starcrossed Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 Hi, I am new to this forum and dealing with a break up. I looking for some honest advice from anyone has dealt with a similar situation. I met a girl 3 years back and we began dating and decided to get married. At the time we were both students in college and she was on a scholarship to study abroad so at the end of the first 3 months of dating she goes back to her home country of Mexico and I stay in the US. We have kept our relationship strong for the past 2 years by talking and emailing everyday and getting to see each other at least 1 or 2 months out of the year for the past 2 and a half years. We were down to the final stages of the long distance when she decides that we would not be happy together. She says that I am selfish and that because of that we would not be happy. We break up at thanksgiving then we get back together a few weeks later. Right after that she goes on vacation for 5 days, then comes back after Christmas and says it is over and we shouldn’t speak for a while. She says that she loves me but that love has nothing to do with this and that she wouldn’t be happy. She says that she doesn’t want to put in the work it would take. When I ask her why she thinks that says she doesn’t know why. She recently lost her father, two month ago, and I am sure that this something to do with all this even though she doesn’t think so and she really hasn’t been open with me about what she is dealing with. The main reason she gives is that I am selfish, which I can be from time to time, but I always try to think of her first. I have done everything I can to show her that I can change to be a better person for her now that I see some of the things I do that are wrong, but she says it is impossible for me to change those things. I believe her when she says I have been selfish but I know that there has to be more to it, I cant believe I am selfish enough to push her away. I guess I am trying to figure out why she thinks it is not worth the effort and how she can over look all the good things I have done and focus in on a few selfish moments. Can any one here help me pick this apart a little bit and figure out what she is thinking. I realize that I have probably left out many details and will be happy to provided them if there are any follow up questions. Thank you for your time and efforts, Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 The main reason she gives is that I am selfish, which I can be from time to time, but I always try to think of her first. The question of your selfishness seems very important to her. Have you done enough to really understand what "selfish" and "unselfish" mean in her mind? And by the way, SHE is the expert in what is going on in her mind. You and I can only guess. I have done everything I can to show her that I can change to be a better person for her... You CAN change? Great! But HAVE you changed, or is this just something that MAY happen? Your ex sounds pretty smart. She's looking at your actions over your words, and is thinking ahead for the future, as to what her life would be like with someone who acts as you have acted. If only everyone used that kind of disciplined thinking, LS would have a lot fewer problems to deal with. When I ask her why she thinks that [she doesn't want to work on the relationship] she says she doesn’t know why. This sounds like "ex-speak" for "Stop asking me that because if you force me to answer, it will hurt us both even more than we're already hurting." Your only chance...and it is a slight one...is to ask her honestly what it would take to prove to her in ACTIONS that you have become unselfish, and then do it for a minimum period, like six months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starcrossed Posted January 1, 2004 Author Share Posted January 1, 2004 Hello Solemate thank you for your response. I called her today and we talked for about an hour. We both still love and care for each other deeply, but she has decided we will never be happy together. She says there is nothing I can do to show her that I have or will change. I am a guy that has a few rough edges that have been smoothed out greatly over the years, and in all honesty I didn’t see what I was doing. Now that I do of course want to change and will change those things about my self regardless of if her and I get back together, but she doesn’t believe that. Thanks again Solemate, if I would have known about the things you have stated in your reply two months ago I think all of this could have been avoided. Any more words of wisdom? any chance I can show her that we would be happy together? SC Link to post Share on other sites
AnGeLic_gAL Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 hey try asking her clearly wat is the change she wants in u.....then change urself if u say u can... don't delay it to the future...u have to do it rite now....its like now or never...! Then,u can ask her to give u a second chance to work things out...... and show her that u care for her and the only reason u have changed urself is coz u don't wanna lose her....make her feel important n that u care for her! and promise to remain the same for life...... Am not that good in giving advice, but i hope it helps u somewhat.....best of luck!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author starcrossed Posted January 6, 2004 Author Share Posted January 6, 2004 I just got of the phone with her and here is an update: She says that due to all of this she can never see trusting me again. She doesn’t believe anything I say right now, all my promises mean nothing to her. I know it is probably impossible but how can I show her that she can trust me? She is 2000 miles away right now in another country. What can I do to make her have faith again, hope, and give us a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
