New to the forum. She needs "time" and "space"

[ASensitiveGuy]

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum but I thought I would share my situation because I've learned that if I've got a problem, chances are others have had similar problems and can relate. I think for me knowing there are others out there who are experincing (or have experienced) what I am experiencing helps out. Let me give you a little information on me. I am 36 years old, never been married, but had lots of girlfriends over my life. I've been through many break ups, been cheated on, used, you name it. Maybe later on I can share some of those situations so you can see how I handled it and maybe it will help you out. But for now, here is my current situation.

 

I met Sherry (not her real name, but that doesn't matter) two years ago at my sister's wedding. (We were paired up together in the wedding party). I also need to point out she lives 6 hours away too. We became friends and we found ourselves liking each other. There was a problem....at the time we met she was in the process of going through a divorce, and also has 3 kids from her marriage (ages 16, 13, and 9). To make a long story short, she was married to a man who was very abusive and controlling. Her divorce actually became final in February 2010, two months after my sister's wedding. In May 2010 I made a trip over there to see my parents and sister. Well my sister decided to invite Sherry to go out with us as a surprise, and I was happy to see her. My sister could tell we liked each other a lot, but she told both of us she thought it would be best if we waited to "date", just be friends for a while. Did we listen? No.

 

We became a couple in July 2010 and it was wonderful. Despite the distance, we found time for each other. I went there, she came here, and we alternated. We even met in a town halfway and spent weekends together. I was so happy and she told me I made her the happiest she had ever been. This past July I went there for vacation and we got to see each other. Toward the end of my vacation, she started acting "distant" and I couldn't quite figure out what was going on. She lives about 45 minutes away from my parents' house, so she would drive up to see me.

 

Well for the last couple of months she has been "distant", but we would still talk on Skype, Facebook, and would send the occasional text, but not as much as we did before. I decided to just back away and let her come to me, which she did, but she still wasn't acting right. So, this past weekend I decided to go surprise my mom for her birthday and Sherry knew I was going to be there. I sent her a short email on Friday and just simply said I would like for us to see each other and chat while I am there. Well, she came over Saturday night. Now here is where I am confused (and maybe some of you can add some insight here).

 

First of all, I wasn't there when she got there. I had to run an errend, but she came on over and talked to my mom (she loves my mom). My mom said she came in and started crying saying "I'm so overwhelmed!" (I found this out later, of course). When I got there (about 15 mins later), her and I went into the living room to talk. We sat down and I just asked her what was going on and why was she so distant. She told me that she had a whole lot going on right now, the kids, she recently lost her job, and just a lot of other things. She said "I want a relationsip with you, but right now I just have a lot going on and I don't feel like I can give it my full attention and that isn't fair to you." And we talked about that. I told her that I want a relationship with her too, but I understood where she is coming from because she does have a lot on her plate. I told her I accepted that, and we talked more. She said "I love you with all my heart and you mean so much to me, that is why this is so hard." She basically said she needs "time" right now to get her life together before she can really have a relationship, and she even said "I want to get everything straightened out so I can give you the the type of relationship you deserve." I sat and held her while she cried, and it was emotional for me too. She said "Please understand it's not that I don't want to be with you, it's just I can't right now with everything going on." So we talked a little and we agreed that maybe we did jump into it a little too fast after her divorce. I did thank her for the time we have had and she did the same (and then started crying). Before she left, we both agreed this doesn't feel like it's "over", it feel more like we're taking a break so she can get everything taken care of. I told her I didn't want "us" to be stressing her out, and she admitted the distance was bothering her too. I told her that right now she needs to concentrate on her, and when she's ready for a relationship and it seems like the right time for both of us, we will talk about it and work out the "distance" thing one way or the other. She said she still wanted me in her life and I feel the same. I love her and I want to be with her, but I told her I am not going to pressure her. We both agreed that we feel we will be back in a relationship eventually, but right now probably isn't the time. I also asked if she didn't mind if I kept our pictures up on my Facebook page, and she said "No, I love looking at our pics together."I've been through many breakups in my life, and usually I can tell when it's "over", but this is different. I walked her out to her car, she threw her arms around me, gave me a passionate kiss and said "I DO love you" I told her I loved her too and not to worry......everything will work out eventually.

