Battle of the ex's.....

[smokey bear]

Things have drastically changed in the last week or so

 

My ex is now the one txtin me daily.

 

My ex is now the one who says "have you fell out with me? I dont want to fall out"

 

My ex is now the one that panics if i dont reply with 15 minutes

 

Yet i still dont have a clue what to do.

 

 

I must admit its nice being in his company again and unbelievable how good our banter is. Every communicaton ends on a nice note, and every encounter now is a good one.

 

As for the relationship?

 

Its still the same, he still doesnt know what he wants.

 

Right now its back to Nc, He knows i wont reply until he knows what he wants and that in that time i wont be waiting for him.

 

He wants sex, caring and daily txtin, Sorry hun but if you want the milk you've got to buy the cow and this cow might just start grazing somewhere else if you dont get your finger out.

 

Do you know whats the best part though..... I got my power back, I found myself, i found my respect and i found my value. My Value not his!!!!

 

 

 

Everything they say on here is true, you have to get yourself back so you will be ok whatever happens.

 

I Have, took me 4 months but IM BACK BABY!!!!!!!!!

[EgoJoe]

Well, one thing is obvious. You two were made for each other.

 

I think the relationship between you and he is a big chunk of corroborative data with regard to thinking of GIGS "sufferers" aka egocentric youth.

 

Keep your head up!

[smokey bear]

EGOJOE,

 

Can you dumb that down for me?

 

I think it was something along the lines of we are both text book cases of gigs? possibly in an insulting way lol

 

xx

[EgoJoe]

It was not intended to be insulting at all. Satirical at most.

 

The only textbook for GIGS is in the thread here and ENA and they differ in a few ways. Homebrew's approach of understanding the fact that young people are clueless in the long run about certain things and therefore deserve a little compassion as we all make mistakes is very LS specific.

 

What I allude to is that as soon as he tries you don't appear to be interested and his ego prevents him from speaking the truth and yours does as well. Neither of you feels safe to say:

 

"I am so unsure about life and what I want out of it but I have feelings for you that I have no clue what to do with."

 

Therefore the egocentrism is evident. Believe me, I have alot of respect for you just because you are here and are willing to take a step towards self-awareness and that is a huge leap for anybody. I find it to be an even bigger leap for Females as you can attain all sorts of validation very easily and the truth can get lost in this process.

[nu464]

If love and hate were in battle, love had many weapons of protection and defense as does hate?

 

what love weapon would you use to defeat the hate weapon in the battle? or vice-versa depending on the side you chose to be on! I chose love

[smokey bear]

Ego joe,

 

When i first joined here i was looking for answers and as time goes by, not a lot of posters post their experience especially when its something like mine.

 

I shared mine because i wanted to give info from the dumpers side of it.

 

In my post i come across as arogent, stuck up my own a** etc, but ill take any stick i get for it if it helps even one person on this site. Thats why i shared.

 

I dont know if my ex will come back, but i know ill be ok either way now.

 

You said in your post that we should just say what we are feeling, but its not the case.

 

My ex says that right now he doesnt love anyone, not even himself. There is nothing i can do until he finds out who he is and what he wants.

 

He doesnt care about anyone, family, friends etc. or even about himself.

Doesnt love anyone.

 

He knows this is not the real him, but he hasnt yet figured out how to get it back.

 

I Can't help him with this.

 

He knows i love him, but our problem is he is only just in this last week coming to realisations.

 

His gigs is far from over, but i can see the light. I think we are somewhere around the 5 month mark. He is approx 8 months into his gigs if that is he going through.

 

Its hard, not many people give you advice on what to do when really thats what we are looking for from people who have went through this.

 

So i post my posts in hope that someone can take something from it, even if its just thank god im not the only one going through it.

 

Not many would take an ex back after GIGs, I would because i have experienced it, it has no refletion on the dumpee, its purely the dumper.

 

Its a state of mind.

 

We got together young, 18/19, we get on so well because we grew up together. GIGS was the best thing that ever happened to me, I Grew up. I know now what i want in life. I was lucky he was still there at the end.

 

I hope to be lucky enough to be there at the end of his, but i know no matter what we will remain friends. Not just yet though.

 

I hope i get the fairy tale ending, i really do. But if i dont ill have it with someone else.

 

Ego Joe, any advice you could offer me i would appreciate xx

[EgoJoe]

Ok. Go to wikipedia and plug in Egocentrism, Psychological Defense Mechanisms, Imago and then go to al.turtlecounseling.com to read around.

 

You'll find the information alot more rewarding when you learn it yourself. Also, look at alot of the posts by guys here who were left by girls who seemed to be highly egocentric (in the throws of GIGS) and you might just experience a few personal revelations.

 

Search through this forum and look at Homebrew's advice on what to do when faced with a "GIGS sufferer".

[smokey bear]

ok thank you, i have read al turtles, but in the heat of the moment all the knowledge you read goes out your head.

 

The only conclusions i can come to right now, drawn from my own experience is that he is at the stage where he knows he still wants me in his life.

