He dumped me after 6 years of relationship

[purpleberry]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post in this forum. I am having a hard time coping..I thought sharing my story may get some helpful feedback.

 

We met in college and started dating when we were 20. After 3 months into the relationship I moved in with him, although prior to that we were practically inseparable. Things were good and we seldom fought, probably we were still in honeymoon stage. After we graduated from college we moved to another city together for grad school. That was when our first huge fight broke out, I got an opportunity to transfer to a better school but I would be required to move to another city. He freaked out and got really mad. I had never seen him so angry for the first time. I thought of breaking up with him because I valued my graduate career. However, my family and he successfully persuaded me to stay in the same city and continue my study. We did fight over this issue couple times after that, however we managed to move on. Things went back to normal, we lived basically like a married couple.

 

Two years ago, he proposed to me and I happily said yes. Things were great and we couldn’t be happier that we found each other. A year ago he graduated and left for another country for military, we went on a long distance relationship. Things were still good until two months ago, a month before he finished his duty. He was alone at the school where he did his military community service for almost a year, and I religiously tried to talk and skype with him twice a day, making sure he didn't feel lonely. In June, we planned a meeting during Christmas with both sides of our families to discuss our wedding. He was the one suggesting the meeting and excited about it (well I was, of course, ecstatic). In August, a group of young high school graduates (19-21 year olds) arrived at his school to teach English, he seemed to change. There was this girl he seemed to be interested but he assured to me that nothing was going on.

 

A week after he knew her, we fought twice (about money and his negligence in giving me attention) and he texted me to call off the engagement, citing that he was sick and tired of the fightings and he was the biggest supporter of leaving the relationship open because our future was uncertain. I was shocked, and blamed myself for being needy and unreasonable; I called him immediately, apologized and asked for second chance. He said he would think about it, but the next day he still stood firm with his decision that he doesn’t want to be committed in a relationship/marriage. But he wanted us to remain bf/gf relationship. I didn't want to push him so I agreed. Couple days later, he informed his parents about this broken engagement and told me to do so too. Then the next day he broke up with me over skype, he was emotional and telling me that it’s the hardest decision he had to make. He wanted me to be his good friend. I couldn’t believe what happened, I was calm and trying to figure out what exactly happened to him, I agreed to be in an open relationship with him. He also asked me to change his relationship status and delete our photos on his facebook profile. I did it (and I regretted now). He never called afterwards, only sending me emails asking how I was doing. I realized I would end up getting hurt and ignore his emails. When he called, I cried and told him I couldn’t be in an open relationship with him, he coldly said “well, we broke up then. But can we be friends?” I broke down and asked why. “Because I don’t hate you.” I hung up and he sent me an email titled “my final email”. It was business like and formal. I couldn’t figure out what suddenly went so wrong thus I called him two days later to ask him questions. He mentioned that his feelings for me diminished and he felt no love. He only saw me as a friend. I questioned whether he had interest in the young female teacher at his school, he said “hmm..right now no. I don’t know..she is only 19, I am almost done it will be a long distance relationship again.”(We are both 26 now). I was determined that he fell in love with the girl but I was still in love with him and I agreed to be his friend. The next two weeks I didn’t contact him at all, I sold the engagement ring (he didn’t want it), donated all his clothes (he refused to come back to retrieve his belongings) and mailed things he requested to his home. Then one of our mutual friends suggested to me that he may love me too much to let me go, for my career sake. I fell for the possibility and called him again, asking him if that was the reason. He coldly said no and wanted me to move on with my life, he said our personalities don’t match and he wanted to focus on his career. I managed to stay friendly and calm throughout the conversation, laughing off our past issues casually and pretending I was doing great after we broke up (although I had been like a train wreck). That was our last conversation a month ago

Since then I cut off all the contact with him. He sent me an email and text messages two weeks ago to ask how I am doing. I ignored him and changed my phone number. I have never heard from him again. I am in the process of finding closure and moving on. But one part of me still wonders what has gone wrong and why things changed so quickly within such a short time. I am angry at myself for being a nice person until the end and letting him control the whole situation. I lost my self-confidence and motivation. What on earth has gone wrong with this man?