 

Needless to say I didn't sleep much Saturday night. I was very sad and hurt. I left there Sunday afternoon and got home in the evening, but I haven't talked to her since I saw her Saturday night. I miss her, and I've been thinking about this all day (I had a nice long drive down the interstate to think about this.) I'm not doubting her love for me because she took the time to come see me and talk to me, which says a lot. She was afraid to do that and I told her never to be afraid to tell me things. I do respect her decision and I'm not blaming myself. I do think she has some things to sort out, but that still doesn't mean I don't miss her or wish she would call me up right now. I talked to a friend earlier who said "You need to understand something...she says she needs some time. She didn't say "I only like you as a friend", "I don't have the feelings for you that I should", or "I don't think we are right for each other"...she said she loves you and wants some time to get her life together. I think that's very positive and I don't think she is lying to you about that. I think by you giving her what she asks will not only help her to miss you, but it will also show her that you will respect what she wants. That will mean a lot and I think it will help you in the long run. " And I thought about that...that is true. The way I look at it, if she didn't care she wouldn't have came over in the first place and she probably would have said something like "I don't have feelings for you...." or some other lines I have heard from other women. I think she was true and honest, and that makes it a little easier. But like I said, this is different. I think the best thing to do is give her that time she needs...not pressure her, maybe initiate "No Contact" and don't talk to her unless she comes to me. Everything I have heard and read points at that.

 

Am I doing the right thing? I want her back more than you can imagine....it just hurts and my mind is running wild. I think "What if during this time she meets someone else?" or "What if she forgets about me?"...."What If? What If?" I suppose that's normal.

 

Any ideas? Suggestions? Thank you for allowing me to vent.

[Eddie Edirol]

Youre not going to accept this now, but a "break" is usually a slow and tortured prelude to a "breakup". She wont tell you what turns her off about you, or she found someone closer that she wants to date. She wont tell you that for a couple months though. Be prepared for that. You wont believe this now, People lie to their partners in a breakup, where she tells you what you want to hear to keep you around as a backup in case the new relationship doesnt work.

 

The distance is the major wildcard in this scenario, because if she is really going through a tough time, driving six hours to see someone every few weeks is stressful enough. Skyping isnt the way to maintain a real relationship, so cutting all that off temporarily, included with the driving distance could lighten her stressload. So hopefully she is telling the truth about that, but in the meantime, assume its over until you hear from her again, regardless what she says.

 

For now, dont bug her, dont plead your case, dont contact her. Let her miss you, become busy. if she forgets about you, then she planned on forgetting about you. Theres nothing you can do about that.

[HollyHoliday]

I don't have experience in divorce, but I am not sure I quite understand what EXACTLY is keeping her from being in a relationship with you right now. She has a lot on her plate, yes. There is distance, yes. You were together not soon after she divorced, yes. Does she think this is wrong? Does she want time to herself?

 

I just don't see what exactly is causing this problem. However, she seemed somewhat genuine.

 

My advice is this: Tell her that you need to make this fair for the both of you. You do want to give her the time, yes, but you also know that anything can happen, and with being so far away the only way you two are going to know anything about the other's life is if you tell each other.

 

So, I do think that no contact would be a good idea. If she wants the time, give it to her. But don't stop your life because of it. You care, but she may find in that time that she wants something else, and you will be left still ready and waiting.

[EgoJoe]

I would suggest doing some fact finding and soul searching while you fall off of the face of the earth for awhile. Perhaps even suggest seeing other people to see how she reacts.

[Lucio]

I'm not so sure, but if u guys have had a wonderful trusting n supportive r.s. a woman will want to rely on her man when there's too much on her plate.

 

My gut feel is there could be more reasons involving u that she needs to work out on her own n she can't tell u: the kids dislike the idea of a stepdad, her ex husband is threatening her abt u, or fighting for custody using u as a case, she recalls time w her ex (he was nice like u before marriage) n she is afraid history will repeat, u r too nice n she can't believe it.

 

Try to observe the situation if u can. Meanwhile give her the space n maybe just text simple messages.

[lucacoleman]

I do agree about giving her the space. Don't pressure here just tell her that you are there whenever she is ready. They just need time for themselves and to find themselves. So if you really want to save your relationship, then give her time and space.

