were forcing her to cut off one of her arms. It was a total over-reaction on her part, no question. She is feeling very stressed and scared about the entire situation.

 

So you suggest that I call her ant tell her I'm there for her? I don't know about that... I care about her a lot, but wouldn't just giving her space for awhile be a good thing? I think she really needs to figure out what she wants to do for herself. Or at the very least, she needs to be willing to discuss her future plans without freaking out.

 

We are currently in "no contact" mode, but she's not thrilled about that.

[wilsonx]

Im going to diverge and from hoping2heal and say something different. I think she needs space to figure things out.

 

You have done everything possible to get real life questions that couples need to discuss out in the open. She's not willing to communicate them. Her sabotaging herself is not your problem (This might sound like a terrible thing to say but its true and you can't do anything to change this). I know you love her and care for her but shes an adult and has to make her own choices in life.

 

What really flips the light switch for me is that she stopped smoking pot while in a relationship with you. And then asked you if it would bother you if she started it again. This is a sign that she has already done it. People that do drugs on and off like this do so because they have a hard time expressing their feelings. They feel trapped inside themselves and while in a relationship with you, she was able to open up. If you can't tell, she's put the walls back up, out of relationship mode.

 

You also expressed that you are in NC mode now and she doesn't like that. NC is for you not for her. Its for you to separate yourself emotionally and give yourself some space to think about whats best for you. You are doing the right thing for you. You both need space.

 

All these signs are the tell tell signs of a grass is greener breakup. If you put pressure on her, shes actually going to start to resent you because you are not giving her any space. Look at your last conversation when you asked her a question about city X and city Y which was no big deal to you but she took it as a big deal. Shes building resentment towards you. The resentment buildup is not coming from your actions, they're coming from hers by the way.

[hoping2heal]

The pressure thing... that was really nothing. She has applied for jobs in various cities, so I asked something like, "So if you are offered jobs in both City X and City Y, which one do you think you'd take?" And that's when she said something like, "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you right now" as if I were forcing her to cut off one of her arms. It was a total over-reaction on her part, no question. She is feeling very stressed and scared about the entire situation.

 

So you suggest that I call her ant tell her I'm there for her? I don't know about that... I care about her a lot, but wouldn't just giving her space for awhile be a good thing? I think she really needs to figure out what she wants to do for herself. Or at the very least, she needs to be willing to discuss her future plans without freaking out.

 

We are currently in "no contact" mode, but she's not thrilled about that.

 

Hello,

 

What I suggest is that you give love and support to your partner during a very stressful, timultuous time in her life. Tell her how you feel in a way that is honest and to the point. Tell her that you love her and all you have wanted was for the two of you to work things out, that you feel confused by her change in behavior but you love her and you want the two of us to get through this, together. I would also tell her that you need to know from her end that she is capable of working out problems and that you will be there to give her love and support as she goes through what you imagine is a very scary and stressful time. Not that it has to be word for word or anything like that - but it is honest, no game playing, no trying to act one way or the other for the sake of appearances or other nonsense.

 

Yes, she needs to figure a few things out for herself but is there a reason you feel you cannot be there to support her and sustain the relationship while she does this? There are a lot of difficult things a couple goes through in the course of a lifetime together - loss of Parents or other important friends/figures, sometimes loss of a child or miscarriage, loss or change of a career/job/living city or country etc. If you are in this for the long haul you are going to have to accept that personal changes will affect your relationship and you can either endure through them and support your partner or you can "give them space" and push them away, isolate them, and disolve your relationship.

 

Nobody is perfect and there are dealbreakers - which are things you simply can't and will not be able to tolerate/accept in your relationship and or partner - and then there are faults and flaws - which you can either fight them tooth and nail and be bent out of shape - or you can say "This is just part of the package and I accept this person is this way".

 

Knowing your deal breakers is important because you are both going to be unhappy if your partner is doing something you just cannot handle, but flaws are a bit different and accepting that a person has them and deciding to love them will make you happier and cause you less stress once you've accepted "this is just how it is" - but again, you won't feel that way about everything - that's where dealbreakers come into play. You can't change all the annoying habits/etc. about a person so you have to decide "What can I genuinely accept and what will I just not be able to?" So really think this through and decide knowing her flaws what you can deal with and what you can't and be honest about what your needs are and how it makes you feel when she reacts the way she has - but let her know ultimately you love her and want to get through this together if that is what you really decide you want and are ready to commit to.

