TheDovic Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 OK, so a lot of you know me and my situation very well, but I'm a bit confused. My ex has tried to remain in contact with me for the entire 10 weeks of our seperation (even though she dumped me), and in this time I have had two periods of nc lasting 2 weeks each time before she showed up at my house on both occasions. In the past two weeks she has been constantly trying to visit me and saying she wants to be friends. I have not begged or pleaded with her at any stage, plus she initiates ALL contact. I give away very little about my life and rarely ask about hers. She called a few nights ago with a bad excuse to come to the house and ended up hugging me and crying the entire time she was there. So to my question, have you ever dumped someone and REALLY just wanted to be their friend? (Don't worry guys who know me - I'm not going to do anything silly and I know if she comes back it has to be on my terms i.e. she gets help for her issues - I'm just curious about her behaviour because I've yet to come across a story like mine on here) Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 (edited) OK, so a lot of you know me and my situation very well, but I'm a bit confused. My ex has tried to remain in contact with me for the entire 10 weeks of our seperation (even though she dumped me), and in this time I have had two periods of nc lasting 2 weeks each time before she showed up at my house on both occasions. In the past two weeks she has been constantly trying to visit me and saying she wants to be friends. I have not begged or pleaded with her at any stage, plus she initiates ALL contact. I give away very little about my life and rarely ask about hers. She called a few nights ago with a bad excuse to come to the house and ended up hugging me and crying the entire time she was there. So to my question, have you ever dumped someone and REALLY just wanted to be their friend? (Don't worry guys who know me - I'm not going to do anything silly and I know if she comes back it has to be on my terms i.e. she gets help for her issues - I'm just curious about her behaviour because I've yet to come across a story like mine on here) Dude you know the answer to this question already, She wants you as a fallback. She is going through a tough time and wants to lean on you for support, without actually being in a relationship until she figures things out. She is very confused right now. Which leaves you in limbo, wasting your time and she getting everything she wants. The only way she will figure all this out is if you are 110% OUT of her life. I wish you could see this Dovic and I wish you could have the strength to say, 'No More'. In some cases I am sure some ex's want to be friends. The dumper may be very find of the dumpee but not in Love. I had the same problem after a previous relationship. We were friends for 6 years before getting together. We spent just over a year as a couple, but I could never fully make the transition from friend to boyfriend. When I broke up with her, I asked her if we could stay friends (as we were great friends before this). She said 'No' because she loved me. 3 years later we still are not friends and never talk. Had she said yes to friendship I would have found it easy. I didn't love her that way so I could have gone back to the way things were. She never could. I respected her decision and I hope she is happy. She is a great girl. Edited October 3, 2011 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 My ex has acted similar in regards to making contact, albeit mostly over the phone/Facebook, not in person. It's clear she wants to know I'm still her friend and so in order to stop (or at least slow down) the contact I told her that I was her friend and that one day we would be close friends again, once I've got these emotions out of me. It's not true - I will for a long time feel this way about her and I know NC is the only way to heal, so I told her that knowing she would step back. I can't imagine being that close with her again as I will remember how things were, and besides, she's changed so much I'd rather remember who she was, not who she's become. As Mack says, your ex is leaving you in limbo and all this contact is preventing you from healing. It did me, even though I never wanted to admit it at first. She is getting what she wants whilst you are getting hurt. Do the right thing and tell her straight otherwise this will continue for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
TheStylist Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Hi Dovic, I don't really know your entire story why you were dumped. Is it because of someone else? I'm not sure if you're familiar with my story as well. I dumped my ex because I tried my best to work things out and I felt like he hadn't done anything about it. I didn't dump him because I love him less or I lose attraction but because we weren't on the same page anymore. After 9days of NC, I decided to call him and be friends with him mainly because I can't see the point why I had to give up the friendship as well. I don't have anyone right now nor plan on going out and date. And it's never my intention to string him along nor make him a back up plan. I just realize that why grudge? Maybe as lover, it would be hard for us to work out. We only have one chance to live, so why not live it to the fullest without any hatred and losing great people in your lives? We've been good friends since I called and it's easier. No pressure, no frustration, no expectation yet the friendship is getting great. I don't know, maybe because we hadn't really hurt each other that much to conclude that we must forget each other's existence. The only key is don't expect anything anymore. Treat her as your good friend. Just avoid discussing about your relationship. I'm not sure if its gonna work on you though since both of you are still emotional. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 If this is a survey; Put me in the, 'not so much' category with ex wife. However me and an ex gf have remained good friends fore many years. I think the differences here is, the ex gf is a great person while the ex wife is... the mother of my children so I have to remain civil. