I relapsed...

[Kageytn]

He contacted me last night. I tried ignore it and didn't. He asked me to come to his house tonight so he can help me study.

 

I agreed. He minored in the subject I need help with but he doesn't know it. It's just an excuse.

 

So here's what I thinking:

1. Do I cancel? Tell him I think it's a bad idea?

2. Go and keep it very light? Dress up and act like I have a date later? I hate to play games but I'm so very used to it with him. And I don't want him to think I'm home depressed over our break up.

3. Go-dressed casually-actually try to study. Be nonchalant. Be friendly. And leave knowing I didn't play his game.

 

He keeps saying he doesn't want to have sex with me. I think it's one of his control deals because I really enjoy sex. I dont think it'll be a problem tonight.

 

If I cancel, I'll have to deal with his crap but I will anyway. Eventually. I'm putting off the inevitable. And I know it.

 

All advice welcome. I'm going to clean my house and watch trashy tv.

[Mack05]

Kagetyn it's like the drug addict convincing themselves a tiny shot is ok. The alcoholic convincing themselves one drink won't make a huge difference. The gambler saying one small bet will do me no harm. In this case you are addicted to the man. Addicted to the toxicity of the relationship. Why? Because like every addict, your self esteem is in the gutter. Insecurities everywhere. You crave emotional fulfillment and when you can't get it, you replace it with an addiction. I know. I've been to hell and back myself.

 

Can I recommend you buy a book called 'The Addictive Personality' by Craig Nakken -> http://www.amazon.com/Addictive-Personality-Understanding-Compulsive-Behavior/dp/1568381298 and/or Will Power is not enough -> http://www.amazon.com/Willpowers-Not-Enough-Recovering-Addictions/dp/0060919698/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1316616510&sr=1-1

 

These books are not just for people with addictions. They also explain why we fall into and stay in toxic situations, even though are heads know it is wrong. If people become trly self aware as to why these things are happening to them, they can start to do something about it. The first book you will have read in less then a week and its a book you will read many many times in your life.

 

I am not going to advise you Kagetyn further on this thread, because right now your addictive logic is controlling your normal logic (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521). What I, or anyone else might advise you on this thread will not effect your final decision.

[geegirl]

Kage, you know what I am going to say.

 

1. Do I cancel? Tell him I think it's a bad idea?

Yes, you cancel. It is a bad idea. The fact that you are on here and posting with the title "I RELAPSED", like a junkie, is enough to tell you it is. Who cares what he thinks anymore. Whether you cancel or not, you know it is a bad idea.

 

2. Go and keep it very light? Dress up and act like I have a date later? I hate to play games but I'm so very used to it with him. And I don't want him to think I'm home depressed over our break up.

Keep it light, while you are dying inside? What's with all the pretend games? You're used to games with him? What type of mindset are you in that you think game playing is okay just because you're used to it. Do you not believe it is an emotionally unhealthy path to be on. Why are you trying to prove a point to him? The only point you should be proving is to yourself in that you will not and cannot put yourself through these games anymore.

 

The fact is, you ARE depressed. Instead of doing something about it, you are wanting to continue emersing yourself in what is making you depressed. It's like saying, "The fire burned me, but you know what, I am going to jump in it again just to prove that I won't get burned." Where is the logic in this? The fact is that you are hurt and depressed and it is time to deal with it and fix it and not keep returning to the source of your pain.

 

3. Go-dressed casually-actually try to study. Be nonchalant. Be friendly. And leave knowing I didn't play his game.

 

By going, you are playing his game. He's opening the door and you are walking in. The fact that you are on here asking for suggestions is a sure fire sign that you're scared and unsure and deep down you know this is not right for you and the outcome is going to be detrimental to YOU. You don't have control over this. He has.

 

He keeps saying he doesn't want to have sex with me. I think it's one of his control deals because I really enjoy sex. I dont think it'll be a problem tonight.

 

He knows you like sex and you are emotional about him. Carrot on a string. I hope you hate carrots.

 

If I cancel, I'll have to deal with his crap but I will anyway. Eventually. I'm putting off the inevitable. And I know it.

 

Who cares about his crap? What about your "crap"? Your hurt. Your depression? What about all that. Those are huge issues that you need to deal with compared to worrying about his ego. Put yourself first. If you don't, no one will.

[Kageytn]

I wasn't even going to post because I know the answer. I almost called my therapist but I know what he will say too.

 

It'll just delay my progress. I can't move on if I keep messing with him.

 

I'm going to cancel. You know what? I'm scared to do it. The man never hit me but he's done a number on me. I'm crying even thinking about this. I hate this. Hate it.

 

It's going to be an all day affair of texting etc. Sigh.

[Mack05]

It's going to be an all day affair of texting etc. Sigh.

 

Only because you will let it be...

[geegirl]

I wasn't even going to post because I know the answer. I almost called my therapist but I know what he will say too.

 

It'll just delay my progress. I can't move on if I keep messing with him.

 

I'm going to cancel. You know what? I'm scared to do it. The man never hit me but he's done a number on me. I'm crying even thinking about this. I hate this. Hate it.

 

It's going to be an all day affair of texting etc. Sigh.

 

All the hard work you put in for a year is worth nothing if you are not grasping it and applying it, Kage. One step forward, and twenty back. How will you recover and move on to be healthy emotionally and mentally if you keep giving him your power?

