Dumped suddenly by GF of 4 years

[Rainingonme]

Hi,

 

Thought I´d share my story here aswell. We are both 33yo, were together for four years and everything seemed to be going well. No big fights, no cheating, similar world views and values = We are compatible. In april 2011 we bought a new apartment and renovated it to be our "dream home". in may 2011 she said she wanted to have a baby with me and start a family. I agreed. In june she went on a holiday with her friend and from what I´ve heard enjoyed the attention she was getting from other men (no cheating most likely). In July she said she freaked out about the baby idea (hers) and that she needed space. I went on a holiday for a week during which she totally cut off my calls and told me to leave her alone. I came back from the holiday a week later and she dumped me saying there is no more spark in our relationship and she is not attracted to me anymore.

 

It might have been that she had a short term romance going on, which may have not worked out as about two weeks after the breakup we met again (lived together) and she was basically giving me mixed signals all the time. Reasons for the breakup were not really serious reasons, like "you want me to suffer" and "I think you hate me", more like self guilt driven. Also some ridiculous "You didnt brush your hair in the mornings", which seemed to be herself validating the dumping to herself.

 

At one point she told me she regrets the dump and wants to press restart. When I jumped to that opportunity she backed away again. This went on for about 2 more weeks after which I told her to choose what she wants. She answered that she does not know, but she knows she has to move out.

 

I helped her with some financial issues and to get the apartment. She has now lived by herself for a month and I´ve maintained LC. Last week she told me again that "lets see where life will take us". I asked her directly what does she mean and that I would like to know if she didn´t really see a future for us. She answered that she does not know what she wants and is still confused (confused has been THE word pretty much since she dumped me). Also she says that I should live my life and not worry about what she might think in the future.

 

LC instead of NC on my part has been because she suffers from serious depression and her world pretty much collapsed after the breakup = financially and emotionally. I know she is taking the breakup really hard.

 

We have a very good connection going on with her and we discuss things more than we did during the last year of our relationship so there is no anger from either side and communication flows freely. She answers my phonecalls and messages and I do the same for hers.

 

I told her yesterday that I will start distancing myself from her and that she can call me a) if she really feels like it or b) if she thinks we should give it another go.

 

First of all, should I go to full NC and another thing, how can a 33 yo woman tell you she wants children and two months later dump you claiming there is no spark ? Any ideas? G.I.G.S.?

 

I´m really frustrated with the situation... I want her back because I really think we had something special going on. I dont know should I try to reattract her by taking her out on dates or should I just let go and do NC.

[Zabs]

Hmm...Was this holiday with a friend the first? It seems it has given her some kind of reality check. Perhaps she had a good time and started pondering on the limitations a baby would present?

 

She does seem to have been struck by something but I am not feeling it has anything to do with another man.

 

NC would probably be the best option. This way it stops you being held to ransom by her indecisiveness, gives you a chance to focus on other things that are also important to you and an opportunity to set boundaries of acceptability.

 

Given time, she will have time to consider what is 'best' in her life and whether the future will feature you in it. Waiting around for her to make a choice, belittles who we are, scream "I have no self-esteem" and leaves us us wide open to being manipulated by those who wish to be in control for them to have as at their beck and call with flagrant abandon...now...YOU...Make a choice.

 

Muchlove,

 

Zabs xx

[Rainingonme]

Yeah, first we talked about the baby on her initiative and then came her holiday. I guess she just looked at the world again and thought that maybe there is something more to life than me. I think she got attention so she decided that she´s still on the "market" so to speak. The old good/safe relationship was no longer exciting enough and she decided to end it.

 

I just dont understand how can you go from starting a family into a total collapse of a relationship in three months?!? Its shocking.

 

This was her first long term relationship, so maybe she didnt know that the spark doesnt stay without work. She said yesterday to me at some point that "life is too short"... which I think means that she wants to experience more things before settling down.

 

It´s really hard because I was totally blindsided by the dump... it´s like the idea of a family triggered GIGS in her.. if you want to put these things into categories.

