Emotionally Abusive Ex Wants To See Me, After 1+ Years of NC

[Blind]

My BF and I broke up in the worst scenarios ever. I've posted here several times about it. He was my first serious BF.

 

We broke up January of last year, horrible breakup. Very emotional and verbally abusive. I always thought he was very manipulative, narcissistic, and shady...but I chose to stay with him for years because I felt a comfort with him and I was naive. I decided to finally leave him after all his cheating and taking me for granted (which in turn, made me crazy too). Because we stayed together, he kept everything I owned and kicked me out. I was homeless.... I literally stayed at a homeless shelter because I had nothing and he locked me out.

 

Even though I broke up with him, I begged him to take me back (due to the emotional stress I had of being homeless and having nothing). It was the darkest period of my life... it felt like forever.

 

I managed to pick things up and have been in the best shape of my life. He hasn't been in contact with me since May of last year, although I've had lapses and I would send him emails. The last one was February when he added me on Facebook by mistake. Ultimately I confused wanting him back from wanting all of my stuff back, which I had an emotional attachment to both. But as time went by I dropped wanting them back, and came to a realization and completely removed him from my system.

 

Now, I am happy and loved by a lot of people. Not ready to date, but optimistic for my future. A couple of weeks ago a few days after my birthday, he texts me wanting to see me. THE NERVE! It was a no-brainer to me and I did not respond. The next day he texts me again and tells me he's changed... but again I did not bother responding.

 

It makes me so angry that he would contact me now. I mean, boy please. But lately I've been wondering if he really has changed. I honestly don't want to give him anymore of my time. I want to be unreachable, he doesn't deserve a single part of me. But then again, I know I am strong enough to handle myself when I do see him.

 

Am I playing with fire? I know he has always been the one wanting change. Not actually doing it, but between the two of us he was more willing to improve. Now I wonder if with the time apart he has actually worked on himself. I just can't get past how we broke up.... I can't go back to someone who did me like that.

[wilsonx]

I did not read the story but Uhh NO?

[betterdeal]

That you're considering re-engaging with him, and are asking here is it a good idea, must tell you something i.e. that your gut feelings are mixed about it at best. In an ideal world where you had put that relationship completely in the past, you'd have received the first text and thought nothing more than, "who is this?" or "oh, it's him" and that would be it.

 

But you haven't done that, which suggests strongly to me that you are not clear about it, him, you. Change your phone number, and forgive then forget him would be my advice.

[geegirl]

Do you really think someone who narcissistic, shady, manipulative and a cheater is likely to change, let alone in a year? Your ex sounds like mine. Besides, what could you possibly benefit from being in contact with him? He diminished you. Don't go back there again. If you do, a year away has not made you any wiser.

[Blind]

That you're considering re-engaging with him, and are asking here is it a good idea, must tell you something i.e. that your gut feelings are mixed about it at best. In an ideal world where you had put that relationship completely in the past, you'd have received the first text and thought nothing more than, "who is this?" or "oh, it's him" and that would be it.

 

But you haven't done that, which suggests strongly to me that you are not clear about it, him, you. Change your phone number, and forgive then forget him would be my advice.

 

That was my first reaction when he texted me (from a new number, he changed his number when the breakup happened.) I couldn't care less and I simply deleted it. But of course being exposed to movies has deluded my mind with hope that maybe people do change. In the end, him leaving me homeless was the nail on the coffin and I will never go back to someone who treated me that way.

[Blind]

Do you really think someone who narcissistic, shady, manipulative and a cheater is likely to change, let alone in a year? Your ex sounds like mine. Besides, what could you possibly benefit from being in contact with him? He diminished you. Don't go back there again. If you do, a year away has not made you any wiser.

 

You are right. I haven't been in contact with him and I haven't responded at all to his texts. I am just having second thoughts ("what if..."), but I do know based on what friends have said that he has changed (demeanor) after our breakup and hasn't gone out or anything and actually went back to school. Not that this will all matter, I know the old patterns will creep in if ever we do get back together.

 

By the way, he is very sexually attractive and great in bed, and he words his texts like he is seducing me.

[Sugarkane]

Do you want to end up homeless again, coz of this guy?

[geegirl]

You are right. I haven't been in contact with him and I haven't responded at all to his texts. I am just having second thoughts ("what if..."), but I do know based on what friends have said that he has changed (demeanor) after our breakup and hasn't gone out or anything and actually went back to school. Not that this will all matter, I know the old patterns will creep in if ever we do get back together.

 

By the way, he is very sexually attractive and great in bed, and he words his texts like he is seducing me.

 

Yes, the "what ifs". I don't think you will ever find security and stability with someone like this, no matter how much they proclaim to have changed. It would be a risk, and knowing what he did to you in the past, it's a gamble that you should not take.

