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Broke up after being together for 14 years.


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Hi everyone.

 

I am a 36 year old male. I was with my Girlfriend for 14 years. Yes, 14 years. We both decided long ago that we would marry AFTER we were BOTH done with college and were well established in our careers.

 

That time was almost here. I am well established in my career, she is 2 weeks away from graduating from the Police academy. (She is 5 years younger than me)

 

Anyways, now thats out of the way. Here is what happened.

 

For the past 2 weeks I noticed when I would leave to go to work in the morning and kiss her goodbye it was like kissing a lifeless corpse. Ya know, her lips were stiff, cold and not present if you know what I mean. When she would say "I love you" it sounded so empty to me. She would avoid me when we were both home as well, she began keeping her face stuck in a book when we were together, instead of talking to eachother like we usually did.

 

Anyways, So this was going on for a few weeks, and I was losing sleep over it. I was so worried that something was wrong. I would ask her if she was ok, or if something was bothering her, and she would say she was fine. I never pushed the issue with her. When she said she was fine, I would say ok, and leave it at that. But, I just knew something was wrong.

 

So one day when she left to go to training and classes one day at the academy I texted her and asked her point blank if she was cheating on me. She didnt respond for an hour or so. During this time my heart was sinking with every minute that passed. Finally, She responded with:

"Afterlife, I am not cheating on you, but I DO have a guy friend that I have became close with. You are always working and never home. Me and XXX have become really good friends. Please dont be mad"

 

So I texted back and said I wanted to talk about it in person when we both got home that night. So that night we talk, she said " Afterlife I didn't want to tell you via text but I dont know what I want anymore. But I do know that I cant be with you anymore. I need to be alone while I figure out what I want." she also admitted to me that this new guy has told her that he likes her and would want to go out with her if she was single. She also admitted (after some prodding by me) that she told him that she liked him also. Come to find out, they are at the academy together.

 

I asked her if they have ever done anything (sex) she said no. she said they have hugged once, never kissed..they just talk alot and are in the "getting to know eachother stage" those were her exact words.

 

At this point I was FREAKING CRUSHED...I began to cry like a baby. My stomach turned inside out. She said I am never home. I am always working!!! I am trying to work my butt off so we can own our own home. I save all of my money for US! I have bought her and myself a new vehicle each. Everything I've worked for is for her and me! We were even in the process of planning our long overdue wedding.

 

So that night I leave and go stay with a friend. I am at my friends for no longer that 4 days, and she calls me up crying her eyes out saying she has decided she wants me to come home and she wants to work it out with me.

 

At this point I am sooo confused. So I look up her cell phone records online and I see while I was gone her and the guy were texting eachother over 200 times in these last 4 days at all hours of the night and day. I could not see the text messages themselves though.

 

Anyways, So I go to our house to talk to her. This guy texts her 5 times when I am there. She texts him in front of me and tells him to back off because we are working it out. He does not stop. Then I text him and say the same, he wont reply to me at all.

 

I'm sorry for the long drawn out story guys...I'm soo confused at this point. Does it sound like there is more to this than she is telling me? Should I trust her and go back? I love her more than life itself! She is my world. I work 14 hours a day trying to build a life for us and I feel like she just kicked my heart down my throat.

 

I dont know what to do. To me it feels like there is more to the story the way the guy was texting her, and the number of texts they sent to eachother when I left for those 4 days.

 

14 years and she does this....it BLEW ME AWAY!

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I know your pain. Don't dwell on how may time they texted each other, that doesn't matter.

 

If she want's to get back together, then take her back. Talk about the problems calmly, listen to her and try to spend more time with her.

 

If she means the world to you then you will find the time!

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Firstly it sounds like you guys are gonna get back together- 14 years is a helluva lot to throw away considering that as far as she has stated she didn't technically cheat and you still very much love her.

 

However emotionally, she did "cheat" and whilst you may decide to forgive her, you can't let her off easy.

 

1) You must know exactly what happened between them for the 4 days that they were texting each other. Just ask her to be honest because you can sense there's something not quite right. If you don't resolve this it will eat at you every day and eventually your harboured resentment over this will spill over. Re-iterate to her that she is your world and how she couldnt possibly hurt you anymore than she has; so out of respect for you, she should be completely honest. It's what you deserve.