 

Well, after the initial pleading and begging (which I unfortunately did) I have been 90% able not to go emotional when discussing with her during LC. The good thing is that she can not say one bad thing about me how I acted during the breakup. She tried so hard to find a reason to hate me or to make me mad at her but I did not give in to that. I supported her then and I have supported her until now, emotionally and financially, to get her own individual life started.

 

I know I maybe should have cut contact earlier, but I just couldnt have lived with myself knowing I didnt do my best for her in setting her "free".

 

I think your advice is solid. I will go NC and give her the space and time she needs to figure out her thoughts. Meanwhile I´ll try to stop thinking of second chances and concentrate on healing myself.

 

I know she will contact me on some issues related to an apartment we own together. When it happens, I will be friendly but keep my answers short and to the point. This should be ok I think...?

 

If she wants me to be a part of her life, then she knows where to find me... nothing I can do at the moment about but to let her live her life and figure out whats best for her. Damn it hurts.

 

Any other ideas or similar experiences?

[Zabs]

Er...my experiences are uncommentable apparently as no one on the site did! But saying that, I am glad because just doing what I am doing now is affirmation enough that my own perceptions about my situation are spot on so...

 

Er...in terms of limited contact re apartment, short and sweet. Try not to get into discussions about anything alse...otherwise you will be the proverbial rabbit at the metaphorical carrot! tee hee!

 

Blessings

 

Zabs xx

[TheDovic]

It's always FOUR years when they freak out! Seriously, how many times do you see this same story on here!?

 

Personally dude I wouldn't contact her at all, and if she contacts you keep it brief and don't give too much away. Don't be too available either, let her know you've a valuable life without her (even if you have to lie).

[Rainingonme]

Thedovic, thanks. Day 2 of NC. Lets see how it goes. Next week will be easy. Lots of gym, running, and work to keep me busy.

 

I´ve been the stronger one of us always. Pushing her forward and keeping her standing in her moments of need. I think that may be one of the reasons I´m having trouble letting go... I´m so used to being there for her and that I cant be there for her, there is a hole in my world.

 

Sounds crazy, but I think at the end of the relationship I experienced happiness through her happiness. I think I lost myself and also what it means to be happy by yourself. Maybe loving someone too much can be a bad thing in itself... go figure.

 

Also a realization hit me today. When I dumped my ex ex girlfriend of 7 years... It was so easy for me... and if my ex is feeling the same way about me... there is nothing on this earth that I could say or do to make her come back to me. She has to realize it by herself and NC is the only way to let her see what life without the emotional connection we had is like.

 

I´ll be a better man after I get through this and my next girlfriend will thank my EX for it

[Rainingonme]

Day 4 of NC and I feel actually great. Every time she pops up into my mind (often still) I repeat to myself "She is no longer part of your life". Starting also to have hateful thoughts towards her at random times... dont like it, but I guess it´s part of the healing process.

 

Been hitting the gym twice a day and will start training thaiboxing tomorrow after a break of 5 years.

 

A question about facebook, I have not blocked her, but I´ve blocked her from my newsfeed so I wont see her updates / pictures (Cant take it yet) I´m keeping my status updates few and far between, mostly upbeat and happy. In the case of NC, should you generally block facebook 100% or do you think it matters that she sees I´m moving on with my life / working out / etc ?

[Mack05]

I don't think it's 'GIGS'. I think people in their early 20's that want to leave their partner, after a long term 'high school first love' romance are far more likely to suffer from 'GIGS'. She is 33. She should be starting to think about having kids, getting married etc etc. I think she has met someone else and is confused about what she wants to do. You don't spend 4 years with someone, buy an appartment, talk about kids and then suddenly go cold. Something happened on that holiday. You need to figure out what it was.

[LoveNoob]

Day 4 of NC and I feel actually great. Every time she pops up into my mind (often still) I repeat to myself "She is no longer part of your life". Starting also to have hateful thoughts towards her at random times... dont like it, but I guess it´s part of the healing process.

 

Been hitting the gym twice a day and will start training thaiboxing tomorrow after a break of 5 years.

 

A question about facebook, I have not blocked her, but I´ve blocked her from my newsfeed so I wont see her updates / pictures (Cant take it yet) I´m keeping my status updates few and far between, mostly upbeat and happy. In the case of NC, should you generally block facebook 100% or do you think it matters that she sees I´m moving on with my life / working out / etc ?