 

A person who has changed would be calling you and being remorseful and begging for forgiveness rather than texting to get back with you. And not sending text messages that are seducing in nature. That should be the last thing on their mind, especially after a year has gone by and they are self-aware. The fact that he has no conscience and just starts the ball rolling with text messages, is shady and lazy. That to me is a red flag. I have a feeling he is bored, he knows your emotional attachment to him and he is fishing to see how far he can go. Trying his luck.

[69ways]

Do you want to end up homeless again, coz of this guy?

 

You dont know that, thats just making conclusions.

I can tell you one thing.

After a break up , the majority and most reasonable people tend to try and sort the points which led to the break up.

At least I am like this.....

I know what I did wrong and will not happen again.

So give the guy a chance.

BTW I thought the majority of users here , want their ex back, she has a chance here, lets not condemn him.

 

But thats just my opinion on the issue....

[Sugarkane]

I would tell this ex to go and cheat on and treat someone else like crap.

[Sugarkane]

You dont know that, thats just making conclusions.

I can tell you one thing.

After a break up , the majority and most reasonable people tend to try and sort the points which led to the break up.

At least I am like this.....

I know what I did wrong and will not happen again.

So give the guy a chance.

BTW I thought the majority of users here , want their ex back, she has a chance here, lets not condemn him.

 

But thats just my opinion on the issue....

I am just saying if this is how the OP was treated once before, it is likely to happen again. Could you really trust that person? I am skeptical because I've had one ex said that they changed, only to find out that they hadn't changed at all.It is difficult to trust someone again after such behaviour. The relationship was toxic.

[69ways]

I am just saying if this is how the OP was treated once before, it is likely to happen again. Could you really trust that person? I am skeptical because I've had one ex said that they changed, only to find out that they hadn't changed at all.It is difficult to trust someone again after such behaviour. The relationship was toxic.

 

Yes but sometimes what we have was the best we could get, thats what I believe , because it might be toxic but no one promises you will find better, you can find worse, I can promise you that.

 

Sometimes is the wrong time and the circumstances are such as, that a relationship that could had been a fairy tale , ends up in smoke.

I like to give people chances but always progress with caution......

[wilsonx]

Yes but sometimes what we have was the best we could get, thats what I believe , because it might be toxic but no one promises you will find better, you can find worse, I can promise you that.

 

Sometimes is the wrong time and the circumstances are such as, that a relationship that could had been a fairy tale , ends up in smoke.

I like to give people chances but always progress with caution......

 

People are toxic... and history repeats itself... without self reflection...

 

what are you saying?

 

Monkeys(toxic people) that swing one tree to another will never change because they never fix the problem that caused a relationship to fail. Themselves. FYI a relationship failing is always 50/50

[coffeeaddict]

Did a search and found some choice quotes from your previous posts. I thought it might help just to put it all side by side.

 

"A disgusting cheater, a coward, and narcissistic a**hole."

 

"and he had no guilt at all for the things he did to me."

 

"used threats to control me"

 

"he kept everything I owned and kicked me out."

 

"I asked to at least give me my things or my money so I can stay somewhere. Instead he followed up with emotionally torturing messages."

 

"I know why he held them in the first place was to have me crawl back. He wanted to see that."

 

"Our past breakups were always him doing the extremes to keep me around, even one time physically holding me down."

 

"He was very strategic because he did leave my clothes at a nearby fast food restaurant for me to pick up later that night (humiliating)."

 

"as soon as my boyfriend opened the door he immediately physically and verbally assaulted me."

 

"My blood is boiling just typing this, I feel the urge to just send him a message and tell him how much of a coward he is."

 

"It was the darkest period of my life..."

 

Now one year later:

 

"Now I wonder if with the time apart he has actually worked on himself. "

 

"he is very sexually attractive and great in bed, and he words his texts like he is seducing me."

 

So that's the "then" and "now." Reading all of that, all I can really think to say is, why would you want this person back into your life? Is it just the sexual appeal? I only say that because you say that maybe he's changing, X Y and Z, but then you made a point of bringing up sexual prowess and everything.

 

This isn't small potatoes here. Stealing your stuff, making you homeless, leaving your clothes at a fastfood place but hiding your valuables, physical abuse. If you went back now just because of some seductive messages or whatever, think about how much pain you'd feel afterwards, think about how much shame. As low as you were before, you'd probably feel even worse. I mean, the only thing more degrading than all that stuff he did to you, is to do it all to you and then "seduce" you again. Do the future "you" a favor and leave this person in the (painful) past, rather than making that painful past a painful future, that's my advice.

[69ways]

People are toxic... and history repeats itself... without self reflection...

 

what are you saying?

 

Monkeys(toxic people) that swing one tree to another will never change because they never fix the problem that caused a relationship to fail. Themselves. FYI a relationship failing is always 50/50

Thats your personal opinion but is wrong to put everyone on the same level.