werty Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 im on the same boat as u are though she aint that far away... if theres a way i could regain her trust/faith after telling me that theres no hope, i would gladly be thankful for it... a week of no contact now... and counting Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 What can I do to make her have faith again, hope, and give us a chance? Well, ask her perhaps: "What would it take for me to prove to you that I am trustworthy?" BTW - take a look at your wording. "What can I do to make her have faith?" You can't MAKE anyone have any feelings at all, especially not faith or trust. The best chance for faith and trust to grow is for you to show again and again how worthy of trust you are. I don't know exactly what she would want to see, so you better ask her. If she won't tell you, just remember all the things she's ever shared with you, analyze her words and actions to guess what it is that encourages faith in her, and try to replicate that behavior. Last try: Is there anyone whom she really does trust, like perhaps her mom or a best friend? Think about how those trusted people interact with her, and see what you can do to be similar. Help me out here man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author starcrossed Posted January 8, 2004 Author Share Posted January 8, 2004 i am really at a loss, i see no way to show her that she can trust me... if we at least lived in the same city i could see a chance. how do i show her something she doesnt even want to see and do it by phone? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 What behavior of yours does she call "selfish"? Do the opposite, and send her letters describing how you've done the opposite. Or maybe just give it up, 'cause you're makiing it way too hard to give you advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 how she can over look all the good things I have done and focus in on a few selfish moments. Did these 'few selfish moments' include cheating????? Some people will NOT overlook that...regardless of how wonderful you have been in other areas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starcrossed Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 No they did not include cheating, basically it comes down to future plans etc.. and her thinking I am not putting her first...she is right about some of that, but not all...but she doesnt see taht of course. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 What behavior of yours does she call "selfish"? Hi, star, got your PM. I'm going to ask you again, right here in the forum...what behavior of your does she call "selfish"? Tell us. In her words. From her perspective. Do not justify, explain or excuse yourself. Then, I can advise you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starcrossed Posted January 13, 2004 Author Share Posted January 13, 2004 Here are a few examples of me being selfish: On my first trip to Mexico to visit her, my mom had forbidden me to go. I was in graduate school at the time and money was tight, but I went anyway against her wishes. Well during the trip my GF ask me if I am going to buy anything for my mom, and I answered “no that I wasn’t, since she had taken this attitude with me about the way I was spending my money”. Another example: This thanksgiving, my grandmother rescheduled our Thanksgiving Day dinner to a different day. It has been on the same day for 30 years and she changes it for her own reason leaving all of the family that live out of town with no chance of going. I decided that I am not going to go see my grandmother over the break because of it. One more: Money has been tight since I started a new job, and I have been saving for my girlfriend to move her in a few months. She thinks I have been wasting my money on things and not saving enough for us. It has gotten to the point that when I talk with her she doesn’t even hear what I say, she just hears what she wants to hear. I sent her a letter saying good bye and that is it..i am trying to move on now…I would still like to work this out , but she says she cant trust me now and thinks I am just saying anything to get her back. So I have said my goodbyes and I am moving on, if she comes back we would both have a lot to work past, I hope it happens but I am not holding my breath for it. Anyone care to Monday morning quarterback this one? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Quarterbacking: the incidents involving a gift for your mom and visiting your grandmother on Thanksgiving don't seem so much selfish, as vindictive towards family members. Your gf may be thinking "If he chooses to 'punish' his mom and grandmother in this way for relatively trivial 'crimes', he may do the same to me." Family closeness, and respect for elders, tends to be very important for Mexicans (and in fact most of the world's population, relative to us individualistic Americans). So your gf may have seen these transgressions as being more meaningful than an Anglo would. About "wasting" your money rather than moving your girlfriend: well, what did you spend money on? Was it rent, food and utilities, or was it an upgraded DVD player and frequent nights out with the guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Author starcrossed Posted January 14, 2004 Author Share Posted January 14, 2004 I went out twice over the 6 month period,both times to a symphony concert( about $150 total) . but she believes that i have been wasting money on other things, I was trying to tell her that this is my first job and i have bills and credit cards from college to pay off. but she seems to only hear what she wants to hear when we talk..she even will bring up old things that happend years ago and tell them in a way i know they didnt happen. what could cause someone to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
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