[ASensitiveGuy]

Youre not going to accept this now, but a "break" is usually a slow and tortured prelude to a "breakup". She wont tell you what turns her off about you, or she found someone closer that she wants to date. She wont tell you that for a couple months though. Be prepared for that. You wont believe this now, People lie to their partners in a breakup, where she tells you what you want to hear to keep you around as a backup in case the new relationship doesnt work.

 

The distance is the major wildcard in this scenario, because if she is really going through a tough time, driving six hours to see someone every few weeks is stressful enough. Skyping isnt the way to maintain a real relationship, so cutting all that off temporarily, included with the driving distance could lighten her stressload. So hopefully she is telling the truth about that, but in the meantime, assume its over until you hear from her again, regardless what she says.

 

For now, dont bug her, dont plead your case, dont contact her. Let her miss you, become busy. if she forgets about you, then she planned on forgetting about you. Theres nothing you can do about that.

 

Thanks for your input. Believe me I have thought about every possibility, but knowing her the way I do (and the way my family does), I don't think she would be "playing" me by telling me what I want to hear if she had someone else or was interested in someone else. This situation is different and I do believe her because my sister has known her for a long time, and if she really did me wrong she would be jeopordizing their friendship too, so I don't think that's it. I do think she really isn't ready for a relationship right now because she was married 22 years to an abusive man, and we were together very shortly after that. She's told my sister many times she loves how I treat her and that she has never had a guy care about her like I have, so I really think she is genuine.

 

But I agree....no contact. She needs time and space and I'm going to give it to her like I said. We'll see what happens.

[ASensitiveGuy]

I don't have experience in divorce, but I am not sure I quite understand what EXACTLY is keeping her from being in a relationship with you right now. She has a lot on her plate, yes. There is distance, yes. You were together not soon after she divorced, yes. Does she think this is wrong? Does she want time to herself?

 

<<<Well I think it's more along the lines that she just wasn't "ready" coming straight after a divorce. The situation in a nutshell is her ex husband was abusive, and he is still in her life (because of the kids) and he still makes threats, etc. He's sent her some very nasty emails calling her all kinds of names, telling her nobody would ever want her, etc. She's also not working right now (she got laid off), she has 3 very high maintence kids, and she stays stressed out a lot. As she told me, it's not she doesn't want to be with me, she said she just has a lot going on and she would like to get those things straightened out first, and I believe her on that. She came into my parents' house crying saying she is "overwhelmed" with everything. The problem isn't with me, and obviously I'm not the solution. All I can do is give her time (for now).

 

I just don't see what exactly is causing this problem. However, she seemed somewhat genuine.

 

My advice is this: Tell her that you need to make this fair for the both of you. You do want to give her the time, yes, but you also know that anything can happen, and with being so far away the only way you two are going to know anything about the other's life is if you tell each other.

 

<<<Oh we discussed that. I told her we don't to keep anything from each other and we made each other a promise we wouldn't.

 

So, I do think that no contact would be a good idea. If she wants the time, give it to her. But don't stop your life because of it. You care, but she may find in that time that she wants something else, and you will be left still ready and waiting.

 

<<<Good point, I'm not going to stop my life, I'm going to continue to live my life but I'm not going to shut the door on her. I'm going to continue living and if she comes back to me we'll talk about it and see where we are at that point.

[wilsonx]

Thanks for your input. Believe me I have thought about every possibility, but knowing her the way I do (and the way my family does), I don't think she would be "playing" me by telling me what I want to hear if she had someone else or was interested in someone else. This situation is different and I do believe her because my sister has known her for a long time, and if she really did me wrong she would be jeopordizing their friendship too, so I don't think that's it. I do think she really isn't ready for a relationship right now because she was married 22 years to an abusive man, and we were together very shortly after that. She's told my sister many times she loves how I treat her and that she has never had a guy care about her like I have, so I really think she is genuine.

 

But I agree....no contact. She needs time and space and I'm going to give it to her like I said. We'll see what happens.

 

Dont be naive. How old are you?