 

Hence the i dont want to fall out with you's.( this has never been said before) and the daily txting.

 

In my own experience at that point i had just exited my gigs rebound,

 

So from my experience, he still has to try dating others, I had one date after gigs guy, after that is only when for me the full force of my break up from him creeped up and hut me like a bus. After which i realised i still loved him. Regret, big mistake, etc follows xx

 

Its easier being a dumpee, you just wallow in pity and hurt.

 

This is harder, and there are no posts that tell you how to reconcile.

[smokey bear]

Thank you, I have read al turtles stuff but its hard to remember in the heat of the moment.

 

There arent a lot of posts that help with reconciliation or from going nc to lc.

 

or even what to except, do you take it slow, or not do anything until you get commitment.

 

Do you go lc to build up attraction etc, but then they say go nc to make them miss you enough to go full commitment.

 

this stage is just blaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

 

with no guidance xx

 

 

Its easier being a dumpee, you just wallow in pity and hurt.

 

This is harder, and there are no posts that tell you how to reconcile.

[smokey bear]

Thank you, yes this did help

 

Egocentrism is a personality trait which has the characteristic of regarding oneself and one's own opinions or interests as most important or valid. It also generates the inability to fully understand or to cope with other people's opinions and the fact that reality can be different from what they are ready to accept despite any change in their personal belief

 

Eventually a mentally healthy individual evolves out of most of his or her egocentric habits. Adults unable to do so, if forced to face the issue, will often argue of having changed and widen their perception of the world and of having learned from their past mistakes. Unfortunately, despite a new mindset and a confession, they will still practice the habits of regarding oneself and one's own opinions or interests as most important or valid and still are unable to cope properly with different frames of reference, opinions or point of views other than their own.

 

 

He knows that he has to change his ways, but right now is struggling to get his actions to match his thoughts.

 

He is fighting himself. He see's it in his future, the changed him but he's not there yet.

[smokey bear]

Im not looking for coaching lol, just want to check that im on the right track and using this information correctly. Im also posting it here for future reference for others.

 

Psychological Defense Mechanisms

 

He shows many of these signs, he shows no outward emotion at all for a guy that normally has his heart on his sleave. Anger is the only emotion he shows if he does.

 

Am i getting it correct by assuming that he has emotions that are hidden very deep, hidden by him probably because he doesnt want to deal with them.

 

If so, is there any information on how to get these emotions to the surface?

 

xx

[stunned8165]

I'm happy for you. I know it feels good!.. I'm waiting for my power to be handed back to me because it will. Infact, something fishy is going on.. Read all of this.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t305747/

[wilsonx]

Thank you, yes this did help

 

Egocentrism is a personality trait which has the characteristic of regarding oneself and one's own opinions or interests as most important or valid. It also generates the inability to fully understand or to cope with other people's opinions and the fact that reality can be different from what they are ready to accept despite any change in their personal belief

 

Eventually a mentally healthy individual evolves out of most of his or her egocentric habits. Adults unable to do so, if forced to face the issue, will often argue of having changed and widen their perception of the world and of having learned from their past mistakes. Unfortunately, despite a new mindset and a confession, they will still practice the habits of regarding oneself and one's own opinions or interests as most important or valid and still are unable to cope properly with different frames of reference, opinions or point of views other than their own.

 

 

He knows that he has to change his ways, but right now is struggling to get his actions to match his thoughts.

 

He is fighting himself. He see's it in his future, the changed him but he's not there yet.

 

Here's the thing, I spotted it in you as well on your GIGS post. The very first post you did, I spotted this behavior in you. You haven't seen it yet. That's why egojoe posted that satirical comment in an earlier response "You two were made for each other."

 

You are so focused on your wants that you are unable to look at the big picture and see you are just like your ex.

 

If you are able to look outside the box. Most relationships have this one thing in common. "Water seeks its own level" In your case, you and your ex are both extremely insecure. I show you pictures of this until I am blue in the face, but you wont accept it because of this egocentism that you are suffering.

 

"I want a reconciliation" "He got one I want one" Have you ever even thought of the possibility that **** we've broken up how many times now, maybe its not going to work.

 

Maybe I should actually focus on loving myself instead of focusing on a reconciliation.

 

Im just throwing this out there. You want to know why there are no posts on GIGS reconciliations, because they dont exist. Someone grows up and realizes ****, I am better then this, I dont want to go through this over and over and over and over and over again. I want to find somebody thats not childish/immature/selfish and that understands what true love is.

 

Im going to tell you right now, you do not know what true love is! Here's the time to learn, I'll give you a hint, it starts with you. I know you dont love yourself because you posted it already in that GIGS Thread.

 

You fix that core problem, then you will realize that all your other problems will be let go. Its that simple but it takes time and effort and forgiving yourself

 

This is the key to success. Find the door that this key unlocks

Edited November 18, 2011 by wilsonx

[smokey bear]

Thanks Wilson, yes it is in both of us, but the person i was with gigs is not the person i am today.

 

You are right though i need to love myself, and was finally getting there until he broke nc, it has set me back but again im back in nc.