 

I think that your support and commitment could be both humbling and very sobering to her. "Okay, I am going through a lot right now, but I have this wonderful man I can count on. I don't want to ruin this and I don't want to hurt him, I really need to sort myself out" sort of thing.

Edited November 27, 2011 by hoping2heal

[norajane]

The pressure thing... that was really nothing. She has applied for jobs in various cities, so I asked something like, "So if you are offered jobs in both City X and City Y, which one do you think you'd take?" And that's when she said something like, "I'm feeling a lot of pressure from you right now" as if I were forcing her to cut off one of her arms. It was a total over-reaction on her part, no question. She is feeling very stressed and scared about the entire situation.

 

So you suggest that I call her ant tell her I'm there for her? I don't know about that... I care about her a lot, but wouldn't just giving her space for awhile be a good thing? I think she really needs to figure out what she wants to do for herself. Or at the very least, she needs to be willing to discuss her future plans without freaking out.

 

We are currently in "no contact" mode, but she's not thrilled about that.

 

Why can't you just be honest and open with her? Instead of asking her questions about the future, why don't you come out and tell her what you are hoping for your relationship?

 

You've been asking her because....why? What do you want to happen? What does "work things out" mean to you?

 

"Sweetheart, I love you and am hoping that we will stay together after you graduate."

 

Why can't you say that, instead of pussy-footing around it with questions about city x or city y or city z? It may not be clear to her that you WANT to stay together, so are just riding her about making a decision.

 

Let her know what YOU want for your future together. And let her think about her decisions and her future with that understanding of your intentions in mind.

 

Instead, you started the "taking a break" issue, which just served to make her feel uncertain about YOU.

[hoping2heal]

Im going to diverge and from hoping2heal and say something different. I think she needs space to figure things out.

 

You have done everything possible to get real life questions that couples need to discuss out in the open. She's not willing to communicate them. Her sabotaging herself is not your problem (This might sound like a terrible thing to say but its true and you can't do anything to change this). I know you love her and care for her but shes an adult and has to make her own choices in life.

 

What really flips the light switch for me is that she stopped smoking pot while in a relationship with you. And then asked you if it would bother you if she started it again. This is a sign that she has already done it. People that do drugs on and off like this do so because they have a hard time expressing their feelings. They feel trapped inside themselves and while in a relationship with you, she was able to open up. If you can't tell, she's put the walls back up, out of relationship mode.

 

You also expressed that you are in NC mode now and she doesn't like that. NC is for you not for her. Its for you to separate yourself emotionally and give yourself some space to think about whats best for you. You are doing the right thing for you. You both need space.

 

All these signs are the tell tell signs of a grass is greener breakup. If you put pressure on her, shes actually going to start to resent you because you are not giving her any space. Look at your last conversation when you asked her a question about city X and city Y which was no big deal to you but she took it as a big deal. Shes building resentment towards you. The resentment buildup is not coming from your actions, they're coming from hers by the way.

Wilson & OP -

 

Wilson I think you offer a lot of sound advice and make great points but in this instance, I have to disagree here with this couple. There are most certainly situations where a partner is checking out of the relationship because they want to pursue other people OR single status and in those cases support will create a pressure that leads to resentment.

 

However, based on the information shared by the OP I see no evidence that is what taking place is his girlfriend getting a case of the wandering eye. Unless I read incorrectly the woman smoked pot in high school and didn't necesarily stop just because of the relationship she entered with OP. The fact that she is feeling pressure when he asks her low key questions about her future is very telling that she is taking it hard that she will be graduating and is struggling with all the expectations she is placing on herself and probably plenty she assumes others are placing on her.

 

It wouldn't surprise me if there is an image she has built in her head where she thinks "This is what my partner wants when I graduate - I have to live up to this - oh no! What if I fail?"

 

OP, you established that your girlfriend never went to the break zone until you did it first and I stand by the fact that her security was shaken when you initiated one and that now she is acting out and feeling not only pressure about her personal life, but insecurity in her relationship. Not a fun combination!