 

Have you never heard the term, I need space? Ask any of your male friends what this term means. Every guy has heard this at least once in their life. Every single one of them and every single time, its because shes found someone else. If you havent noticed the trend yet, how quickly did she jump from her long term marriage to you? Did she tell you he was abusive? Were you her knight in shining armor there to save her? You were a rebound. She is a codependent relationship jumper. They do not tell the truth. They run from all their problems. If she jumped from a long term relationship to you, how are you special enough that shes not going to jump again to another guy!

[EgoJoe]

Wilson, I think your negativity may end up being your downfall. Sometimes people go into "overwhelm" and actually do simply need space. ****, my Ex never asked for space and only mentioned it when we had a talk about what we're going to do and all she said was, "Continue giving me space." Because I had already been backing off on my own because I needed "space" to sort my **** out during a rough patch.

 

I'm not defending her, him or any of that.I want to remind you and others that we are all absolutely ridiculous when inundated by emotions.

[wilsonx]

Im not being negative... At the same time... I am not bashing anyone's personal boundaries...

 

I am just saying, I got the I need space line, my friends have gotten it, all end up doing the same thing.

 

I understand the breakup and the venting here but people have to come to terms with reality. Especially in their 30s. OP sounds like the typical nice guy that is hurting. I was like that 4 months ago. I look back now and say damn I was naive but I also see all my past mistakes too. Not doing that again.

[EgoJoe]

Well, I certainly did not expect such a congenial response from you. I also want to point out that, "I am just saying..." is a responsibility deferring phrase.

 

I want you to know that while likely it is not the definitive synonymous phrase for, "I'm ****ing someone else."

 

In this hard time for him and her it is our responsibility on this forum to have the most compassion. I think he would do well to realize the typical connotations of this phrase while weighing the legitimate issues in his and her life.

 

I applaud your congeniality as I was a little irritated when I wrote my first message.

[ASensitiveGuy]

Dont be naive. How old are you?

 

Have you never heard the term, I need space? Ask any of your male friends what this term means. Every guy has heard this at least once in their life.

 

<<<I've heard every line and been exposed to every trick, which is why I think I can distingush this situation from any other I have been in.

 

Every single one of them and every single time, its because shes found someone else.

 

<<<I don't agree that "every single time", but I do agree a lot of times that's exactly what it means, but that's not "always" the case.

 

If you havent noticed the trend yet, how quickly did she jump from her long term marriage to you? Did she tell you he was abusive?

 

<<<Her and my sister have been best friends for years and worked together, and my sister knew her ex husband was abusive and she wasn't happy. She saw it first hand, plus Sherry did tell me about it too.

 

Were you her knight in shining armor there to save her?

 

<<<I was a guy who treated her with dignity and respect, something she wasn't used to.

 

You were a rebound. She is a codependent relationship jumper.

 

<<<I don't agree with that. I agree we may have rushed into thngs a little too quickly, but she isn't one to jump from relationship to relationship. She's told me how many boyfriends she has had in her life, and she's 42 years old. You could count the number of boyfriends she has had on one hand. But I can tell you this...she is one who isn't very assertive, which is why it's been easy for the ex to run all over her. She's the quiet, shy, sensitive type who doesn't say much until she gets to know you.

 

They do not tell the truth.

 

<<<Some don't, you're right. I've had plenty who have lied before.

 

They run from all their problems.

 

<<<I don't think she is "running" from her problems, I think she has a lot of problems (and I do know a lot about them, but I won't post them here), and I think she needs to work them out. I think right now she is wanting to concentrate on some of her issues (and she has them) without having to "worry" about a relationship. It's not what I want, but I told her I respect her decision.

 

If she jumped from a long term relationship to you, how are you special enough that shes not going to jump again to another guy!

 

<<<Well for starters I treated her with respect and treated her like a lady, which she said overwhelmed her. She has never had a guy treat her like that. I just know what she has told me, showed me, and what she has told my sister. I truly believe if she wanted to be with someone else she would have said something like "I don't think we are right for each other" or something along those lines...she wouldn't string me along and give me false hope. By doing that she would be risking losing my sister and my family, and I don't think she would do that. If I'm proven wrong on that, I'll deal with it (nothing is 100% guarantee), but I truly believe she is genuine and honest. She's been that way ever since I have known her and since my sister has known her, so we have no reasons to doubt her now.

