TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 So my ex called yesterday and asked to go on a date because she wants to talk. This is after two weeks of her trying to come see me (I ignored her previous requests!) I have now given in to her request but am not sure I am doing the right thing. I love her and want her back but am aware our relationship had massive problems, namely her lack of self esteem. I am definitely going to see her (my mind is made up with that - and I know it's on my head if it blows up in my face). My question however is this: - How do I act around her? Should I be: a) Nonchalant, as though it's no big deal seeing her b) Be honest about my feelings Be as brutal as you need to folks. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I would be as honest as you can . You don't want to regret not saying what you feel . But let her talk first and just be you. good luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 I would be as honest as you can . You don't want to regret not saying what you feel . But let her talk first and just be you. good luck ! Good call Buttercup. If she speaks first at least I'll know what she's thinking, which lessens the chance of me humiliating myself. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) So my ex called yesterday and asked to go on a date because she wants to talk. This is after two weeks of her trying to come see me (I ignored her previous requests!) I have now given in to her request but am not sure I am doing the right thing. I love her and want her back but am aware our relationship had massive problems, namely her lack of self esteem. I am definitely going to see her (my mind is made up with that - and I know it's on my head if it blows up in my face). My question however is this: - How do I act around her? Should I be: a) Nonchalant, as though it's no big deal seeing her b) Be honest about my feelings Be as brutal as you need to folks. Cheers Bro you know I got good time for you. I think any woman would be lucky to have you. I realise when you are emotionally invested it's impossible to disengage. Last night, I had an argument with my girlfriend (who knows these forums well). I said to her, how come I can give good advice to strangers and can't apply the same advice in my relationship?. My girlfriend who is far more wiser than me, said it's because you are emotionally invested. It's completely different. I think it takes great skill to be emotionally invested in someone and still be able to take a step back and be logical. That is my new goal. I am almost emotionally invested in you at this stage Dovic :laugh::laugh:. But I am going to try and be logical. To me, this is like pouring a kettle with hot water of your skin. You know it's not right. You know it's going to hurt but for some reason you are going to do it anyway. Listen, I respect you have made your mind made up. You are following your heart and I can't be mad at you bro. If you can remember one thing let it be this. Right now your relationship is unworkable. Anyone suffering from depression (she shows the signs), insecurities and low self esteem cannot be in a relationship with anybody. The relationship is doomed for failure in it's current format. That doesn't mean you can't correct things. I would suggest to her (providing she reaches out in a BIG way) that you both go to couples therapy. She needs to confront her demons and she needs to know you got her back. I think if you both put the work in and go to couples therapy, then there is no reason why you guys can't make it. I think she is a lucky woman Dovic. Your one of the most decent guys on this site and believe me when I tell you, I REALLY hope it works out for you.. Keep us posted! And if the wedding takes place, I have no plans whatsoever in 2012/2013 Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 Ha I love you too Mack :laugh::laugh:!!!! Hopefully I won't get too badly burned... Alternatively if I do get burned badly I'll at least be hoping I'll learn this time! I'll let you know how I get on either way buddy. Cheers for the support Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 How do I act around her? Should I be: a) Nonchalant, as though it's no big deal seeing her b) Be honest about my feelings Be as brutal as you need to folks. Cheers Good Morning, Dovic. How are you today? No need for brutality here. IMHO, you don't even know your feelings, so how can you express them? Let her do all the talking. Don't call it a "date" -- call it a meeting. She asked you to meet with her. It's up to her to state what's on her mind, and then, you get to respond. It's not up to you to state what's on your mind. It's her meeting, she asked for it, and she needs to state her agenda. See what I mean? So no stress for you. It's all on her. Keep it that way. What's in it for you? What will she suggest or ask for? And why should you comply? That's what you need to think about. I have a very, very good friend who has walked in your shoes. The low-self esteem, depressive GF. Guess what? They tried again and failed. Guess why? She refused to seek therapy and is in denial that her problems aren't "just" about the relationship. So ... You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink, right? If she wants to reconcile, put the condition on it, firmly: you seek counseling, and perhaps we seek couples counseling, or there's just no point. We need guidance and help to navigate why the relationship failed. It's broken. Magic is not going to fix it. So again, sit back, let her do all the talking. It's her meeting. Remember: she broke up with you. Let her do all the heavy lifting. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 Hi Graceful, thanks for the message, and I'm doing fine, hope you are too. I'd like to thank you for the advice you have given because it has immediately put me at ease! I have been sitting here ruminating on what I'll say, but you're right, it's not up to me to say anything. She broke up with me, AND she asked for the "meeting." I'll let you know I how get on sure. Hope you're having a nice day:) Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. This meeting could only be an attempt by her to try and put you in the friend zone. And that she doesn't want to get back together, but you two have too much history that it would be ashame to throw it all away....blah....blah.... Link to post Share on other sites