I know what I did wrong in my relationship and I am not doing it again.

I got friends who broke up for 4 years and got back together and are married.

Is completely wrong to generalise without knowing.....

[geegirl]

Thats your personal opinion but is wrong to put everyone on the same level.

I know what I did wrong in my relationship and I am not doing it again.

I got friends who broke up for 4 years and got back together and are married.

Is completely wrong to generalise without knowing.....

 

I don't think anyone is generalizing 69. It's good to give people chances because there are times that people do want to change for the best. But based on what the OP has gone through with her ex, in terms of physical and emotional abuse re: Coffeeadicts post about what this person did to Blind, it would be detrimental to go back to someone that was so damaging to her. What he's done to her is something you can't just shut an eye to and throw caution to the wind and step in again. Whether she is cautious or not, and without the certainty that he has changed, sometimes when that emotional attachment forms, it would be hard to turn back if it backfired on her. So, best thing to do would be to call it a day and look forward and move on with life.

 

Your friends broke up and got back together again and you are changing for the better but did you do all those things that Blind's ex did to her? Steal, cheat, leave her homeless, abusive physically, emotionally and mentally?

 

As Coffeeaddict stated, these are not small potatoes. Her life is at stake. Going back to someone with issues of such toxic levels would be Blind gambling with her life. It's too much of a risk.

[69ways]

I don't think anyone is generalizing 69. It's good to give people chances because there are times that people do want to change for the best. But based on what the OP has gone through with her ex, in terms of physical and emotional abuse re: Coffeeadicts post about what this person did to Blind, it would be detrimental to go back to someone that was so damaging to her. What he's done to her is something you can't just shut an eye to and throw caution to the wind and step in again. Whether she is cautious or not, and without the certainty that he has changed, sometimes when that emotional attachment forms, it would be hard to turn back if it backfired on her. So, best thing to do would be to call it a day and look forward and move on with life.

 

Your friends broke up and got back together again and you are changing for the better but did you do all those things that Blind's ex did to her? Steal, cheat, leave her homeless, abusive physically, emotionally and mentally?

 

As Coffeeaddict stated, these are not small potatoes. Her life is at stake. Going back to someone with issues of such toxic levels would be Blind gambling with her life. It's too much of a risk.

 

Well if her life is in danger as you say and she is here having second thoughts I dont know what to say.

I dont understand people, most of you see it as black and white.

Is not I am afraid and we actually even if we are giving advices to people , not in the posiiton to do that as we are biased from previous experiences.

 

Thats just my opinion

[geegirl]

Well if her life is in danger as you say and she is here having second thoughts I dont know what to say.

I dont understand people, most of you see it as black and white.

Is not I am afraid and we actually even if we are giving advices to people , not in the posiiton to do that as we are biased from previous experiences.

 

Thats just my opinion

 

Well, when you are talking about a man that was emotionally, verbally and PHYSICALLY abusive, it has nothing to do with being biased, but more so about being wise, realistic and safe. Like Coffee said, these are not small potatoes. At the end of the day, it's the OP's perogative to take that gamble. We're just here to give unemotional and realistic opinions.

[betterdeal]

That was my first reaction when he texted me (from a new number, he changed his number when the breakup happened.) I couldn't care less and I simply deleted it. But of course being exposed to movies has deluded my mind with hope that maybe people do change. In the end, him leaving me homeless was the nail on the coffin and I will never go back to someone who treated me that way.

 

People can and do change, but not all people and it takes years not months.

 

Have you ever seen Shawshank Redemption? Morgan Freeman in the final parole board scene is a good example of change. When you have changed sufficiently to be considered a different person, you don't need to tell anyone what they want to hear, because you have changed and that means you know it. You don't need validation from someone else to be different, you just be different.

 

The really interesting question is, have you changed?

[wilsonx]

Well if her life is in danger as you say and she is here having second thoughts I dont know what to say.

I dont understand people, most of you see it as black and white.

Is not I am afraid and we actually even if we are giving advices to people , not in the posiiton to do that as we are biased from previous experiences.

 

Thats just my opinion

 

This is a naive comment. It is black and white. It is human nature. People are a product of their environment. You go through emotional pain at the end of a relationship so that you realize ****, being hurt for 6 months - 5 years is not worth putting myself through the same thing over and over again.

 

You need to open your eyes. If you read these dumpers threads, I can read what these girls are saying and tell you that they are cheating on their bf' fiances, etc, just by the words they use and how they use them.

Its a pattern and people that dont look at the patterns that walk into these types of relationships over and over again with the rose tinted glasses on are naive and only have themselves to blame. I will straight say you will be one of them with your whole "they can change" personality.