 

I understand where you are coming from because I have been there, but this situation is a lot different than any I have ever had. I know about cheating too, my last GF (before this one) cheated with 3 guys so I know all about that. Sherry has never lied to me or given me any reason to not trust her, and with that said I think I need to trust her now and let her do what she needs to do. If, after that, it works out we'll go from there.

[ASensitiveGuy]

I'm not so sure, but if u guys have had a wonderful trusting n supportive r.s. a woman will want to rely on her man when there's too much on her plate.

 

<<<Well yes I can agree with that, but at the same time she is the type of person who doesn't want to "burden" anyone else. I think a lot of it might have to do with the fact she may not want to "bother" me with her "issues", even though I have told her I will be there for her. Just to give you an idea of some of the things she is dealing with (besides the divorce)...she lost both parents in the last couple of years, she lost her job, she had a major battle with her brother over her parents' house, and she's really stressed about money because sometimes the ex won't pay child support. That's just some of the things she is dealing with. I'm not the problem, I can't help her with these, all I can do is be there for her (which I told her I will be.) I just think I need to be understanding and let her get through a lot of these things, for now that's probably the best way I can help her.

 

My gut feel is there could be more reasons involving u that she needs to work out on her own n she can't tell u:

 

<<<I've thought about that too. I don't think it's an issue of me not making her happy, it might be more of an issue of me treating her well and she isn't used to that and may not know how to react. (Remember she came from an abusive marriage). I don't know if thats the case, but I'm just speculating.

 

the kids dislike the idea of a stepdad,

 

<<<She did mention to me that she didn't think her kids were ready for her to have a boyfriend, so I haven't met them. This was back when we first started seeing each other, so the kids may have something to do with it. Again with that I told her I was leaving that up to her. She knows her kids better than I do.

 

her ex husband is threatening her abt u, or fighting for custody using u as a case,

 

<<<That is a very good point. I never thought about that but you could be right. He's that type and he's been one to make threats and degrade her. I wouldn't put it past him at all to try something like that.

 

she recalls time w her ex (he was nice like u before marriage) n she is afraid history will repeat, u r too nice n she can't believe it.

 

<<<Yeah I've thought about that too and that could be part of it. It goes back to what I said earlier...she's never been with a guy who treated her with respect, so she may be afraid of getting her heart broken even though I would never hurt her, but still she has been hurt and thats something to keep in mind.

 

 

 

Try to observe the situation if u can. Meanwhile give her the space n maybe just text simple messages.

 

<<<Good point.

[Eddie Edirol]

Sensitive guy, If you read around this board, you will see that your situation is not unique. It follows the same path that all the others have gone when it comes to "space". It might have the same outcome, it might not, but its not unique just yet. Right now, its right on track with the typical "other man whos name is Space". Just be on the lookout for it. You think you know her well until this happens. You wont know for a month or so. We'll just have to wait and see.

[Lucio]

i'm glad my comments sat well with you

 

i've never met your lady, and i feel it'd be unfair to judge her based on my ex, my friends' ex or the average of everyone else's ex here, instead of based on her own past behavior. it's like saying the sex offender is always male, and we start looking at every guy as a potential rapist.

 

some of us here are just showing u the stats (which is hard to dismiss) out of concern, simply because it just keeps happening.

 

though honestly if indeed i were her, (and if she's really the nice woman as you made her out to be,) struggling with feeding and caring for 3 teenage kids, trying to find a job and all, and all you could do is suspect if i have a "space man", i'd be terribly disappointed with you.

 

you know her best (at least out of all of us here), so you need to sift out what fits for your case. but i'm not asking you to be deluding yourself. if ever you pick up any weird sign (like a space man), dun erase it.

 

i believe in innocent until proven guilty for this. have faith. and good luck to you. just go about your life normally i guess. let us know if u have updates.

[EgoJoe]

I think Lucio speaks the truth and that you might benefit from doing some reading on http://al.turtlecounseling.com .

[ASensitiveGuy]

Sensitive guy, If you read around this board, you will see that your situation is not unique. It follows the same path that all the others have gone when it comes to "space". It might have the same outcome, it might not, but its not unique just yet.