 

I can understand you must be feeling a bit of "oh crap, which piece of advice do I listen too now?" That, or you just think I'm crazy

Edited November 27, 2011 by hoping2heal

[Teuen101]

I think wilsons point is a 99.9 right, hoping3heal however has a point too ,but let me explain,

 

 

You can express and love the person till your blue in the face, however they have to let you love them, they have to understand you love them, this is why Wilson says let go say no more. In in the end there are no combo of works that will change her mind. It's a her problem not a you problem. If you talk to her much about anything she will feel your trying to talk about the relationship issues, this is why you need space.

 

Would it hurt to say look im here for you, nope, say it, put the ball in her court and walk away. But only say that,

 

If you say to much or try to hard or push at all it's game set match, she is getting upset with you over little things, your walking on egg shells, it's a time bomb waiting to go off.

 

Sounds like to me you've done all you can do. But if you want to say one last thing to her make sure its short and sweet and just say look. I love you and im here for you, I want us to work, but its going to take both of us. I'm here for you if you need me and then drop it.

 

then its in her hands. But it sounds like you've already done this, so it's best to wait it out.

[BoredAgain]

h2h & wilson,

 

I agree and disagree with both of you here on different points. First, wilson, I really doubt that she has actually started smoking pot. She is going to be drug tested when she starts working, and she wouldn't risk it.

 

Second, h2h, I already made it clear to her that I was willing to work things out. She's the one who is wishy-washy about it... but, again, I think it's linked to the fact that she's so unsure about her future. I let her know that working it out with me entails figuring out what we're going to be doing in the next few months, but she doesn't seem ready to face the future.

 

Is there another guy? I don't know, actually. She's gotten very friendly with this guy in her class. She introduced me to him last night and, shockingly, him and I are similar in many ways. His single and nice... but this could all be paranoia (I had a girlfriend of two-years who dumped me at the end of high school for a guy she had just started getting friendly with, so there is baggage there).

 

My current thinking is this (it seems to change every hour): Last weekend no-contact lasted all of 20 hours (when she texted me asking me how I was doing) and the breakup lasted about 40 hours (when she called me crying in the middle of the night). She needs time to figure out what she wants for her life. I'm not sure we can work things out until she figures herself out.

[Teuen101]

Why can't you just be honest and open with her? Instead of asking her questions about the future, why don't you come out and tell her what you are hoping for your relationship?

 

You've been asking her because....why? What do you want to happen? What does "work things out" mean to you?

 

"Sweetheart, I love you and am hoping that we will stay together after you graduate."

 

Why can't you say that, instead of pussy-footing around it with questions about city x or city y or city z? It may not be clear to her that you WANT to stay together, so are just riding her about making a decision.

 

Let her know what YOU want for your future together. And let her think about her decisions and her future with that understanding of your intentions in mind.

 

Instead, you started the "taking a break" issue, which just served to make her feel uncertain about YOU.

 

Also if you read what he said you'll see her actions have been changing. so he prob can't talk to her about the future he has to ask questions that arnt so point blank. so he is asking questions in a defrent way to get a awnser. thus he is walking on egg shells, thats why he is asking questions about the city or job she might be taking, and even that is setting her off,

 

He prob questioned her about "Taking a break" to see what she would say she was prob giving him mixed signals. so he was testing the water.

 

I'm not sure him asking that one question set off all this. thats alot to blame on one statment, there is more to this then meets the eye

 

donno maybe I'm wrong. But maybe you shouldnt pin it all him for asking a question, can't we ask questions in our relationships and not have to worrie about the person running off on them ?

 

sorry for the bad grammer and spelling but i hope you see what im saying.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Teuen101
spelling grammer

[Teuen101]

Is there another guy? I don't know, actually. She's gotten very friendly with this guy in her class. She introduced me to him last night and, shockingly, him and I are similar in many ways. His single and nice... but this could all be paranoia

 

This could be paranoia like you said But I've had this done to me before, they let you meet the next guy..I had a ex who did this to me, I could never figure out why they do that.

 

who knows. this could be only friendship. whats your Gut tell you ?