 

Scared of what? Scared that it will push him away and you will lose him? Scared he will come over and beat you up? Scared he will realize he has no use for you anymore and move on? What are you scared about? Tell us what you are really scared about. If he has never hit you, what about him makes you scared that you can't cancel? Be honest.

 

You know why it will be a whole day texting? Because he wants to control you. Because you allow him. If you switched off your phone and ignored him, at some point he will leave you alone. I have a strong feeling you don't want to be left alone. Am I right?

[Kageytn]

No. I don't want to be with him. I know I'll never be happy or fulfilled. I'm repeating the relationship I had with my father. He would ignore me. Then when I ignored him back he would get sad and make me feel guilty. If I got angry, he would be very cruel. So I'd do what I could to please him then he would push me away. And we would start the dance again. I do that with my ex.

 

I'm scared because he touches all my vulnerabilities. He throws salt on them. I can hear him in my head. "you're a horrible mother. You can't keep a clean house. You're a whore. You're a freak and a mental wreck. You're poor without me. You need me. You need my money. I am the only one who can take care of your kids and you."

 

I can't handle it. What if that stuff is true? My father's voice gets mixed up with his and I feel worthless. My dad and I have made peace but that little girl comes back with a vengenance. And she wants love. Any type of love.

 

I'm trying so hard. I know it doesn't look like it. I am, though.

 

I'm terrified I'll go back and he'll destroy me. He almost has before. I have to be stronger than the addiction.

 

This is the first time I've actually talked about the connection between my dad and the ex to people beside my therapist.

 

I know it's insane. I know I'm a huge mess of issues.

 

My father just called. He's coming tonight-of course no warning. So I can't go anyway. I'm not giving that excuse though. I'm just going to cancel.

[M2155]

"Hey, thanks but I changed my mind and I am going to study on my own. I need some distance from you because I need to focus on me and my studies right now. I am turning my phone off now because I am not going to discuss further. Have a good semester. "

[Kageytn]

I'm going to copy and paste that. It's perfect. And turn off my phone.

 

What a freaking mess.

[geegirl]

I completely understand. My father was the same way. He was mentally and physically abusive. No matter how bad he was to me, I was constantly seeking his approval. Constantly wanting to please him so that he will love me. Push pull. Cold hot. Just toxic and addictive. It's a deep craving to want to be accepted. You brought it all back for me after reading this.

 

It's a pattern you carry with you when you move into relationships with men. And if you don't cut that cord Kage, you will continue to attract men like these in your life.

 

He is able to touch all your vulnerabilities because you allowed him to control you and now he knows the exact button to push. You don't have a mind of your own. His thoughts are yours. That why you don't even know if you are a good mother or not. The truth is, you know you are. But you're self worth is so damaged that you need him to tell you what and who you are. And the sad part is, you'll believe it, even if you know it's so wrong.

 

I know what it is like to want "any type of love." I've been there. Any love is love. Bad love. Toxic love. Degrading love. Any love. A dry soul looking for any type of nourishment. But at some point you have to buck up.

 

If you are terrified that he will destroy you, then don't go back. If you want to be destroyed, then you go back. The thing is you know all this, it's in your head. You know right from wrong. You know you are a good mother. You know you are not a whore. You know you are a better human being than this monster. You just need his validation to approve your thoughts. Without it, you're lost.

 

If you read your post, you clearly know he is bad for you. Keep going back and he will diminish you to nothing. You know this. So why would you want that for your life. If you have a daughter, what would you tell her if some man was doing this to her? You know what you would tell your daughter. So, try and apply that to yourself. Talk to yourself as you woudl talk to your daughter or son.

 

Your self esteem is terribly wounded. But if you give yourself a chance and stay away from what is wounding it, you will get there. I promise you.

[Kageytn]

I can't keep doing this to myself. It's killing me.

 

He's already text me. I erased it. Phone off.

 

The new cycle starts.

 

Sorry to bring it all back to you, geegirl.

[geegirl]

Don't apologize! It's not a bad thing. It's a good thing. It shows me how far I've come. And I want that for you too and that is why I shared.

[Kageytn]

I survived the death of my husband. I was 28 with a 2 year old and 7 year old. I put myself through school afterwards.

 

This should be so much easier but it just hurts like hell.

 

In our couples therapy, he said he would never be able to break it off with me because I couldn't survive without him. I laughed. Yeah, I can. The therapist even corrected him.

 

Everyone, in my real life, says I'm so strong and I'm a survivor. Now, I just have to feel it.

 

Thanks guys! I'm starting to feel better.

[geegirl]

In our couples therapy, he said he would never be able to break it off with me because I couldn't survive without him. I laughed. Yeah, I can. The therapist even corrected him. .

 

He told you that because he wanted to brainwash you into believing that you need him. That would mean he will always have you in the palm of his hands. The truth is, you don't. If you survived the loss of your husband and caring for two children, this bozo is cake.

 

The moment you start realizing you have your power back, he will look like a tiny little bug you just want to squash. I can't wait for the day!

 

Cut that out and paste it all over your apartment. The next time he contacts you, read it and laugh.

 

It's better to be alone than need a that!

[Kageytn]

My father changed his cell number and didn't even tell me. No wonder I have no self esteem. He was suppose to come tomorrow but came today with the expectation I would change all my plans for him. I did. So freaking typical.

 

Between the ex and dealing with my dad, I'm ready to collapse. I might drink tonight. I havent since the break up but quite tempted.