 

You must no yourself that after a certain time all you want is just to feel better, thats where im at, i just don't want to feel like that again.

 

He breaks nc weekly, has done ever since day 1. He doesnt want to commit, but won't let me go, when i start to fade away he panics and starts to pull again.

 

One day i will have had enough, that day the door closes.

 

You know from my posts that i fight myself, because i do want a reconciliation, that i do put myself through hurt.

 

I just wish you's hard ass's would accept that an actually offer your wisdom, knowledge and advice.

 

I listen to all your critism, i take it on board and use it to help myself through this process. I would appreciate it if it was rewarded with advice.

 

Wilson feel free to be as brutally honest as you wish now, i won't take offence. You just thing different from others, intelligence.

 

xx

[smokey bear]

Your post is your advice,

 

stop trying to get reconcilliation, just love myself and be happy

 

I know how to do that, i figured that out last week.

 

Ill go back to that, thank you xx

[EgoJoe]

If a GIGS-esque reconciliation were to happen it would take alot of push and pull and in the end total supplication from the original dumper despite getting dumped by the dumpee again multiple times when trying to "get them back"

 

I only call it GIGS 'cus thats how it first became known to me here etc. but I prefer to call it Egocentrism...the older I get the more I realize how little I know and therefore my perspective is expounded upon.

 

It certaintly is possible in the cases where no deep seeded betrayal happened. For instance, Wilson I doubt I would ever consider giving your Ex a chance no matter how much she changed.

 

That being said, I'm sure we'll see a post from Poorguy again soon. His Exes tend to wig out and then come sniffing around with regard to him alot. Maturity, love, compassion etc. levels have to be HIGH for this type of reconciliation even though it's a "little" bit of a higher odd of happening but still lesser odds of the dumpee accepting because to test sincerity you have to refuse multiple times.

[smokey bear]

Talking of complete submission from the dumper,

 

i read this today

 

There is a saying ‘pride comes before a fall.’ If you feel someone’s ego is ballooning out of control, don’t despair or worry too much. Sooner or later they are sowing their own downfall.

 

I believe GIGs is the balloning of the ego, during my spout of it i thought i was the greatest thing sine sliced bread, my ex things the same about himself right now.

 

When the baloon pops, thats the end of the gigs. Also where the submission comes in.

[wilsonx]

If my ex ever changed or grew up, I would be ****ing surprised. I would go buy a lottery ticket. At the same time, I understand what she did, why she did it, how she is as a person. I understand this now. Sometimes you have to think outside the box and that's something I never realized before.

 

One thing I want to say is that there are people, both men and women, that spend their entire lives jumping relationship to relationship. They look for their happiness in other people. You could be the best boyfriend/girlfriend possible, they look for that extra .5 % better. I have a lot of crazy friends and I know 2 guys and 3 girls in my close circle of friends that do this. They can not not be in a relationship and they are usually the dumpers. Some people will not leave a relationship because of the safety and comfort of another person. These stories of ex's messaging their ex's years later saying "I miss you, I love you" still and confusing the other person is this exact thing. They are safe and comfortable where they are but they may still have strong feelings for another person and they stay with their current significant other just for survival. I have a 2 female friends that are doing this right now.

 

I have a close friend that did come out of grass is greener or relationship jumping. She went to AA meetings for the free counseling and group support for "relationship jumping". She replaced alcohol with relationships and did the entire program that way. I am not doubting that people change, I think some people dont. They have too much pride in themselves or ego (as egojoe has pointed out several times) to think thats there's anything wrong in themselves.

 

There are so many types of different relationship dynamics out there, more then are posted on this board. Everything boils down to your self worth/value of yourself (self esteem) in the end and addressing situations that you are not comfortable with long term when the time arises.

[smokey bear]

I really do hope that if your ex ever comes back that you will consider it.

 

It really is no reflection on you, and the ones that do come back are the ones that have learned and changed.

 

The ones that havent are the ones who jump onto the next relationship.

 

But some people never reach that emotional maturity, its just the way they think, they can't look outside of the box.

 

But by judging you and your intelligence i reckon your ex will be one of the ones who change because of who you are, you wouldnt have chose someone in the first place who wasnt on your level and capible of the change.

 

Its getting lost in life, its a hard lesson to learn.

 

But one well worth learning and i hope that you are the gentleman that gets to reap the benefits of the change.

 

I think one way to gauge if they are going to change or not is based on the GIGs relationship

 

If they change and do the things they they should have done to save your relationship in the GIGS relationship, they will change, they have learned or are learning and will probably come back. Just a theory.

 

The ones who go into the GIGS relationship and carry on the bad behaviour that split the previous relationship will just jump ship again.

 

if you can see the change its a good sign.

[smokey bear]

Homebrew seems to be the hallmark for gigs, his gigs seems to have lasted up 3 years if i gauge that correct from his post, A long time, the longest ive heard infact.

 

Gigs nowadays seems to only last 6months-year

 

Any idea or reflection on this?

 

Surely must be something to do with common day society as homebrew's Gigs account was 14 years ago.