[superchiefs]

Sorry to hear about your broken engagement. As for what happened, I dont think you will ever find an answer that you will be satisfied with. All you can really do is accept that he was not the right man for you and somewhere out there, the right man is waiting for you. Now that you are free, if you havent gone to graduate school yet, now is as good as time as any. Who knows, maybe the man that is right for you is there, waiting for you to meet him. If not, at least you will be pursuing other goals in your life. Just keep on meeting new people and focus on doing things that make yourself happy. I too was in a 5.5 year relationship/engagement that ended to my surprise. However, I must say, I met someone new and I couldnt be happier. Things can really turn out better for you, it just takes a little bit of time.

[purpleberry]

Sorry to hear about your broken engagement. As for what happened, I dont think you will ever find an answer that you will be satisfied with. All you can really do is accept that he was not the right man for you and somewhere out there, the right man is waiting for you. Now that you are free, if you havent gone to graduate school yet, now is as good as time as any. Who knows, maybe the man that is right for you is there, waiting for you to meet him. If not, at least you will be pursuing other goals in your life. Just keep on meeting new people and focus on doing things that make yourself happy. I too was in a 5.5 year relationship/engagement that ended to my surprise. However, I must say, I met someone new and I couldnt be happier. Things can really turn out better for you, it just takes a little bit of time.

 

Thank you for your reply. I am still heart broken but I know I have to finish my graduate school (I have a year left). However I am lost because I do not know what to do after graduation, I always thought I will get married and start a family with him, along with my work. I am determined to move on, but it is harder than I thought..

[Rorschach64]

Purp,

 

I gotcha on this since this just happened to me 5 months ago but the catalyst was another guy which resulted her losing attraction for me thus leading her to seek a imaginary reason to break up with me.

 

Anyway, like super said you probably won't know the 100% truth and either way knowing the truth or not will drive you nuts as it has me just ever so slightly! *Does evil scientist laugh* Cough.

 

In all honesty sounds like GIGs, maybe. In either case you must move on if you think he will come back or not, you must start living your life if he died (very harsh, I know).

 

I feel the pain of losing a whole future that you had so planned out, hell you even lose part of your family, if you even liked his family, friends, and then some more. As far as your future let me give you tips for your future, go to the gym, finish school, move to a nice big city that you want to live in and get that dream job. Simple enough, right?

[purpleberry]

Purp,

 

I gotcha on this since this just happened to me 5 months ago but the catalyst was another guy which resulted her losing attraction for me thus leading her to seek a imaginary reason to break up with me.

 

Anyway, like super said you probably won't know the 100% truth and either way knowing the truth or not will drive you nuts as it has me just ever so slightly! *Does evil scientist laugh* Cough.

 

In all honesty sounds like GIGs, maybe. In either case you must move on if you think he will come back or not, you must start living your life if he died (very harsh, I know).

 

I feel the pain of losing a whole future that you had so planned out, hell you even lose part of your family, if you even liked his family, friends, and then some more. As far as your future let me give you tips for your future, go to the gym, finish school, move to a nice big city that you want to live in and get that dream job. Simple enough, right?

 

Thank you for your reply! I am slowly picking up pieces, I do believe now things get better in time. But my head still analyzes things he did and said..he said he has moved on but still sent me text messages to ask how i was doing (well that was two and a half weeks ago, I have never heard from him since). To me, if a man has moved on, he will leave the girl alone to recuperate and show some respect. I changed my phone number so I do not know if he called, the fact is that I am too afraid getting hurt again by him although deep down I still care about him. I understand that I have to move forward and let go, just that my heart does not seem to understand this..

[Rorschach64]

Yuppers, I suffered the same thing for awhile still do here and there now. Going over the events of the break up, the words, and your own actions plus how you could have done better, it is rather maddening.

 

Yes same boat, I've heard nothing from my ex for 5 months and it stings (Get to see all those lovely breadcrumbs other people get), not even a happy birthday or to check if I am still alive.

 

If I was a dumper I'd go silent just cause to have the person out of my life and I usually don't think about them till later on just in the form of little guilt and missing them a bit.

 

As a dumpee now to bleed my ex out of me, show respect, give her distance, and show her a life without me. Clearly it so far is going well enough for her since I haven't heard anything

 

Your heart may never understand neither will your brain in most cases so that's why it is best to just walk away....it is so hard, urge to break NC of late is becoming bigger and bigger.