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Good_Me Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Even though I never married, I was with my ex for 10 years and she was my fiance for roughly 6 months. It was more like a marriage just without the bit of paper & special day to make it official. I don't know if that has any affect on things but I am going to have to say "no" to friendship. At this stage I still have feelings for her and I know she has none for me. If I were to be her friend I would see her with other men and it would crucify me inside. Even when I reach indifference I do not wish to be friends with her as I don't think indifference necesserily means that you're immune to getting feelings for them again. I don't want to heal and then set myself back again. For me, it has to be partner or nothing at all and she has to initiate it which I don't believe will happen. Trying to move on but it's bloody hard work! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I'd like to weigh in here.......NO! If I only ever wanted to be friends with the girls I was attracted to, I would have ONLY been friends with them and not made any moves to be more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Paper Roses Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I have 3 ex boyfriends that I remained very good friends with and more than a few guys I dated became friends. So, yes, there have been guys that I only wanted for friends but I never actively pursued a friendship with any of them. I mostly stayed in touch through mutual friends. She's using you as a back up plan. Playing games, maybe she wants you to chase her for her sad little ego. She sounds like a flake. Link to post Share on other sites
PositiveNegative Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Well, my recent ex I will probably always be attracted to. So the friends card was burned as soon as hit the table. As for my first ex, there is absolutely nothing there anymore and I am making efforts to become friends with her as a lot of time has passed and we have had relationships since. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I have, yes. But not immediately. Never immediately. Healing has to take place first and that can only happen with space and distance and time... After a suitable amount, I have found that I have been able to reconnect with Ex's and maintain friendships with almost all of them (only one exception). Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 well i've never really dumped anyone. but i did want to be friends with the guy who ditched me because we had started out as friends. but i admit that i had hoped that if we stayed friends that would be a "foot in the door" to him changing his mind and giving me a chance. but when i realized that remaining friends was causing me more pain than anything else, i severed all ties. the friendship wasn't worth it and so much had happened that i don't think things between us will ever be the same. it threw things into a completely different context. i couldn't even suggest meeting up for a cup of coffee without him thinking it meant "wanna hook up?" Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 Friendship is about intention. Your ex's intentions are not friendly right now. She wants something to change in your relationship or she just doesn't want anyone else to have you. There is no way the two of you will just be friends right now. I am friends with some exes but mainly after time had passed, long over. And to be honest, they are "lazy" friendships like Facebook. I'd never call them if I needed advice or something. The one I actually make an effort with, we had a very mature breakup and everything was on the table about where we've been and why we can't remain a couple. I respected that and we have a good friendship. My intention was always "friendly" because I think he is a good person and I can go to him about friendship type topics without "wishing things could have been different." So I would say depending on how serious, emotional, and dramatic your relationship was will affect what kind of friendship you can have, if you can. And always, after some time and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I've never really dumped any one either but I often wonder in time if my now ex g/f will try to be friends at a later time. We were friends 15 years ago then hooked up again. At this time I would not want to be friends,, still to much pain. Also since I was her rebound guy and was used I doubt she will ever attempt to reach out. Maybe because of guilt for dumping me for her ex???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Dude you know the answer to this question already, She wants you as a fallback. She is going through a tough time and wants to lean on you for support, without actually being in a relationship until she figures things out. She is very confused right now. Which leaves you in limbo, wasting your time and she getting everything she wants. The only way she will figure all this out is if you are 110% OUT of her life. I wish you could see this Dovic and I wish you could have the strength to say, 'No More'. In some cases I am sure some ex's want to be friends. The dumper may be very find of the dumpee but not in Love. I had the same problem after a previous relationship. We were friends for 6 years before getting together. We spent just over a year as a couple, but I could never fully make the transition from friend to boyfriend. When I broke up with her, I asked her if we could stay friends (as we were great friends before this). She said 'No' because she loved me. 3 years later we still are not friends and never talk. Had she said yes to friendship I would have found it easy. I didn't love her that way so I could have gone back to the way things were. She never could. I respected her decision and I hope she is happy. She is a great girl. I know Mack. I'm really starting to struggle though because life is starting to get back to normal and I'm having to come out of my bubble where I can plot and scheme to get her back. I'm actually starting to believe for the first time that she isn't coming back and for the first time am starting to feel used. I'm so sick of her and her bull**** and I want to tell her to **** off but my mood is changing dramatically from extreme hope to extreme despair several times per day. It hasn't been like this before, maybe I'm finally coming to the acceptance stage of grief, which I believe is accompanied with it's own depression! Alternatively over the past few days I have given a bit of power up to her and text her. I'm really ashamed of myself for doing this because I was so strong and felt so much better when I was the one calling the shots!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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