futuregopher Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Good luck with the meeting! I wish you the best. Cheers!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 So guess what happened????? After almost begging to see me for two weeks I gave in and she text saying she couldn't make it! - Gutted!!! She asked what other night this week would suit but I've told her that's it, no more chances and no more ****! Finally time to move on, and I am ANGRY for the first time since the break up, and it feels way better than depressed!!! :mad::mad: Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I can imagine how annoying that is! Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Link to post Share on other sites
silly_panda Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Did she tells you why she couldn't make it..? I don't know man... Maybe she really got something urgent to attend to... Should give her one last chance before you really close the door... Well... That's what I think... Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 nooooo!!!! i'm so sorry, Dovic. but i'm glad you are angry instead of sad. anger can and has been a big motivator in sticking to NC - - -at least for me it has. of course, anger isn't a place you want to stay. but in a situation like this, it's definitely giving you the momentum to mobilize. so onward and out! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Well, in my opinion, she could have been more descriptive as to why she couldn't meet up. If there was a justifible reason and she ask if you could meet later that day.....then I would say that she wanted to work things out. But, since she stated that she couldn't make it and wanted to reschedule for a different day leads me to believe that what she wanted to tell you wasn't that important and you were heading into a "Friend Zone" speech. Friend Zone speeches can be put off for a different day. So, be thankful! You saved yourself some time and heartache! Link to post Share on other sites
fetish1980 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 there could of been a legitmate reason why she didn't make it, but the fact is any meeting or rescheduling has to be done by her. fetish1980 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamcity Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Oh, that makes me sad... I was reading along and getting excited for you. But I'm glad your angry (well, as much as I'd wish anger on anyone). You really do seem like a good guy, Dovic. Link to post Share on other sites
immitable Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 Dovic man, not everything is lost since she is entering that territory you should just lay back and relax. She will be contacting you again, but one thing you must remeber - play hard to get like you have been so far Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 I'm so happy I have this forum... You guys are all great and I really appreciate your support! She's a teacher and said she has a lot of books to mark for tomorrow. She wanted to call around earlier in the day but said she couldn't stay too long... I just think if she really wanted to see me she would've made it happen! Link to post Share on other sites
gluttonForPunishment Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 So my ex called yesterday and asked to go on a date because she wants to talk. This is after two weeks of her trying to come see me (I ignored her previous requests!) I have now given in to her request but am not sure I am doing the right thing. I love her and want her back but am aware our relationship had massive problems, namely her lack of self esteem. I am definitely going to see her (my mind is made up with that - and I know it's on my head if it blows up in my face). My question however is this: - How do I act around her? Should I be: a) Nonchalant, as though it's no big deal seeing her b) Be honest about my feelings Be as brutal as you need to folks. Cheers Man, if you think there is a chance a relationship will work with her and you want to try do not be overly enthusiastic. No matter what people might say girls wan't a strong man. A man that is a challenge. Be honest that you still have feelings for her if you want, but don't let her think she can just waltz back in and be your girl again. Make her think she has to work for it. Don't tell her she has to earn you. Show her that she does. Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) I just think if she really wanted to see me she would've made it happen! You know it. If felt I made a mistake, dumped my girl and I had a chance to get her back, I'd literally move mountains mate. Everytime she 'half' reaches out, you get excited and then you suffer a setback. It's completely crippling your recovery mate. My favourite poster on LS is Geegirl. She always says, the definition of insanity -> "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". How long are u going to let her use you as a crutch and then keep letting you down? It's time to make a stand and stick to it!. I bet you any money, I advised you this would happen a few weeks ago. U agreed with me at the time. Guess what, it happened. I am not here to gloat. I hate to see a good man suffer. I want you to stand up for yourself mate. You deserve better then this! This is the classic push and pull. She only did it to gauge where you are at...As long as you have doormat on your head, she will take advantage and you will keep making excuses for her. The question I have for you is. When are you going to stand up for yourself. More importantly when are you going to mean it?? Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 **** Mack I really want the strength to mean it, I really do!!! I had visions of me sitting on this forum tonight in this state and here I am. I really want to let her go now, but I don't know if I can mean it. I'm just going to have to take each day as it comes... and today I told her I don't want her in my life. Fingers crossed! Link to post Share on other sites
Mack05 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 (edited) **** Mack I really want the strength to mean it, I really do!!! I had visions of me sitting on this forum tonight in this state and here I am. I really want to let her go now, but I don't know if I can mean it. I'm just going to have to take each day as it comes... and today I told her I don't want her in my life. Fingers crossed! Dovic. I am 36. I had had four serious relationships fail. I've made mistakes in each and everyone one of them. Those mistakes have helped me learn alot. One lesson I have learnt, is a woman loves a strong man. A woman respects a man with strong character. By you showing constant weakness to this girl, you are doing yourself no favours. You are saying, "you can treat me anyway you want and I will accept it". She senses your weakness and the weaker you are, the more respect she loses for you (in her eyes). A woman that respected you, would not have cancelled on you tonight. It is that black and white. U telling me when she organized this night, that she conveniently forgot about these 'exam' papers. Do me a favour. What a pile of ****ing Bull****. You think she is at home feeling guilty! Hell no. She is saying to herself, sure I can call my lapdog next week and he will meet me when it suits me. I will send him an apologetic, bread crumbs text and that will do the job. Sigh.......the sad thing is when your anger fades, it will do the job. I am quietly confident, you will meet her next week (when she does her next 'half reach' out). I am in a way, happy she cancelled on you tonight. I was concerned if it went well and you took her back, what would happen. Can I tell you what will happen if you take her back now? She will dump you again at some stage down the line, when the going gets tough. Why, because she can. She believes she can treat u anyway she wants and you will tolerate it. That you will always be there for her. I have never been more sure of anything in my life, that she will dump you again if you take her back now. If you don't make a stand NOW, you will regret it for the rest of your life. If this woman literally doesnt move mountains, you do not even consider replying to her, let alone meeting her. If she half reaches out, you do not reply. If she wants you back, trust me she will knock on your door and fall to her knees and beg... I think you are a great guy Dovic, but I won't be replying to your threads anymore. I want to help you I really do, but you don't want to be helped. You are determined to self destruct. Your logic is out the window and your love is wasted on a woman that right now in her current state will never appareciate it. You are a train heading towards a cliff. I wish you well mate. You deserve something special and right now this woman is not it. Until she beats her demons (this could take months, even years) she will NEVER give you the emotional fullfillment and love that you deserve..It's just a shame that you are just so blinded by this girl..Take care mate Edited September 20, 2011 by Mack05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheDovic Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 Cheers dude, hopefully one day we'll speak on happier terms! Appreciate everything you have done for me and I hope I can take your advice, because everything you have said has been right! Take care buddy Link to post Share on other sites
gbadboy Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 God that is so horrible! The good thing is that you're angry. Anger is a emotion to have when you want to move on. So now you won't be able to beat up yourself and say "what if I did meet her, what would happen?" NOw you can say "well i gave her a chance and screwed up" I hate to hijack and relate this back to my story.....but I'm the one that destroyed my relationship with my ex and even STILL he decided to give me a SECOND chance and he asked me out again, and when he did I SAID NO (b/c i was upset at the time) - that basically made him FURIOUS and he is using that anger to this day to help him move on and its working. Whereas I have feelings of regret which does NOT help you to move on. So consider yourself luck your angry. I wish I could be angry at my ex, but i can't b/c he tried so hard to make us work and stupid me didnt see it. Link to post Share on other sites
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