 

<<Well let me clarify what I meant. I meant that this is a different situation when compared to the other relationships and breakups I have been through. If I had a lot of time and I told you about all the others and you compared them to this situation, you would see what I'm talking about.

 

Right now, its right on track with the typical "other man whos name is Space". Just be on the lookout for it. You think you know her well until this happens. You wont know for a month or so. We'll just have to wait and see.

 

<<<You're right, and if I did find out she is not being truthful with me then I would admit she wasn't who I thought she was. But at this point in time I have no reason to doubt what she is saying based on what her past actions have been, what she told me, and what my sister told me. Since my sister has known her for years, I know she wouldn't want to see me go through a major heartbreak, so she would tell me "Hey I think you need to move on and not give her a chance." But she didn't say that, she told me (even before Sherry and I had our talk) that Sherry might tell me she needs space, but to not take that as she doesn't want to be with me. It just means she has some things she needs to work out before she can really concentrate on "us". If it was any other circumstance I may be really questioning it (and I admit I have had all kinds of things going through my head, that's normal), but in all honesty I have a gut feeling this is going to work out and I'm doing the right thing. But like you said we shall see.

[EgoJoe]

I'm glad to hear about your gut feeling. Follow it (but not blindly) and take this time to improve yourself drastically!

[ASensitiveGuy]

I'm glad to hear about your gut feeling. Follow it (but not blindly) and take this time to improve yourself drastically!

 

<<<Yeah I definitely see what you are saying. The reason I say this is different is because my gut feeling is telling me it will work out and we will be back together, and I've never felt that this strongly before. In the past I've had women tell me they needed "space", and during those times I would be "hopeful" it would work out, but I didn't have a strong feeling (like I do now). But also those situations were a totally different ballgame because I got the excuses like "I think we've grown apart" or "I don't think we are right for each other", then I would give them space to try and figure out if we were right for each other, which didn't work.

 

I can say I don't think my gut has ever been wrong when I have felt something this strongly. We shall see though. Thank you for your support.

[ASensitiveGuy]

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this (as most people do), and after piecing everything together, I have come up with a logical reason for what's going on (and I realize some of you might think I am way off base, but at the same time I'm going to mention it anyway.) I've also come up with a "plan of action" for me so that I don't drag this out, and I will reveal that too. Here's what I have come up with:

 

Okay, as I mentioned earlier Sherry is best friends with my sister, so they talk (as most women do). First of all, I really don't think my sister would allow me to get set up to get hurt and if she felt Sherry was just telling me what I wanted to hear, she would tell me "Hey you need to move on. Don't hold out for her." But back at the end of July when I was there for my vacation, Sherry came over one night and was very distant (as I mentioned in my original post). My sister said "She isn't acting right, why don't I go talk to her?" So her and Sherry went into a room and talked for a while. After Sherry left that night I asked my sister what was going on....she said " She has a lot going on right now and I don't think she knows how to handle it. It's nothing you have done it's just a lot of things in her life are really stressing her out and she needs time to think about it. I've told her she needs to be honest with you about that but I think she is thinking you are going to be mad." My sister went on to say "I told her that if she needs some time or space she needs to tell you NOW so that she can take the time she needs to deal with her issues, get her life in order, then that way you two can have a healthy relationship. She needs to be open and honest with you"

 

That makes a lot of sense. So she had told my sister how she was feeling before she told me....but I didn't try to pressure her throughout August because I knew I would be going there this month and we could talk face to face. Now, here is the best possible conclusion I can come up with (after piecing everything together). I think Sherry's life is messed up right now and she doesn't know what to do. Some of the things she is dealing with are both her parents passed away in the last couple of years, she had a big fight with her brother over selling their house (and still fighting), her kids have been giving her grief (she runs them all the time taking them to football, band, etc and they don't appreciate her), her ex has also been harassing her (threatning not to pay child support, etc), and in the process of all that she was laid off from work and is currently unemployed so she is really stressed about finances. That's quite a lot to deal with at one time...so my thinking is she really doesn't have the time to put into our relationship (especially since it is long distance). From what I can gather, I think she realizes she can't be coming here like she was, or even traveling 3 hours to the town in between so we can spend a weekend together...I really think that has hit her hard and (from what I gather after talking to my sister), she is probably thinking "Okay I can't see him like I was able to with all that is going on in my life. I don't want him to be mad and upset because I can't make trips to see him, and it isn't fair for him to drive all the way over here when I can't return the favor. I don't want him hurt, mad, or upset that I can't put into this what I could before because that may further hurt our relationship in the long run. So the best option is to tell him I need some space so I can take some time to sort all this out, then I can be the type girlfriend he wants and can give him the attention he deserves."