 

It's fine that she sees you are moving on, but only if you prevent yourself from getting false hope that it might cause her to come back to you or anything. You mentioned to her that she can let you know if she changes her mind? If so, then i'd say keep blocking her updates, but no need to remove her from FB completely. And try not to think about if you might be affecting her from now on, after all, your focus should be to move on and forget her.

 

Did you say her reasons for dumping you were self-guilt related? In that case i'd like to hear more if possible because i was dumped for the same reason 3 months ago. It is indeed suspicious that it happened after her holiday. It might actually be guilt about something that happened on the holiday, i couldnt quite make out who told you about the attention she got from men, was it herself or friends/family who where there?

 

In any case, if she lost the spark or got bored with the relationship then moving on and becoming the best person you can be for yourself, and her seeing that on facebook, is the only thing you can do for yourself. Just whatever you do, do not expect her to come back, even if every fibre of your being wants her to. That way, you cannot become dissapointed by her again.

 

Today i am on the 3rd day of NC. Sadly unlike you i was not strong enough to go NC after a short period of trying to get her back, but hung around too long and watched her slowly no longer need me and jump into a rebound relationship last week and doing things i think she will regret sooner or later. So i commend you for your strength! I wish i had that.

Edited October 11, 2011 by LoveNoob

[Rainingonme]

Thanks for the advice on facebook. Im still doing things and thinking how she would react to those. Crazy

 

What bothers me the most is the talk about children, the sudden collapse of the relationship, followed by a month of yes/no/maybe/i´m confused crap which actually is still going on (last tuesday). She has told me to move on and not to think "what she might think of us in the future". Totally crazy how women can be like this. This is why the breakup has been so difficult for me.

 

About the guilt being part of this is that if she had a romance with someone (regardless of it being over now), she would probably feel too guilty about it to be able to continue our relationship. I think this is maybe where the confusion is coming from. Or she has no spark and is looking at me as more of a friend instead of a lover and is confused about that (the classic I love you but I´m not in love with you).

 

It´s all speculation and maybe I´ll never know the truth. Therefore I decided today that it doesnt matter what happened on the holiday / this summer. It doesnt matter what I´ve told her after and during the breakup (pleading, begging, loving). The fact is she decided to throw us in the trash, she is gone and dating other people already. She knows how I felt about her and us and if it is of any value to her, she will be back (no hopes for that though).

 

Regardless. NC is the way to go. I know she is suffering with her work / personal / financial/ depression issues /, but I feel so much better today than two days ago. Hate to leave her hanging... I guess I still love her, but I love myself more.

[LoveNoob]

Thanks for the advice on facebook. Im still doing things and thinking how she would react to those. Crazy

 

What bothers me the most is the talk about children, the sudden collapse of the relationship, followed by a month of yes/no/maybe/i´m confused crap which actually is still going on (last tuesday). She has told me to move on and not to think "what she might think of us in the future". Totally crazy how women can be like this. This is why the breakup has been so difficult for me.

 

About the guilt being part of this is that if she had a romance with someone (regardless of it being over now), she would probably feel too guilty about it to be able to continue our relationship. I think this is maybe where the confusion is coming from. Or she has no spark and is looking at me as more of a friend instead of a lover and is confused about that (the classic I love you but I´m not in love with you).

 

It´s all speculation and maybe I´ll never know the truth. Therefore I decided today that it doesnt matter what happened on the holiday / this summer. It doesnt matter what I´ve told her after and during the breakup (pleading, begging, loving). The fact is she decided to throw us in the trash, she is gone and dating other people already. She knows how I felt about her and us and if it is of any value to her, she will be back (no hopes for that though).

 

Regardless. NC is the way to go. I know she is suffering with her work / personal / financial/ depression issues /, but I feel so much better today than two days ago. Hate to leave her hanging... I guess I still love her, but I love myself more.

 

You are definately more resillient than me.

 

It sucks that you might never know the truth, and yeah the best thing to do is tell yourself there is no hope, dont expect her to be back. In both our cases the ex's have decided to suddenly throw a 3-4 year relationship in the trash over guilt, self-doubt or perhaps loss of feelings.