 

People that are emotionally abusive will never change because this is their self defense mechanism instilled in them at a young age to help them survive in the harsh world they grew up in. That's how they are and how they will always be. They can and will mirror good behavior until they just dont feel like doing it anymore.

 

I do not label all people as black and white. Emotionally/Physically Abused/Abusive people I do though. Thats my self defense mechanism. Its not my job to be captain fix/save a hoe. There are plenty of other people out there that claim their own baggage and drop if off elsewhere before jumping into a relationship with someone else.

 

I gave my ex a chance knowing her dating history and her past. I watched her date 3 guys before me. Its a lesson I learned the hard way. If you do not learn those valuable lessons, then you go through life repeating the same cycles over and over.

[betterdeal]

Given that you were abused, wilsonx, does that mean you won't change and women best give you a wide birth?

[wilsonx]

Betterdeal, I knew that was coming.

 

Sometimes I hate you for making me having to keep looking at myself in the mirror.

 

The answer to this question is I am at the point where I realize I allowed/enabled the behavior to happen to me. I accept that and it still hurts. But I constantly look in the mirror everyday to figure out what made me put up with her over and over and over. I settled. Oooops. I am better then that, and that's the key things I walk away with this relationship with. I am better then this and I will not settle for this behavior anymore.

 

As for me, I am leaving my emotional baggage at the airport and TSA can keep it. I will be only be bringing a carry on in the form of strong personal boundaries.

 

If someone has the same personal boundary as me with not taking in someone thats emotionally or physically abused, then that's their choice. 7 billion people on the planet. Odds are pretty good that I don't have to settle

[betterdeal]

So you're not recommending it, per se. Anyway, I don't wish to derail this thread any further.

 

Blind, pay attention to all your feelings. I feel that if someone who previously charmed you then proved to be volatile, unpredictable and plain old nasty starts trying to charm you again, not much as changed. If you turn him down now, I wonder what his reaction will be? Will it be the same old same old?

[norajane]

Did a search and found some choice quotes from your previous posts. I thought it might help just to put it all side by side.

 

"A disgusting cheater, a coward, and narcissistic a**hole."

 

"and he had no guilt at all for the things he did to me."

 

"used threats to control me"

 

"he kept everything I owned and kicked me out."

 

"I asked to at least give me my things or my money so I can stay somewhere. Instead he followed up with emotionally torturing messages."

 

"I know why he held them in the first place was to have me crawl back. He wanted to see that."

 

"Our past breakups were always him doing the extremes to keep me around, even one time physically holding me down."

 

"He was very strategic because he did leave my clothes at a nearby fast food restaurant for me to pick up later that night (humiliating)."

 

"as soon as my boyfriend opened the door he immediately physically and verbally assaulted me."

 

"My blood is boiling just typing this, I feel the urge to just send him a message and tell him how much of a coward he is."

 

"It was the darkest period of my life..."

 

Now one year later:

 

"Now I wonder if with the time apart he has actually worked on himself. "

 

"he is very sexually attractive and great in bed, and he words his texts like he is seducing me."

 

So that's the "then" and "now." Reading all of that, all I can really think to say is, why would you want this person back into your life? Is it just the sexual appeal? I only say that because you say that maybe he's changing, X Y and Z, but then you made a point of bringing up sexual prowess and everything.

 

This isn't small potatoes here. Stealing your stuff, making you homeless, leaving your clothes at a fastfood place but hiding your valuables, physical abuse. If you went back now just because of some seductive messages or whatever, think about how much pain you'd feel afterwards, think about how much shame. As low as you were before, you'd probably feel even worse. I mean, the only thing more degrading than all that stuff he did to you, is to do it all to you and then "seduce" you again. Do the future "you" a favor and leave this person in the (painful) past, rather than making that painful past a painful future, that's my advice.

 

You can throw your own clothes out and make yourself homeless if you've been missing the abuse. No reason to go back to this guy for more of the same.

 

No, he hasn't changed. And, apparently, neither have you. Nor have you learned anything from this experience with him.

 

Expect better, and don't settle for crap unless you want to end up with crap.

[69ways]

You can throw your own clothes out and make yourself homeless if you've been missing the abuse. No reason to go back to this guy for more of the same.

 

No, he hasn't changed. And, apparently, neither have you. Nor have you learned anything from this experience with him.

 

Expect better, and don't settle for crap unless you want to end up with crap.

 

You mentined your ex gf,for me thats biased and no one said you are looking at people as black and white but the situations.every person is different and theres no

Right or wrong.people do change and i am confident backing this up but i make no Naive comments let me assure you.

I see that this is becoming a crussade by a couple of users to enforce their opinions as been correct.

It might be ,it might be not.

No one here will come and apologise so darling look inside you and if you do take a risk with him again.be sure is worth the risk....,,but theres no right or wrong.

I am not bothered anymore with this.

Edited October 31, 2011 by 69ways