 

It's hard to tell whether she's done anything with the guy but really if she told you in the first place that's somethings up, then I really don't think she would be lieing about that. She didn't have to tell you jack ****. But again, it's your call- you know her best.

 

2) During those 4 days she may have just felt some excitement - something new, she probably thought "I'm free! This is new and exciting!!" etc. She was messaging some guy who in her head, was someone who was gonna pay her more attention, than she felt you did. I think she must have then realised that A) he was a jerk B) how much she actually cared about you.

 

3) Talk about the underlying issue - she feels neglected. She needs to know that you still love her and if you're away a lot she's not thinking "Jesus he's working really hard to provide everything for me", she's thinking "He's working an awful lot so he doesn't have to see me." She may have thought you were growing distant.

 

With the guy friend all she ever saw was a fantasy. Here's a guy talking to her and paying her attention, he's new, he's fun and he wants to spend time with her. For women, the getting to know each other stage is the best. Both sides have illusions as to how things could work out with the other person. How they could be perfect, but that's all it usually is, an illusion.

 

My last bit of advice? Be romantic, in a 14 year relationship, both sides can tend to be lazy and comfortable. Maybe push forward that wedding and do something unexpected for her (not roses) but something original. I hope you work things out.

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gluttonForPunishment

Wow, I went through something very similar. Let me give you this advice.... I know you love her and there is definitely a chance for you guys. But you have to always remember if she was capable of doing this once to you then she is capable of doing it again. Not saying she will, but you know now that she is the type of person who can be in a committed relationship and start looking outside of it. Are all people like this? I don't think so. Be careful. I hope it works out for you and that you don't get hurt again.

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Hi you two!!

 

Thank you SOOOOO very much for you honesty and advice! I will take the advice given. I was just looking for other's perspectives on this and for it to be looked at by a fresh set of eyes..so, thank you very much.

 

maryfey,

 

I love the idea of doing something original for her, something very romantic. In all honesty even though I am still reeling in pain from what she did, I was thinking what I could do FOR HER already. I wrote a Poem earlier today for her about the first night we met.

 

I would do anything to see her happy, so if that means changing my hours at work, working less, I would do it. We have been though soo much together, thick and thin...

 

My only concern is so far this guy seems like a kind of creepy guy who wont back off now easily. I guess I will handle that if it comes to that.

 

Again, thank you so much.

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Wow, I went through something very similar. Let me give you this advice.... I know you love her and there is definitely a chance for you guys. But you have to always remember if she was capable of doing this once to you then she is capable of doing it again. Not saying she will, but you know now that she is the type of person who can be in a committed relationship and start looking outside of it. Are all people like this? I don't think so. Be careful. I hope it works out for you and that you don't get hurt again.

 

Thank you Glutton...I am thinking both, her and I fell into a rut of working or taking each other for granted over time. We used to set aside one night a week and have a date night where we would dress nice and go out to dinner, a bar, or whatever we wanted to do..but over the past few months we stopped that because neither of us had time away from work and the academy..but I plan on reinstating that if she is up for it.

 

I will call her tonight and see if we cant get together tonight and talk in person.

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I know exactly how u feel. It is so bad that whenever I'm out with someone now n she starts texting non-stop I either start shaking uncontrollably or tell her "if there's somewhere else you'd rather be, you don't have to be here."

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Afterlife, you need to kick her out for awhile to be single.

 

Without the car you bought for her, without any help and without a safety net.

 

Work on yourself in this time, tell her that in a few months you'd be willing to consider counseling YOU MUST BE A MAN about this in order to have a chance. I also want you to know that the next time you "know something is up" but she won't admit it. Call her out on it in a congenial manner.

 

Read at al.turtlecounseling.com and bettermen.org etc.

 

Actions have consequences and she needs to feel them and make significant overtures herself.

 

This is just my opinion.

 

Also a side thought. I learned about this from a relationship dynamic website.

 

 

Three thrings every man should be aware of how women view non family member relationships:

1: Platonic friends

2: Lover/Friend

3: Leader/Provider

 

If you're #2 and not #3 she'll look for #3 and vice versa. You must be both. If she's not meeting your needs then don't bother to do this for her, find someone else.

Edited by EgoJoe
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