 

Good luck and keep us updated on your NC and if you hear anything from your ex. I'm going to do the same in my own thread.

[Rainingonme]

Day 6 of NC and I feel fine. Went shopping today for new clothes and it feels good to be alive. I know these good moments will come and go, but I´m definately on the way to getting over her. Anybody who is dumped and thinking of going NC, stop thinking. Do it!

 

I´ve noticed myself now that every time I am in contact with her the healing starts from zero again. No contact is the best way and I cant believe what a difference already 6 days makes.

 

Also, the hateful thoughts towards her I mentioned before (NC day 4) are returning more often. I get so angry at her for putting me through this and acting the way she did. Actually, I was about to break no contact today just to tell her that. Good thing I know that it would just hurt me more than her.

 

Anyway NC is the way. Heal yourself and if your and your ex´s paths cross in the future you will again be the stronger individual and in control of the meeting or future relationship.

 

I´ll keep you posted how it goes...

[Rainingonme]

NC for a full week yesterday and then I get a message from her asking for a friends phonenumber. I think she genuinely just wanted the number. Told her I dont have it and that he should ask someone else.

 

Every day that passes makes me realize more and more that she is gone and never coming back. On the other hand, I´m not sure if I´d even take her back anymore. Makes me even question if she ever really loved me anyway...

[LoveNoob]

NC for a full week yesterday and then I get a message from her asking for a friends phonenumber. I think she genuinely just wanted the number. Told her I dont have it and that he should ask someone else.

 

Every day that passes makes me realize more and more that she is gone and never coming back. On the other hand, I´m not sure if I´d even take her back anymore. Makes me even question if she ever really loved me anyway...

 

I'm a few days behind you now, though NC was broken by me last friday for a more proper closure talk rather than her being drunk and me upset/hurt. Details are in my own NC report post.

 

Like you, i wonder if i'd take her back in the future if she changes her mind. As the days go on, more "criteria" are added to the list of conditions before i'd feel comfortable taking her back, or even want her as a friend.

 

So like you, the resentful feelings are increasing, but they might help us get over her. As long as you dont keep hate in your heart forever and close yourself up for possible new love with someone who deserves yours, ours.

 

And i also had those thoughts/doubts on how much i meant to her.

 

Good luck, keep going, you're slowly getting there!

 

EDIT: One realisation that helped me is the fact that she has changed a lot from the person she was 3 years ago, and that the person i fell in love with slowly died somewhere along the past 1,5 year. I will always be sad i am no longer with THAT person.

Edited October 16, 2011 by LoveNoob

[Rainingonme]

NC of 10 days behind... well, I´m calculating days that I have not initiated contact so I´m not going HC NC. Got a very formal email from her today asking if I had received any of her mail. I answered her politely no and asked her "how is life?".

 

Got the answer: "Life is interesting:). Hope all is good for you. Well, of course it is :)"

 

Which ofcourse means nothing. Most likely "interesting" refers to her meeting new guys. The rest I believe is genuine so as you can see, we are on warm terms with no animosity (Good thing I guess). I will answer her later just that "life is good" (which is the truth)

 

What is interesting in regards to the push/pull dynamic is that every time I´ve sent her a "cold" yet polite email I get a warm answer. The minute I send something "warm", she goes totally cold. Take note: No matter how much any of you wish to tell the dumper how much you love them or ask for a second chance = this does not help one bit, it only puts their defences up!

 

I will continue NC now and lets see how life goes. I´ve been concentrating on work, gym and thaiboxing. And I´ve also started dating a really nice girl. Also started practicing photography, something to keep me occupied.

 

Oh and I´ve learned to drink whiskey, something I never fancied before

[Rainingonme]

Very LC until yesterday. We´ve been exchanging photographs via email and keeping it "friendly".

 

Thought I´d post an update on how things have turned out. She has apparently met someone from abroad and told me yesterday that she will move away from where we live as soon as possible.

 

So since I´ve been meeting some interesting people aswell and and I´m kinda heading towards a new relationship I told her that I still love her and asked if we would have a second chance at some point. She told me her confusion is over and that she has no feelings left for me. There will be no second chance according to her.