 

I realize there is a possibility I could be way off base here, but I really think I may have hit the nail on the head right there. That theory goes right along with what she said Saturday night, and what my sister has said too. So for now, as I said before, I'm going to give her the time she needs. . I'm also not changing my FB status or anything like that. I read all the time where my friends talk about how "sad" they are on their posts, well I'm not mentioning this to anyone. If Sherry sees my FB page (which I know she does), she's not going to notice a change. I'm going to comment on different things (but not us) and keep it upbeat and happy.

 

Now as for my "plan of action", this is what I have decided to do. I don't want this to drag out forever so for now, nothing. Maintain NC (unless she contacts me), and if she does contact me keep it light, no heavy subjects. I've also decided to go ahead and "hide" our pictures on FB, and change my relationship status. I know this may be a game....but at the same time she may look at that and think "Oh crap, what have I done? He is moving on" and it may work to my advantage. I don't like playing "games", but at the same time I think this could work because not only am I showing her I am moving on (even if I'm really not), but it also gives me a time to heal IN CASE it doesn't work the way I want it. I'm making sure all the bases are covered in other words.

 

Now here is my problem with that. I'm a little hesitant on changing my relationship status to "single" because (knowing my friends) I will start getting flooded with wall posts saying "We are so sorry", and asking what happened, etc. (I say this because as an April Fool's joke earlier this year I did that very thing...Sherry and I made everyone think we broke up just to later reveal it was all a joke. I had probably 30-40 comments where it said I had gone from "being in a relationship" to "single".) I have been looking at Facebook trying to see if I can just leave my relationship status blank, but I can't figure that out. I have considered the fact she may think "Oh crap, this is for real. He may find someone else." But here's another thing (and I know I shouldn't have mentioned this), I told her I didn't want to take our pictures down, so if I did that would that make me look like someone who is going back on their word? I agree with you, but at the same time should I wait a couple more days (or maybe even a week) to take them down, or should I do it now? I'm confused about that but I see what you are saying and it makes sense.

Edited September 27, 2011 by ASensitiveGuy

[Chi townD]

Then change your FB status to "it's complicated"

[ASensitiveGuy]

Then change your FB status to "it's complicated"

 

 

I had thought about changing it to that but then again I don't want all my friends asking me "what's wrong?" or "what happened?". So what i did was I just made the relationship status only visible to me. In other words, when she or someone else clicks on my profile they won't see anything listed for relationship status.

 

I think it might still work because she has been looking at my profile and it has said "In a relationship" and now that it doesn't say that (even though it doesn't say anything) might have the same effect.

[Chi townD]

I had thought about changing it to that but then again I don't want all my friends asking me "what's wrong?" or "what happened?". So what i did was I just made the relationship status only visible to me. In other words, when she or someone else clicks on my profile they won't see anything listed for relationship status.

 

I think it might still work because she has been looking at my profile and it has said "In a relationship" and now that it doesn't say that (even though it doesn't say anything) might have the same effect.

 

LOL!! If they ask, just say read the statement, it's complicated!! Point is, you're not doing this for an impact on your friends, you're doing it for an impact for just one person.

[ASensitiveGuy]

LOL!! If they ask, just say read the statement, it's complicated!! Point is, you're not doing this for an impact on your friends, you're doing it for an impact for just one person.

 

 

That is true and you are 100% correct on that. However, I don't want to draw attention to the situation so I think by just removing "In A Relationship" and leaving it blank would be more effective in getting her to notice. I don't think it's neccesarily about what I "have" in my profile, it could be more about what I DON'T have. I think the realization will hit her then that she could be losing me.....it could be a pretty powerful move. We'll just have to see how it plays out.