 

I took it badly, but today in the morning I sent her an email:

 

"After sleeping on it, I wanted to tell you I accept your decision and

I will respect it from now on. I also understand and accept that you

dont want me to be a part of your life anymore. I´m totally fine with

it. After yesterday´s conversation, at least I am now free to pursue

my new relationships with an open heart while knowing I gave my best

trying to make us work."

 

Her answer:

 

"Thanks xxxx. Wish you all the best in life!"

 

 

CONCLUSION:

 

It´s over. For good. Time to disappear from her life 100% as if she never existed.

[wilsonx]

One of the biggest things I wanted to comment on your thread that I noticed earlier and thats GIGSy is that theres always something in common with all these types of breakups. The saying is the grass is greener on the other side. "I love you but I am not in love with you any more." or "I am not attracted to you anymore" This came from your quote of

 

In june she went on a holiday with her friend and from what I´ve heard enjoyed the attention she was getting from other men (no cheating most likely). In July she said she freaked out about the baby idea (hers) and that she needed space. I went on a holiday for a week during which she totally cut off my calls and told me to leave her alone. I came back from the holiday a week later and she dumped me saying there is no more spark in our relationship and she is not attracted to me anymore.

This right here means that theres someone else. This is all in one tell all sign. I need space, I am not attracted to you anymore. Shes not attracted to you anymore because shes attracted to someone else. This isn't your fault and theres absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent it. Dont feel guilty or go through the guilt phase of what ifs it was inevitable.

 

NC is the only way to move forward and you are right, you need to realize that she no longer exists.

 

Sorry you are going through this type of breakup, you are not alone. Feel free to read the Grass is greener on the other side post in my signature

Edited November 2, 2011 by wilsonx

[Rainingonme]

Thanks Wilsonx,

 

Well, atleast I feel like I´m off the hook now. No more analyzing what an email meant or how to communicate with her (because of the apartment).

I was stupid to show her my cards again (saying I still love her), but I´m not the kind of guy who plays games.

 

And you are right, I was totally blindsided by the dumping and I was given no chance to correct things afterwards. I consider myself a catch and so do my friend (guys & girls) so the basic things are there for attraction. I also did everything for the relationship and for her. It just wasnt enough. Nothing I could have done to prevent this. Unfortunately.

 

I´ve gone through the guilt phase already... thinking crazy thoughts from "I wasnt good enough in bed, I didnt listen to her, I didnt show my love enough... I mean everything!". I also thought that what if I had proposed to her before this summer as I was thinking of doing... would it have helped... Imagine that. Crazy thoughts.

 

What I realized, is that for four years all was good and then suddenly -> Loss of attraction -> Breakup. So apparently I did something correct for a long time.

 

I also acted during the breakup as I felt and I helped her financially to move on. Many could say this was wrong and that I should have played games to win her back. I´m sorry, but if I had played and ended up in this situation I would regret it more. Now atleast I´ve been true to myself and my feelings. = No more guilt

 

I´ve read the G.I.G.S. threads through. Describes my ex, but I´m shocked that this can hit a woman at the age of 33... only 3 months after talking about getting a baby. It is just shocking!

 

I´ll post more of my thoughts about the whole breakup later and hope people will find some advice in them on how to deal with these kind of things. Atleast I know now what not to do when a breakup occurs. I guess these are things you just have to learn the hard way.

[wilsonx]

Homebrew had a good start on GIGS but I think he labeled it based on his experience of dating young 20 year olds. He also stated it can happen to people of any age.

 

It happens in all age ranges to be honest.

 

You did everything right, you didn't play games, you told her you loved her (there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.. shows you are human), you helped her move, you are a good person. Just keep that mentality and dont let this one scar you

[Rainingonme]

Hi all, just wanted to come bump this thread. Now, after 1,5 years of being broken up with my girlfriend I feel so good. I now see what a mess I was and feel even a bit ashamed of how I acted. The point I want to make to everybody in the middle of a breakup;

 

You will get over the breakup and you will feel super one day. For me it took a bit over one year. Im just so happy now. She never came back and I'm happy for it.

 

Thanks to the Loveshack community. Be strong and love yourself!